Thursday, 4 October 2012

I think it's only wednesday but

it has been a hellish day in a hellish week.
today I have cried myself into exhaustion and dehydration.
Hub and his sis are at war re mum
bro in law is beside himself with rage - protecting his wife I grant you but he is unaware that what his wife is doing is not in mum's best interests, financially or practically.
when we met in ward this pm we were hustled by SiL into next room hub was immediately angry at her first words and i tried to speak to allow him to calm down and was told 'no I want to speak to my brother'
I left the room and motioned bro in law to stay in corridor which to his credit he did but within earshot
I tried to explain hubs issue and but this was immediately negated by BiL who said they have had to deal with this for four years which is true but SiL always  had the best of mum to to the detriment of her other siblings. (I had a lot of love and support from mum because my own mother was elderly and ill when I had my babies and died just after my daughters 1st birthday, I lost my father when my boys were tiny)
I have known and liked BiL as an essentially likeable and harmless bloke for 30 years, but today the waves of rage and negativity were palpable and scared me
we stood a few feet apart and I tried again to say some facts on the situation, this was again blocked/denied yet I know these facts to be true - in these instances you cannot get through to people when the drawbridges are pulled up.

I broke down and wept in a public corridor, deep sobs that I could not control.
The person standing beside me did not acknowledge, approach, offer the simplest comfort/word or even a tissue
I said between sobs that he was allowed to support his wife but I was not allowed to support my husband. Their younger brother has distanced himself but his wife has the severest form of MS and he has recently had to give up work to care for her (she is younger than me)
I managed to control myself eventually when hub and SiL came out of room - there were words of upset and discord between them but I did not hear what they were. SiL came to me and when I said I could not bear it her reply was 'welcome to my world I've had this for a year' and left me there. We did not know how bad it had got.  The line between privacy and secrecy is non-existent.

Hub and I had a meeting with the ward manager and we were told that mum had asked that the family were not told that she had MRSA, at first this seemed feasible but now I begin to doubt. She was transferred to this ward within 2 hours of our visiting yesterday and looking at her notes
Hub has said he regrets not dealing with this sooner, to his sis and the nurse, maybe things would have been dealt with better, I know this to be true.

After meeting we decided to leave the ward until SiL and Bil had left, we went and had tea and I cried and poured out my heart whilst feeling guilty that this is not My mum and yet I am in pieces, I spoke about feeling like a piece of dirt to be ignored when in great distress, something I could not do to another however I felt about them.  I know his family dislike or even hate me because the way I came into the family but this has been 30 years now, we have children who were themselves not included in family stuff and barely know their cousins. After our tea the lady in the coffee bar who hub knows because he used to do much work at that hospital hugged me.. a stranger, and yet family couldn't care less.

At a recent meeting re mum at SiL's house her hub was there, and her two brothers were invited (I was not and other SiL obviously not able to be there) though it seemed that decisions had already been made and all she wanted was their agreement. I have written about this in previous posts.

I did say to hub that if S were alive this would not be happening (S died 3 years ago from breast cancer, she hated me the most and I was not allowed to attend funeral) S was the second eldest, the most practical, no-nonsense and got almost no help at all from her mother which hurt her but she got on with her life).

I feel that SiL believes she is the first and only person on the planet who has had to deal with elderly parents, and yet will not accept any help or advice or indeed goes out of her way to do the opposite. In the beginning I had mentioned that I had to deal with two elderly parents needing care when I had two small babies, couldn't drive and I had no help at all (did not say at the time but will if given the chance again that  I had an unsupportive and very demanding husband to deal with as well), whereas her husband is retired and does a lot for her and her eldest daughter is quite forthright and practical too and gives a lot of support to her.

in my opinion she has had a soft life, with the most help for the least reasons 'I have a headache can you do my ironing' etc.  her boasting re grandchildren is endless but three months ago I was allowed 10 minutes to boast about my son doing his PHD, then my time was up whilst she brought up some obscure 2nd cousin who was a 'real' doctor.  It rankles her that my son is the first and only grandchild in the family to go to university.

Perhaps I am being harsh to her in this distressing time but the endless discrimination to myself and my children, the rejection/ignorance/downright rudeness has taken a massive toll on our family. I have no older female relatives to turn to, even my SiL in my family has left us and is joining another family.
I often have to be strong for my niece/nephew, my childless brother whose eventual elderly care will fall on my children in years to come.  My eldest brother behaves like an only child (he has stepdaughters and sends us a 'round robin' letter to let us know about births/marriages etc) so I feel I cannot turn to him for support and anyway he is not a girl.

I want/need to be held and patted and rocked and my tears dried and this may never happen. Hub did comfort me briefly and listened thoroughly to my feelings and is conscious of my fragility at the moment (tho I have not told him about recent visit to GP to seek help with depression), but he is angry with his sis who has now contacted younger brother to get him on side.

I have said walk away and leave it, visit mum and dad in their care homes (mum will get into home soon tho we know she will hate her room within days of being there), let the shit hit the fan it is none of our doing and we do not have to deal with the fall out, and trust me there will be fall out.

Tho I will 'put this behind me and be polite in the future' I fear the repercussions will run deep and long, you are never ever forgiven if you step out of line. 

Thank God for my friends. even the ones i have neglected this horrible horrible year. (I have a 'friends' post in my draft list, I will look it out).

Another long and self indulgent post, apologies but I need to 'write it out'.  my tears have dried and I may wake tomorrow angry and woe betide anyone of hubs family who try to take me on, because believe me they will lose. I may only be 4' 10" but I am fierce when you hit the right nerve.

Love ya

PS I dread tomorrow and not just because I need to do asda shop!

Man, the right anti-histamine can knock you right out, I may not wake when kid leaves for school.
N'night all


  1. Replies
    1. Was it self feels so now after waking at 9am with eyes like 'pissholes in the snow'!
      I haven't even begun on all the other stuff, I could write a tolkienesque trilogy in eight parts about my family, his family and other gobshites.
      Shit...just remembered asda *sigh*

  2. Susan, remember that this is your blog and you can be as self indulgent as you want to be. I wish I could be there to hug you and pat you and make you feel better.

    1. Thanks hun, I really appreciate the 'blog love'. I got a hug in asda from friend who also has 'troubles' and one in the hospital cafe last night (a stranger, bless). I will take your hug and pop it in a box for later (my secret chocolate stash box lol). x


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.