Sunday, 28 April 2013

Blog No 2

Just thought I would mention 'MadMiniMe' my other blog if you would care to cast your eye over.  I will not leave you, I hope, I just needed some brightness.

Today seems a little gloomier than yesterday - possibly just a blip.


Man, I am pooped!

I have been a busy bee today - 

I have -
  • scrambled about in the eaves storage and now have very sore knees
  • sorted, and vacuumed and tidied and looked at old photos with daughter
  • shoved some furniture around (which will change again I'm sure!)
  • started writing a new blog, which has taken all day to faff with, I will hit the  'publish' button tomorrow.

I have hit the ground running, I like it.


Friday, 26 April 2013

Something very odd has happened....

I feel normal, whatever normal is these days.

Today I feel 'mellow'. WTF.

My head is clear, my thoughts are organised, I am managing to do domestic tasks with no anguish, stress, muddleheadedness or physical clumsiness. 
The internal spikes are gone from my head, even the air seems lighter, although it is a grey rainy day.

So, this begs the question, was it indeed hormones?  If so, was those ghastly months a last gasp, a nod to the entire moody menstrual life I have had.

My friend V came round yesterday to collect baby blanket (pictured previously).  She loved it, which makes me happy and proud.  Bless her she also gave me a lovely card and £20 which I protested about as she had already given me the same last year (I know, this blanket should have only taken a short time to make), but she said that was for the wool and not my time and skill.  God, I love that girl.

Anyway, as we chatted (The FW was occupied in the garden with my brother 'ponding') she said that she wished I had talked to her more about the depression and that it made her down to think that I was.  Oh my.  To think that someone in my life, although one step removed, was concerned for me and my welfare.  You lovely people who have commented have been very kind and thrown the lifebelt to me over these last hideous months and I thank you for that.  I wonder whether that jolly conversation would have happened, say, a month or six weeks ago.

So, next week she is going to take me to her horse, up the road in the village, right next to the local crafty/gift/art gallery/teashoppe type place, perfick.  I may poo-pick which is good exercise.  And we are also going to the local(ish) beach for walking and sea-gazing and beachy-hut tea'n'cake. Fab.  And maybe also to Next Town Over for the vintagey/art gallery/antiquey/more tea'n'cake type stuff.  I have something to look forward to.  I am somewhat overwhelmed.

Also today, after some cleaning (what, more!) and food shopping (boring) I decided to start on the bedroom.    Furniture to move around, spaces to de-clutter (started, not finished) and the possibility of a charity shop table for the sewing machine and a retro cabinet for storage of Nice Things.  I can spend a lot of time pretending to be crafting *larf*.

Errrm I have nearly forgotten the blood test ( haven't had that yet oops), the dreaded dentist and follow up gp appointment.  And The FW has lots of checkups and procedures etc to deal with.  I think his unhealthy lifestyle is catching up. 

Ummm what else, oh yeah, the dear daughter has another cardiac appointment, this time with a Professor forgodssake.  Probably, (hopefully) just a Curious Professor.

I wonder how long 'the mellow' will last?


Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Feeling quite chatty.....

Today has probably been the best day for a long time. 

The last couple of days I have felt able to clean the house a little.  With a clear head and determination (and aching muscles and dermatitis breakout but still manageable).  There is still heaps to do and much tidying and decluttering to be done.  I am months behind all you more organised bloggists, I always was a late starter. 

The FW has been quite busy in the garden, tidying and sorting the ponds (yeah two, whatever).  He has freecycled a ton of fish (one big bugger - yuck) and a filtration whotsit thingy.  So he's happy (and hurting a lot).

After the cleaning bout I went into town to buy cat food (and forgot) and charity shopped my crazy head off, thinking I would try it all on at home and bring most back.  Yuh, right.  Apart from a couple of tops to be returned I have one for Y (the best friend) and a skirt i CS'ed last year and is now too big...when did that happen...and also daughter has nabbed two that were too small for me and baggy enough for her.  All of the skirts I picked up (6 for about £18ish) fit (one slightly too small but it is so nice I am going to keep it), 2/3 tops, a short sleeved tailored shirt/jacket type thing and a loose fitting khaki shirt.  I like loose fitting for the hot weather.  I don't suit exposed flesh (too chickeny) and am allergic to the sun.

I realised earlier that I had forgotten the dentist, bum.  So still have that to look forward to.  I have a telephone assessment from the counselling/CBT service next week, which is ironic dontcha think.  Daughter has to have another cardiac outpatient appointment because she has been moved from the paediatric department.  Obviously I had to turn down all dates until the beginning of July because of exams (17 individual ones!!). 

