Happy New Year Everyone!

See you on the other side.
xx

The Half-hearted Post

Even though there is stuff to say, I am struggling to find the words. 

Daughter is fine, finer than fine I should say.  Which is good.  For myself I am still feeling a bit flat.  Not as bad as the worst times, but still a little low.

Considering the stress and negative mood of Christmas Eve and Day in the kitchen, this is not surprising.

There was some aggressive body language and facial expressions.  I have not experienced this before.  It took me a moment to realise what they were.  After these moments it was falsely calm and careful words were spoken to me, as if he was trying to gloss over it.  I ended up by just letting him do what he wanted, use what he liked without guiding him to the right utensils, or what I would normally do the other 364 days of the year.  He will not ask where things are or what is the easiest item to use for each task.  And makes a hideous mess!

He took over my kitchen and the most of the food prep.  Which in normal households is a good thing.  But it was concerning me about his attitude with raw chicken (considering he will use a new water glass every time he takes tablets in case a fly walks round the rim, using between 4 and 6 a day), I was sanitising frequently when he left raw chicken to defrost on a flat board and the juices ran on the worktop, then he moved it around dripping on the floor, then wiped the blade he used to cut with on plain paper towels.  And got really cross with me because I kept wiping round with antibacterial spray.

I spent most of Christmas Day in the kitchen.  (We ate later than normal because son worked til 3).  Although he did a lot of prep and cooking I still did a lot.  Then he and my younger brother went to pub for about a short while.  He hasn't done that since 1985.  After dinner the clearing up took ages.   It all felt awkward as if I was an interloper in my own kitchen.

Niece and her boyfriend (a lovely, loyal young man) came round Christmas Eve just after one experience and I was still a bit shaken.  I told her of my feelings around her mum, that I felt I was losing her and she reassured me strongly that it was not so, that her mum thought and spoke of me.  I was glad because she has been in my life 32 years.  I  broke down a little and we had a cuddle.  My niece has never seen me like that even in the worst times, I think she was a little unnerved by it.  I also spoke of my concern for her brother and my impression that he may be 'self medicating'.  I regretted saying it though.

He is also miffed because although he and daughter do not want to see The Hobbit, it is middle son's birthday (24) tomorrow and he wants to go to pictures (which is how we have spent his birthday for the last 10 years) he says that they are being excluded from son's birthday, even though we will all have breakfast and present (few though they are) opening time together, then later on birthday cake before the pics.  My younger brother is driving us to pics because he wants to see the film and we may have a quick MaccyD's after.  To keep the peace I may suggest seeing if there is another film on at the same time.

It almost feels like although he doesn't want to see the film, we should not be going out without him, even though he has started taking daughter out to pub without talking to me about it first.  The first I hear is when she appears at the tv room door at 9pm saying "is dad ready yet"!  Double standards.

In the days of money, we used to see a film, then have a meal after, The FW used to pay (and then slyly mention how much it cost, which for the five of us was a lot), and there was a couple of times at least when would say "and who is paying for this", to which I would reply "well if you're not, then I am", and he would either let me and 'forget' to repay me after or just resolutely watch me get the credit card out, even though he was earning and I wasn't at the time.

In this instance I have booked the tickets online and the kids have said they will pay for their tickets, but, you know, I feel bad taking their money.  I am telling myself that birthday son should not have to pay, the girlfriend only got a token xmas present even though she gave us all gifts, so shouldn't really pay, and brother is driving us there so really only eldest son (student ticket) really should pay up.  I can't really afford it but have been hedging when they ask how much to give me. 

(You know all this stuff is what I would talk about with BF on the phone but we don't chat much now and he listens in anyway.  Which is sometimes useful when I want him to get the message about something).

So, just get through tomorrow, which will feel as if it is all about him and not son, then I have a few weeks before it is The FW's birthday which will be awkward what with birthday card/present etc.

