Saturday, 2 March 2013

Staring at the blank screen

pressing the keys is too hard

the tears are stinging

i am invisible

and pathetic

and alone

i want to run away

i want it to stop

there is no peace

i have no way to change things

no control

only endurance

i pretend all the time

i am hiding my true feelings

for the sake of others

would they notice if i was gone

i am weak

but pretend to be strong

it is unbearable


  1. I know how stretched you feel my love. Thinking of you often.
    Much love x

  2. hang in there. tomorrow the sun will rise xx

  3. Oh Honey, I have been where you are, and I want to reach out and hold your hand, and make you a cuppa, and give you a hug. x x x Please leave me a message on my blog that I won't publish, and give me perhaps an email address that we can use to chat? Let me help if i can? xx

  4. I am SO sorry that you are feeling so bad. I understand how you feel, I have written many similar entries in my journal.
    I have to tell you though that you are NOT invisible, though you may feel that way. There are people who know you and who know that you are there and who appreciate that. When I felt invisible it was because I had no sense of self. I had no idea who I was.
    You are NOT-NOT-NOT pathetic. You are in a difficult situation, and my guess is that you remain there for the sake of your dependent child(ren). This is the action of a woman who is strong.
    I also understand the feeling that you have no control and I recognise the grinding wearing down that is endurance. But even in the bleakest situation there are moments of relief, and even in the harshest situations we do not have to give away all our power.
    We may not have power to change big things, but if we find a way to change even something very small, it reminds us that we have not given away our power completely. Here, money is very tight and not because I can't manage, but because BoJ has brought us to this situation. Each week I save a little from the food budget. It may only be 50p, or sometimes less than that, but it is within my power to do that, it reminds me that I am not powerless, that 50p represents my power. I stash away however much or little it is each week, and watch my tiny savings grow. It isn't much, but it IS under my control.
    It is possible to take a little time each day just for myself. That also is within my power. It may be taking a cup of tea upstairs and shutting myself in the bathroom for a while, or walking to the end of the garden and focusing on something lovely. We have a blackbird which sings a beautiful song most evenings in spring and summer. I close my eyes and have that few moments of beauty to myself.
    I used to find a few quiet moments to imagine myself on a narrow boat and I'd focus on the wildlife, the peace, go through the cupboards and see what I'd chosen to take with me, imagine navigating the canals. This was a few moments of freedom.
    You may feel totally powerless, but I'm sure that there is some little thing that you can change, and however tiny it is, it will help to remind you that you are not completely powerless.
    I have been helped over the years by my counsellor, by books, by blogs (yours included -thank you) and by web sites. There is help and support out there, and it has helped me to know that there are other people in a similar situation to me who survive and who eventually thrive.
    I wish I was near to you and then I could come over and make a cup of tea and sit with you and listen and give a hug if you'd allow it. I can offer (((cyberhugs))) and cyberlistening. I can tell you categorically that you are not alone, you have blog friends who care a great deal, and there are people in your life too who care, but who may well not know how to show it, or who may not be able to at the moment.
    I hope that you are able to come out of this bleak place soon, and if there is anything at all that I can do to help you, please let me know.

  5. Hang on, it will pass.

    Hugs to you m'dear.

  6. Stay strong my dear, stay strong. You've done it for so long.
    Make a plan -any plan. Your life is yours - not FW's or your childrens, but yours.

    My heart and hugs go out to you lovely lady. xx


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.