Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Thank you...again

Thank you for your kind comments on my last post.  I do appreciate them.

I spoke to Y today.  She had phoned on Sunday to invite my daughter to her daughter's (best friend) dance show.  We spoke a little and laughed a little when she picked her up.

I told her (after I had listened to her telling me of a hospital visit (on her own) and listened to grandson's words etc - he is v cute) that when I laughed on Sunday it was the first time I had laughed properly since Christmas.  She said that we would go out during the Easter Hols, as well as the photography workshop in London for daughter's birthday.  I then said I was still waiting for my counselling appointment and......and she went quiet.
I finished the call shortly after that.

Today I have emailed the counselling people.

Today is a neutral day.  My neutral is other people's 'happy'.

Neutral is good.

It enables me to function, to manage, to be capable. Just.

I remember once upon a time that I was efficient and organised. I took care of my children, my mother, the house and worked too.  That was before.

Now, if I manage a load of washing, walk the dog and peel a potato then I am superhuman.

Today I walked the dog while the sun shone.  Which was nice.


PS: This is my 100th post.  I missed my blogiversary of 10 March.  Bum.

I note that Mother's Day last year was as bad as this.  I cooked the dinner,   made cups of tea for all, but did not visit MiL.  The FW took daughter and eldest son as middle son was working, surprise surprise.  There were no flowers or chocs in this house.  I took daffs to cemetery and froze there.  I got cards (including a jokey Tesco Value one hardehar) and a crochet book, amazon vouchers (love) and a tenner.

Oh dear I am very ungrateful.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013


I have been 'offline', in real life as well as virtual life.

The last couple of weeks have been terribly difficult.

Really dark.

I am trying to find the head space to write, but I can't find the words.

Still no counselling.

I will try to come back.

Thank you.

Monday, 18 March 2013

This week

DG has been hormonal, it has not been fun.

On Monday I took some stuff to the charity shop, and decided that I would ebay a lot of my stuff (when I could handle it).

On Tuesday my brother came and borrowed my camera, so that's the ebay kiboshed.

I woke up on Thurs and felt I had a normal brain and I cleaned parts of the house.

On Friday I cleaned some more house (only about 40% clean now). Then discovered the cat had peed on the chair in the kitchen and her favourite cardboard box lid.  Had thoughts of vet.

On Saturday The FW went to his mum's house to help clear it and came home with loads of stuff - so much for decluttering then.  It was tough for him and there was a lot of bad feeling within the family.  vultures is the word I am thinking of.

Also on Saturday took DG for hair cut (in the sideways rain that was in our face in the 30 min walk there AND the 30 min walk back!!!). When we got home wet and exhausted (specially me due to the housecleaning on the previous days) I was just about to settle down with tea and crochet when she found a flea on the dog, so dog bathing and bed washing ensued, he has four - I'm not kidding.

On Sunday whilst remaking the main dog's bed the cat walked over to it, stepped in and squatted and peed - WTF.  I washed it again.  Thought more about vet.

Today (Monday) I sluiced down the side of the house where (under a canopy) the cat has a litter box with lid and a mat to catch stray litter.  I was in jamas paddling in bleach and buckets of water.  After a shower I sorted one or two bits and found a home for them on top of the dresser.  This involved a stepladder and moving the stuff there to somewhere else in order to make room. I walked the dog.  Then I was a bit fed up and went upstairs to messy bedroom and started pinning up the hems of trousers I am shortening to take into account the lower heels I am intending to wear.  The FW came home with more stuff after clearing the garage. After putting the cat box back together and refilling it we noticed she was scampering past it terrified, and she wouldn't go through the cat flap (don't tell the dog, he thinks it's a dog flap).  So, the stray cat that came in our house a couple of weeks ago has invaded her territory and possibly scared her in the loo, either by hiding/sheltering or confronting her in there.  I took the lid off and have brought it into the utility, (the dog is confused as I had to move his food/water bowls to in front of the washing machine).  She was so relieved she used it straight away.  Problem solved temporarily and hopefully when the lighter evenings and warmer days come she will regain her territory.

So the upshot of this is that I no longer want to bother with cleaning as the cat peed and the dog flead up the place.  I no longer care about decluttering as more stuff (including furniture) is everywhere -  I have no where to put the sewing box and trousers except on the sofa. 