Thanks for listening, my friends,
x

Hi there

I hope everyone has had a lovely day.

Tomorrow I may write about today and yesterday.

I truly appreciate everyone who reads this  and I would like to say hello to my two new followers, Carol and Pretty vintage roses.

I am doubting myself and am concerned about bumming people out with my whimpering.  On the other hand it brings some relief to my worrisome head.

My daughter is happy and light and free.  I am thankful for this.

The day is nearly over.

I am glad.

x

Well, I am obliged to say

A Very Merry Christmas to One and All

but without being pooky about it, what I really mean is, have the very best Christmas you can have under the circumstances.

It is an awful shame but I know there are happy families, with brilliant annual traditions and the marvellous shops and the wherewithal to purchase marvellous things in the aforementioned marvellous shops and the absolutely wonderful family and friend get-togethers and a jolly mince pie is being had by all. 

But......

I am being a total grumpypants (and I have joked with a friend or two and apologised to my children (one of whom has flu) about being a grumpypants but having no money and living in a shit town, being married to a total fuckwit is a grind.

An old friend who I have known for 40 years popped by yesterday and said well at least you are not in a wheelchair or drooling, your life isn't so bad, so, I told her about the latest shite and shocked her.  Yep, ain't I a bitch.

I went to bed before 10 with ideas to write about having a 'good enough' Christmas and slipped into reading Yarn Harlot (I went to the very beginning in 2004!!!) then got dozy and switched off, and watched Victoria Wood documentary and fell asleep and woke up when The FW, eldest and daughter came home from pub (I'll try and remember to tell about that), and so then I was awake at 2am with these words buzzing and knew I had to let them out.

I am pretty sure that at some point people are not gonna want to read about my mumblings and grumblings when a) there are far worse situations in this world and b) don't drag down the Happys, they don't deserve it.

I see the adverts/read the annual church service leaflet and have blessed thoughts about attending, knowing I will be too busy/exhausted to go/and listen and read about normal people (mentioned above), knowing that our greater family are getting together and having happy times and we are not invited. 

I have never eaten dinner on Christmay Day that I have not cooked myself since I left home 30 years ago.  The FW's family have shared Christmas and summer holidays and birthdays and weddings etc and we are not welcome or at best tolerated when they can't get away with leaving us out.  Which begs the question, are we horrible people? 

Well, no, actually.  My children are praised by all who know them and yet The FW's family barely realise this.  My friends love me because I make them laugh and I listen, really listen to them when they talk and I always offer consolation, praise and uplifting words when needed.  Again The FW's family dislike me so much they are not aware and when I try to offer words when they tell me their bad stuff (which is about 1% on the Scale of Bad) they reject them and seem offended.  Which I truly cannot fathom out.  And as for being funny they really, really don't get the wordplay and comedy asides at all.  But they laugh uproariously at their own loud, longwinded commentary.  And,  (this drives me batshit) they overtalk you when in conversation, as if I am not speaking or that their stuff is far more relevant. 

In the past I have been aware I am gauche and am made to feel badly brought up but, you know I have realised they are far more badly behaved, like commenting loudly at the dinner table about how much salt (I know) I use which makes me put my knife and fork down and not eat another bite.  And the loud overtalking.  Yes they are a largish family but my my parents had 5 of us (4 for them) and we never tried to outdo each other in conversation (at the table or not).

I manage every time to make a faux pas, however slight or misunderstood and know that will be taken as a deliberate offence.  It is as if they set out to wrong-foot me and hold back information so that I make a mistake.

I have an amazing capacity for inducing hatred in women who do not know me.  The evil scowl the neighbour throws my way (even while she is speaking tenderly to grandchild).  Only once in the 13 years we have lived here have I spoken up (10 years in) when she was badly aggravating my dog, apart from that nothing.  When I realised early on that they hated us I decided to turn the other cheek and take in their parcels, speak politely when necessary, but still, the force of the glare is disturbing.

