I won't write heaps tonight as I am a bit cream crackered.
I have made a space for the crimbo tree, vacuumed and dusted and tidied and wiped and put away.
It is not exactly a deep clean, more like a cat lick. But it will do.
My hands are very cracked and sore.
Tomorrow I will hurt.
x
Friday, 7 December 2012
christmas decking......
It seems that on Saturday the decs are going up. This is not my job, or decision. I will need to join the yuman race on Fri eve as son's GF will be coming round before he comes home from work, (9am-9pm, which is a lie-in for him as he has had 7.30 starts this week). I am not doing dinner because The FW has been asked out for another free(?!) curry, so it will chips from the chippy.
Then on Saturday we are to be honoured with a visit from daughter's friend who is a boy. He absolutely adores her, but I don't know if he is a boyfriend or a friend who is a boy. So, I will clean and tidy in prep for decs (The FW always goes overboard but whateverrr) and on Sat after the big brekkie and hopefully a pop in to the little christmas craft fayre in the hideous town hall, I will visit the spiffingly gorjuss 99p shop for nibbly, treaty snacky bits. And we will put the xmas cds on and they will decorate. (There will have to be some furniture moving and the coffee table that is totally covered withhalf-started and abandoned work in progress xmas crochet gifty stuff will definitely need to be cleared. On a positive note the Blanket of Loveliness is at the edge of The Edge, huzzah!
The FW keeps lying to me ie, he said that middle son asked whether we are getting the christmas village out this year. (I have asked not to for two years as it goes in the large window sill at the front of the house that the little doggie likes to sit on and I have to spend the day rescuing it and stopping him from being in the place he likes bestinalltheworld). This lovely little village has turned into a city of mexican proportions 'cos The FW gets obssessed with a new interest and does not have the Stop gene. Anyhoo, I asked MS and guess what, oh you already guessed, he said no, not me I haven't asked. Jeez, does he think I am not going to find that simple lie out ffs. Not to mention the amount of free curries he has been randomly asked to. Lie one, he is the instigator of the meals out and n
Also a dilemma, The FW listens in on my phone calls whatever they are, a chat with the learning leader or Eldest son saying what time he will be home, and he doesn't always let me know he is on the line, (I know he always is). So here's the thing, last night the phone rang once then stopped. I do not answer phone in evening as it is almost never for me. I did not think anything of it until this afternoon The FW said that it was daughter on line to the friend who is a boy and was crying about something another girl said. The FW said that the FWIAB was very kind and saying nice things etc. So he is reassured that this person is a Good Person for our daughter to be around. Or words to that effect. Ohhhkay, do I mention to daughter that her father listened in on a phone call, hmmm, or not because she does not want to hear anything negative about him, and she would be incredibly upset and embarrassed. ES told me that when he went in daughter's room whilst she was on phone she was happy and smiling. So, another lie from The FW.
I have to say he has lied and lied and lied again, I am used to this. It is very childlike, the lies are easily discovered and completely obvious. He thinks he has one up on me, but in fact I have one up on him because I know he has lied but he does not realise that I know.... y'know. I do not challenge him because he will get cross and then suddenly, as if by magic, that lie becomes the truth in his own mind and he will insist that whatever it is, is true (usually there is a teeny tiny kernel of truth in it) and because I doubt myself, he will win the argument (or in fact I give in) because I do not like confrontations even if I am in the right. So I let him get away with it at the time then some time later I will 'mention' the correct facts and he will look at me and I can see him wondering, and I have to turn away to hide my smiles. I am such a bitch, no?
It is peedling down outside so I am going to go to sleep soothed by the sound of the rain, it is very comforting being all cosy with a hot water bottle (no namby pamby covers for me, it has to be burning rubber snigger!)
Nighty Night x
PS I absolutely promise to learn how to add pics of the crochet - I am proud of my accomplishments - they are all totally copied from other blogs. I am such a 'copyist' larf. It will be a 2013 Thing To Achieve.
PPS I am publishing without previewing as Blogger is being a Bugger... Typepad anyone? Added later posting fri pm as it didn't publish last nite grrr.