What else, oh yeah, The FW has sold the van and that goes on Monday.  It will be odd without that on the drive.  I wonder what his plans are for the money, ho hum.  There may be ructions if he pays off his credit card (the one he uses up the pub, yeah you read that right, he buys his beer on a credit card - go figure) and not mine that has been used to pay the household bills.  I may shout a bit.  Or worse, go quiet.  In my family they fear the Deadly Quiet.   I will tell all.

I am so glad Ann won the Great British Sewing Bee.  She is such a charmer, wish she was my mum!

My word I have to open the bedroom window!  Last night I had a hot water bottle, tonight I can't breathe.

I hope you all had the lovely sun, and the warmth, with no coats, or scarves, and the patio doors open til 9 o/c.  Marvellous!

Night all


PS You should see this room - boxes of crap, bags of yarn and UFOs, pillows waiting for crochet covers, mess, and tape measures as I'm thinking of moving the bed (huge bed for a little person), a vacuum cleaner and a bucket of cleaning gear,  no wonder it's hard to sleep.  Tackling this job including the storage spaces will require the right weather and time/space continuum.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Assessment Results

"As part of your assessment we looked at the outcome measure questionnaires you had completed.  Your Patient Health Questionnaire score was 19 indicating moderate to severe depression and your Generalised Anxiety Disorder score was 17 indicating severe anxiety.  Your Clinical Outcomes in Routine Evaluation score was 24 indicating moderate to severe levels of overall pschological distress.  Your score for risk to yourself was 5/24."

So that's me then.

But, once again, as what happened 5 and a bit years ago after the physical distress and pain with menorrhagia (started 5 days before my 45 birthday and didn't stop for 3 months resulting in anaemia) by the time I got to see a consultant it had gone away and never came back.  And then this time when I get an appointment and a diagnosis I am feeling a little better.  Which is good - but what worries me is what the score would have been, say three weeks ago, or six weeks ago.

My timing, as ever, is shit.

So, we shall see what happens next.  Do I tell The FW.  Or not. 

On the other hand the best friend knows, I read the above paragraph to her.  I think she was quite surprised, but we didn't dwell on it.  She had the grandson with her.  He is very cute and distracting.


PS I guess I was so distracted I ended up this evening talking, actually conversing with the Kent County Council Conservative Candidate.  My Dad would turn in his grave.  Sorry Dad.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

The Appointment

This is the 2nd attempt of this shawl, the first was huuumongous, this was still big!

More random crochet makes, fishing for compliments, moi?

Actually there were two, one at GP who offered me antidepressants. What!  This is the same GP in October who said 'counselling is for you'.  Silly mare.  Anyway she has doubled my blood pressure tablets. great.

So, then, the other appointment.  Or should I say Appointment with a capital A that it so deserves.  This was the assessment that should have taken about 20 minutes and to look over the questionnaire previously sent.  Or Not.

It took an hour and a quarter and I had to fill in two questionnaires.  Boy, that was tough.  With some serious questions to think about.  Did not like that.  Tough questions about the S word (no, never).

Afterwards I had to take the stressed, depressed, traumatised head off and put on the pretendy-organised mum/wife head and go to bank and chemist and buy dog biscuits.  And you wonder why I am quite demented!  And I had walked out and back twice.  Knackered as well!

Today there was some worries about the second hair straighteners that turned up and I had to admit to The FW what had happened.  After letting the credit card company know and then getting cross that he couldn't easily get them back on the phone he has decided to ebay them as they have been authenticated and are obviously brand new.  He also forgot to pick up his medication that he had run out of and loudly said in the other room that it was because he was on phone all afternoon to credit card company.  My fault then.  I have spent the best part of the day feeling guilty and useless and crap.  After that I went upstairs and ironed and then laid on the bed and went to sleep for about 20 mins.  That's a little worrying.

I phoned the best friend in the morning and she actually listened to me for a change, with a little bit of chat about her stuff.   So that was interesting.

So that was my day.  It was odd.  But then, so am I.


PS - just getting showy-offy with the pictures now!

Sunday, 14 April 2013

The sixteenth birthday

Totally random crochet gift photo, just to see if I could remember how to add a pic. I could.

Thank you for asking, we had a good birthday for the teenage girl.

The weekend as a whole was quite pleasant.  My fears did not arise, for which I am glad.  I have been quite pessimistic in recent months which is not my usual self.

Anyway, whatever.  I woke reasonably early and started to wrap presents and write cards whilst my eyes were still crusted shut. nice.  Then chuck clothes on and make a cake and do the boring chores and then make tea and present opening time.  It was quite sedate, but cheerful and smiley. 