Truly, dear readers, I apologise for the heavy stuff I have just laid on you (and still no pics!) at this light, happy time of year.

I have a wish for Christmas, please if you are listening, you who dish out the Lovely and Pretty and Happy, could I please have a teeny bit for a little while.  I would pass it on and write happy, uplifting, smiley words.

Thank you for listening.

Blessings for a Good New Year to everyone.
x

Christmas Crackered!

I am already in bed and hopefully will sleep soon.

The meeting with the Head of Community (it's a big school) was ok.  On the one hand they want to cover their arse as daughter has made a Disclosure, on the other hand the advice from social services is that because it is historical they probably won't do anything about it (although I understand the police would be interested) so we have all agreed to leave it to her. 

She seems so much brighter since she has shed this burden and we all agree that this may be enough, that to make a big issue of it could have bigger consequences.  Of course the thought that the person could still be doing this (he is now 25, one year younger that our eldest son) is a worry, but I have to think of my child and her life, which of course is selfish of me, but she is my light and joy.  She is beautiful, bright, artistic, funny, full of laughter and a total teenager!

We have managed (after one false start when the Asda car park was totally rammo, so we left and tried a couple of hours later) to do the main shop for Christmas and guess what people.....The FW paid!  Zippadeedoodah doodahday!!

After some vacuuming, washing, putting shopping away and trying to ram it all in fridge/freezer, and quite a bit of gifty crochet (for which I am now crosseyed after making and stitching on eyes!!) I have that headachy/buzzy feeling you get when you have been crazymadbusy achieving what seems like nothing.

I am already thinking about the crochet I will do (probably Christmas Day afternoon lol) as I have been asked to make some things by a couple of friends and I am looking forward to that when they have chosen the yarn.  So I will finish the small projects that are loitering in various boxes/bags and try to tidy as I go.

The next couple of days will be spent cleaning the house a little and on Sunday there will be the trip to the cemetery as it is my dad's anniversary on the 23rd.  After that I start to feel a bit more festive (hopefully!)  Unfortunately the grave is a bit scruffy and needs attention and I hope that next year I will feel better and do something about it, though there is no guarantee of this. 

The bedroom looks like a bombsite and I have lowered the ironing board so that I can use it as a giftwrapping and worktable, while the pile of ironing sits patiently by.

The house will not be a clean or superorganised as it always used to be and at the moment I am not that bothered, but I may be by about 11pm Christmas Eve, at which time I will want to sit and watch Carols at Kings or somesuch programme.

Goodnight my darlings, sleep well........
x

The FW has new clothes

Yep, about a hundred and twenty quids worth.  
Tosser.

Feeling a tiny bit relieved....

simply because we know who and we know how much.

It was not the worst, but it is still bad enough because of the age of daughter at the time.  3 1/2.  Twelve years have gone by.  Twelve years we have had to go back.  To remember who was here and how long for.  The circumstances of each and the way they left us.  Someone is at fault.  The agency who placed someone in our home that should not have been here.  They knew.  And did not tell us.

Daughter is ok.  Is probably relieved that the something that has troubled her, caused her early teenage emotional problems, caused the cutting, is finally out.

In the course of this I have had to tell my children that I was raped by someone older and consequently suffered a miscarriage at age 16.  This is something I thought I would never have to speak about.  My mother gave me no succour or sympathy because I did not tell her of the rape.  It was the 70s - a whole different ethos.

Her father and I are relieved that it was not the worst.  That would have finished me.

I want to leave this house.  We, I, have not been happy since we moved here in 1999.  We have had problems with water, of all types, be it leaking showers, the pond, the fish tank, my water retention (mainly in my head, no joke), leaking roofs, hot water cylinders, kettles, you name it if water is involved then it has been a problem.  I am trying to remember a clairvoyant telling me something about water probably 15 or so years ago, but I can't remember the details. 

