Happy New Year Everyone!

See you on the other side.
xx

The Half-hearted Post

Even though there is stuff to say, I am struggling to find the words. 

Daughter is fine, finer than fine I should say.  Which is good.  For myself I am still feeling a bit flat.  Not as bad as the worst times, but still a little low.

Considering the stress and negative mood of Christmas Eve and Day in the kitchen, this is not surprising.

There was some aggressive body language and facial expressions.  I have not experienced this before.  It took me a moment to realise what they were.  After these moments it was falsely calm and careful words were spoken to me, as if he was trying to gloss over it.  I ended up by just letting him do what he wanted, use what he liked without guiding him to the right utensils, or what I would normally do the other 364 days of the year.  He will not ask where things are or what is the easiest item to use for each task.  And makes a hideous mess!

He took over my kitchen and the most of the food prep.  Which in normal households is a good thing.  But it was concerning me about his attitude with raw chicken (considering he will use a new water glass every time he takes tablets in case a fly walks round the rim, using between 4 and 6 a day), I was sanitising frequently when he left raw chicken to defrost on a flat board and the juices ran on the worktop, then he moved it around dripping on the floor, then wiped the blade he used to cut with on plain paper towels.  And got really cross with me because I kept wiping round with antibacterial spray.

I spent most of Christmas Day in the kitchen.  (We ate later than normal because son worked til 3).  Although he did a lot of prep and cooking I still did a lot.  Then he and my younger brother went to pub for about a short while.  He hasn't done that since 1985.  After dinner the clearing up took ages.   It all felt awkward as if I was an interloper in my own kitchen.

Niece and her boyfriend (a lovely, loyal young man) came round Christmas Eve just after one experience and I was still a bit shaken.  I told her of my feelings around her mum, that I felt I was losing her and she reassured me strongly that it was not so, that her mum thought and spoke of me.  I was glad because she has been in my life 32 years.  I  broke down a little and we had a cuddle.  My niece has never seen me like that even in the worst times, I think she was a little unnerved by it.  I also spoke of my concern for her brother and my impression that he may be 'self medicating'.  I regretted saying it though.

He is also miffed because although he and daughter do not want to see The Hobbit, it is middle son's birthday (24) tomorrow and he wants to go to pictures (which is how we have spent his birthday for the last 10 years) he says that they are being excluded from son's birthday, even though we will all have breakfast and present (few though they are) opening time together, then later on birthday cake before the pics.  My younger brother is driving us to pics because he wants to see the film and we may have a quick MaccyD's after.  To keep the peace I may suggest seeing if there is another film on at the same time.

It almost feels like although he doesn't want to see the film, we should not be going out without him, even though he has started taking daughter out to pub without talking to me about it first.  The first I hear is when she appears at the tv room door at 9pm saying "is dad ready yet"!  Double standards.

In the days of money, we used to see a film, then have a meal after, The FW used to pay (and then slyly mention how much it cost, which for the five of us was a lot), and there was a couple of times at least when would say "and who is paying for this", to which I would reply "well if you're not, then I am", and he would either let me and 'forget' to repay me after or just resolutely watch me get the credit card out, even though he was earning and I wasn't at the time.

In this instance I have booked the tickets online and the kids have said they will pay for their tickets, but, you know, I feel bad taking their money.  I am telling myself that birthday son should not have to pay, the girlfriend only got a token xmas present even though she gave us all gifts, so shouldn't really pay, and brother is driving us there so really only eldest son (student ticket) really should pay up.  I can't really afford it but have been hedging when they ask how much to give me. 

(You know all this stuff is what I would talk about with BF on the phone but we don't chat much now and he listens in anyway.  Which is sometimes useful when I want him to get the message about something).

So, just get through tomorrow, which will feel as if it is all about him and not son, then I have a few weeks before it is The FW's birthday which will be awkward what with birthday card/present etc.

Thanks for listening, my friends,
x

Hi there

I hope everyone has had a lovely day.

Tomorrow I may write about today and yesterday.

I truly appreciate everyone who reads this  and I would like to say hello to my two new followers, Carol and Pretty vintage roses.

I am doubting myself and am concerned about bumming people out with my whimpering.  On the other hand it brings some relief to my worrisome head.

My daughter is happy and light and free.  I am thankful for this.

The day is nearly over.

I am glad.

x

Well, I am obliged to say

A Very Merry Christmas to One and All

but without being pooky about it, what I really mean is, have the very best Christmas you can have under the circumstances.

It is an awful shame but I know there are happy families, with brilliant annual traditions and the marvellous shops and the wherewithal to purchase marvellous things in the aforementioned marvellous shops and the absolutely wonderful family and friend get-togethers and a jolly mince pie is being had by all. 

But......

I am being a total grumpypants (and I have joked with a friend or two and apologised to my children (one of whom has flu) about being a grumpypants but having no money and living in a shit town, being married to a total fuckwit is a grind.

An old friend who I have known for 40 years popped by yesterday and said well at least you are not in a wheelchair or drooling, your life isn't so bad, so, I told her about the latest shite and shocked her.  Yep, ain't I a bitch.

I went to bed before 10 with ideas to write about having a 'good enough' Christmas and slipped into reading Yarn Harlot (I went to the very beginning in 2004!!!) then got dozy and switched off, and watched Victoria Wood documentary and fell asleep and woke up when The FW, eldest and daughter came home from pub (I'll try and remember to tell about that), and so then I was awake at 2am with these words buzzing and knew I had to let them out.

I am pretty sure that at some point people are not gonna want to read about my mumblings and grumblings when a) there are far worse situations in this world and b) don't drag down the Happys, they don't deserve it.

I see the adverts/read the annual church service leaflet and have blessed thoughts about attending, knowing I will be too busy/exhausted to go/and listen and read about normal people (mentioned above), knowing that our greater family are getting together and having happy times and we are not invited. 

I have never eaten dinner on Christmay Day that I have not cooked myself since I left home 30 years ago.  The FW's family have shared Christmas and summer holidays and birthdays and weddings etc and we are not welcome or at best tolerated when they can't get away with leaving us out.  Which begs the question, are we horrible people? 

Well, no, actually.  My children are praised by all who know them and yet The FW's family barely realise this.  My friends love me because I make them laugh and I listen, really listen to them when they talk and I always offer consolation, praise and uplifting words when needed.  Again The FW's family dislike me so much they are not aware and when I try to offer words when they tell me their bad stuff (which is about 1% on the Scale of Bad) they reject them and seem offended.  Which I truly cannot fathom out.  And as for being funny they really, really don't get the wordplay and comedy asides at all.  But they laugh uproariously at their own loud, longwinded commentary.  And,  (this drives me batshit) they overtalk you when in conversation, as if I am not speaking or that their stuff is far more relevant. 

In the past I have been aware I am gauche and am made to feel badly brought up but, you know I have realised they are far more badly behaved, like commenting loudly at the dinner table about how much salt (I know) I use which makes me put my knife and fork down and not eat another bite.  And the loud overtalking.  Yes they are a largish family but my my parents had 5 of us (4 for them) and we never tried to outdo each other in conversation (at the table or not).

I manage every time to make a faux pas, however slight or misunderstood and know that will be taken as a deliberate offence.  It is as if they set out to wrong-foot me and hold back information so that I make a mistake.

I have an amazing capacity for inducing hatred in women who do not know me.  The evil scowl the neighbour throws my way (even while she is speaking tenderly to grandchild).  Only once in the 13 years we have lived here have I spoken up (10 years in) when she was badly aggravating my dog, apart from that nothing.  When I realised early on that they hated us I decided to turn the other cheek and take in their parcels, speak politely when necessary, but still, the force of the glare is disturbing.

Truly, dear readers, I apologise for the heavy stuff I have just laid on you (and still no pics!) at this light, happy time of year.

I have a wish for Christmas, please if you are listening, you who dish out the Lovely and Pretty and Happy, could I please have a teeny bit for a little while.  I would pass it on and write happy, uplifting, smiley words.

Thank you for listening.

Blessings for a Good New Year to everyone.
x

Christmas Crackered!

I am already in bed and hopefully will sleep soon.

The meeting with the Head of Community (it's a big school) was ok.  On the one hand they want to cover their arse as daughter has made a Disclosure, on the other hand the advice from social services is that because it is historical they probably won't do anything about it (although I understand the police would be interested) so we have all agreed to leave it to her. 

She seems so much brighter since she has shed this burden and we all agree that this may be enough, that to make a big issue of it could have bigger consequences.  Of course the thought that the person could still be doing this (he is now 25, one year younger that our eldest son) is a worry, but I have to think of my child and her life, which of course is selfish of me, but she is my light and joy.  She is beautiful, bright, artistic, funny, full of laughter and a total teenager!

We have managed (after one false start when the Asda car park was totally rammo, so we left and tried a couple of hours later) to do the main shop for Christmas and guess what people.....The FW paid!  Zippadeedoodah doodahday!!

After some vacuuming, washing, putting shopping away and trying to ram it all in fridge/freezer, and quite a bit of gifty crochet (for which I am now crosseyed after making and stitching on eyes!!) I have that headachy/buzzy feeling you get when you have been crazymadbusy achieving what seems like nothing.