Later whilst waiting for the people that were popping in to pop in I had a shower, then took the dog for a windy walk.  The FW went and got the cheesecake(s!), huge huge cheesecakes and took a great photo of the girl posing with three celebration cakes. 

After her cousin and the boyfriend visited (a long chatty, laughing visit)  I had to order more presents for a 21st birthday next week and a party to go to, hope I am in the mood next Saturday.

Tomorrow it is appointments (one of which was supposed to send a questionnaire which of course has not arrived in my inbox, no surprise there).

Tomorrow is also back to school and an exam, although they gone up the pub tonight even though she is tired -  takes after her dad, then.

By the way, The FW's benefits have been stopped, which he doesn't seem to see the significance of, ie full council tax to find which is an extra £170 to find each month.  I knew last week that I was at saturation point before that blow.  He has also decided that selling things at auction was too hard for his health for little or no gain.  I am glad and not so glad because at least he was out of the house for a few hours a day.

On Thursday he realised that he had no money (still went to pub though, and I have found many pub receipts for amounts like £19.70 and £15.60 etc, although I need to check whether it is debit or credit card).  This has concentrated his mind wonderfully and the Mercedes dealership offered him a good price for the van (in great nick and low mileage) and that will pay eldest son some of his money owing (I hope) and I think deal with the business loan for the van and tidy that up.  He has also looked into the endowment (a good amount) that will sort out the second loan/mortgage and leave some for credit card repayment (for both of us I will insist on that, but he will try to wiggle out of mine I am sure).  He says that will leave us with no insurance but I thought that was the case anyway so no matter.

I have to say he is good at talking the talk but never follows through - to mix a metaphor or two.

Note A - The above pic is a baby gift for friend's great-niece to be.  I have promised to interest this blog up a bit.  Brain too foggy to deal with until now.  I vow to do better.

Note B - the heart softie is from here (I am hyperventilating because I may have just linked something.  Please let me know if it works - I may cry).

Note C - We were only two streets away from the Trafalgar Square demo on Saturday, it was very boomy and shouty.  So we went to Burger King.  As you do.


Saturday, 13 April 2013

SquareBob SpongePants

The title says it all - this is the sort of thing that sends us four (me, daughter, best friend and her daughter) into shrieking, hurting, gasping, public displays of hilarity.  I know, you had to be there.

This was on the train home from the Street Photography workshop in Soho.
My feet ache and my belly hurts from laughing and eating 'bad' food.

Other stuff has happened too.  Boring and dreary, but still, stuff.
I will try and tell more tomorrow night.

It was a good day marred only by the coming home shit.  Like not having a cup of tea made for me even though I am knackered and only want tea and pyjamas.  I haven't been out for a jolly since June, but still I have to be 'punished'.  Instead I have to wash up and clear the Breakfast!  Including scraping scrambled egg from the non nonstick pan.  And then finally upstairs to find the chaise longue gone from the bedroom (I can't remember if I have told you that story) and all the stuff on the floor where the dog will probably scent mark it.  Great.  I have still to write and wrap daughter's birthday stuff.


Monday, 8 April 2013

I have an appointment!!

At last, at last.  I looked at my phone and there was a missed call.  Again.  So I phoned and left a message.  Again.  Finally, after an afternoon of missed calls I managed to speak to a Person.  (I believe my lickle oldie mobile is Deceased, Expired, an Ex-mobile. bum).

So, it seems that I am registered (correct word?) at two offices in This Town and the Next Town Over.  How?  When I realised that Our Town clinic had not shut down as I thought it had when I got the letter last year, the letter that said did i want to continue and be transferred to Next Town Over that that is what had happened and I was disappointed and disheartened that they had shut (so I thought) the same month I had asked for help.  Paranoid? Moi?

Anyhow, when the Lovely Lady said that they had only transferred me because they were too overwhelmed, I wept and said that I had been walking past their office at least once a week, that it was too difficult to get to the Next Town Over (who had said they were hoping to open an office in This Town) and was despairing for help.  I said that all this time when I was in such a bad place and you were here all the time and I didn't know. 

Can you imagine how I feel.  That this is something that others go to their GP, get referred, wait a period of time for that appointment, but still, get that appointment in the normal, usual manner.  But not so for me, how did it happen that when I finally, finally ask for help the whole of My Town does so too and indeed why is it that I have to be the one that has to a) get put into Next Town Over's clinic, when I don't drive far (there are reasons) and am trying to be private with this and because there is always someone at home it isn't always easy to go out unless I 'report out'  I can't just put my coat on and go and come back without some questioning.  Not in a Bad Way but you know what I mean.