This is a nice house, a desirable home for someone, but not us, clearly.

So, now, it is counselling, social workers, etc etc.  We will be taking this further with the agency.  That will not involve daughter, that is for us, we need someone to know what they have done to our child, to us, to our family.  Bastards.

x

Thank you, dear friends

for your kind messages. 
You managed to raise a weak, watery smile on this little face. 
Tomorrow is going to be one of those days that will have to be endured.

When the Rihanna song 'Diamonds' played on the radio this morning I had a mini breakdown but now (as usually happens in difficult situations) I am upright and stoic. 

Then the song with the lines -

"I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw, keep the vampire from your door, when the chips are down, I'll be around, with my undying, death defying love for you"

These will stay in my memory.

I will try to write, dependent on the situation.

Love
Susan x
 

About friends........

BF popped round, what's that you say, popped round?  The first time this year (except on Bday in June) and I was desperately hoping for some productive time and there was a ding dong and there she was.  Oh and just to add to the discombobulatingness of it all The FW was in the kitchen at the time and guess what he stayed, yes my friend, he stayed to join in the conversation......(he hates her)....... but still he stayed instead of doing his usual disappearing act down to the cabin in the garden.  And then - and then he fell asleep in the chair and started snoring - what the f...  So we went into the sitting room and chatted more, it is plain we have less and less in common, but still.  Apparently she came round to see if I wanted to pop up to the local posh tea room/gifty shop type place.  Really.  No, says I for I have not showered today and look like a Gom.  Truly I do not appreciate it when people pop round unannounced and expect me to be available when the thought strikes them. When we spoke on the phone yesterday she said we must go out somewhere, maybe next week, which I think might be nice depending on how stressed busy I am and how much I achieve this week, but I now have lost half a day pah! 

We have not been out anywhere since  Spring, we went to the next town over where it is nice, you see, and now she goes to lovely places with boy(sorry)man friend).  We used to go everywhere all the time and we laughed and laughed til we cried.  Then the fun places stopped and it was hospital/doctor/consultant/mri etc etc and I didn't mind because she is my friend and we laughed our way through the horrid places.  And then........last year it was a new friend (who she was helping through a difficult marriage then break up then new life) that she went to the nice places with (oh) whilst I stayed at home and then she met the new bloke and that was it, up to Wolverhampton every weekend and then coming home and saying how nice the new people were and how much they liked her (Y we like you so much you must come and live up here) and what lovely places they went and how much I would like those  places. Really. 

Anyhoo, she is now talking of going there to live and her daughter wants to go the college there, so in about 6-9 months I reckon she'll be off and my daughter will lose her best and oldest friend too.  It was interesting to note that she said about missing family, whereas with the last boy/man friend who lived in Durham she said she definitely would not move there as she would miss friends/family too much.

Maybe it is a Catch22 situation.  I have distanced myself because
a) the onesidedness of our friendship,
b) my depression (which she barely acknowledges despite my mentioning it),
c)  I knew last year that things would change because she has had her first grandchild that she looks after 1 1/2 days a week despite her poor health and her mother's health has deteriorated a bit,
d) I was beginning to feel that the agenda was always hers, when, where etc.  There is a lot of impetuosity about her life whereas I have to plan a bit because I have other people to consider and that it was becoming a bit difficult to deal with the after-effects of the random days out etc. Plus I have no pence to go out with. 

So maybe she is distancing from me because I am not phoning every day and we have less and less to talk about because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and I have nothing to talk about because a) I go nowhere, b) I do things she has no interest in at all, like crochet/yarn/colours/patterns and yet I have to listen to her talking for 55 mins in the allotted phone hour about who she has seen and the music etc (her boyfriend is a radio station manager and dj and has access to music venues etc.  I may get 3/4 mins chat about MiL going into hospital/care home or FiL breaking his ribs etc. 