I am already thinking about the crochet I will do (probably Christmas Day afternoon lol) as I have been asked to make some things by a couple of friends and I am looking forward to that when they have chosen the yarn.  So I will finish the small projects that are loitering in various boxes/bags and try to tidy as I go.

The next couple of days will be spent cleaning the house a little and on Sunday there will be the trip to the cemetery as it is my dad's anniversary on the 23rd.  After that I start to feel a bit more festive (hopefully!)  Unfortunately the grave is a bit scruffy and needs attention and I hope that next year I will feel better and do something about it, though there is no guarantee of this. 

The bedroom looks like a bombsite and I have lowered the ironing board so that I can use it as a giftwrapping and worktable, while the pile of ironing sits patiently by.

The house will not be a clean or superorganised as it always used to be and at the moment I am not that bothered, but I may be by about 11pm Christmas Eve, at which time I will want to sit and watch Carols at Kings or somesuch programme.

Goodnight my darlings, sleep well........
x

The FW has new clothes

Yep, about a hundred and twenty quids worth.  
Tosser.

Feeling a tiny bit relieved....

simply because we know who and we know how much.

It was not the worst, but it is still bad enough because of the age of daughter at the time.  3 1/2.  Twelve years have gone by.  Twelve years we have had to go back.  To remember who was here and how long for.  The circumstances of each and the way they left us.  Someone is at fault.  The agency who placed someone in our home that should not have been here.  They knew.  And did not tell us.

Daughter is ok.  Is probably relieved that the something that has troubled her, caused her early teenage emotional problems, caused the cutting, is finally out.

In the course of this I have had to tell my children that I was raped by someone older and consequently suffered a miscarriage at age 16.  This is something I thought I would never have to speak about.  My mother gave me no succour or sympathy because I did not tell her of the rape.  It was the 70s - a whole different ethos.

Her father and I are relieved that it was not the worst.  That would have finished me.

I want to leave this house.  We, I, have not been happy since we moved here in 1999.  We have had problems with water, of all types, be it leaking showers, the pond, the fish tank, my water retention (mainly in my head, no joke), leaking roofs, hot water cylinders, kettles, you name it if water is involved then it has been a problem.  I am trying to remember a clairvoyant telling me something about water probably 15 or so years ago, but I can't remember the details. 

This is a nice house, a desirable home for someone, but not us, clearly.

So, now, it is counselling, social workers, etc etc.  We will be taking this further with the agency.  That will not involve daughter, that is for us, we need someone to know what they have done to our child, to us, to our family.  Bastards.

x

Thank you, dear friends

for your kind messages. 
You managed to raise a weak, watery smile on this little face. 
Tomorrow is going to be one of those days that will have to be endured.

When the Rihanna song 'Diamonds' played on the radio this morning I had a mini breakdown but now (as usually happens in difficult situations) I am upright and stoic. 

Then the song with the lines -

"I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw, keep the vampire from your door, when the chips are down, I'll be around, with my undying, death defying love for you"

These will stay in my memory.

I will try to write, dependent on the situation.

Love
Susan x
 

About friends........

BF popped round, what's that you say, popped round?  The first time this year (except on Bday in June) and I was desperately hoping for some productive time and there was a ding dong and there she was.  Oh and just to add to the discombobulatingness of it all The FW was in the kitchen at the time and guess what he stayed, yes my friend, he stayed to join in the conversation......(he hates her)....... but still he stayed instead of doing his usual disappearing act down to the cabin in the garden.  And then - and then he fell asleep in the chair and started snoring - what the f...  So we went into the sitting room and chatted more, it is plain we have less and less in common, but still.  Apparently she came round to see if I wanted to pop up to the local posh tea room/gifty shop type place.  Really.  No, says I for I have not showered today and look like a Gom.  Truly I do not appreciate it when people pop round unannounced and expect me to be available when the thought strikes them. When we spoke on the phone yesterday she said we must go out somewhere, maybe next week, which I think might be nice depending on how stressed busy I am and how much I achieve this week, but I now have lost half a day pah! 

We have not been out anywhere since  Spring, we went to the next town over where it is nice, you see, and now she goes to lovely places with boy(sorry)man friend).  We used to go everywhere all the time and we laughed and laughed til we cried.  Then the fun places stopped and it was hospital/doctor/consultant/mri etc etc and I didn't mind because she is my friend and we laughed our way through the horrid places.  And then........last year it was a new friend (who she was helping through a difficult marriage then break up then new life) that she went to the nice places with (oh) whilst I stayed at home and then she met the new bloke and that was it, up to Wolverhampton every weekend and then coming home and saying how nice the new people were and how much they liked her (Y we like you so much you must come and live up here) and what lovely places they went and how much I would like those  places. Really. 

Anyhoo, she is now talking of going there to live and her daughter wants to go the college there, so in about 6-9 months I reckon she'll be off and my daughter will lose her best and oldest friend too.  It was interesting to note that she said about missing family, whereas with the last boy/man friend who lived in Durham she said she definitely would not move there as she would miss friends/family too much.

Maybe it is a Catch22 situation.  I have distanced myself because
a) the onesidedness of our friendship,
b) my depression (which she barely acknowledges despite my mentioning it),
c)  I knew last year that things would change because she has had her first grandchild that she looks after 1 1/2 days a week despite her poor health and her mother's health has deteriorated a bit,
d) I was beginning to feel that the agenda was always hers, when, where etc.  There is a lot of impetuosity about her life whereas I have to plan a bit because I have other people to consider and that it was becoming a bit difficult to deal with the after-effects of the random days out etc. Plus I have no pence to go out with. 

So maybe she is distancing from me because I am not phoning every day and we have less and less to talk about because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and I have nothing to talk about because a) I go nowhere, b) I do things she has no interest in at all, like crochet/yarn/colours/patterns and yet I have to listen to her talking for 55 mins in the allotted phone hour about who she has seen and the music etc (her boyfriend is a radio station manager and dj and has access to music venues etc.  I may get 3/4 mins chat about MiL going into hospital/care home or FiL breaking his ribs etc. 

I do not phone on Fridays because she is either getting ready to go to Wolverhampton or left Thursday night.  I do not phone on Wednesday/Thursday because she looks after baby who is a busy boy.  I do not phone at weekends because she is away or he is down here.  I do not phone on Monday because she is exhausted after the travelling etc and needs to sleep.  So that leaves Tuesday and that is when I phone.  She does not phone me.  Partly because The FW listens in on our phonecalls (more of that another time) and partly because she does not think to.

I feel that she is paying lip service to me and it hurts because we have been friends for 10 years and have been through some really difficult times together.  But I have come to realise that it is a one way street.  Which freaks me out a little because that is the relationship I had with The FW before I called time on it.  The fact that my best friend and husband have the same selfish qualities.  That and the fact that they both injured their backs in the same lumbar area on the same day (nothing funny I promise).

So in one year I 'lose' my mother in law, my sister in law and my best friend, the three closest females in my life who have known me so long and so well.  I am grieved.

Good night, my virtual friends, good night.
x

PS - Oh yes, the cat decided she must kill the evil Christmas cards whilst I am writing them, such fun, and the dog is in pain in his back legs, struggling up the stairs (oh blimey we can't afford the vet) but then he is 9 years old and a little dog and so he is an old man now, sigh.

Well, I was going to...........

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Creeping into Christmas.....

okay I give in,
I have written a few cards
thought about perhaps ordering some stuff (hey it's only the 8th, it'll be fine)
seen the decs being put up (I just tidy up after and provide snacks during)

The blanket of loveliness has only a few (hah) ends to weave in.  There will be no blocking until it is washed at some point in the future, probably in the Spring lol.

The decs went up quite peacefully, but with an absence of chrimbo music because all the christmas cds have disappeared, all of them. I can't remember whether The FW took them up the pub, left them there, then forgot he left them there.  We had loads of all types, Foster and Allen included (gurn).

The FW was a little prickly and was trying hard not to be, daughter's friend-who-is-a-boy came round.  He is nice and likes Strictly (hmmm).  At first The FW  said "who's the bloke".  "He is not a bloke, he is a boy, it is daughter's friend".  (The one that you said you thought was her boyfriend, not that you minded she had a boyfriend. The very fact that you said that shows that you do indeed mind you dick).  Why do all fathers revert back to their predatory teenage selves when their own daughters have boyfriends (also men of a certain age do not believe that girls can have friends who are boys!)

Anyway, boring on...

Me and the daughter went to a christmas craft fayre in town.  Surprisingly it was very good and quite busy.  (I did notice that some stuff from blogland was being sold there, is that allowed, should I have said something?.  It felt odd seeing Lucy's wreath and some familiar owls in the flesh as it were).  The thing is my crochet is better than some I saw there.  The FW says I should sell my stuff but I know that everything I do I have seen online, and I know that I could not do that.  I do give stuff as gifts, patterns and tutorials I have made, etc, but it would not be right to sell it.

