Sunday, 7 October 2012

I actually managed to walk the dog woohoo

Yep, poor fella, he doesn't get out everyday, but we have a large garden, a cat to play with and the postman to send him into frantic chasing in and out of the catflap.  The boys walk him when I ask but we don't take him out in the rain cos he is low to the ground (like me larf) and white so a rainy walk involves a bath and that kills my back. (He is the only one to use our posh, deep, jacuzzi bath)  He is due a bath tomorrow oh yippeedeedoodah, trimming will also be on the menu (deep joy).

I am not feeling too bad at the moment (considering the past week) and am being good and not switching laptop on during day so am not tempted to blog read when should be cleaning/ironing etc.  Managed to work on the Blanket of Doom (the end is nigh) and catch up on some pre-recorded telly.

Did not visit MiL in hosp today when hub went (persuaded eldest son to go, tho he wasn't keen, she is happier in new ward,but kept calling my son by my younger brother's name as the likeness is strong when A was his age, she asked after my mum too tho she has been gone 14 years, I'm glad I wasn't there for that).

I am concerned that unless hub and his sister don't meet up soon and try to get past this there will be a rift, and this family consider a rift to be normal. MiL didn't speak to her younger sister for 40 years until near the end of her life, her older sister for 10 years and would have nothing to do with stepmother-in-law which resulted in FiL not receiving his full inheritance a few years ago. All of these rifts were for small, misunderstandings or mistaken pride. What a waste.
I have always said I can't be doing with this sort of crap, my brothers piss me off all the time, but we don't fall out even if we don't speak for a long time due to 'life stuff'.  But, quite frankly, hubs family are a fucking pain in the arse, pretending all is well and aren't we lovely when really they must hate each other to act like this.  It's a quite big family but the individual circles are getting smaller.

MiL had a nervous breakdown about 12 years ago, it was quite scary at the time and she said she was worried when she and dad were gone they family would break apart.  I didn't think it possible at the time but she was right, one sister has died, one brother has wife with MS and is not including us or informing us or asking for help at all.  We would give it gladly but to ask for help is a sign of weakness.  They always like to feel superior (which of course is an insecurity) and to have any sign of weakness, whether it be financial, health, marital is only mentioned in passing and any offers are automatically rejected.  When on the rare occasions they give help if it is asked for then it is on their terms and not always quite what you need or when you need it at that particular moment,  which is pointless.

I have always been open about any problems we have (except one in my own family that is impossible to talk about because it is not my secret, or the marital problems we have and are still experiencing because the fallout is too huge to consider), I don't care who knows we are struggling financially, or my daughter's previous health/teenage angst or son's mental health, and they never seem to listen or ask in case we might actually ask them for help.  In fact I think they may be cardboard cutouts because there are never any problems or issues any of them have which can't be right, can it?

So all talk is oneupmanship or mere hints to 'pityfish' when the once in a blue moon occasion get together occurs (ie a funeral or parent birthday).  Tho I have just realised that on some occasions everyone has managed to arrive/depart at different times and therefore avoid each other.  There was once some socialising when the other sis was alive but I can only guess at this as we were never invited.The only times the whole family got together was at parents house and that hasn't been for years because the house was too small as the family expanded!

I think when their parents are gone that will be it, all these families who have also had the next generation families will not know each other. How sad.

For myself, I see one brother now and again as he is single and hovers around in his own little world, one brother barely remembers he has other siblings and the middle brother is an 'unmentionable' for reasons that are impossible to talk about, see above). I have many cousins down here on my mum's side (ie dahn sarf) but they are all boys and don't think about girly things like family socialising etc.  My father came from the midlands and there are girl cousins there but we have lost touch except for the odd xmas card.  When my favourite auntie died recently they sent a letter with an explanation as to who she was (as if I did not remember her) and when I phoned immediately my cousin was surprised to hear from me! I sent sympathy cards, photos I had found and flowers etc and got absolutely nothing in response.  That hurt, and made me feel diminished and not worthy of the grief I felt at losing my aunt.

This is similar to what I experienced recently with MiL, it is as if I am not allowed to feel emotional about the loss we are experiencing (it is ongoing because mum is slowly disappearing and so is dad with his alzheimers) I think SiL thinks mum will magically reappear when she is out of hospital.  I am certainly not allowed to express an opinion.

Anyway I may have to try and manage the days in tiny chunks of time and allotted task for that day and not be distracted with others and their demands. That is why I did not go to hosp today because I had things to do and set times to do them in. There are times in the day when I work best, and times when I think best.  I also try to have 'time off' and when I don't get that precious time I get cranky.

Another wordy post and still i have only scratched the surface, if you are still interested I will carry on, tho i may carry on anyway just to clear out the noggin so there might be some space for positivity - now there's a thought!

See ya later, alligator.
I actually posted this at midnight not mid afternoon.


  1. Hello Susan. Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog.

    We all have blogs for different reasons. I'm actually quite envious that you have created this safe little corner for yourself that your family doesn't know about. I do offload a little from time to time but too many 'real life' people know about my blog! Personally? I'm a great believer in not bottling things up. You are clearly having a tottering time with your family so spill away to your heart's content. Not only will it help you to 'make sense of your world' but it will provide you with some sort of release I'm sure.

    I have had an absolutely foul time with my family (you're not alone, trust me) which reached a sort of crescendo a year ago and, my god, it's been hard to maintain sanity sometimes!

    On the whole, people in Blogland are friendly, supportive and empathetic. I don't think I've ever had a disparaging comment in nearly three years.

    Oh yes and don't underestimate crochet therapy! There is so much inspiration around it will get you buzzing! :-)

    Heather x

  2. Hi, hun,
    thanks for your comment, had a funny chat with daughter this morning about 'normal' families and I said we were about an 8 on the Jeremy Kyle Scale. (ie we eat at the table and use cutlery larf). She thinks our family is completely nucking futs!
    How about starting a new, secret, just for you blog.
    Love Susan x
    PS some blogs catch my eye because they look attractive and the writers have a rhythm to their words that draw me in - yours is on my favourite list and I have missed you when you have been 'away'.
    PPS crochet 'saves' me lol - even 'The Blanket of Doom'!


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.