Anyway, an appointment I have and guess what - I have a doctor's appointment on Monday at 9am, a bit early for me nowadays but still I managed to make one so it's all good (or not) but you guessed it the counselling appt is on Monday at 10 45.  So I have to go out twice.  The GP one is a lovely lady doctor who takes her time, so I will get into that one probably at 930 and out at 950, then home, turn round and out again.  I am hoping The FW is auctioning that day, please God.  If he is then I won't go home but walk via the LYS and buy yarn to cheer me up.  No doubt I will have stronger prescription and a list of bloods required.  Great.

I have also made the Dreaded dentist appointment too, I went a little crazy the other day when I had to collect my blood pressure medication and booked these things because I knew I couldn't go on neglecting myself.

When talking to the Lovely Lady, she asked a lot of questions that made me think (horrid ones like, Am I a danger to others or Have I thought of suicide).  I'm not and I haven't but you know I have wondered what it would be like to not be here anymore, to maybe walk out that door and keep walking.


Saturday, 6 April 2013

The sun came out...which was nice

The wind is bitter (a bit like my feelings larf), and the sun was bright.  Hanging washing on the line, walking the dog, all good things.  Daughter came with me to cemetery yesterday (Friday) as it would have been mum's 92nd birthday, we took more daffodils and brought back the ones that didn't open in the cold.  My word it was bloomin' freezing.

Last night The FW talked me into trying a suite of furniture in the tv room.  He sleeps in there.  He is still picking up furniture etc all over our area to put into auction.  The lad is doing this with used to work for our company in the Before Time.  There are a lot of comings and goings and cups of tea required every time they walk in the door.  The dog is freaked by The Lad and The Lad is freaked by the dog.  All of this is not conducive to a quiet life.

Aaaanyway, to get this furniture in place (a corner suite with a sofa bed) all the other modular seating had to come out and Eldest Son and The FW started doing their Mr Shifter impressions (anyone remember the PG Tips ad).  They took the feet off, then the door off and then the architrave off.  I was not amused.  He was putting a heap of effort into this, something that he does not do when it is my idea.  At the end when we sat down, after a few moments staring at the tv in exhaustion I said, and I quote - "its too big, isn't it".  And everyone agreed and it was decided it would all come out the next day.  And so it did.

Whilst this was going on, the dog got upset because his evening snooze time wasn't happening (he is exausted by 6pm because he trots around with me all day up and down the stairs etc) and he bit me (no blood) several times on the hand and daughter was saying loudly "why does dad sleep down here" at least twice. 

I really have to rein in and not tell her the ugly truth.  Eldest Son told me today that he had a long chat with her a few days ago and had to choose his words carefully when explaining an unpleasant truth about her dad (about being a liar, therefore thinking everyone else is lying as well) and using the word 'people' instead of 'dad'.

When Middle Son came in after his early shift this afternoon, he poked his head in the tv room door and said "did I dream there was new furniture in here last night and all the old stuff was in the sitting room".  "Yes", says I.  "Your head is full of snot and you are imagining things".

My doggie is getting more and more psychotic with all the stuff going on: the cat being allowed the litter tray indoors meaning his food area has been moved, last night he finally succumbed and peed up it.  The comings and goings of someone who is scared of him and therefore scares him.  The neighbours will be renewing the fence this week and the Enemy Dog lives there so our doggie's freedom will be curtailed.  The workmen will drive him batshit crazy with all the to-ing and fro-ing out the front and along the side of the house and all the way down the back.  He stands on the front window sill barking (shrieking) then leaps off, hares round to the back door, leaps through the cat flap as if the demons of hell are after him and runs up and down the side barking like a frickin' maniac.  One crazy time he took the flap part with him as he shot through it leaving a fuckoff great hole in the door.

To be fair there is rarely a quiet moment, what with doorbells ringing, people coming and going, daughter's up and down moods, two grown men peering at their phones then flying off to pick up some kind of shit from all over the place.  Odd bits of furniture everywhere and slightly worrying stuff in the post.

I find that lots of little annoying things are happening to affect my fragile psyche, silly things like the tv in the bedroom stopping working, the cat litter tray indoors, silly money things like ordering daughter's birthday present twice and having worries about getting the money back (a checkout didn't clear on one website so I thought the order hadn't gone through, found out 24 hours later it had and it's a foreign company bugger).  Missing yet another phone call from the counselling people but at least I have a different phone number to call when I get the chance.  The realisation that the £100 The FW promised for bills has been forgotten and also Daughters's savings return that has to happen in the next few days too.  Thinking the fugly desk was ruined when The FW left the desktop (painted only one side) standing on end in a freezing garage turning it banana shaped, bah!.  Knowing Best Friend Y has not phoned and I will have to phone soon to make arrangements for the London Trip. 