I saw an old artistic friend there, she is lovely and her son is the same age range as my two.  We chatted for ages and she fell in love with daughter.  She is starting up a 'save our high street' campaign and is getting a shop front for a while.  I offered to do the office work (this is voluntary stuff) because that is my bag, you know filing cabinets and all that.  It will be a bit scary but I would like to do that, I need to get out the house.  I hope that my frame of mind is good when I am needed.

Also the wool shop down the road (not the greatest selection in the land, but the only wool shop in the village) is quite friendly and I have been chatting with one of the ladies there and she said come in, bring your work and we can chat.  Probably because I make her laugh.  I think I need to persuade them to stock stylecraft, that would be heaven.  It would be nice to have friends with the same interests as I have.

There is one of the mums from daughter's old primary school that I still see now and again and I did promise to teach her to crochet, that was about 8 months ago.  I will send a christmas card and write that I haven't forgotten if she is still interested, that will be another thing to get me out of the house.  Oooh I sound quite busy, don't I. 

I hope and wish that I can do this stuff, I have been in limbo for about 3 years and there are times when I lay in bed and regret that time is slipping through my fingers.  Sometimes when waiting to sleep I try to think positive thoughts about how I would like life to be, fulfilling and useful, happy and productive.  Not stressful and  stagnant like it is now.

My mood is not too bad at the moment, things are achievable as long as I don't worry about the deadline of the 25th.  We wish you a merry blah blah bah humbugger!

Hello Isabelle, it is lovely to see you.

Night night everyone xPS - The FW has an upset stomach, could it be the 'free' curry he went out for last night, oh I do hope so. (did I hear someone call me a bitch just then?)


Added this morning - This should have been posted last night, is Blogger playing up!?!? 

A bit tired........

I won't write heaps tonight as I am a bit cream crackered.

I have made a space for the crimbo tree, vacuumed and dusted and tidied and wiped and put away.

It is not exactly a deep clean, more like a cat lick.  But it will do.

My hands are very cracked and sore.

Tomorrow I will hurt. 

x

christmas decking......

It seems that on Saturday the decs are going up.  This is not my job, or decision.  I will need to join the yuman race on Fri eve as son's GF will be coming round before he comes home from work, (9am-9pm, which is a lie-in for him as he has had 7.30 starts this week).  I am not doing dinner because The FW has been asked out for another free(?!) curry, so it will chips from the chippy.

Then on Saturday we are to be honoured with a visit from daughter's friend who is a boy.  He absolutely adores her, but I don't know if he is a boyfriend or a friend who is a boy.  So, I will clean and tidy in prep for decs (The FW always goes overboard but whateverrr) and on Sat after the big brekkie and hopefully a pop in to the little christmas craft fayre in the hideous town hall, I will visit the spiffingly gorjuss 99p shop for nibbly, treaty snacky bits.  And we will put the xmas cds on and they will decorate.  (There will have to be some furniture moving and the coffee table that is totally covered with half-started and abandoned work in progress xmas crochet gifty stuff will definitely need to be cleared.  On a positive note the Blanket of Loveliness is at the edge of The Edge, huzzah!

The FW keeps lying to me ie, he said that middle son asked whether we are getting the christmas village out this year.  (I have asked not to for two years as it goes in the large window sill at the front of the house that the little doggie likes to sit on and I have to spend the day rescuing it and stopping him from being in the place he likes bestinalltheworld).  This lovely little village has turned into a city of mexican proportions 'cos The FW gets obssessed with a new interest and does not have the Stop gene.  Anyhoo, I asked MS and guess what, oh you already guessed, he said no, not me I haven't asked.  Jeez, does he think I am not going to find that simple lie out ffs.  Not to mention the amount of free curries he has been randomly asked to.  Lie one, he is the instigator of the meals out and n

Also a dilemma, The FW listens in on my phone calls whatever they are, a chat with the learning leader or Eldest son saying what time he will be home, and he doesn't always let me know he is on the line, (I know he always is).  So here's the thing, last night the phone rang once then stopped.  I do not answer phone in evening as it is almost never for me.  I did not think anything of it until this afternoon The FW said that it was daughter on line to the friend who is a boy and was crying about something another girl said.  The FW said that the FWIAB was very kind and saying nice things etc.  So he is reassured that this person is a Good Person for our daughter to be around.  Or words to that effect.  Ohhhkay, do I mention to daughter that her father listened in on a phone call, hmmm, or not because she does not want to hear anything negative about him, and she would be incredibly upset and embarrassed.  ES told me that when he went in daughter's room whilst she was on phone she was happy and smiling.  So, another lie from The FW.

I have to say he has lied and lied and lied again, I am used to this.  It is very childlike, the lies are easily discovered and completely obvious.  He thinks he has one up on me, but in fact I have one up on him because I know he has lied but he does not realise that I know.... y'know.  I do not challenge him because he will get cross and then suddenly, as if by magic, that lie becomes the truth in his own mind and he will insist that whatever it is, is true (usually there is a teeny tiny kernel of truth in it) and because I doubt myself, he will win the argument (or in fact I give in) because I do not like confrontations even if I am in the right.  So I let him get away with it at the time then some time later I will 'mention' the correct facts and he will look at me and I can see him wondering, and I have to turn away to hide my smiles.  I am such a bitch, no?

It is peedling down outside so I am going to go to sleep soothed by the sound of the rain, it is very comforting being all cosy with a hot water bottle (no namby pamby covers for me, it has to be burning rubber snigger!)

Nighty Night x

PS I absolutely promise to learn how to add pics of the crochet - I am proud of my accomplishments - they are all totally copied from other blogs.  I am such a 'copyist' larf.  It will be a 2013 Thing To Achieve.

PPS I am publishing without previewing as Blogger is being a Bugger... Typepad anyone? Added later posting fri pm as it didn't publish last nite grrr.

Interesting day.......

what a day for ups and downs::

Ups

• 2 new peeps (haaaaallo my darlings, you are very welcome here
• one larder cupboard wiped and tidied to make room for the supermarket delivery of heavies (on the credit card but whateverrrrr)
• freezer sticky shelf wiped (it's only been a month since the spillage)
• ironing tackled
• did not leave house so therefore did not shower (dirty cow)
• It was nice the see the snow knowing I wasn't leaving house yaay.
• feeling 'lighter' in my head

Downs

• the cat peed in the utility area (right by the cat flap!!!) she has Never done this before, new worry to add to list, sigh.  Did the snow scare her?
• Took 5 hours, on and off, to make 2 loaves of bread, one good, one fail.  I need to stop this.
• Disastrous attempt at chinese dinner (The FW got involved too grrr)
• Son came home from friends house disappointed at being ignored, they had another couple there and had a takeaway meal and did not include him and barely spoke to him.  He also finds it difficult that they always have the new computer gadget/game but there is no food in house for their children.  I said it may be that that friendship has run its course.
• Tried to do some urgent crochet, just ended up trying to untangle a yarn monster all evening bah!

Mehs

Had phone conversation with BF, the chat was mainly about and included her lovely little grandson (what a character and only one yr old) and her health.  Only partly interested in talk about Fil and the broken ribs.  Wasn't a total write off but, meh.


I need to add that I am truly grateful for the positive comments and virtual hugs.  I don't want to sound crawly but y'know, like, really 'ppreciate it.

I also need to add that what I have written so far as not all of it, the bad stuff, there is more but I don't want to bore anyone.  Some of it can't really be shared, the back lash could be huge. Nevertheless it has had a major effect on me, my self-esteem and made me question my motives and feelings for an individual.  

This year has been huge, turning 50 and how I feel about that, friendships, children being adults, the end of school approaching, and the scarily depressive feelings I am experiencing.  I scared myself pretty badly a few days ago with very, very negative thoughts.  I have never, ever felt that bad before, never contemplated anything like that.  My children have always kept me going on.  There, I am shaking a bit with expressing those words.  Please do not worry, I do not feel this way now.  I will keep on keepin' on as the saying goes.  At some point it has to get better, right?

On that slightly down note I will sleep now and tomorrow will be different.

Bless you and good night
xx

The thing is..............

I have had a slight dip today.

Since I saw you last:

I have decided the method of decoupaging the cubby looks messy and will possibly either re-patch over all in one colour per 'cub' or try and soak off and start again.  Hey it's not like there's only 3 weeks or so to chrimble and I have done nothing!!

FiL has had a fall in the home and has broken his ribs.

SiL had the vomiting lurgy Thursday/Friday and retched so much she blacked out and smashed her face on the loo, stitches and everything.   The following day the care home phoned about FiL, and even though he would not take any pain relief he was in so much pain they took him to the A&E Sat night and SiL had to go and deal with it, she phoned us at 2am to let us know, hence the broken rib diagnosis.  The FW has done fuck all about any of this.

Son's work phoned at 7.24 AM on Sat to see if he would be able to go in  and cover a sick day, luckily he was at girlfriend's house and couldn't (and wouldn't) get there.  I knew that sort of thing would happen because he lives just 12mins walk from the place.  (They said later to him when his proper shift started that I sounded really lovely, bless).

I have spent a lot of time in the kitchen, and then later falling asleep whilst trying to finish daughter's blanket.

