Saturday, 25 May 2013

Surprise Star Trek

Have just got in (before the thunder!!!) from an impromptu and much needed  visit to the pics.  Middle Son treated me and I rewarded him with telling him most of the shit.

There has been a lot of stress, I am hanging on by the very tippiest tip of my fingers (just like Kirk and Scotty).  After the end of June I can breathe out - and rant if pushed. 

I don't want to jeopardise The Kid's counselling by hijacking it with Mum and Dad crap, because it is for other purposes.

Middle Son is concerned for the future but I had to tell him about The FW jumping on the Depression Bandwagon and a whole lot more he didn't know about.

To quote Dory from Finding Nemo - "just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'". 

(If I was a clever blogger I would be adding a picture of Dory but I ain't).

Let's see what tomorrow brings........

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

F*ckwit Free Day

Deep Joy.

The F*ckwit had a little gardening job today, gentle gardening, not the heavy stuff.  A few hours was all it took to lower my shoulders.

He sold the fishtank I bought a few years ago with Uncle Harry's inheritance.  But the best bit was it was on my ebay and I get the money. har-de-har.  He had asked a few days ago if we should and I, for once, was quick off the mark and said yep I could do with the money.  So he put it on at 99p (well over 700 quids worth of kit!!!!) to finish mid week.  Usually he put stuff on to finish on a Sunday as that is the best day. 

It had 78 watchers, 1243 page views, 35 bids and made £220. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. 

And yes the money is staying in MY paypal account (that's The Kid's prom dress and shoes sorted), even though he asked if I would take it out.  Oh no, says I (smugly) I will leave it in there and purchase stuff using paypal.

AHahahahahahahahaha -  I am a little crazy today.


PS He has also put something else on my ebay.  I may have to resurrect another ebay account I opened some years ago if only I could remember the feckin password. 

PPS Found out today (at last) that The Kid is 6th on the list for counselling.  I would sacrifice any chance of one seconds worth of counselling for me if it helps her.

Saturday, 18 May 2013

I will explain.........

After feeling great for, what, 2-3 weeks there was a period of annoying stuff to deal with, pissing me off quite a bit as I have written about but then......

The FW had a couple of frustratingly annoying days too.  Then on Wednesday it reached a pitch when he came back early from Aquatherapy (catching me about to tuck in to a nice plate of scrambled eggs on toast - ooops) and I am guessing he hadn't booked in the week before.  It's only a small class and is very popular.  His face was bright red so I suspect he was embarrassed in public (not a good thing) he went straight to the cabin and stayed there for hours.  I felt very disturbed and surprisingly guilty.  God knows why, but I have that sort of conscience even if I have done nothing.  Later when he surfaced his face was a mess, I think he had been crying.

The next day he went early to the doc to get an appointment (later that day he had his kidney ultrasound (all well there).  The appointment was to sort out one of his tablets and "to talk about what happened yesterday" - !!-

When he came back he said (and I want you to imagine me standing there ENRAGED, and not showing it) "I have depression". What the fucking fuck!!!!  How dare he!!  Apparently he was diagnosed then and there (I told him with a breaking voice I had had to wait 8 fucking months for my diagnosis)  which he was quite dismissive about, and when I said what about the questionnaires, to which he replied "well I did that and my score was low", which goes to show he is talking bollocks especially when he read out his sick note which said he had 'low mood'.

How dare he jump on my bandwagon.  I had forgotten that nasty little trait. Barely 10 days since I had to come clean due to the stupid letter which after all was a (kind of) rejection letter.

In the days when the stinky boys were at school and I worked in a factory office with a bunch of stinky men, including one who used to sneeze in his hand then use my phone!  I used to get a couple of colds a season, he would always announce he had a cold moments after I had said I had one, this 'cancelled' mine out, thereby relieving him of the chore of a) looking after the kids, b) looking after me, and therefore, c) being looked after himself. 

There were a couple of times I had gastric flu (oh God, the memories of the pain and fever and vomiting) and he still used to fuck off to the pub leaving me to take care of myself and the small children too.  (Not to mention leaving me to manage with a newborn and Caesarean wound three times and getting annoyed by my groans with unbearable pelvic/lower back pain in two pregnancies).

Nowadays I get a cold about once every two years and a 'flu every 5 years, yeah lucky me, no lurgies to take me to bed and be looked after.  Great. Thanks.

I have to get my arse to the doc at some point (still have not had the bloody blood test) and I will have to ask whether it was possible to be given a diagnosis of depression there and then.

Funnily enough he is now happily working in the garden, channelling the Chelsea Flower Show with plants and watering systems magically appearing without the need for money.  How strange!

I enjoyed Eurovision, and the daughter watched with me (first time ever yippee).


PS - Have had to admit to eldest son about blog 'tho not what it is called, he absolutely cracked up when I told him about the moniker 'The Fuckwit'.  I thought he was going to choke on his sandwich!!!