Daughter has told me she doesn't like her (to be fair she doesn't like many females) because when coming home from her BF's dance show and they were all happy and full of praise, apparently Y told her daughter she was ugly!!!!!  This has happened on more than one occasion,  I have my suspicions why she does this, it grieves Daughter and I very much when this happens.

I am not In The Pits of Hell this week but there are rumblings behind me which I am pretending not to hear.

So, there we are, the merry doings of this shortish, plumpish, plainish, nearly 51ish, slightly dotty old bat, (pirhouette and jazz hands).


I pray Dear Lord for some boring quiet alone time.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Claudia Winkleman...I love her

Now I don't like programmes like Masterchef or Great British Bake off etc.  A crime I know.  But, you know I saw the Sewing Bee advertised (can't remember the title and I only watched it a couple of hours ago) and thought, I will watch and 'zone out' the dramatic detail stuff and concentrate on the mechanics of sewing and the finished garments. 

Well I loved it and it reinforces my desire to make clothes and cushions etc.  I have a cheapie Argos sewing machine from years ago and had thought that the bobbin race was broken until an internet search told me I needed a new needle.  Well bugger me, says I, all this time I have been hand sewing curtains etc, what a fool I am.

Let's be absolutely clear that I do not fancy the gorgeous tailor on the show (again I have forgotten the name but who cares), no indeed not a jot - (liar).

To change the subject a little I have today made appointments for:
 - the hairdresser, I look like Paul McCartney in the 60s at the moment
 - the dentist oh my
 - the gp now that the lovely lady doc is back.  I have some slight niggly health concerns at the moment.  I have neglected myself very badly this past year.

I keep looking at the Link button and wondering what the hell to do with it, and I would like to add interesting pics etc and wonder how they are found and added, ie the judges on the Sewing Bee prog so you can see which slightly attractive person I like to look at ;-).

Darling Girl and I spent a pleasantly amusing morning cleaning and sorting her room.  I would love to show you a photo, but can't take the risk of it being spotted.  My family are more computer savvie than I.  She is very artistic and has a 'Smash' wall covered in notes, mementos, cartoons etc.  She has strings across the room with pegs holding funny little drawings and mini models. There are her drawings of the female form, manga style, and the calender pictures from Loish at Deviantart.  She told me the Christmas before last that she was gay.  I am leaving that where it is for the moment.

Night all

Welcome craftycatcorner to this little corner of Blogland.

Monday, 1 April 2013

How much chocolate did YOU eat??

No seriously, did you have a good Easter?

I am feeling 'nearly' normal at the moment.  My moods are definitely cyclical.  There must be some rogue hormones hanging around.  I started the menopause on 12 June 2007.  I can be exact because that was the day my (I thought at the time) normal period started.  It all went down hill from there.    I have not had a period for (definitely) 2 and (possibly) 3 years.  I have lost count.  I keep saying, to myself mostly as no-one else is listening, that I should see the doc, if only the female docs were not on sick leave and I could get an appointment. bugger.

I am struggling to keep my composure when my dear daughter (16 soon yikes) adds to my distress when she exclaims loudly about any remarks/comments I make in response to something subtly nasty that The FW says. I can see his smirk even when I am not looking at him.  Do I explain that I used to take his nastiness in past years without realising it or indeed feeling that I deserved it.  Do I tell her that he should not speak to me like that especially now that I know how he has behaved since, oh around 1986!  That is when his demeanour to me changed though I did not realise why until 2008.  I am a bit slow you know!!

As much as I love my girl, I am wishing her life away when I am waiting for her to be 18 so that I can leave or follow her out the door when she leaves home.  If I can last that long, my friends.

I cannot begin to tell you how dark that last couple of weeks have been.  Muddled, befuddled, bleary, weepy, sobby, worthless, valueless complete and utter waste of time and space.

There...that's all out.

The sun is shining and I have been tidying up.  Marvellous!

Love to you all


The FW has a new thing, that is picking up furniture from gumtree and putting it in auction.  Right now he is picking up over 200! cones of yarn.  A van load.  I knew he did not want to sell the van even though it is worth about 8 grand at least (an as new, low mileage Mercedes Vito) and would solve some financial problems.  He will think he is Delboy if he makes a monkey!!  Help me bear this oh Lord.