Had an allergy attack (how the hell?) when I breathed in and nearly choked on the very strong cheap toothpaste, had to take strong anti-histamine which was probably why I was falling asleep.

The FW said how about we get (his) mum's dining table and chairs in time for Christmas.  Hmmm, it seems I don't appear to have any choice but I don't really want them as they are too posh for our kitchen and everyday use, our previous dining table set in our old house was his choice and too fancy schmancy for small children, drove me crackers.  So I will cover the table with a fairly posh oilcloth whether he likes it or not, and to hell with the chairs (we have a cat, say no more).  Apparently we are going to put the existing table in the attic (where the hell he is going to find the room I don't bloody know as he has filled it with all the crap from his auction house hobby from earlier this year).

I feel that time is scarily rushing past and yet I am in no hurry.  I know that in about a week I will go into a total panic, rush around and recklessly spend money in a vague attempt to 'create' a Christmas.  I used to be 'stepford wife' organised, cards written and ready to post on the 1st, presents thought about in September and ordered and paid for in October, the house organised in November and super cleaned in December.  Now I don't give a crap, but I know I will feel guilty that the house is a complete mess and that the presents will be opened in about 10 minutes flat (like last year!).

I will say that my kids are not grabby and barely ask for anything unless pressed.  I have always made a huge effort for them because of this, (sensibly, until the FW decides he is going to add his contribution of piles of useless crap that they have no need of or use for and that end up in the charity shop).

And there has been other annoying and upsetting trivial stuff happening, it is almost as if there is a determination to drag me down again after my brief (oh, so very brief semi-happy interlude).  Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin*

I hope that I will wake up tomorrow (today) and feel as if I can be organised, I have 2 birthdays in the next couple of day so I must send cards.  If I can make at least one list or one gift and write the 'definitely sending' Xmas cards (the rest I will only send when I receive, just to see what happens) then I can beat this Christmas Block.  I had decided to crochet gifts, but the time for that is disappearing, it is all over the coffee table etc and I keep walking past and saying that I will do it later! 

night night
x

Hello and thank you to my readers and commenters, thank you for making me visible.

*From the film 'Finding Nemo'

So, here's the thing.......

How come I can just pick up the post, open it and then.....actually deal with it like there has never been a problem with my stoopid head. 

I have just spoken to the water company, had a nice chat and she is sending out a form (yaaarrgh) to get help with the water so The FW can have the pain-relieving therapeutic showers/baths he needs.

I have also spent some fab time decoupaging my cubby thing to go in the fugly desk.  Ok it has been set up to do this for about a week and I am only about half way through, but it is looking good, and I am so chuffed with myself I danced a little jig!!

And I feel ok, I mean really, really ok. 
Please dear God this lasts, please, please.

Laters,
x

Today I did not cry........

Nothing has changed, everything is the same and yet.....and yet, I did not cry this morning, I got on with the busy, slightly stressful day and felt almost, but not quite, sort of okay.

Had brief visit with MiL, she seems to be settling in care home and hoping for a bigger room at some point.

Had a couple of interesting chats with each boy 'bout life and shizz and, at last have started on The Edge of daughter's crochet blanket, yippedeedoodah.

We still may go offline, possibly in about an hour 'cos virgin bill still not paid, sigh.  I think mugsy here will have to pay 'cos daughter needs the 'portal' for school work.  (I remember them old days when the teacher made you write the homework in your Rough Book, remember them? That's the seventies for you).

I don't know what happened overnight, is there still an 'ormone 'anging abaht!

N'night my pets x

PS If I go 'way for a bit, I won't be far I promise.

Oh poop......

Today it is a month to middle son's birthday which means there is less than a month to C*****mas. oh poop.

I have just done a small budgetty type thing as aforementioned son has just been paid and will therefore give me the money back that I have lent him to tide him over and also his first month's housekeeping.  What with the food shop and putting the teeny tiny tax credits straight into my No 2 account for the gas/electric/water bills there is no extra money left, for anything. oh poop.

I did last weeks food shop on my small credit card so that has to be paid back.  Plus the other credit card that I used for last Christmas.  I chopped in some premium bonds to pay that back last January, then didn't because the gas and electric needed to be paid and The FW hadn't got any money to pay them so therefore here I am nearly in December with last Xmas credit card bill still to pay.  oh poop.

I have spent the last few days sobbing, and trying to stay motivated and keep on top of things but it is not working.  My energy levels are at an all time low.  Eldest son had to help cook dinner yesterday even though he is not a kitchen type person, luckily it was simple sausage and mash.

Tomorrow middle son will help me with a very well planned asda shop and on the way home pick up my cylinder vacuum cleaner I lent to BF 2 years ago to help her out.  I need it back now as I am struggling with the hideous Dyson The FW bought that same year.  (It sounds extravagant being a two vacuum cleaner family but there are practical reasons why, ie I am a small person and I can't really lug them up and down the stairs and we have a largish house*).

After that The FW wants to visit his mum in the home and I am going too because I haven't seen her for ages.  I hope I can put a good 'face' on.

There is a chance I may be offline soon cos The FW has not paid the virgin media bill today (he hinted a couple of days ago he may not have the money to, he also thought that I was still receiving his working tax credit he had signed over to my bank account (like £70 a month was going to pay £300 per month worth of bills!),  even though I explained to him it would only happen once as he no longer works therefore will not get working tax credit any more - durr.  He still goes up pub every night, contributes (a lot) to their monthly cheesy nibble snack night, and also buys branded expensive food to eat at home 'cos he doesn't like the value stuff I buy!

Although I get fed up when the tv disappears, he needs the interweb more than me because he is making and selling model railway stuff on the Bay of E.  This is what is funding his pub life.

So, mucho poopo to be dealt with. 

A Bientot my beauties x

* before you get all poopsie on me cos we have a big house, we were foster carers for a while until our daughter was traumatised and I had to stop.

PS - strange talk at dinner of stepson's partner wanting me to join the Book of Face so she can talk to me!!!  Um why not phone me.......!! The FW said she was a shitstirrer, why would he say that, and why would she want to talk to me, we are not exactly BFF.  Curious I am.

down

bad day
it is hard to unpack the shopping and unload the washing machine whilst your throat and chest are tight and tears are dripping off your nose
christmas is looming and i want to put it off
i cannot write a card
i cannot buy or make a gift
i cannot prepare the house
however hard i try
i sit and stare, my head getting lower
but i don't want family to notice
i hope this will pass

Just a quickie.......

Today I phoned daughter's school.  They are failing her examwise.  It is a total fuck up.  Hoping to meet with a 'Learning Leader'.  That'll be a form tutor then.  Her school has 'communities' rather than forms.  These communities include all the ages which is a Good Thing.  Her targets and achievements are in the As and Bs, but the exam marking is C and D.  I am furious.  She works very hard and is brighter than her brothers at the same age.  But she will not achieve the grades that she is expecting to because of the poxy exam fuckup marking.  I want to scream. 

I am counting the days til school is over.  After 21 years of watching the political involvement in education ie league tables, school changes (to academy) and the introduction of the English Baccalaureate, (apparently the next year will be ok because the school is 'practising' on this year's kids. grrr) I have had enough.

I have written a letter to Michael Gove but will send it tomorrow after I have read it again.

Not that it will make any difference except to make me feel better.  (Another government minister being ranted at by a middle aged woman lol).

The cat is watching underneat the cooker and adjoining cupboards verrrry carefully, gulp!

The dog is hesitating about jumping up on to the sofa, he is usually very nimble oh dear.

A bientot my chickens, tomorrow is another day x

With a little help....

This evening I did something rather clever...
with help from a sooper dooper bloggy type 'diamond' person, I made some changes to my page.
I look 'real' now.
Go me.
x

PS I don't want to sound too sad and desperate but if you are in any way, y'know not busy like, you could maybe press ma button........y'know if ya feel like it......yes, no, yes?

Belittled..........

which is not difficult to feel when you are 4' 10", petite, slightly overweight and get trampled on in supermarkets etc in spite of wearing a Bright Red Coat.

Just lately, though, there have been a few instances/comments/mentions/occurrences where I have felt small, invisible, worthless, useless, overbearing (if that is possible), and just downright rubbish.

This is a pityfest I am afraid, so if you are looking for the 'isn't life wonderful' blog you ain't gonna find it here.  I do have moments of 'nice' though they are indeed only moments.

Middle son's GF has not stayed to a meal for 2 weekends now, the last time she was here I was a little stressed and later on said to son that I did not appreciate an audience whilst I was cooking (which I hate doing anyway), knowing him he passed that on bluntly.  Even though The FW was also in the audience!

I find that when there are people in the room I make mistakes, drop things, in other words turn into a complete moron.  I am not a great cook, I do what I have to within the budget, mood, different tastes of those involved.  Eldest son and I would be content with something on toast, The FW wants gourmet, daughter would eat chinese style noodles all the live long day and middle son likes everything except jam, beans, mash, bananas, custard, hot puddings, tea, coffee, etc *sigh*.  In the days when we used to eat out occasionally someone was always unhappy/hungry. 

