Sunday, 10 March 2013

Devastating dip

Yesterday (Friday) was pretty grim and not just because of the weather.

I shopped at our Tesco Metro in town as I had a voucher, it isn't easy as I refuse to pay the exorbitant car parking fees and park the car several minutes walk away, so heavy shopping bags have to be considered.  I took some stuff into the nearest charity shop, nearly ended up as the 'Smash'  advert lady, managed to  avoided any of the other charity shops and headed straight to the food shopping.  I absolutely hate food shopping on a budget, it is not fun and it is not a challenge to see how little I can spend.  It is about how much I can get for my family with the tiniest amount.  I hate it, I hate it.

I went into the post office to get a form to cash in the remaining premium bonds.  When that is gone, that's it, no more safety net.  All my savings (about 4 1/2K) are gone.  I got completely soaked and when I got home The FW was rubbishing the £100 offer he had got from the bank he is in dispute with.  I have no idea how that will turn out.  He has a valid reason but I suspect the bank will win this time.  I got upset and told him that I wasn't sure whether to buy the daffodils for the cemetery for Mother's Day, because it was hard to justify the expense.

 My mother was poor all her life too, and she worked fucking hard at a shit job for it.  When I am trudging in the rain with heavy bags, wearing shabby clothes I wonder what the hell happened, I am living her life without the financial control she had.  Unfortunately my dad had been told by my Nan that the women in our family controlled the money and he went along with it, he had saved some money during the war and wanted to buy an old house and do it up etc, he was a bricklayer by trade, but mum spent it on some furniture - he never forgave her.

He worked damned hard too but got laid off in the 70s when he got a back injury, so mum was the main breadwinner for years with a just cleaning job.  Dad had quite severe undiagnosed depression too.  He told The FW not to let me be in charge of the money which justified how he intended to live our life anyway.  I didn't find this out until years later and consequently felt very betrayed by my dad.  In our marriage I am the financially sensible one and he is The Fuckwit.

The Late Vera's Legacy will have to be used for daughter's 16th birthday, school prom and the first few weeks of college until the financial assistance gets sorted.  I also have to pay her back her savings (the last electric bill) as she will have her savings account in April.  The premium bonds money, £500, will pay several months credit card payments, if I eke it out well.

It was kinda ironic that when the counselling service phoned my mobile I missed the call because I was curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing.


  1. Sending you a big hug.
    When I was married the first time my husband didn't want me to work. Fair enough. But he didn't work much either so there was no money at all. He would borrow £5 from his mum (pensioner) each week to buy food. In the end I couldn't stand it anymore I felt so degraded so I fought back and got a job and made him also get a job. We were still no better off as he seemed too spend it all with nothing to show for it. I felt that I'd made my bed so put up with it.
    After a few years he went off with someone else. Eventually I got my life back in order. I was very lucky that there were no children involved and had only myself to look after.
    I feel that I'm a stronger person for it and I can spot a lair very quickly. (1st husband was a constant lair).
    Now that your children are grown up is it possible to make baby steps to finding your own independance?
    Sending you the very Best of wishes for Mothers Day

  2. My darling, i would have felt betrayed by my dad too, but he was just reacting to what he had been through, and probably didn't realise what twat you unfortunately married :(

    Keep strong my lovely. It's mothers day. A pretty shitty day when you're as down as we are, but try and find a quiet time just to breathe easy today.
    I hope that counselling service rings back sharpish dear lady.

    Big hugs and love to you. You are amazing to be this strong and to write here when you can.
    Much love my sweet.
    Donna xx

  3. I agree with Donna and Carol, Baby steps towards a goal that is right for you. We all deserve a little piece of the world that is only for us, not just in our mind. You are worth that. What you have about you are just things hard to let go of but you can keep the memories no one can take those. Do you have a safe haven where you can keep any cash you make that FW cant get his hands on? BTW no you are not being selfish if you think that holding back some pennies isn't fair. I promise you it is. Oh just thought is there a credit union near you? that might be something to look into. I hope you managed to enjoy some part of Mothers day. Keep going you are stronger than you think and more so than he imagined.There is a deep beauty in such strength.
    Keep you chin up.
    I hope you dont see this is me being patronizing but thought it may be of some use)
    Cheep and cheerful sarnie filling...
    one egg per person (if large 2 eggs between 3) hard boil or till the yolk is almost but not quite done. Mash them up and add scrap grated cheese. Season with salt and pepper or any herbs and spices you like.slap between bread and if there is scrap salad over pop that in too make a very little go a long way.
    Also if you are doing jacket spud and beans add some Marmite or beef Boveril(if you like either) to the beans. I like us all live on a horrendously tight budget if you would like some basic cheep and cheerful recipes I would be more than willing to share. xxxxx


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.