Have told The FW that there is only £25 per week to feed all of us including the animals.  I have done some calculations and in 6 (six!) months have put £1400 on the credit card with household bills.  I want to sell everything and have told him so.  His van is on the market and he is seriously considering selling the endowment (at last and thank God).  He said we will then definitely have to sell the house when he is 65 (in six years).  I want to sell the house today, I am no longer happy here and we can not realistically afford to live here but he does not see this.  The boys will move out (or at least one of them) at some point and the house will be too big.  

After repaying the second mortgage, paying off his credit card, hopefully repaying eldest son I hope there will be some left to clear my credit card, morally there should be.  I am going to get my name off the electric and gas bills.

Also this week I have left messages for the counselling service twice and they have not responded, even they don't want to talk to me.  Best friend has not spoken for nearly 2 weeks, I think she is trying to make a point about not phoning me though I don't know why.  I am sad.

Lots more depressive thoughts and wandering around the house in despair.

On a positive note I have got the camera back.


Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Bed early at 8.48pm

The FW is ill, food poisoning from breakfast at a greasy spoon yesterday (Mon) morning.  So he has gone to bed (he sleeps downstairs, explanation another time).  I suspect there will be disturbances and possibly a call for the doctor or even an ambulance.  He does not deal with illness well, and after a few hours decides that only a doctor's visit or hospital will do.  I cannot persuade him otherwise once he has made up his mind.  I can only hope that he falls asleep for most of the night.

It started this morning with him convinced his new medication was to blame.  Only after napping the morning away did he remember the breakfast.  I felt grimly pleased that his illness is self-induced, (who called me a bitch!).  He is not a good patient and can become impatient and even abusive (even to hospital staff).   He has pretty much dismissed all my aid, ie sipping water, anti cramp medication, hot water bottle etc. 

Later he had to go into his cabin to wrap some ebay stuff until hunger got the better of him (he cannot cope with being hungry unless he is 'dieting').  Then he had a few spoons of jelly, and then when that stayed down a half hour later made himself a black (he says) coffee and had three(!) rich tea biscuits.  He commented that he felt better for the hot drink.  Probably because I did not make him one all day, as that is not best practice for stomach problems.  I visualised him slandering me later in the pub, which I suspected he would be well enough to go to. 

Many years ago he got food poisoning from a local Chinese takeaway that was then closed down a few days later.  It was terrible with several trips to hospital in an ambulance in the middle of the night.  He was always sent home and I spent a ghastly week taking care of him and my boys who were quite tiny.  Eventually on the 5th trip in 5 days I insisted he was kept in so they could see his pain that came on during the day.   During this time I slept barely 1 hour in 24 and was desperate for him to stay in.  It was diagnosed as food poisoning and he managed to eliminate it (yaaargh) himself once home.  This was around the time the news came of the takeway closing.  Right up until last year he has told everyone and anyone that I poisoned him.  So last year I said "that's enough, it wasn't funny the first time and it's not funny now, stop it", he said he didn't know about the Chinese closure but then he always disremembers stuff that doesn't suit him to remember.  I'll bet it's in the local newspaper archives.

Anyhow, at six the boys had soup and he tried some, it was a clear soup, and he had a few spoons but it got the better of him.  He spent some time in the loo, then sat on the sofa groaning.  Eventually he said sorry to be a pain but I want to go to bed, so he did and, so did I. 

I am going to listen to the radio and crochet a bit and hope to God I haven't got to get dressed and sit in A&E later.  (We once spent all night in A&E with cramp in his arm where he had slept funny and then thought he was having a heart attack.  He is such a a hypochondriac!!)

The last few days have not been pleasant and Mother's Day was a bit grim.  Never mind it's all over til next year.


Sunday, 10 March 2013

Devastating dip

Yesterday (Friday) was pretty grim and not just because of the weather.

I shopped at our Tesco Metro in town as I had a voucher, it isn't easy as I refuse to pay the exorbitant car parking fees and park the car several minutes walk away, so heavy shopping bags have to be considered.  I took some stuff into the nearest charity shop, nearly ended up as the 'Smash'  advert lady, managed to  avoided any of the other charity shops and headed straight to the food shopping.  I absolutely hate food shopping on a budget, it is not fun and it is not a challenge to see how little I can spend.  It is about how much I can get for my family with the tiniest amount.  I hate it, I hate it.

