bad day
it is hard to unpack the shopping and unload the washing machine whilst your throat and chest are tight and tears are dripping off your nose
christmas is looming and i want to put it off
i cannot write a card
i cannot buy or make a gift
i cannot prepare the house
however hard i try
i sit and stare, my head getting lower
but i don't want family to notice
i hope this will pass
Friday, 23 November 2012
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Just a quickie.......
Today I phoned daughter's school. They are failing her examwise. It is a total fuck up. Hoping to meet with a 'Learning Leader'. That'll be a form tutor then. Her school has 'communities' rather than forms. These communities include all the ages which is a Good Thing. Her targets and achievements are in the As and Bs, but the exam marking is C and D. I am furious. She works very hard and is brighter than her brothers at the same age. But she will not achieve the grades that she is expecting to because of the poxy exam fuckup marking. I want to scream.
I am counting the days til school is over. After 21 years of watching the political involvement in education ie league tables, school changes (to academy) and the introduction of the English Baccalaureate, (apparently the next year will be ok because the school is 'practising' on this year's kids. grrr) I have had enough.
I have written a letter to Michael Gove but will send it tomorrow after I have read it again.
Not that it will make any difference except to make me feel better. (Another government minister being ranted at by a middle aged woman lol).
The cat is watching underneat the cooker and adjoining cupboards verrrry carefully, gulp!
The dog is hesitating about jumping up on to the sofa, he is usually very nimble oh dear.
A bientot my chickens, tomorrow is another day x
I am counting the days til school is over. After 21 years of watching the political involvement in education ie league tables, school changes (to academy) and the introduction of the English Baccalaureate, (apparently the next year will be ok because the school is 'practising' on this year's kids. grrr) I have had enough.
I have written a letter to Michael Gove but will send it tomorrow after I have read it again.
Not that it will make any difference except to make me feel better. (Another government minister being ranted at by a middle aged woman lol).
The cat is watching underneat the cooker and adjoining cupboards verrrry carefully, gulp!
The dog is hesitating about jumping up on to the sofa, he is usually very nimble oh dear.
A bientot my chickens, tomorrow is another day x
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
With a little help....
This evening I did something rather clever...
with help from a sooper dooper bloggy type 'diamond' person, I made some changes to my page.
I look 'real' now.
Go me.
x
PS I don't want to sound too sad and desperate but if you are in any way, y'know not busy like, you could maybe press ma button........y'know if ya feel like it......yes, no, yes?
with help from a sooper dooper bloggy type 'diamond' person, I made some changes to my page.
I look 'real' now.
Go me.
x
PS I don't want to sound too sad and desperate but if you are in any way, y'know not busy like, you could maybe press ma button........y'know if ya feel like it......yes, no, yes?
Monday, 19 November 2012
Belittled..........
which is not difficult to feel when you are 4' 10", petite, slightly overweight and get trampled on in supermarkets etc in spite of wearing a Bright Red Coat.
Just lately, though, there have been a few instances/comments/mentions/occurrences where I have felt small, invisible, worthless, useless, overbearing (if that is possible), and just downright rubbish.
This is a pityfest I am afraid, so if you are looking for the 'isn't life wonderful' blog you ain't gonna find it here. I do have moments of 'nice' though they are indeed only moments.
Middle son's GF has not stayed to a meal for 2 weekends now, the last time she was here I was a little stressed and later on said to son that I did not appreciate an audience whilst I was cooking (which I hate doing anyway), knowing him he passed that on bluntly. Even though The FW was also in the audience!
I find that when there are people in the room I make mistakes, drop things, in other words turn into a complete moron. I am not a great cook, I do what I have to within the budget, mood, different tastes of those involved. Eldest son and I would be content with something on toast, The FW wants gourmet, daughter would eat chinese style noodles all the live long day and middle son likes everything except jam, beans, mash, bananas, custard, hot puddings, tea, coffee, etc *sigh*. In the days when we used to eat out occasionally someone was always unhappy/hungry.
Now I know there are people who will say those old chestnuts like: don't give an alternative, they will eat when hungry: when I was a kid we ate everything or starve: mollycoddling blah blah.....
....well when I was a child my mum (a great cook) made one meal for everyone and my memories of those times are very difficult - my oldest friend remembers these time as well - in doing what he thought was best my dad (love him) used to force feed me and then smack me when I threw up. I vowed I would eat only what I wanted (why shouldn't I, everyone else does) and when I wanted. I truly hate 'dinner time'.