Now I know there are people who will say those old chestnuts like: don't give an alternative, they will eat when hungry: when I was a kid we ate everything or starve: mollycoddling blah blah.....
....well when I was a child my mum (a great cook) made one meal for everyone and my memories of those times are very difficult - my oldest friend remembers these time as well - in doing what he thought was best my dad (love him) used to force feed me and then smack me when I threw up.  I vowed I would eat only what I wanted (why shouldn't I, everyone else does) and when I wanted.  I truly hate 'dinner time'. 

I have conformed inasmuch as we eat at the table at the same time for evening meals/sunday lunch. but everyone makes their own breakfast and lunch, at different times to suit their day so I am constantly clearing up.  A pain in the a*se but it is my choice to not be tied to the bread board.  I also made a point of sitting at the table when the children were small, with food, and I ate it, then later when they were older and established I would sit with a cup of tea and chat/cut food/encourage to eat etc.  Now I usually start clearing up or feed the animals, make the packed lunch for daughter, stuff like that.  I do sit down for sunday lunch still, even with a small plate.

I have found through my travels in life there are others that have 'selective diets' like me and don't make food for their families at all, I do and it is still not good enough.

Now here's the thing, I mentioned the 'constant clearing up'  on the phone to BF some time ago and again recently.  There was no-one in the room so how does The FW know what I said and why.  This very thing came up this morning, how does he know this?  There are often snippets of conversations that get mentioned and I wonder if I am being paranoid or, or, is there something else going on? He is all the way down the garden in his cabin ffs.

Middle son now has job that is 'rotational' so is often out for dinner including weekends, but it often changes so I don't know where I am budget-wise, portion-wise or ideas-wise at the moment.

Dear daughter decided to spend most of this last weekend with friends after a week of slightly heightened emotions, I do wonder what is being said about me, her father has always denigrated me to people who do not know me and I wonder if she is doing the same.  I fear so, and it makes me sad.

I feel that I must be a horrible person because of this even though there are friends and semi-relations that I do not see as often who think I am great, give me hugs and wonder how I am still standing with all the horrid stuff I have had to deal with.


I hardly speak to BF anymore unless I phone her, and then feel I guilty when I hear about the lots of crap (some self-inflicted) she has had to cope with, even though she does not phone me at the time.
What should I do; pretend, put a face on and give my all to everyone else, again or should I be quiet, not speak for fear of upsetting anyone and just get on with it.  This is something I have done for twentysomething years, there must come a time when I matter, how I feel and could I maybe have some consideration please?

Sorry about the big long wordy post, this has been simmering for a few days and has taken all morning dipping in and out.  May I offer a cuppa and a kitkat as compensation?  I might try and add pics soon just to take the pain away.

PS: The FW was NEVER around for breakfast when they were small (too full from previous night's beer and takeaway) and used to complain at dinnertimes that they behaved badly.  I knew from eating with other families that my children were well behaved but because they weren't 1950's rigid like his family he did not like this and didn't want to eat with them in the evening.  He wanted me to feed them at 4, put them to bed at 6 and then give all my attention to him before he went to the pub.  He also never 'did' the whole bedtime routine either, even though his mum was a kind, caring, proper bedtime cuddles type mum. 


NOTE: I have just realised some of my anger is that he was 'disassociated' with the children when small and needed care, but now they are adults (one nearly) he wants their company and likes to show off his 'trophy' daughter, (you know the third child he didn't want!).  It hurts because I know the truth and cannot tell them and although I know it is a good thing that they have a good relationship with their father I am sure he will let them down at some point.

Also how do I tell middle, honest-to-the-point-of-bluntness, son not to let his father know how much he earns ?

AAAAAAAAAAAA

The A came back, look!!
But not before it locked me out of my online banking......FFS!

I have no clue what happened, there is no dirt on my laptop and I haven't spilled anything.

Maybe it was the 'evil pixie' that sits on my shoulder (my BF has the 'shit fairy' so I am not a wierdo, just so's you know).

Today I will phone the BF to see how she got on yesterday, with only a slight touch of guilt, had she reminded me I would have gone with her, but the last we spoke of this appointment in a vague fashion was 2/3 weeks ago.

Also the dreaded Asda shop, on a Thursday too, what a fool I am!

See ya later
x

PS why does the red banner keep coming up saying "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again. Ignore warning''. It disappears when I press the save button.

'Ere guess wot...

Y'know yesterd@y when I s@id I w@sn't going to put petrol in the c@r?  Well I only bloody h@d to didn't I!  This is wh@t h@ppened - on finding out I was going into town he g@ve me his credit c@rd @nd number @nd s@id to put £30 in @s he w@s going to see FiL @nd go get supplies for his new venture (m@king model r@ilw@y trees, doing quite well too) but guess wh@t the bloody number w@s wrong and there w@s  @ huge queue @nd the petrol h@d been pumped, so it went on my c@rd grrrrrr.  Yesterd@y he put £30 in v@n cos he c@n drive th@t when the c@r is empty,  I c@n't, its sh@nks's pony for me. Bumholes.

Oh tomorrow I will be going round old friends for get together, c@ke etc but I won't be going to the Horder Centre Crowborough with BF for her consult@nts @ppointment, cr@psie, I forgot @nd she didn't remind me either hmmm.  I usu@lly go to these to cheer her up @nd keep her going. We used to l@ugh like two old cr@zee l@ydees


ps c@n you guess which letter isn't working too well on l*ptop, I feel like @ Ronnie B*rker sketch!! *grin*


NB Ronnie B@rker of The Two Ronnies comedy show, he used to do sketches using wordpl@y ie "four c@ndles", look it up, it's re@lly funny!

Night x

Well, today I..

...did some cleaning, using Mrs Thrifty's recipe for home made sprays, and they worked a treat

...finished daughter's fingerless gloves (adding a ladybird button) after several frogging sessions.  It was a shit pattern but I got there in the end.  Now finishing another pair for daughter's friend.  Then must do some more X*** stuff.

...faffed around

...didn't phone BF though I thought about it

So a not quite unproductive day.


Tomorrow's plan is
1) to walk in to town (long walk there up and down hills) to get hair cut, buy bugs for son's lizardy thing, library etc
2) not put petrol in car* 
3) not go and visit FiL
4) do online asda shop for the heavy stuff.

*I only use car to go to supermarket, and occasionally collect daughter from friend's house and, because I do not have any spare cash to put petrol in it. As The FW goes up pub every night which is in next-but-one village, he can put petrol in the damn thing, it's always bloody empty!

Nothing to report here...

Just everyday stuff, pretty boring, occasionally teeth gnashing, minor sobbing, no progress on the tidying up, lots of thinking, but no achievements in any way. Over and out.

Back later when the urge to hit the keyboard occurs.

Love ya
x

College Open Day

Oh my am I overwhelmed.  Yesterday dear daughter told us it was college open day and that she was going there with her friend and his parents.....ermm no actually it is OUR job to take you.  She was not happy and I wondered what she was saying to others about us.  I know we aren't a jolly house but we are quiet and we don't row at all, I know that she is super-sensitive to the atmosphere and I can't say anything to her about The FW like I can the boys.

Anyhoo, to college we went and because my eldest son teaches there his colleagues and department head were very pleased to see us and to get to know her, and were impressed with her work ethic and interest in the two courses she needs to make up her mind about (both closely connected and therefore easily changeable if necessary).  It is ironic that she may end being taught by her brother, something that amazed the department head.

The feeling that my son is so admired by his colleague and boss to the point that they made a course to keep him because he was (at the time) the only one able to take the course, is overwhelming and that he was, due to circumstances and his talents,  teaching year 1 students when he was in year 2 and later whilst he was doing his BSc at the uni he was teaching a 'difficult year group' at the college and had them eating out of his hand made me so proud.

These last few months of daughter's schooling will fly by with agonising slowness, we have been 'in education' for 21 years without a break and the changes we have seen have been huge (politics and education should not mix!).   My daughter's homework and revision schedule and the constant exam taking (she started the English Baccalaureate last year) is mind boggling, she excels in the subjects she hates and has had to give up the subjects she loves! On Friday she is taking an English mock exam even though she got an A in the real exam she took a few weeks ago WTF! So I want to make extra certain that she is happy in college.  I know she can't wait and loves the little city the college is in.

Middle son is enjoying his job too, I think it is a little more challenging than he thought.  But to be paid for being a good, kind, empathetic, caring person also overwhelms me.

Even though I feel like a pile o' crap I think I did good with my kids, that's all I need to know right now.

Gonna watch Dallas now, need to rest my brain!
x

Look what i did!!!

Isn't it pretty, I know this is so, like, whateverrr to you clever peeps who do this all the time, but, I did this all by myself.  It's a rose in our garden, my daughter took this pic I think.

I may take a photo of something more appropriate to my blog name at some point, but for the moment I like this. Big grin.

My eyes are like dried up balls of snot (nice) after peering at the many photos in my albums, so I am off the land of Winken, Blinken and Nod. (showing my age again).
kiss

It's all about the timing.....