I went into the post office to get a form to cash in the remaining premium bonds.  When that is gone, that's it, no more safety net.  All my savings (about 4 1/2K) are gone.  I got completely soaked and when I got home The FW was rubbishing the £100 offer he had got from the bank he is in dispute with.  I have no idea how that will turn out.  He has a valid reason but I suspect the bank will win this time.  I got upset and told him that I wasn't sure whether to buy the daffodils for the cemetery for Mother's Day, because it was hard to justify the expense.

 My mother was poor all her life too, and she worked fucking hard at a shit job for it.  When I am trudging in the rain with heavy bags, wearing shabby clothes I wonder what the hell happened, I am living her life without the financial control she had.  Unfortunately my dad had been told by my Nan that the women in our family controlled the money and he went along with it, he had saved some money during the war and wanted to buy an old house and do it up etc, he was a bricklayer by trade, but mum spent it on some furniture - he never forgave her.

He worked damned hard too but got laid off in the 70s when he got a back injury, so mum was the main breadwinner for years with a just cleaning job.  Dad had quite severe undiagnosed depression too.  He told The FW not to let me be in charge of the money which justified how he intended to live our life anyway.  I didn't find this out until years later and consequently felt very betrayed by my dad.  In our marriage I am the financially sensible one and he is The Fuckwit.

The Late Vera's Legacy will have to be used for daughter's 16th birthday, school prom and the first few weeks of college until the financial assistance gets sorted.  I also have to pay her back her savings (the last electric bill) as she will have her savings account in April.  The premium bonds money, £500, will pay several months credit card payments, if I eke it out well.

It was kinda ironic that when the counselling service phoned my mobile I missed the call because I was curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing.

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Although I am dressed........

I haven't showered or indeed cleaned my teeth, mmm fur coat anyone?

The FW has gone to the auction with one of our former workmen today.  I swear if he comes back with boxes of shite I will jump in the fishpond.

We still have the big fruit boxes full of crap from his former forays into that world.  Not only does he think he is Alan Sugar but he is channelling Delboy as well (without the lovable charm).  So I am sneakily chucking out and making piles for the charity shops.  It will be a long job and I may falter along the way but I am trying my very best.

I am sorting through my clothes etc and being quite brutal.  All the lovely, unworn size 14 M&S undies are going to ebay, along with some skirts.  I in the past have kept a fair bit of size 14 stuff, mostly classic, jeans, skirts, tshirts etc but I have to be realistic now, unless the thyroid kicks in again (it won't) I will be size 15 for ever.  Note 14 too small, some 16s too big; couple that with big boobs, narrow shoulders, short arms and legs and pear shaped (used to be hourglass!), you get the picture.

Having a bit of a dip but I am forcing myself out of bed and off my arse every day.

Have just bought bra extenders on ebay (whilst researching selling my undies) so that I can wear the bras I have discovered in the unopened drawer of the dressing table.  We'll see how that works out shall we?

I have several skirts that I will try to wear this spring, including denim and at the moment I am wearing some nice proper brown trousers that were hanging up for posh/semi posh wear.  Well not any more, they will be shortened as I am no longer going to wear heels after the embarrassing falls I have had and they will be worn for day wear.  I need to stop looking like a bag lady.

Time for tea now, do you take sugar? Biscuit?


Wednesday, 6 March 2013

I am still in pyjamas.....

but this is not a Bad Thing as I have finally managed to pick up a cleaning cloth and the vacuum.  Yaay for me.

As the two boys and girl are out and The FW has managed to get up at a reasonable time, 8am hooray.   I decided to clean the porch, coat cupboard and hallway.  Not a huge undertaking, but it's a teeny tiny start on the house.

I did not take before and after pics as this is mostly the workaday part of the house.  I have, though, taken a shaming 'before' pic of my beautiful Edwardian dressing table and it is in the sort of state that would have never happened before, when I had a life and cleaning help. (I will add pic later as The FW has my camera lead, the git).

My lovely cleaning ladies, who I still see and chat to sometimes, were an absolute Godsend to this household, we were a busy family, with a home office, and our workmen coming and going (and the house is quite big) and they enabled me to have a couple of years of going out and about with DG and Y and her daughter. 

Unfortunately they were the first things I had to give up (luckily they worked for an agency, so they were ok) and gradually the house is deteriorating.  I have been doing the best I can, but the Deep Clean is the hardest thing, when you have small hands, short in stature and skin that is allergic to everything including the rubber gloves.  I can work for about an hour before it becomes unbearable, and in this house of chaos an hour gets you bloody nowhere!

