Friday, 20 April 2012

I know I have only just started, but...

even though there is so much in my head, I can't seem to type the words...and I wanted to do this to clear my head of all the negativity!  Catch 22!! 

My lappy top is mostly down stairs in the kitchen and there is no privacy for 'long' sessions.  My husband is home a lot (not a lot of work at the moment) and one son is at home, but usually in his room.  I find my family tend to say "now what are you doing?" in a, not 'sneery' way, but slightly derogatory.  I have always had a jokey relationship with my children but now it feels as if it has gone too far, maybe I am being too sensitive, but I feel diminished somehow.  My friend does not allow her daughter an inch  but then I think she is being too hard on her and the poor girl is constantly humbly apologising.  Is there a middle ground and if so where do I find it.  I used to be the one to give advice to my friends with teenage children, I was a foster carer (for a short while...... long story) for f***'s sake!

I feel I have lost my way, my place in this's so hard being me, the mother,  the carer when I feel that no-one cares for me.  I don't want to sound 'whiney' but that is what I hear in my head all the bloody time, I'm wrong to give an opinion, or to express dismay or irritation at any time, for example, middle son said he would not be home for dinner so I plan something he doesn't like ie mashed potato and only have enough sausages for three, when he is home I am exasperated and husband has a go at ME! Huh? even middle son can't see why that happened!

(In past years when I was younger, stupider, and absorbed in child/elderly parent care, husband used to have periods of picking on me for silly things, I learned to ignore it and knew it would pass eventually, although it always hurt).  I realised eventually that it was generally when he was infatuated or even possibly having a  'thing' with someone else.  I know! how stupid was I, it was 2008 when the lightbulb switched on!!!!! I took my wedding ring off and we haven't had sex since then because for a few months my periods went haywire and I used that as an excuse (I haven't actually said anything to him but he isn't stupid).  I cringe now when I think of the sexual side of things (shudder), I don't think it's just the depression doing that, it's the betrayal as well.

It took me a long time to realise that he was not a good husband, ie unsupportive, quick to condemn, unable to care for me when ill or after surgery, difficult with money, forgetting birthdays etc, especially now when I read the 'happy' blogs - dear God I feel so undeserving, uncared for, unlucky and just generally hurt with everything and everyone.  I think it's got to be me, my fault, miserable bitch that I am, but sometimes there's a flicker, maybe, just maybe I will pretend, put a mask on but that's false, a lie and I can't act.  I find myself doing a lot of staring at nothing while the ironing or vacuuming doesn't get done. Husband thinks he is being good by coming to talk to me (in a nice voice - hah) about the weather or possible work and that is going to make up for the shitty stuff, and I find myself agreeing non-commitally about whatever crap he is wittering on about.  Tho sometimes I just carry on washing up and staring out the window...I really don't give a shit and he gives up and goes away again and I can hear his thoughts "what is her problem, I'm being NICE".  That's the massive difference between us - I know him completely and utterly and he knows me not at all.  We have been together officially (and unofficially) 32 years.  He was married when we met (I know (I know!) I should have known better but I wasn't yet 18 and lonely and just joined the grown-up world) and he said all the right things (lies, I now know duh!).

Well, considering I didn't think I would be able to write anything at all, that's quite a bit of wordage, but it's late and I need this week to be over with (I haven't written about the court case we had on Monday and all the bastard bills etc......

sorry, gotta stop and read myself to sleep .....



Saturday, 14 April 2012

RIP Susan Toddler Planet

Have just found and read Toddler Planet - so sad, sad, sad.  I need to pull myself together and stop being know.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Interesting Times - Not!

Have had a few better/lighter days recently and appreciated them very much.  Yesterday met up with a friend in local cafe to hand over pennies for her 50th birthday thingy (she is paying half and we the guests are paying half) - at least she has the gumption to arrange something.  We are all 50 this year and a few years ago I genuinely felt ok about being older....but now, not so much.  I think there is going to be a stretch limo, yike! It's dressy up time and a soul/motown 'nite'.  I hope please please god to be in an ok mood.  Our other friend's do supposedly around the time of mine and anothers birthday I may have to say no and let them down as I really can't afford it.  I have been poor more times than I have not, but this time really sucks! 

Today am getting over a difference of opinion with my son last night  -  now this NEVER happens usually, it was so silly, nothing really, but he spoke to me like I was one of his internet debaters and got very loud very quickly, then stomped off after his dad stuck his oar in (against me, he loves it when the kids talk .  I was quite shocked and my eldest son was cross and surprised but didn't say anything.  So I have stayed out of everyone's way, did some long needed tidying in the eaves space, then watched High Society upstairs (note to self need to think about digital soon).  Asked son to cook chinese meal for dinner (his usual thing) when I said you sure he sort of tutted/gasped at me...I shut the door quick.  I hope this goes away soon, I don't like it. 

Happy Easter, if you're out there.