I have conformed inasmuch as we eat at the table at the same time for evening meals/sunday lunch. but everyone makes their own breakfast and lunch, at different times to suit their day so I am constantly clearing up. A pain in the a*se but it is my choice to not be tied to the bread board. I also made a point of sitting at the table when the children were small, with food, and I ate it, then later when they were older and established I would sit with a cup of tea and chat/cut food/encourage to eat etc. Now I usually start clearing up or feed the animals, make the packed lunch for daughter, stuff like that. I do sit down for sunday lunch still, even with a small plate.
I have found through my travels in life there are others that have 'selective diets' like me and don't make food for their families at all, I do and it is still not good enough.
Now here's the thing, I mentioned the 'constant clearing up' on the phone to BF some time ago and again recently. There was no-one in the room so how does The FW know what I said and why. This very thing came up this morning, how does he know this? There are often snippets of conversations that get mentioned and I wonder if I am being paranoid or, or, is there something else going on? He is all the way down the garden in his cabin ffs.
Middle son now has job that is 'rotational' so is often out for dinner including weekends, but it often changes so I don't know where I am budget-wise, portion-wise or ideas-wise at the moment.
Dear daughter decided to spend most of this last weekend with friends after a week of slightly heightened emotions, I do wonder what is being said about me, her father has always denigrated me to people who do not know me and I wonder if she is doing the same. I fear so, and it makes me sad.
I feel that I must be a horrible person because of this even though there are friends and semi-relations that I do not see as often who think I am great, give me hugs and wonder how I am still standing with all the horrid stuff I have had to deal with.
I hardly speak to BF anymore unless I phone her, and then feel I guilty when I hear about the lots of crap (some self-inflicted) she has had to cope with, even though she does not phone me at the time.
What should I do; pretend, put a face on and give my all to everyone else, again or should I be quiet, not speak for fear of upsetting anyone and just get on with it. This is something I have done for twentysomething years, there must come a time when I matter, how I feel and could I maybe have some consideration please?
Sorry about the big long wordy post, this has been simmering for a few days and has taken all morning dipping in and out. May I offer a cuppa and a kitkat as compensation? I might try and add pics soon just to take the pain away.
PS: The FW was NEVER around for breakfast when they were small (too full from previous night's beer and takeaway) and used to complain at dinnertimes that they behaved badly. I knew from eating with other families that my children were well behaved but because they weren't 1950's rigid like his family he did not like this and didn't want to eat with them in the evening. He wanted me to feed them at 4, put them to bed at 6 and then give all my attention to him before he went to the pub. He also never 'did' the whole bedtime routine either, even though his mum was a kind, caring, proper bedtime cuddles type mum.
NOTE: I have just realised some of my anger is that he was 'disassociated' with the children when small and needed care, but now they are adults (one nearly) he wants their company and likes to show off his 'trophy' daughter, (you know the third child he didn't want!). It hurts because I know the truth and cannot tell them and although I know it is a good thing that they have a good relationship with their father I am sure he will let them down at some point.
Also how do I tell middle, honest-to-the-point-of-bluntness, son not to let his father know how much he earns ?
Just lately, though, there have been a few instances/comments/mentions/occurrences where I have felt small, invisible, worthless, useless, overbearing (if that is possible), and just downright rubbish.
This is a pityfest I am afraid, so if you are looking for the 'isn't life wonderful' blog you ain't gonna find it here. I do have moments of 'nice' though they are indeed only moments.
Middle son's GF has not stayed to a meal for 2 weekends now, the last time she was here I was a little stressed and later on said to son that I did not appreciate an audience whilst I was cooking (which I hate doing anyway), knowing him he passed that on bluntly. Even though The FW was also in the audience!
I find that when there are people in the room I make mistakes, drop things, in other words turn into a complete moron. I am not a great cook, I do what I have to within the budget, mood, different tastes of those involved. Eldest son and I would be content with something on toast, The FW wants gourmet, daughter would eat chinese style noodles all the live long day and middle son likes everything except jam, beans, mash, bananas, custard, hot puddings, tea, coffee, etc *sigh*. In the days when we used to eat out occasionally someone was always unhappy/hungry.