Nevertheless I have started and have plans to gradually sort and clear and whilst doing that will start a notebook of 'my stuff' that I would keep and stuff to sell if the worst happens.  There is 30+ years of accumulated stuff including my late parent's treasures and there is precious stuff tucked away in storage areas, ie my mother's purse and Caged Bird Society badge and my dad's glasses.

Later I am going to walk the dog to Y's house to collect some flannelette sheets she is getting rid of (pink!) as I have dreams of patchwork/quilting in the future.  I was going to go out sooner but have to stay in and answer phone in case the hospital rings for The FW.  He is having a 48hr (I think) blood pressure machine procedure as he is on many many types of meds that just aren't working.

Have just answered the doorbell and had to refuse the lad selling dusters etc at the door.  I have purchased in the past but can no longer afford to do so.  I feel bad as he looked disappointed and disgruntled all in one expression.

Since starting this post I have showered and dressed, put washing in and out of the machine and on the line and had a scrummy late breakfast of scrambled eggs, wheatgerm toast and cherry toms. yum.

Am now gonna iron whilst waiting for The FW, see you later.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

So, today then.......

1.  The sun was rather good.
2.  Cleaning dog wee on carpet is not good.
3.  Neither is washing double duvet in bath.
4.  Hanging washing in garden very good.
5.  The FW going to plant seed to harvest for his model making not good*.
6.  Realising will have to pay electric bill on credit very very bad.
7.  Finishing the white (yawn) baby shawl soooo good.
8.  Deciding on and starting border of colourful baby pram blanket well good.
9.  Much appreciated comments definitely good.
10. A new follower makes me feel good.

A very warm welcome and grateful thanks to Donna-little tiny stitches, you made my day!

A better day and some email chat with an old friend (that the baby blanket is for), I have mentioned the D word to her and she is sympathetic, which is quite marvellous because up until 18 months ago did not believe in it!!  She is the dragon lady receptionist that is the fixture at all doctor's surgeries, bless her.  She has three (yikes) teenage daughters and I always make her apologise when she has been harsh to them. We shall call her V.

* The FW makes and sells trees etc for model railways on ebay and usually has spent £28 to make £30, keeps no record of material costs etc and only registers the £30 and thinks he is Alan Sugar!  On the plus side though he is making an effort to sell the van.  I am hoping enough money will be left over to pay Eldest Son what he borrowed from him.

Off to bed now, night night xx

PS  The cast and players of this little show -

The FW: (The F*ckwit) Husband, 59, manipulative/cheating/hypocritical bastard
ES: Eldest Son, 26, studying for PhD and teaching/tutoring to pay for it
YS: Younger Son, 24, Keyworker (previously suffered severe depression/suicidal)
DG: Darling Girl, soon to be 16 (gulp), clever, artistic, major heart surgery at 9
SS: Stepson, 31, father of 3 boys 11/9/5, not close due to slightly chaotic lifestyle.
V: Oldest school friend
S: Best neighbourhood friend
Y:  Best friend, 59 (hahaha, oooh bitchy), previously known as BF, but apparently this means boyfriend lol
H: girlfriend of YS (I love her, she makes him happy)

There is an assorted cast of others, family and friends etc, some of whom have been mentioned in previous posts.  My life is quite crowded, really.  (Sometimes I want to run away and know no-one - am I bad?)

Monday, 4 March 2013

thank you

Thank you to each and everyone for your sweet, helpful and uplifting words.

I cannot express how much I appreciate each of you.

It has taken a couple of days to get back here.  It uses a lot of energy to be 'normal', so that people do not see the 'real' me.  It would be too difficult to explain it to them.

It is really helpful to have this place to let it all hang out and to show the real feelings I am experiencing.

I worry about whinging too much when there is a lot of happy about.  It is very nice to read about it and to see the gorgeous pics. 

I will consider very carefully your lovely request for email correspondence.  I do not want to become a nuisance in your lives, but I do, truly appreciate your offers and will contact you soon.

I have walked the dog in the sunshine and that's a Good Thing.

Thank you, my friends. xx

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Staring at the blank screen

pressing the keys is too hard

the tears are stinging

i am invisible

and pathetic

and alone

i want to run away

i want it to stop

there is no peace

i have no way to change things

no control

only endurance

i pretend all the time

i am hiding my true feelings

for the sake of others

would they notice if i was gone

i am weak

but pretend to be strong

it is unbearable