Monday, 19 November 2012


which is not difficult to feel when you are 4' 10", petite, slightly overweight and get trampled on in supermarkets etc in spite of wearing a Bright Red Coat.

Just lately, though, there have been a few instances/comments/mentions/occurrences where I have felt small, invisible, worthless, useless, overbearing (if that is possible), and just downright rubbish.

This is a pityfest I am afraid, so if you are looking for the 'isn't life wonderful' blog you ain't gonna find it here.  I do have moments of 'nice' though they are indeed only moments.

Middle son's GF has not stayed to a meal for 2 weekends now, the last time she was here I was a little stressed and later on said to son that I did not appreciate an audience whilst I was cooking (which I hate doing anyway), knowing him he passed that on bluntly.  Even though The FW was also in the audience!

I find that when there are people in the room I make mistakes, drop things, in other words turn into a complete moron.  I am not a great cook, I do what I have to within the budget, mood, different tastes of those involved.  Eldest son and I would be content with something on toast, The FW wants gourmet, daughter would eat chinese style noodles all the live long day and middle son likes everything except jam, beans, mash, bananas, custard, hot puddings, tea, coffee, etc *sigh*.  In the days when we used to eat out occasionally someone was always unhappy/hungry. 

Now I know there are people who will say those old chestnuts like: don't give an alternative, they will eat when hungry: when I was a kid we ate everything or starve: mollycoddling blah blah.....
....well when I was a child my mum (a great cook) made one meal for everyone and my memories of those times are very difficult - my oldest friend remembers these time as well - in doing what he thought was best my dad (love him) used to force feed me and then smack me when I threw up.  I vowed I would eat only what I wanted (why shouldn't I, everyone else does) and when I wanted.  I truly hate 'dinner time'. 

I have conformed inasmuch as we eat at the table at the same time for evening meals/sunday lunch. but everyone makes their own breakfast and lunch, at different times to suit their day so I am constantly clearing up.  A pain in the a*se but it is my choice to not be tied to the bread board.  I also made a point of sitting at the table when the children were small, with food, and I ate it, then later when they were older and established I would sit with a cup of tea and chat/cut food/encourage to eat etc.  Now I usually start clearing up or feed the animals, make the packed lunch for daughter, stuff like that.  I do sit down for sunday lunch still, even with a small plate.

I have found through my travels in life there are others that have 'selective diets' like me and don't make food for their families at all, I do and it is still not good enough.

Now here's the thing, I mentioned the 'constant clearing up'  on the phone to BF some time ago and again recently.  There was no-one in the room so how does The FW know what I said and why.  This very thing came up this morning, how does he know this?  There are often snippets of conversations that get mentioned and I wonder if I am being paranoid or, or, is there something else going on? He is all the way down the garden in his cabin ffs.

Middle son now has job that is 'rotational' so is often out for dinner including weekends, but it often changes so I don't know where I am budget-wise, portion-wise or ideas-wise at the moment.

Dear daughter decided to spend most of this last weekend with friends after a week of slightly heightened emotions, I do wonder what is being said about me, her father has always denigrated me to people who do not know me and I wonder if she is doing the same.  I fear so, and it makes me sad.

I feel that I must be a horrible person because of this even though there are friends and semi-relations that I do not see as often who think I am great, give me hugs and wonder how I am still standing with all the horrid stuff I have had to deal with.

I hardly speak to BF anymore unless I phone her, and then feel I guilty when I hear about the lots of crap (some self-inflicted) she has had to cope with, even though she does not phone me at the time.
What should I do; pretend, put a face on and give my all to everyone else, again or should I be quiet, not speak for fear of upsetting anyone and just get on with it.  This is something I have done for twentysomething years, there must come a time when I matter, how I feel and could I maybe have some consideration please?

Sorry about the big long wordy post, this has been simmering for a few days and has taken all morning dipping in and out.  May I offer a cuppa and a kitkat as compensation?  I might try and add pics soon just to take the pain away.

PS: The FW was NEVER around for breakfast when they were small (too full from previous night's beer and takeaway) and used to complain at dinnertimes that they behaved badly.  I knew from eating with other families that my children were well behaved but because they weren't 1950's rigid like his family he did not like this and didn't want to eat with them in the evening.  He wanted me to feed them at 4, put them to bed at 6 and then give all my attention to him before he went to the pub.  He also never 'did' the whole bedtime routine either, even though his mum was a kind, caring, proper bedtime cuddles type mum. 

NOTE: I have just realised some of my anger is that he was 'disassociated' with the children when small and needed care, but now they are adults (one nearly) he wants their company and likes to show off his 'trophy' daughter, (you know the third child he didn't want!).  It hurts because I know the truth and cannot tell them and although I know it is a good thing that they have a good relationship with their father I am sure he will let them down at some point.

Also how do I tell middle, honest-to-the-point-of-bluntness, son not to let his father know how much he earns ?


  1. Phew, you don't have things easy at all, do you? You must be a very strong person, to have stayed all that time and put up with all that nonsense. Since your son is blunt and no nonsense, tell him in that same way, not to tell his father how much he earns, and why.

  2. Thank you hun. Although I have been strong in the past I am now faltering. Head down, shoulders hunched, trudging, trudging. x

  3. Time to realise that you are unique and only you are what you are. Time to realise that it is the others that are missing out on what you are and what you can give them.

    Stop chasing after them, put down some ground rules - gently but firmly about meal times, how about some one else cooking for a change, offer to wash up afterwards rather than help during cooking.
    Take some 'me' time and realise you are worth taking care of.

    Speak to son, as honestly as possible (or as bluntly as you dare) and explain your reasons. If he is a decent lad and you are honest with him - then he will see.

    Don't let the buggers grind you down!!!


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.