Now I know there are people who will say those old chestnuts like: don't give an alternative, they will eat when hungry: when I was a kid we ate everything or starve: mollycoddling blah blah.....
....well when I was a child my mum (a great cook) made one meal for everyone and my memories of those times are very difficult - my oldest friend remembers these time as well - in doing what he thought was best my dad (love him) used to force feed me and then smack me when I threw up. I vowed I would eat only what I wanted (why shouldn't I, everyone else does) and when I wanted. I truly hate 'dinner time'.
I have conformed inasmuch as we eat at the table at the same time for evening meals/sunday lunch. but everyone makes their own breakfast and lunch, at different times to suit their day so I am constantly clearing up. A pain in the a*se but it is my choice to not be tied to the bread board. I also made a point of sitting at the table when the children were small, with food, and I ate it, then later when they were older and established I would sit with a cup of tea and chat/cut food/encourage to eat etc. Now I usually start clearing up or feed the animals, make the packed lunch for daughter, stuff like that. I do sit down for sunday lunch still, even with a small plate.
I have found through my travels in life there are others that have 'selective diets' like me and don't make food for their families at all, I do and it is still not good enough.
Now here's the thing, I mentioned the 'constant clearing up' on the phone to BF some time ago and again recently. There was no-one in the room so how does The FW know what I said and why. This very thing came up this morning, how does he know this? There are often snippets of conversations that get mentioned and I wonder if I am being paranoid or, or, is there something else going on? He is all the way down the garden in his cabin ffs.
Middle son now has job that is 'rotational' so is often out for dinner including weekends, but it often changes so I don't know where I am budget-wise, portion-wise or ideas-wise at the moment.
Dear daughter decided to spend most of this last weekend with friends after a week of slightly heightened emotions, I do wonder what is being said about me, her father has always denigrated me to people who do not know me and I wonder if she is doing the same. I fear so, and it makes me sad.
I feel that I must be a horrible person because of this even though there are friends and semi-relations that I do not see as often who think I am great, give me hugs and wonder how I am still standing with all the horrid stuff I have had to deal with.
I hardly speak to BF anymore unless I phone her, and then feel I guilty when I hear about the lots of crap (some self-inflicted) she has had to cope with, even though she does not phone me at the time.
What should I do; pretend, put a face on and give my all to everyone else, again or should I be quiet, not speak for fear of upsetting anyone and just get on with it. This is something I have done for twentysomething years, there must come a time when I matter, how I feel and could I maybe have some consideration please?
Sorry about the big long wordy post, this has been simmering for a few days and has taken all morning dipping in and out. May I offer a cuppa and a kitkat as compensation? I might try and add pics soon just to take the pain away.
PS: The FW was NEVER around for breakfast when they were small (too full from previous night's beer and takeaway) and used to complain at dinnertimes that they behaved badly. I knew from eating with other families that my children were well behaved but because they weren't 1950's rigid like his family he did not like this and didn't want to eat with them in the evening. He wanted me to feed them at 4, put them to bed at 6 and then give all my attention to him before he went to the pub. He also never 'did' the whole bedtime routine either, even though his mum was a kind, caring, proper bedtime cuddles type mum.
NOTE: I have just realised some of my anger is that he was 'disassociated' with the children when small and needed care, but now they are adults (one nearly) he wants their company and likes to show off his 'trophy' daughter, (you know the third child he didn't want!). It hurts because I know the truth and cannot tell them and although I know it is a good thing that they have a good relationship with their father I am sure he will let them down at some point.
Also how do I tell middle, honest-to-the-point-of-bluntness, son not to let his father know how much he earns ?
Thursday, 15 November 2012
AAAAAAAAAAAA
The A came back, look!!
But not before it locked me out of my online banking......FFS!
I have no clue what happened, there is no dirt on my laptop and I haven't spilled anything.
Maybe it was the 'evil pixie' that sits on my shoulder (my BF has the 'shit fairy' so I am not a wierdo, just so's you know).
Today I will phone the BF to see how she got on yesterday, with only a slight touch of guilt, had she reminded me I would have gone with her, but the last we spoke of this appointment in a vague fashion was 2/3 weeks ago.
Also the dreaded Asda shop, on a Thursday too, what a fool I am!
See ya later
x
PS why does the red banner keep coming up saying "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again. Ignore warning''. It disappears when I press the save button.