Then on Saturday we are to be honoured with a visit from daughter's friend who is a boy. He absolutely adores her, but I don't know if he is a boyfriend or a friend who is a boy. So, I will clean and tidy in prep for decs (The FW always goes overboard but whateverrr) and on Sat after the big brekkie and hopefully a pop in to the little christmas craft fayre in the hideous town hall, I will visit the spiffingly gorjuss 99p shop for nibbly, treaty snacky bits. And we will put the xmas cds on and they will decorate. (There will have to be some furniture moving and the coffee table that is totally covered with
The FW keeps lying to me ie, he said that middle son asked whether we are getting the christmas village out this year. (I have asked not to for two years as it goes in the large window sill at the front of the house that the little doggie likes to sit on and I have to spend the day rescuing it and stopping him from being in the place he likes bestinalltheworld). This lovely little village has turned into a city of mexican proportions 'cos The FW gets obssessed with a new interest and does not have the Stop gene. Anyhoo, I asked MS and guess what, oh you already guessed, he said no, not me I haven't asked. Jeez, does he think I am not going to find that simple lie out ffs. Not to mention the amount of free curries he has been randomly asked to. Lie one, he is the instigator of the meals out and n
Also a dilemma, The FW listens in on my phone calls whatever they are, a chat with the learning leader or Eldest son saying what time he will be home, and he doesn't always let me know he is on the line, (I know he always is). So here's the thing, last night the phone rang once then stopped. I do not answer phone in evening as it is almost never for me. I did not think anything of it until this afternoon The FW said that it was daughter on line to the friend who is a boy and was crying about something another girl said. The FW said that the FWIAB was very kind and saying nice things etc. So he is reassured that this person is a Good Person for our daughter to be around. Or words to that effect. Ohhhkay, do I mention to daughter that her father listened in on a phone call, hmmm, or not because she does not want to hear anything negative about him, and she would be incredibly upset and embarrassed. ES told me that when he went in daughter's room whilst she was on phone she was happy and smiling. So, another lie from The FW.
I have to say he has lied and lied and lied again, I am used to this. It is very childlike, the lies are easily discovered and completely obvious. He thinks he has one up on me, but in fact I have one up on him because I know he has lied but he does not realise that I know.... y'know. I do not challenge him because he will get cross and then suddenly, as if by magic, that lie becomes the truth in his own mind and he will insist that whatever it is, is true (usually there is a teeny tiny kernel of truth in it) and because I doubt myself, he will win the argument (or in fact I give in) because I do not like confrontations even if I am in the right. So I let him get away with it at the time then some time later I will 'mention' the correct facts and he will look at me and I can see him wondering, and I have to turn away to hide my smiles. I am such a bitch, no?
It is peedling down outside so I am going to go to sleep soothed by the sound of the rain, it is very comforting being all cosy with a hot water bottle (no namby pamby covers for me, it has to be burning rubber snigger!)
Nighty Night x
PS I absolutely promise to learn how to add pics of the crochet - I am proud of my accomplishments - they are all totally copied from other blogs. I am such a 'copyist' larf. It will be a 2013 Thing To Achieve.
PPS I am publishing without previewing as Blogger is being a Bugger... Typepad anyone? Added later posting fri pm as it didn't publish last nite grrr.
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Interesting day.......
what a day for ups and downs::
Ups
Downs
Mehs
Had phone conversation with BF, the chat was mainly about and included her lovely little grandson (what a character and only one yr old) and her health. Only partly interested in talk about Fil and the broken ribs. Wasn't a total write off but, meh.
I need to add that I am truly grateful for the positive comments and virtual hugs. I don't want to sound crawly but y'know, like, really 'ppreciate it.
I also need to add that what I have written so far as not all of it, the bad stuff, there is more but I don't want to bore anyone. Some of it can't really be shared, the back lash could be huge. Nevertheless it has had a major effect on me, my self-esteem and made me question my motives and feelings for an individual.
This year has been huge, turning 50 and how I feel about that, friendships, children being adults, the end of school approaching, and the scarily depressive feelings I am experiencing. I scared myself pretty badly a few days ago with very, very negative thoughts. I have never, ever felt that bad before, never contemplated anything like that. My children have always kept me going on. There, I am shaking a bit with expressing those words. Please do not worry, I do not feel this way now. I will keep on keepin' on as the saying goes. At some point it has to get better, right?