Do you get that thing where you want to listen to a little bit of news or an item on the radio, you know, 2 maybe 3 minutes in a whole show........and you listen to the WHOLE show whilst being busy doing your thang and at the exact moment the article comes on..... the phone rings, the doorbell goes (or the child needs a potty, even all those years ago this has been happening) or The FW decides to come in and talk and then pisses off again just as the item finishes.

E.V.E.R.Y T.I.M.E

Or am I just being paranoid.

**sigh**

After stomping for a bit I decided to 'publish'

I think there are some people who click on 'Next Blog', skim read then comment on a small part of it.

To clarify -

I worked for 20 years with no pay in The FW's business, whilst caring for children and elderly parents in the years I couldn't drive.  Exhaustion wasn't the word. 
Then when he decided to Limit the business he had to pay me and boy did he hate it, I had to remind him every single month it was payday, sometimes he paid himself twice!!.  My mistake was to save my salary, (after I had paid off the debts I had accrued during the previous dry spell, see below), because that is what we lived on in 2010/11 when we had no income. 

When he said the immortal words again last year "there's no money for food" - this is whilst driving around in a Jaguar XKR pissing it up the wall every freakin' night - my heart dropped again - the first time was when I had to give up being a foster carer in 2002 due to the negative impact it had on my (then) little girl.  He 'punished' me by telling me there was no money for food then, so I stupidly bought it on my credit card 'cos I had children to feed, until I got my cleaning job, and then magically he 'gave' me a few quid towards the food bill.  So I had a cleaning job, working with no pay in the business, child care (which included hospital stuff) until we went limited company 2006 and I gave up the cleaning.

After the terrible years of '06 and '07 when I found out he was cheating on me whilst my daughter had a major heart operation (in '08 I realised he had cheated pretty much from when I fell pregnant with first child in '85 and all throughout the losses of both my parents).  I decided to stay because my child was post-operative and traumatised and also we had a business and workmen that relied on us for their living.  After all that I decided to have some me time - it was great for about 18 months, gym, shopping, lunching....then the shit hit the fan, and still I am staying because I have no parents to go home to, no money 'cos he had all that and no job because there aren't any and I am unskilled and mentally and emotionally knackered.

The man I have is a fuckwit, who thinks I should never leave the kitchen, but I put my kids first (and his elderly and failing parents too because I love them and it would break their hearts), I am at the bottom of the pile, which is ok sometimes because my kids love me and my friends too.

PS Learn where to put the appostrophe!

Movin' on..............

tee hee

Had my first 'nasty' comment today, am deciding whether to publish it, can of worms, or fuck you moment, which is it to be.  Dearest R how sweet you are, you have no idea do you. The man is NOT providing for me actually love and has never given me a fuckin bean except for his own comfort.  Whenever I inherited or saved money he made sure he got his hands on it and is now after eldest son's money!!!!!! I have no skills worth being paid for and there are no pissin jobs in this damn town anyway.   After nearly 30 years of hard physical slog The FW has knackered his back. You obviously have no clue about depression either do you.  It's not about being 'happy', it's about not being 'unhappy'.  Anyway it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to.

Normal service warts 'n' all will be resumed after I stomp up and down a bit.

PS If anyone gives a shit the arm doesn't hurt this morning so I was being a tit after all.

PPS  shall I add the dear reader's comment, I know other blog writers don't and then write an 'answer' and I am always curious to know what was said.

I really should make the Practise Nurse appointment

I have pain in my right eye (I have had 'red eye' in the past), I have had this for about a week, it throbs a bit but I can stop that with ibuprofen, the eyelid also 'flutters' quite a bit.  Tonight my left arm hurts.

Perhaps I am just being a tit, I am not eating very much but making bad choices, taking little or no exercise and am very very stressed.  I am also 50, short and 2 stone overweight, bugger!  I need to eat more porridge and less crisps. *sigh*.

I tend not to concern myself with being ill, I rarely get colds, have had the mildest of thyroid problems - now in remission, and my menopause symptoms have been mostly emotional.

Three years ago I ate well and went to the gym or exercise class 3 or 4 times a week... what changed?  The FW's regular work disappeared when the chancellor took money away from the local hospital for projects work and our work stopped literally overnight (31March 2009).  The intermittent work since then has been for private hospitals but that was only bank holidays/easter etc.  We have now closed our business after 27 years.  He has enforced early retirement without the benefits.  Plus the fact he is a financial moron puts us in difficulties that he does not see, or has stupid ideas like going to his exercise class (laugh) opposite the local post office, coming home then driving several miles away to a village post office to post the ebay parcels.  There is no petrol in the car so if there is an emergency with his parents we will have to go in the van - wtf.  He wants to sell the van (he owes eldest son £2k which he promises to repay) and get a little workhorse one.

He is paying the interest on both mortgages because he didn't understand about form MI12 (mortgage help) and we have been waiting/wasting 4 months where he thought he had filled it in just because he has filled in several similar forms and doesn't get that when you are on benefits it all about filling in the same info on different forms.  I am  being passive/aggressive and not getting involved in all that stuff, just letting it happen though it will be my turn soon.  Whenever I try to explain anything, or give him information he doesn't listen or deliberately misunderstands because he cannot stand that I know more than he does and also cannot stand to be 'told' what to do.  He has a problem with women and authority.  He also blames the banks etc for his mistakes and misunderstandings.

The fact that my sons are making a bigger contribution to the household finances relieves me and guilts me at the same time, I am torn and want it all to stop now please, I am tired, this house is too big for me to take care of, we have leaks in many cupboards so the contents are scattered about driving me absofuckinlutely batshit crazy.  Every time I try to make bread or deal with laundry there is someone in my way (usually him the fuckwit!) making suggestions like do you need me to get veg from the farm shop (no you dumbass it is dearer than the supermarket ffs) then gets cross because he "is only trying to help".

Oh yeah he wants to celebrate son getting job (and son's girlfriend's birthday on Monday) by going out for a meal or to the pics, he'll pay on his credit card and get eldest son to contribute!!!!!!!!!!!!  Errr no actually, they would rather stay in and have a takeaway and bottle of wine as a treat, early doors as they both have work the next day.  He won't be pleased when he finds out they would rather stay home.  I am letting them deal with that, which is pissy of me but I would rather shut the fuck up and get on with the ironing thanks.  I find by not wearing my glasses so I can't see that well, avoiding eye contact and pretending I can't hear him above the washing machine helps quite a bit lol.

I have a dream of building a block of small one bedroom flats for all the women I know who have said they want to 'get away' from it all for a while.  To not have to feed, wash, pick up after or think about anyone else, to have a break from all the shite in their lives.  I know of three women, not including me; anyone else want a secret respite home?

Night night
x

My son is beaming!

He has a job! I am so happy for him and yet a little scared.  He is going to work in a halfway house style care home just 10 minutes walk away as a Key Worker.

He is such a good kid so I am apprehensive that he is going to see 'life' at its best and worst all in one day probably.

And to know that he will be able to, and is happy to, help us financially week by week is a lifesaver for me.  I am confused as to how I feel about this, on the one hand he needs to know that life needs to be paid for and yet I feel guilt that I am going to be looking to him to 'save our bacon'.  He is nearly 24 and had some depression/suicidal issues almost 2 years ago and I feared for him and now he has a lovely girlfriend, a job he is excited about which is close to home (neither of my boys want to drive - go figure!) and a financial future. 

Well Done A x

Eldest son still lives at home and is a part time lecture assistant and also does some occasional private tutoring so that he can pay for his PHD and travel to and from Uni so has to find approx £5k a year.

I have tarted up my page and managed to find the side bar bit, ain't I clever, I might mess around with it a little and I want to add a picture at some point but am not sure how to.

N'night x

I feel pretty,oh so pretty.....

I feel pretty and witty and.........where the fuck is my picture?

The Blanket of Doom

I am very happy to announce that the B of D is finished, except for tidying up and a damn good blocking (just to be persnicketty about finish dontcha know).  And just in time too because the recipient is staying over Monday night.  I could have waited until the Xmas but decided no, she will get a 'Pretty' for that occasion.  This blanket was started when she was going through a really difficult time and although this blanket has given me some tough going it was made with a lot of affection and I stuck with it and am pleased with the finished result.  I will photograph it and 'show and tell' at a later date, for privacy reasons if you will.

Speaking of privacy, which I was, I have told two people about this blog who are close, but are not likely to be mentioned in it, except in passing, so that's ok.

The FW is pissing me off but that's normal.  It is bill paying week which is shit but that too is normal.

I cannot bear to see all the mad Xmas choccy stuff all over the place, stuff that I would now be buying and getting tucked away, not just the choc, which is vital for a good xmas I find, but all the other lovely stuff.  I have no idea what to get my kids, tho the older ones will only get a token pres, my youngest will prob not want to ask for anything because they all are aware of the financial 'sitch', they are good kids and have never whined or asked for anything even when they were small, because I have always explained that I don't have the pennies for everything.  I feel lucky to have such decent children.