But not before it locked me out of my online banking......FFS!
I have no clue what happened, there is no dirt on my laptop and I haven't spilled anything.
Maybe it was the 'evil pixie' that sits on my shoulder (my BF has the 'shit fairy' so I am not a wierdo, just so's you know).
Today I will phone the BF to see how she got on yesterday, with only a slight touch of guilt, had she reminded me I would have gone with her, but the last we spoke of this appointment in a vague fashion was 2/3 weeks ago.
Also the dreaded Asda shop, on a Thursday too, what a fool I am!
See ya later
x
PS why does the red banner keep coming up saying "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again. Ignore warning''. It disappears when I press the save button.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
'Ere guess wot...
Y'know yesterd@y when I s@id I w@sn't going to put petrol in the c@r? Well I only bloody h@d to didn't I! This is wh@t h@ppened - on finding out I was going into town he g@ve me his credit c@rd @nd number @nd s@id to put £30 in @s he w@s going to see FiL @nd go get supplies for his new venture (m@king model r@ilw@y trees, doing quite well too) but guess wh@t the bloody number w@s wrong and there w@s @ huge queue @nd the petrol h@d been pumped, so it went on my c@rd grrrrrr. Yesterd@y he put £30 in v@n cos he c@n drive th@t when the c@r is empty, I c@n't, its sh@nks's pony for me. Bumholes.
Oh tomorrow I will be going round old friends for get together, c@ke etc but I won't be going to the Horder Centre Crowborough with BF for her consult@nts @ppointment, cr@psie, I forgot @nd she didn't remind me either hmmm. I usu@lly go to these to cheer her up @nd keep her going. We used to l@ugh like two old cr@zee l@ydees
ps c@n you guess which letter isn't working too well on l*ptop, I feel like @ Ronnie B*rker sketch!! *grin*
NB Ronnie B@rker of The Two Ronnies comedy show, he used to do sketches using wordpl@y ie "four c@ndles", look it up, it's re@lly funny!
Night x
Oh tomorrow I will be going round old friends for get together, c@ke etc but I won't be going to the Horder Centre Crowborough with BF for her consult@nts @ppointment, cr@psie, I forgot @nd she didn't remind me either hmmm. I usu@lly go to these to cheer her up @nd keep her going. We used to l@ugh like two old cr@zee l@ydees
ps c@n you guess which letter isn't working too well on l*ptop, I feel like @ Ronnie B*rker sketch!! *grin*
NB Ronnie B@rker of The Two Ronnies comedy show, he used to do sketches using wordpl@y ie "four c@ndles", look it up, it's re@lly funny!
Night x
Monday, 12 November 2012
Well, today I..
...did some cleaning, using Mrs Thrifty's recipe for home made sprays, and they worked a treat
...finished daughter's fingerless gloves (adding a ladybird button) after several frogging sessions. It was a shit pattern but I got there in the end. Now finishing another pair for daughter's friend. Then must do some more X*** stuff.
...faffed around
...didn't phone BF though I thought about it
So a not quite unproductive day.
Tomorrow's plan is
1) to walk in to town (long walk there up and down hills) to get hair cut, buy bugs for son's lizardy thing, library etc
2) not put petrol in car*
3) not go and visit FiL
4) do online asda shop for the heavy stuff.
*I only use car to go to supermarket, and occasionally collect daughter from friend's house and, because I do not have any spare cash to put petrol in it. As The FW goes up pub every night which is in next-but-one village, he can put petrol in the damn thing, it's always bloody empty!
...finished daughter's fingerless gloves (adding a ladybird button) after several frogging sessions. It was a shit pattern but I got there in the end. Now finishing another pair for daughter's friend. Then must do some more X*** stuff.
...faffed around
...didn't phone BF though I thought about it
So a not quite unproductive day.
Tomorrow's plan is
1) to walk in to town (long walk there up and down hills) to get hair cut, buy bugs for son's lizardy thing, library etc
2) not put petrol in car*
3) not go and visit FiL
4) do online asda shop for the heavy stuff.
*I only use car to go to supermarket, and occasionally collect daughter from friend's house and, because I do not have any spare cash to put petrol in it. As The FW goes up pub every night which is in next-but-one village, he can put petrol in the damn thing, it's always bloody empty!
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