On that slightly down note I will sleep now and tomorrow will be different.
Bless you and good night
xx
Ups
- 2 new peeps (haaaaallo my darlings, you are very welcome here
- one larder cupboard wiped and tidied to make room for the supermarket delivery of heavies (on the credit card but whateverrrrr)
- freezer sticky shelf wiped (it's only been a month since the spillage)
- ironing tackled
- did not leave house so therefore did not shower (dirty cow)
- It was nice the see the snow knowing I wasn't leaving house yaay.
- feeling 'lighter' in my head
Downs
- the cat peed in the utility area (right by the cat flap!!!) she has Never done this before, new worry to add to list, sigh. Did the snow scare her?
- Took 5 hours, on and off, to make 2 loaves of bread, one good, one fail. I need to stop this.
- Disastrous attempt at chinese dinner (The FW got involved too grrr)
- Son came home from friends house disappointed at being ignored, they had another couple there and had a takeaway meal and did not include him and barely spoke to him. He also finds it difficult that they always have the new computer gadget/game but there is no food in house for their children. I said it may be that that friendship has run its course.
- Tried to do some urgent crochet, just ended up trying to untangle a yarn monster all evening bah!
Mehs
Had phone conversation with BF, the chat was mainly about and included her lovely little grandson (what a character and only one yr old) and her health. Only partly interested in talk about Fil and the broken ribs. Wasn't a total write off but, meh.
I need to add that I am truly grateful for the positive comments and virtual hugs. I don't want to sound crawly but y'know, like, really 'ppreciate it.
I also need to add that what I have written so far as not all of it, the bad stuff, there is more but I don't want to bore anyone. Some of it can't really be shared, the back lash could be huge. Nevertheless it has had a major effect on me, my self-esteem and made me question my motives and feelings for an individual.
This year has been huge, turning 50 and how I feel about that, friendships, children being adults, the end of school approaching, and the scarily depressive feelings I am experiencing. I scared myself pretty badly a few days ago with very, very negative thoughts. I have never, ever felt that bad before, never contemplated anything like that. My children have always kept me going on. There, I am shaking a bit with expressing those words. Please do not worry, I do not feel this way now. I will keep on keepin' on as the saying goes. At some point it has to get better, right?
On that slightly down note I will sleep now and tomorrow will be different.
Bless you and good night
xx
Monday, 3 December 2012
The thing is..............
I have had a slight dip today.
Since I saw you last:
I have decided the method of decoupaging the cubby looks messy and will possibly either re-patch over all in one colour per 'cub' or try and soak off and start again. Hey it's not like there's only 3 weeks or so to chrimble and I have done nothing!!
FiL has had a fall in the home and has broken his ribs.
SiL had the vomiting lurgy Thursday/Friday and retched so much she blacked out and smashed her face on the loo, stitches and everything. The following day the care home phoned about FiL, and even though he would not take any pain relief he was in so much pain they took him to the A&E Sat night and SiL had to go and deal with it, she phoned us at 2am to let us know, hence the broken rib diagnosis. The FW has done fuck all about any of this.
Son's work phoned at 7.24 AM on Sat to see if he would be able to go in and cover a sick day, luckily he was at girlfriend's house and couldn't (and wouldn't) get there. I knew that sort of thing would happen because he lives just 12mins walk from the place. (They said later to him when his proper shift started that I sounded really lovely, bless).
I have spent a lot of time in the kitchen, and then later falling asleep whilst trying to finish daughter's blanket.
Had an allergy attack (how the hell?) when I breathed in and nearly choked on the very strong cheap toothpaste, had to take strong anti-histamine which was probably why I was falling asleep.
The FW said how about we get (his) mum's dining table and chairs in time for Christmas. Hmmm, it seems I don't appear to have any choice but I don't really want them as they are too posh for our kitchen and everyday use, our previous dining table set in our old house was his choice and too fancy schmancy for small children, drove me crackers. So I will cover the table with a fairly posh oilcloth whether he likes it or not, and to hell with the chairs (we have a cat, say no more). Apparently we are going to put the existing table in the attic (where the hell he is going to find the room I don't bloody know as he has filled it with all the crap from his auction house hobby from earlier this year).