Luckily there are left over cards from last year and so I will cull the long card list.  There are a few crackers, big and small, which are filled and some 'empty' ones too.  I have enough paper and tags for general use, but I have ebayed some little charms and beads and bells to embellish the Prettys, ie garlands, key fob hearts etc that I am crocheting.

Food may be an issue, I may consider meal planning the entire week to the last crumb and perhaps do an online shop/budgetty type thing to see how much it will be be and Then Stick To It, tho I am sure The FW will 'just pop out for something that is forgotten' and come back with shit loads of fancy schmancy stuff, rather than just plain old give me some cold hard cash as a contribution.  I will be angry if he does this (which he will you can bet your knickers on it) even though it will add to the cupboards, I feel it is cheating somehow.  I will stress about how much milk and bread there is and he will buy chunks of pate that will end up going off.

The house is still in a state, the roof still leaks and I can't use the eaves storage so all the boxes are in the bedroom and ensuite clagging up the place gah!

Anyway, moaning over tomorrow I will start the fingerless gloves for daughter and add some rows to her colourful stripy Lucy (Attic 4) Inspired blanket.

N'night x

PS Wasn't Strictly good tonight!
PPS The FW has just come back from pub and is making a racket in the kitchen as flippin normal, he has no concept of being quiet late at night.  I am so tempted to make a racket early in the mornings!

I'm doing that not bloggin' thing again,

I just can't be arsed.....

Three times today I have had an idea, the words, phrasing and reason why, run it through and then................and then didn't.  I have been in the shower this morning and had thoughts and worries to write about; sorting the washing and muttering to myself about The FW (gritted teeth he is reaLLy pissing me off now!); and later in town after seeing my cousin-in-law (is that a legally binding phrase?), catching up, ie 'having a moan', getting a hug - Thank You LouLou, you know who you are!  :-)

Aaannyhooooo - I am always away from the teeny weeny lappytop, which for the moment is plugged in upstairs, cos I don't have the fugly desk finished yet, sheesh.  I know I would not have made such a good job of it but it would be finished by now.  The ironing board is now in the spot for it in the dining area of the kitchen.  We don't put the ironing board away cos there is always ALWAYS ironing to be done, and it is a useful height for writing lists and wrapping presents on *sigh*.  We have quite a big house but the space is shit, badly designed in the 70s and we tried to make better use of it and spent a long time extending it and getting it right, and yet I could go back in time and do it slightly different and a whole lot better, hey the fuck ho.

Well once again the BF phoned me yesterday, blimey thats 6 times this year - I AM on a roll, well she did need a favour (again).  So we are at the end of October and she has phoned 6 times (5 times a for favour and once when I text her after being away (again) and said "are you home, do you need to go to asda?"  with the excuse that I wasn't sure when she was back I knew she was and just needed to give her a nudge, it worked! )

I made a beef stew today (6 hours it simmered, it did) and The FW (tosser) added some shallots that were left over from his pickling session (little does he know there will be fuck all to eat the fecking pickles with this Christmas!!), anyway he casually said "oh I added half a dozen shallots to the stew" !WHAT! so that is beef stew with onions, leeks and more onions then, fine, whatever. At the table the fuckwad said after son commented on how nice it was that it hadn't cooked enough - 6 pissin' hours - really?

He is on a grump at the moment, during the above mentioned phone call (erm 1 1/2 hours ooops) he stomped in, went to the cupboard, got biscuit and snapped off a bit and gave it to the dog, I said, whilst still on phone "Please don't do that it makes him really ill" (it does), my word the look on his face, like a 6 year old not being allowed out to play, he then stomped back out slamming door behind him (I still think he listens to my phone calls, tho I don't know how).  Today son came in and got biscuit, dropped a bit and didn't pick it up quick enough, so I emphatically said please don't, it makes the dog not eat for three days and is clearly miserable and uncomfortable and all we have to do is make sure he doesn't have wheat in his diet (all the time knowing The FW is right behind me larf).  He only does it because I have specifically asked him not to, he will NOT be told what to do even if it makes the dog ill.  The face yesterday was because he had forgot himself and clearly had not stopped doing so in spite of telling me that he never does, and even when I have said to the family all together that we must not feed the dog wheat.

We have daughter's prize giving tomorrow (such fun) and he has arranged the curry from last week that had been cancelled due to illness to this week, forgetting about the wonderful and not at all boring event.  Right this minute I have no clue whether or not he is coming, or whether son is coming instead, well we had to sit through 2 of his, so it's payback time lol.  This is the 6th prizegiving (we missed daughter's first because she was a bit emo at the time and we were exhausted with other nasty stuff.  NOTE daughter has won three and sons won 2 each - that then is a scientific fact that girls are better than boys - hah!

I have so many crochet projects on the go I don't know which way to turn -

• blanket of doom nearly {yaay} finished, the girl it is for is sleeping over this monday (see above phone call), so that is an incentive to get the damn thing done, though it is looking quite good now  
• the single arm warmer for MiL who has arthritis quite bad in one arm, but she is too hot to wear a cardi in the care home due to her health - she has been in care home 10 days and the only time she left the room she upset people in the dining room by slagging the place off, someone loudly objected, rightly so, and therefore has said she will not leave her room again! I will have to finish it that whilst visiting for length and stitching up etc.  She is awkward and may not wear it even though I am making it with love and for her comfort.
• Christmas gifts started in the summer (I know, I know) which need stitching/ stuffing/ embellishing etc.
• various things I have started - a half completed bag and some cushion covers aka random practice squares/hexies that I fell in love with.
• daughters blanket which I started Christmas day last year, it is bloody big and it is too hot to crochet big stuff in the summer
• Also I promised to teach a friend how to crochet and got quite excited about sharing my lovely hobby and it hasn't happened, I must contact her and say I haven't forgotten, maybe we can do it after xmas.

Considering I wasn't going to write and didn't feel like it I'm not doing too bad am I? But I am tired now, it has been a busy few days and I really need to make nurse appointment, my right eye hurts (I have had 'bleeds' in that eye in the past) so i think my blood pressure is up again  - can't think why, can you?

Gonna go night nights now zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

XX

PS he has just come in from pub (can still afford that then) and is noisily making food in the kitchen and probably giving the dog illegal wheatstuffs *sigh*

Well,

I was going to bitch about my letter from the practice nurse re my cholesterol level (5.7 ?!?!? - not surprising really, too many crisps/not enough porridge yadayada you get the drift) but as I am watching the Channel 4 Stand Up to Cancer I am going to shut the fuck up instead!

night night x



Hi Diane x

I am too tired to type but I will say this...

It has not been a great day because

• daughter has 2nd cold in two weeks, bad one this time, takes me back to the days before her heart op (aged 9 yrs and 2 wks), so although she is 15 1/2 now and 'well' whenever autumn comes and back to school and germs I hate it.
• Not sleeping well, I am having busy, stressful dreams and waking up knackered.
• The FW pissing me off (so what's new you say) - has decided to make pickled onions and egg for crimbo.  Now this is only the 2nd time in 30 years he has done this and whilst I was trying to sterilise the jars for the eggs he was packing the onions into unsterilised jars, then had a 'tant' when I said "those are not sterilised".  I am trying to help  so we don't have mould discovered when it comes to eat them and so as not to waste precious pennies on food that will end up being thrown away.  So he then says "that's what I usually do" - usually... usually, when the hell is twice in 30 years called usually.  {When I am doing something with a sewing machine (not often) or a paintbrush (not as often as I would like) he will say "wouldn't you be better off doing it over there/over here/like this/that way, or worse poking his big fat fingers in the glue, or whatever the hell I am doing, grrrrr}.  So anyway he flings down the lids that he has touched and therefore de-sterilised and starts raising his voice/shoulders etc.  In the past I would have walked away, no more honey, I was not in the mood to tolerate this behaviour today and I told him so. He stomped out, surprise surprise.
• The FW went to aquatherapy today - you remember my favourite thing I had to give up three years ago - although he didn't enjoy it he is going again I think (probably just to piss me off - bastard), he has induction at the gym tomorrow, I don't think that will 'take' though, teehee.
• Whilst all the tomfoolery with pickling was going on, I was trying to make bread and do huge pile of ironing and also had to walk to friend's house to deliver her grandchild's 1st birthday present, took dog as well to 'time manage', poor fella didn't get as much 'sniffing time' as I stepped it out a bit. The FW had the car (he had made a big fuss of saying I could go when he got back or that he would take the van - jeez it's a 15min walk if I march rather than trudge and I won't melt if it rains a bit! controlling bastard).
• He came back from delivering ebay parcels to post office with 'luxury foods' ie stuff I do not buy as they are no longer in the family food budget, including stuff like a box of Ritz crackers and some deli pate.  But you know there is always money for his luxuries, nuff said.
• He also had early morning phone call with mortgage people, he raises his voice and is a complete arse, which is not helpful to our situation, especially as the call centre is in India and he does not cope well with accents. (His failings at life are having a huge effect on our family and I worry for the future).  He has reluctantly agreed to visit his mum in the care home tomorrow and I have to do the family shop on next-to-no budget at the crack of sparrow to accommodate this - oh joy!
• Oh yeah and he is out for a curry tomorrow night, well I ain't cooking as I have still got the buggering ironing to do, it will be something on toast for dinner for the rest of us.  I am so close to 'leaving the kitchen' altogether, truly, if it weren't for the kids I bloody would!