I do not phone on Fridays because she is either getting ready to go to Wolverhampton or left Thursday night.  I do not phone on Wednesday/Thursday because she looks after baby who is a busy boy.  I do not phone at weekends because she is away or he is down here.  I do not phone on Monday because she is exhausted after the travelling etc and needs to sleep.  So that leaves Tuesday and that is when I phone.  She does not phone me.  Partly because The FW listens in on our phonecalls (more of that another time) and partly because she does not think to.

I feel that she is paying lip service to me and it hurts because we have been friends for 10 years and have been through some really difficult times together.  But I have come to realise that it is a one way street.  Which freaks me out a little because that is the relationship I had with The FW before I called time on it.  The fact that my best friend and husband have the same selfish qualities.  That and the fact that they both injured their backs in the same lumbar area on the same day (nothing funny I promise).

So in one year I 'lose' my mother in law, my sister in law and my best friend, the three closest females in my life who have known me so long and so well.  I am grieved.

Good night, my virtual friends, good night.
x

PS - Oh yes, the cat decided she must kill the evil Christmas cards whilst I am writing them, such fun, and the dog is in pain in his back legs, struggling up the stairs (oh blimey we can't afford the vet) but then he is 9 years old and a little dog and so he is an old man now, sigh.

Well, I was going to...........

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Creeping into Christmas.....

okay I give in,
I have written a few cards
thought about perhaps ordering some stuff (hey it's only the 8th, it'll be fine)
seen the decs being put up (I just tidy up after and provide snacks during)

The blanket of loveliness has only a few (hah) ends to weave in.  There will be no blocking until it is washed at some point in the future, probably in the Spring lol.

The decs went up quite peacefully, but with an absence of chrimbo music because all the christmas cds have disappeared, all of them. I can't remember whether The FW took them up the pub, left them there, then forgot he left them there.  We had loads of all types, Foster and Allen included (gurn).

The FW was a little prickly and was trying hard not to be, daughter's friend-who-is-a-boy came round.  He is nice and likes Strictly (hmmm).  At first The FW  said "who's the bloke".  "He is not a bloke, he is a boy, it is daughter's friend".  (The one that you said you thought was her boyfriend, not that you minded she had a boyfriend. The very fact that you said that shows that you do indeed mind you dick).  Why do all fathers revert back to their predatory teenage selves when their own daughters have boyfriends (also men of a certain age do not believe that girls can have friends who are boys!)

Anyway, boring on...

Me and the daughter went to a christmas craft fayre in town.  Surprisingly it was very good and quite busy.  (I did notice that some stuff from blogland was being sold there, is that allowed, should I have said something?.  It felt odd seeing Lucy's wreath and some familiar owls in the flesh as it were).  The thing is my crochet is better than some I saw there.  The FW says I should sell my stuff but I know that everything I do I have seen online, and I know that I could not do that.  I do give stuff as gifts, patterns and tutorials I have made, etc, but it would not be right to sell it.

I saw an old artistic friend there, she is lovely and her son is the same age range as my two.  We chatted for ages and she fell in love with daughter.  She is starting up a 'save our high street' campaign and is getting a shop front for a while.  I offered to do the office work (this is voluntary stuff) because that is my bag, you know filing cabinets and all that.  It will be a bit scary but I would like to do that, I need to get out the house.  I hope that my frame of mind is good when I am needed.

Also the wool shop down the road (not the greatest selection in the land, but the only wool shop in the village) is quite friendly and I have been chatting with one of the ladies there and she said come in, bring your work and we can chat.  Probably because I make her laugh.  I think I need to persuade them to stock stylecraft, that would be heaven.  It would be nice to have friends with the same interests as I have.

There is one of the mums from daughter's old primary school that I still see now and again and I did promise to teach her to crochet, that was about 8 months ago.  I will send a christmas card and write that I haven't forgotten if she is still interested, that will be another thing to get me out of the house.  Oooh I sound quite busy, don't I. 