I feel that time is scarily rushing past and yet I am in no hurry. I know that in about a week I will go into a total panic, rush around and recklessly spend money in a vague attempt to 'create' a Christmas. I used to be 'stepford wife' organised, cards written and ready to post on the 1st, presents thought about in September and ordered and paid for in October, the house organised in November and super cleaned in December. Now I don't give a crap, but I know I will feel guilty that the house is a complete mess and that the presents will be opened in about 10 minutes flat (like last year!).
I will say that my kids are not grabby and barely ask for anything unless pressed. I have always made a huge effort for them because of this, (sensibly, until the FW decides he is going to add his contribution of piles of useless crap that they have no need of or use for and that end up in the charity shop).
And there has been other annoying and upsetting trivial stuff happening, it is almost as if there is a determination to drag me down again after my brief (oh, so very brief semi-happy interlude). Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin*
I hope that I will wake up tomorrow (today) and feel as if I can be organised, I have 2 birthdays in the next couple of day so I must send cards. If I can make at least one list or one gift and write the 'definitely sending' Xmas cards (the rest I will only send when I receive, just to see what happens) then I can beat this Christmas Block. I had decided to crochet gifts, but the time for that is disappearing, it is all over the coffee table etc and I keep walking past and saying that I will do it later!
night night
x
Hello and thank you to my readers and commenters, thank you for making me visible.
*From the film 'Finding Nemo'
Since I saw you last:
I have decided the method of decoupaging the cubby looks messy and will possibly either re-patch over all in one colour per 'cub' or try and soak off and start again. Hey it's not like there's only 3 weeks or so to chrimble and I have done nothing!!
FiL has had a fall in the home and has broken his ribs.
SiL had the vomiting lurgy Thursday/Friday and retched so much she blacked out and smashed her face on the loo, stitches and everything. The following day the care home phoned about FiL, and even though he would not take any pain relief he was in so much pain they took him to the A&E Sat night and SiL had to go and deal with it, she phoned us at 2am to let us know, hence the broken rib diagnosis. The FW has done fuck all about any of this.
Son's work phoned at 7.24 AM on Sat to see if he would be able to go in and cover a sick day, luckily he was at girlfriend's house and couldn't (and wouldn't) get there. I knew that sort of thing would happen because he lives just 12mins walk from the place. (They said later to him when his proper shift started that I sounded really lovely, bless).
I have spent a lot of time in the kitchen, and then later falling asleep whilst trying to finish daughter's blanket.
Had an allergy attack (how the hell?) when I breathed in and nearly choked on the very strong cheap toothpaste, had to take strong anti-histamine which was probably why I was falling asleep.
The FW said how about we get (his) mum's dining table and chairs in time for Christmas. Hmmm, it seems I don't appear to have any choice but I don't really want them as they are too posh for our kitchen and everyday use, our previous dining table set in our old house was his choice and too fancy schmancy for small children, drove me crackers. So I will cover the table with a fairly posh oilcloth whether he likes it or not, and to hell with the chairs (we have a cat, say no more). Apparently we are going to put the existing table in the attic (where the hell he is going to find the room I don't bloody know as he has filled it with all the crap from his auction house hobby from earlier this year).
I feel that time is scarily rushing past and yet I am in no hurry. I know that in about a week I will go into a total panic, rush around and recklessly spend money in a vague attempt to 'create' a Christmas. I used to be 'stepford wife' organised, cards written and ready to post on the 1st, presents thought about in September and ordered and paid for in October, the house organised in November and super cleaned in December. Now I don't give a crap, but I know I will feel guilty that the house is a complete mess and that the presents will be opened in about 10 minutes flat (like last year!).
I will say that my kids are not grabby and barely ask for anything unless pressed. I have always made a huge effort for them because of this, (sensibly, until the FW decides he is going to add his contribution of piles of useless crap that they have no need of or use for and that end up in the charity shop).