PPS I may change his name to Shithead.

Friday, 17 May 2013

Back in The Shit Pit

 Sorry if I have let you all down.
The FW has excelled himself.

I'm holding back from a meltdown.

I will try and explain later.

If I can be bothered.

If anyone cares.

I don't.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

I'm angry.................

Stupidly angry, really.

The day started reasonably well, some housework done, the dinner was decided on, I was waiting to hang the third load of washing out and then I planned to crochet until my fingers bled and get on with the neckwarmer/wrist warmers for a good friend.  The phone rang.....

It was the best friend, going into town did I fancy a cuppa, I cogitated for about 3 seconds and said yes.  The work was done, I had showered (which is always a plus) and SHE HAD PHONED ME!!!! (over 2 weeks).

I told The FW what I was doing and he was ok you know like a normal person ("cuppa and a natter") and not a fuckwit.

We had a good chat, lots of tea and some cake, I spoke a lot, I mean a lot.  I barely let her get a word in edgeways, good eh!

When I got back about 3.20 was met by daughter jokingly complaining there was NO food, which there wasn't.  Jeez I am out at schooltime once in 12 months and that was the day there was no food. Bad Mummy.

As soon as The FW saw I was home (getting the washing in, switching the iron on etc) he had to come and 'check me out' you know like the dog does when you come in.  So I chatted about the news - next door's house break-in/elderly mother's health etc and mobile rang.

It NeVeR rings, like, ever.  But today whilst he is in the room it rang, and I had to answer it of course.  Yep, the counselling service.  Great.  So I had a non-committal conversation and He Stayed In The Room, watching and listening, expecting me to break off and tell him who it was.  I didn't.  After a couple of minutes he got fed up and sat in the next room and I continued to iron and talk as little as possible.  Eventually I went upstairs and told her what had happened with the previous letter, the timing of this call and that I had had to tell him a little and that I was fed up that the harder I tried to keep this private the more public it became.  I am really very paranoid* now, especially as usually he is out in the cabin or garden and would not have been in the house if he wasn't 'welcoming me home'.  (This is not something he does when I come home loaded with shopping or cold from dog-walking).

He is DESPERATE to know who the call was and as yet has not asked, but he will, oh so casually, just jump it into the conversation, oh by the way etc.  Shall I tell, I don't know.

This morning he asked if we should sell the fishtank (a large unusual one I bought some years ago with an inheritance - it didn't work out)  and I said oh yes I could do with the money.  We have had some small/quick chats about money recently and I have said categorically I am at saturation point and there are still bills to sort out.  He has sold the van and is still waiting on the money, long story, boring boring.  So he decided to sell it on my ebay which works 'cos I want the money and I had to sign him in.  An hour later he comes in and says "I'll have to do it on your laptop because i shut it down by mistake.  really.  "No that's alright I'll come down and sign you in again".  (nice try, sunshine).  Again, later he comes back cross saying it's not working. hmmm, I'll head that off at the pass somehow.  I have nothing to hide except the blogettes, but still give him an inch etc etc.

If I get challenged I will speak and he will regret it.

* especially as I have had to give him bank statements to take to the benefits office and have had to do some juggling because of the premium bonds I have had to cash in (£450 big deal) and have not told him.  I'm not hiding it from them, just from him. I had dithered about this in January and ended up doing it in March and opted for after the next draw, so they show up now. fucking great timing eh.  And the fact that I wanted to tell Best friend what had just happened and couldn't email (Outlook is shit) and daren't use house phone and the house was too quiet to phone on mobile.  I did get through eventually and guess what he came in the room whilst I was talking and I hadn't heard the patio doors that he usually slams.  I am not sure how much he heard and he is now in a bad mood. whatever.

My  anger is tiring me out (that and the 5am wake ups I am having recently.

btw that new font size was annoying me so it's going.

PS - I am only going to get two 30 minute phone counselling sessions - it is not enough, I have to tell them.  Today has dipped me back down.

PPS We were cut off for a while until the bill got paid (by him hah!). I have often thought of blog titles and content (alien cats in the kitchen etc)  and then was too tired to write.

PPS need to clear the history on laptop.  I can't let him see the trail to this blog.

Good night, love you x

Monday, 6 May 2013

I would like to introduce myself.....

My name is Susan and I am a recovering depressive.

I feel like 'me' again, the person I used to know....Before.

I hope that was the end of it and dread that it will happen again.

Nothing has changed in my life, I mean, No Thing.  It is all the same.......except that it is different.

The financial shite is still there, I still dislike The FW, I am still disappointed in the Best Friend, I still would like to move to another house, preferably with one less in the family (snigger).

Yet, it is all bearable, doable, manageable, okayable.  (sorry about the last one).

I feel quite light, clear and if you will, a bit cheerful.  And wearing Clothes too, look at me all dressed and everything.