I told you I was too tired to type.....now I am grouchy!!

xx

PS My best friend has just told me she can't wait to move to be with boyfriend (in the Midlands) it is not 'if' it is 'when', oh... 'bye then.  Long story - more another day.

I made cake, I ate cake, I ate more cake (I feel sick)

If anyone tells me ( ie SiL and BF) "Oh it only takes 20 minutes to knock up a cake" I will sm*** their faces in their f*cking cakes!  
It took me 2 1/2 hours....ok it was two cakes, and it was from the googlyweb so had to keep checking and logging in again (my computer is passworded - hah FW), but I made a hell of a mess to clear up, though managed to bake both at the same time to save energy, then waited impatiently for them to cool so that I could fill, ice etc.  I also managed by judicial use of the open window to cool the sandwich cake before the buttercream I was eager to add completely melted! doh.

Both recipes I have saved and will make again (success second time around is not guaranteed).  My baking is like Strictly some weeks you're good and some weeks you're not so good.  

I also did not take photos, mainly because the camera was full and had to do technical stuff to make room and also I couldn't be bothered and was desparate to sit down, crochet and wittle down the percentage on the tivo box (which I did by watching 3 hours of american tv, by fast forwarded the adverts etc, and some by deleting 51(!) hours of mis-recorded stuff that The FW says he doesn't know how it got there, ie Men Behaving Badly, Only Fools, The League of Gentlemen (which he doesn't even like wtf) and Road Wars.

So we are down from 68% to 57% (tho I have recorded Strictly, sad I know) and plan to record Fiddler on the Roof tomorrow (most favourite film ever...nearly, the Birdcage is No 2 on the list). So have to work hard watching/deleting dramas (which are difficult to watch during the day because we have no net curtains, and tv faces the window on a busy junction in between 3 schools, so watch documentaries during the day - see I like quality tv as well as the crap american true life crime shows - wonder why lol.

As an update darling MiL is in care home, and does not like the room already, and is cross "because people keep moving things", she says stuff like that because of insecurity and also because she has never mixed well with new people/strangers and has had no friends to socialise with to learn how to deal with new/different situations. Sad.  
I am glad I have lots of friends (which I will blog about if I haven't already....I will check later) also I can talk to pretty much anyone, about anything, usually.

N'night for now, I may add more in the morning.
x

PS As you may observe I like my tv, this does not make me a bad person if you are thinking of commenting........I learn/I sew, I am entertained/I crochet gifts, it also takes my mind off the daily shite.  I do not go out, smoke, drink, spend (much)...ergo I tv. (did I misuse the latin there, can't be bothered to look it up). I also talk/laugh with my kids.. a lot!

Why does the emotional crap happen when you are writing a shopping list???

I am TRYING to be frugal/organised and quite frankly  I only want to the supermarket once a friggin' week when there is a huge blow up about the fact that darling MiL is going into care home today (possibly, no information for sure) and The FW says "I'm not going even if S wants me too"....then sulky-faced "what are you looking at me like that for"

This is your mother, you are supposed to put all the other shit in a bag and forget it, nothing else matters, help take your mother into a care home, this is your mother - (voice cracks and I fall apart while my head is in the larder and have a shopping list in my hand) - I didn't shout but I did emphasise the words

He stomps off and I weep noisily in the cupboard, bent over, and the dog is going loolah cos he is sensitive.

We had already (me reluctantly) agreed he was going to help (fuck off) me with the food shop (he is useless, slow, eyeing up the lovely food whilst I want to get in, get what's on the list and get the fuck out of there) he also has bad back and can't help with the heavys which is why I want either son to help (neither available today).

So now I am calming down a little, writing it out and deciding whether to get the FuckHead and go gaily to Asda!!!!!!!!!


PS There will be a post about why I do not want him accompanying me everywhere like a devoted couple joined at the hip.  soon.

Oversharing.....definitely

About 12 hours ago (whilst in the shower) I had a funny post whizzing around my head, now I'm not sure whether to write it and can't quite remember how it went - dang!

But here are the basics:

I was quite happy with the fact that for three days I haven't had to wear a pantie liner so this means I am - a) officially a shrivelled, dried up invisible old hag. sigh, and b) I have, as my BF says, 'healed over', like a shorter (much), fatter (very) Sindy doll. deeper sigh. (well it has been four years, darling!)

For those British people who remember Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada sketches, with much pursing of lips, mouthing of strategic words and arm/boob lifting, that is how I was imagining the 'conversation'. [sorry I don't know how to add a clip]

I also have a new partial denture - go me! (bloody hurts to remove so will take some getting used to!)

So, was that enough for you, or could I go further... nah, when I read it over a little bit of sick came up - bok!

'Night then.

(No X  tonight cos I have embarrassed myself!)

I am so going to regret this in the morning.


 

Why didn't I answer the phone?

At the moment I am ignoring the phone because a) it may be SiL re Mil, not getting involved, b) probably the mortgage people because The FW is still pratting about and c) I can't be arsed at the moment.

Big mistake, this afternoon I was working on The B of D, the phone is about a foot away from me and I ignored it.  The FW answered down in the cabin and came haring (limping) up to say 'private and confidential for &@', so picked up the house phone and....he hung around while I started the call...... from the counselling people, I didn't even get the name in my slight panic. I managed to head him off and he went back down to cabin, I have to get off the phone cos he listens in, sheesh.  I just said I'll call back.  Waited 10-15 mins and back he comes 'that was an odd phonecall' - (ok think fast oh yeah we've just closed an online bank account and the cheque came for me) yes, ses I, I nearly forgot the cheque that came for a whole £23.23 woohoo, they were just checking to see if it came. 
I doubt very much he believed me cos I'm not a liar but he can't call me on it.

So I have left a message leaving my mobile number, the mobile that I hardly use cos I hate the buggery things, so now I have to carry it around in my pocket, (note to self - wear something with a pocket),  but I will try to call them again first thing, or try to stay out of his way.  I have got dentist and need to go into town so hopefully will try then too.  I hope this is a local, ie very local place I can get to, cos I rarely leave the house for more than a couple of hours and don't drive out of town, If it doesn't work then, well I don't know.

It's not really a Control Thing, just a control thing, insecurity on his part probably because he fucked around in the past.  (He actually has a small bit of paper with ILU (I love you) and a phone number - the dick doesn't realise it is one of HIS old mobile numbers as he has had a lot of phones and it is a message he sent to my number probably by mistake (he checked my phone once or twice I think). Twat. My phone is old, basic, same number, no pin and usually lying around charging up so I never remember to take it out with me, silly mare.

He  has only sent I love you twice to me - once by mistake and once when I left the house in a state because of what happened six years ago (another story, another time), that's it, that's all.  I am waiting for him to ask me about it because I dust the bedside table and pick it up and put it back every time lol.  It won't get thrown away until he caves in and asks and I will tell him he is a Dick.

Had long phone chat with BF (mainly so Th FW couldn't use the phone) and am appalled by her lack of care for her nearest and dearest, she is putting herself first and tho I sympathise a bit with her, I fall on the side of her daughter/baby grandson and her elderly mother.  She is seriously talking about leaving the area next year when her youngest daughter leaves school. So my daughter and I lose our best friends.....great that's another female leaving me.

Change of Subject - I need to decide whether to intervene/chat with niece and nephew about Stuff, do I need this shit, or do I leave it and regret it later further down the line, I have always told them I will come running if they need me, and I will no matter what, but do I say the unsayable.   Also, do  I tell Bro his ex wife is engaged before the ink is dry on the Decree Absolute.  God I hate my family.

Sleep now, tired x


And the day started so well, too.

Would the last hormone shut the door on the way out please.

Can I whisper in your ear,

I feel *ahem* normal.........

kinda like I felt when the thyroid medication kicked in after two years of undiagnosed hyperthyroidism.........

I am a bit perturbed (good word for a monday morning)......

I am worried it won't last and all the good intentions (aka jobs that NEED DOING) will disappear in a puff of dust/cat hair/dog hair/tidying/cleaning/ebay & bootfair organising.

Oh kettle's boiled, cup of tea?
x

PS forgot to ask doc for hormone blood test - bugger
PPS will get results of last weeks full blood count tomorrow hopefully - statins, I am coming to getttttt youuuuuu!
PPPS new partial denture tomorrow - cor, sex on legs, that's me that is.

Oh, for the love of Raymond...

I have just read the last post of *Crochet with Raymond* (sorry I don't know how to link) and am so sad.  I loved reading Alice's life and crochet and sock knitting adventures. I have left a comment on her penultimate post, tho it may not get added.

I am very sad that many people who I found and read when I discovered this little world have disappeared for various reasons, (I am always late to the party!), they always seem to be the prettiest and most inspiring ones.

On the other hand there are so many other beautiful, funny, inspiring ones that I need a few 'secret' hours of the day to read them - which is why I am writing this at half five ay em!

Mornin all!!