And there has been other annoying and upsetting trivial stuff happening, it is almost as if there is a determination to drag me down again after my brief (oh, so very brief semi-happy interlude). Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin*
I hope that I will wake up tomorrow (today) and feel as if I can be organised, I have 2 birthdays in the next couple of day so I must send cards. If I can make at least one list or one gift and write the 'definitely sending' Xmas cards (the rest I will only send when I receive, just to see what happens) then I can beat this Christmas Block. I had decided to crochet gifts, but the time for that is disappearing, it is all over the coffee table etc and I keep walking past and saying that I will do it later!
night night
x
Hello and thank you to my readers and commenters, thank you for making me visible.
*From the film 'Finding Nemo'
Friday, 30 November 2012
So, here's the thing.......
How come I can just pick up the post, open it and then.....actually deal with it like there has never been a problem with my stoopid head.
I have just spoken to the water company, had a nice chat and she is sending out a form (yaaarrgh) to get help with the water so The FW can have the pain-relieving therapeutic showers/baths he needs.
I have also spent some fab time decoupaging my cubby thing to go in the fugly desk. Ok it has been set up to do this for about a week and I am only about half way through, but it is looking good, and I am so chuffed with myself I danced a little jig!!
And I feel ok, I mean really, really ok.
Please dear God this lasts, please, please.
Laters,
x
I have just spoken to the water company, had a nice chat and she is sending out a form (yaaarrgh) to get help with the water so The FW can have the pain-relieving therapeutic showers/baths he needs.
I have also spent some fab time decoupaging my cubby thing to go in the fugly desk. Ok it has been set up to do this for about a week and I am only about half way through, but it is looking good, and I am so chuffed with myself I danced a little jig!!
And I feel ok, I mean really, really ok.
Please dear God this lasts, please, please.
Laters,
x
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Today I did not cry........
Nothing has changed, everything is the same and yet.....and yet, I did not cry this morning, I got on with the busy, slightly stressful day and felt almost, but not quite, sort of okay.
Had brief visit with MiL, she seems to be settling in care home and hoping for a bigger room at some point.
Had a couple of interesting chats with each boy 'bout life and shizz and, at last have started on The Edge of daughter's crochet blanket, yippedeedoodah.
We still may go offline, possibly in about an hour 'cos virgin bill still not paid, sigh. I think mugsy here will have to pay 'cos daughter needs the 'portal' for school work. (I remember them old days when the teacher made you write the homework in your Rough Book, remember them? That's the seventies for you).
I don't know what happened overnight, is there still an 'ormone 'anging abaht!
N'night my pets x
PS If I go 'way for a bit, I won't be far I promise.
Had brief visit with MiL, she seems to be settling in care home and hoping for a bigger room at some point.
Had a couple of interesting chats with each boy 'bout life and shizz and, at last have started on The Edge of daughter's crochet blanket, yippedeedoodah.
We still may go offline, possibly in about an hour 'cos virgin bill still not paid, sigh. I think mugsy here will have to pay 'cos daughter needs the 'portal' for school work. (I remember them old days when the teacher made you write the homework in your Rough Book, remember them? That's the seventies for you).
I don't know what happened overnight, is there still an 'ormone 'anging abaht!
N'night my pets x
PS If I go 'way for a bit, I won't be far I promise.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Oh poop......
Today it is a month to middle son's birthday which means there is less than a month to C*****mas. oh poop.
I have just done a small budgetty type thing as aforementioned son has just been paid and will therefore give me the money back that I have lent him to tide him over and also his first month's housekeeping. What with the food shop and putting the teeny tiny tax credits straight into my No 2 account for the gas/electric/water bills there is no extra money left, for anything. oh poop.
I did last weeks food shop on my small credit card so that has to be paid back. Plus the other credit card that I used for last Christmas. I chopped in some premium bonds to pay that back last January, then didn't because the gas and electric needed to be paid and The FW hadn't got any money to pay them so therefore here I am nearly in December with last Xmas credit card bill still to pay. oh poop.
I have spent the last few days sobbing, and trying to stay motivated and keep on top of things but it is not working. My energy levels are at an all time low. Eldest son had to help cook dinner yesterday even though he is not a kitchen type person, luckily it was simple sausage and mash.