I have enjoyed the sun, made the bedroom a nice place to be, sorted yarn which is a marvellous job, enjoyed a barbecue in the garden with the kids that The FW prepared and cooked.  I have talked with The FW about his family (grrrr) and he told me is worried about the Cardiologist appointment.  I will go with him unless he says otherwise.  Because I feel able to.

I had to 'fess up about The Depression to him because on Thurs when I went out early the post came and there was The Letter with 'Private and Confidential' on it and the sender label with the hospital name on.  Great, just great.  I fudged a bit about how what and when, but gave him just enough info to get by.  He said he didn't know.  (How the Fuck could anyone not notice, I mean Really!)

I have been expecting to go offline any day (poss tomorrow) 'cos he still can't pay the media bill (boring).

I want to thank you Lovely Peeps for "being there" (cliche cliche) but you have, you really have and I bless you for it.  Thank You.

The Sun 'as got 'is 'at on, 'ip 'ip 'ooray, the Sun 'as got 'is 'at on and I'm comin' out to plaaaaay.

I saw a quote somewhere, it said -

"I'm not happy, I'm just fed up being miserable"

I like it.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

The FW has the miseries...

Yeah,welcome to my world, mate.

He sold the van on Monday, but is pissed off the money hasn't come through yet.

He is now saying he feels that nothing is worth it and why bother etc.  I don't reply.  I can't.  I have no sympathy at all.

Incidentally, since reading out my first (severe) diagnosis to the Best Friend, 2 weeks ago now, she has not asked once how I am.  Yeah great.  I have visited her last week and phoned this week.  I may have to leave it a while now.

To change the subject a little, I mentioned the fish that FW got on freecycle, and one big bugger.  I swear it watches me when I am hanging the washing.  I am still using the little winter line on the patio area which is right next to the big pond.  This fish is massive and loiters in the corner and when I stand there it raises it's head and I can see the bloody eyes.  (I'm gonna need a bigger boat).

I had a nice day today.  I like that.


Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Diazepam mellow

This is just a quick (bombed out) post, as The FW has not paid the virgin bill and we may go offline at midnight.

I diazepamed up and wandered down to the dentist, dropping off prescription for increased blood pressure tabs on the way to collect after...have forgotten the blood test I should have had 2 weeks ago and am hoping to fit that in in the next few days (diazepam and emla for that little beauty my friends).  Aaanyhoo, I walked in and the lovely receptionist said, you are a week early. bugger.  So I explained the diazepam fug and she said that maybe if I came back in 30 mins I might get fitted in.  ok then.  so a pre-dentist trip to yarn shop down the road instead of post-trip.  I went in the door, sat down and said can I tell you a story.  They listened and giggled and sympathised and I bought yarn from the bargain bin (and it was 5% Shop Local day too yay).

I wandered back up the road trying to phone to make blood test appointment (no go) in case dentist could not see me as I didn't want to waste 15mg of fuzzy time.  Luckily I got in, and the dentist (the kindest, softest handed dentist in the entire universe I swear) and now I can wear my newish partial denture without pain, my teeth aren't too bad despite the neglect and I have a new fischer covering on the partially emerged wisdom tooth.  I have no pain and no fear.  This is Good.

I then wandered back down to the British Heart Foundation shop to browse furniture and take measurements for yarn/fabric storage bookshelf/cupboardy things.  (I have four chest of drawers in this bedroom and not one is perfect for bedside accoutrements or knicker drawer or sufficient toppage for all my crap. Sighing heavily now.  When it is finally finished and primped I will show 'after pics'.

As I walked in the front door I realised I had forgotten the blood pressure tabs. bum.

Tomorrow I am going horse visiting with pal and will also ask another pal if I can accompany her when she walks her little dog the loong way round, chatting all the way.  Leaving my little elderly, grumpy, stinky dog behind.  With Alf I basically stand there whilst he sniffs/scratches/scent marks every tree, leaf, blade of grass and gate post.  Exercise it is not.

Yesterday I had a telephone assessment with the guy from Southlands which is a place for severe depression and because I answered honestly I am now only mild and not suitable for them, but can go back to KCA.  I am confused and wept a bit but after a good chat I understand a little more and will contact KCA which is only 12 minutes walk from my house.  I explained what happened at the beginning of my perimenopause* and he is of the opinion that I have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder.  Ok.  This makes sense and explains the 35 years of cyclical depression symptoms etc I have had.  About 35 years too late, but now I have a possible diagnosis.  Back to the GP soon and discuss.

Ok, it is cup of tea and nap time, after which I will wake up 'good to go' for animal feeding, dinner prep and the impossible task of finishing a cushion for horsey friend.

Love ya,

* severe menorrhagia for three months leading to anaemia,by the time I saw the consultant it had stopped on it's own - paranoid, moi?

Not sure about proper titles for /southlands/kca as it is so local, but I will find out and explain properly.