Tomorrow middle son will help me with a very well planned asda shop and on the way home pick up my cylinder vacuum cleaner I lent to BF 2 years ago to help her out. I need it back now as I am struggling with the hideous Dyson The FW bought that same year. (It sounds extravagant being a two vacuum cleaner family but there are practical reasons why, ie I am a small person and I can't really lug them up and down the stairs and we have a largish house*).
After that The FW wants to visit his mum in the home and I am going too because I haven't seen her for ages. I hope I can put a good 'face' on.
There is a chance I may be offline soon cos The FW has not paid the virgin media bill today (he hinted a couple of days ago he may not have the money to, he also thought that I was still receiving his working tax credit he had signed over to my bank account (like £70 a month was going to pay £300 per month worth of bills!), even though I explained to him it would only happen once as he no longer works therefore will not get working tax credit any more - durr. He still goes up pub every night, contributes (a lot) to their monthly cheesy nibble snack night, and also buys branded expensive food to eat at home 'cos he doesn't like the value stuff I buy!
Although I get fed up when the tv disappears, he needs the interweb more than me because he is making and selling model railway stuff on the Bay of E. This is what is funding his pub life.
So, mucho poopo to be dealt with.
A Bientot my beauties x
* before you get all poopsie on me cos we have a big house, we were foster carers for a while until our daughter was traumatised and I had to stop.
PS - strange talk at dinner of stepson's partner wanting me to join the Book of Face so she can talk to me!!! Um why not phone me.......!! The FW said she was a shitstirrer, why would he say that, and why would she want to talk to me, we are not exactly BFF. Curious I am.
I have just done a small budgetty type thing as aforementioned son has just been paid and will therefore give me the money back that I have lent him to tide him over and also his first month's housekeeping. What with the food shop and putting the teeny tiny tax credits straight into my No 2 account for the gas/electric/water bills there is no extra money left, for anything. oh poop.
I did last weeks food shop on my small credit card so that has to be paid back. Plus the other credit card that I used for last Christmas. I chopped in some premium bonds to pay that back last January, then didn't because the gas and electric needed to be paid and The FW hadn't got any money to pay them so therefore here I am nearly in December with last Xmas credit card bill still to pay. oh poop.
I have spent the last few days sobbing, and trying to stay motivated and keep on top of things but it is not working. My energy levels are at an all time low. Eldest son had to help cook dinner yesterday even though he is not a kitchen type person, luckily it was simple sausage and mash.
Tomorrow middle son will help me with a very well planned asda shop and on the way home pick up my cylinder vacuum cleaner I lent to BF 2 years ago to help her out. I need it back now as I am struggling with the hideous Dyson The FW bought that same year. (It sounds extravagant being a two vacuum cleaner family but there are practical reasons why, ie I am a small person and I can't really lug them up and down the stairs and we have a largish house*).
After that The FW wants to visit his mum in the home and I am going too because I haven't seen her for ages. I hope I can put a good 'face' on.
There is a chance I may be offline soon cos The FW has not paid the virgin media bill today (he hinted a couple of days ago he may not have the money to, he also thought that I was still receiving his working tax credit he had signed over to my bank account (like £70 a month was going to pay £300 per month worth of bills!), even though I explained to him it would only happen once as he no longer works therefore will not get working tax credit any more - durr. He still goes up pub every night, contributes (a lot) to their monthly cheesy nibble snack night, and also buys branded expensive food to eat at home 'cos he doesn't like the value stuff I buy!
Although I get fed up when the tv disappears, he needs the interweb more than me because he is making and selling model railway stuff on the Bay of E. This is what is funding his pub life.
So, mucho poopo to be dealt with.
A Bientot my beauties x
* before you get all poopsie on me cos we have a big house, we were foster carers for a while until our daughter was traumatised and I had to stop.
PS - strange talk at dinner of stepson's partner wanting me to join the Book of Face so she can talk to me!!! Um why not phone me.......!! The FW said she was a shitstirrer, why would he say that, and why would she want to talk to me, we are not exactly BFF. Curious I am.
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