I hope and wish that I can do this stuff, I have been in limbo for about 3 years and there are times when I lay in bed and regret that time is slipping through my fingers.  Sometimes when waiting to sleep I try to think positive thoughts about how I would like life to be, fulfilling and useful, happy and productive.  Not stressful and  stagnant like it is now.

My mood is not too bad at the moment, things are achievable as long as I don't worry about the deadline of the 25th.  We wish you a merry blah blah bah humbugger!

Hello Isabelle, it is lovely to see you.

Night night everyone xPS - The FW has an upset stomach, could it be the 'free' curry he went out for last night, oh I do hope so. (did I hear someone call me a bitch just then?)


Added this morning - This should have been posted last night, is Blogger playing up!?!? 

A bit tired........

I won't write heaps tonight as I am a bit cream crackered.

I have made a space for the crimbo tree, vacuumed and dusted and tidied and wiped and put away.

It is not exactly a deep clean, more like a cat lick.  But it will do.

My hands are very cracked and sore.

Tomorrow I will hurt. 

x

christmas decking......

It seems that on Saturday the decs are going up.  This is not my job, or decision.  I will need to join the yuman race on Fri eve as son's GF will be coming round before he comes home from work, (9am-9pm, which is a lie-in for him as he has had 7.30 starts this week).  I am not doing dinner because The FW has been asked out for another free(?!) curry, so it will chips from the chippy.

Then on Saturday we are to be honoured with a visit from daughter's friend who is a boy.  He absolutely adores her, but I don't know if he is a boyfriend or a friend who is a boy.  So, I will clean and tidy in prep for decs (The FW always goes overboard but whateverrr) and on Sat after the big brekkie and hopefully a pop in to the little christmas craft fayre in the hideous town hall, I will visit the spiffingly gorjuss 99p shop for nibbly, treaty snacky bits.  And we will put the xmas cds on and they will decorate.  (There will have to be some furniture moving and the coffee table that is totally covered with half-started and abandoned work in progress xmas crochet gifty stuff will definitely need to be cleared.  On a positive note the Blanket of Loveliness is at the edge of The Edge, huzzah!

The FW keeps lying to me ie, he said that middle son asked whether we are getting the christmas village out this year.  (I have asked not to for two years as it goes in the large window sill at the front of the house that the little doggie likes to sit on and I have to spend the day rescuing it and stopping him from being in the place he likes bestinalltheworld).  This lovely little village has turned into a city of mexican proportions 'cos The FW gets obssessed with a new interest and does not have the Stop gene.  Anyhoo, I asked MS and guess what, oh you already guessed, he said no, not me I haven't asked.  Jeez, does he think I am not going to find that simple lie out ffs.  Not to mention the amount of free curries he has been randomly asked to.  Lie one, he is the instigator of the meals out and n

Also a dilemma, The FW listens in on my phone calls whatever they are, a chat with the learning leader or Eldest son saying what time he will be home, and he doesn't always let me know he is on the line, (I know he always is).  So here's the thing, last night the phone rang once then stopped.  I do not answer phone in evening as it is almost never for me.  I did not think anything of it until this afternoon The FW said that it was daughter on line to the friend who is a boy and was crying about something another girl said.  The FW said that the FWIAB was very kind and saying nice things etc.  So he is reassured that this person is a Good Person for our daughter to be around.  Or words to that effect.  Ohhhkay, do I mention to daughter that her father listened in on a phone call, hmmm, or not because she does not want to hear anything negative about him, and she would be incredibly upset and embarrassed.  ES told me that when he went in daughter's room whilst she was on phone she was happy and smiling.  So, another lie from The FW.

I have to say he has lied and lied and lied again, I am used to this.  It is very childlike, the lies are easily discovered and completely obvious.  He thinks he has one up on me, but in fact I have one up on him because I know he has lied but he does not realise that I know.... y'know.  I do not challenge him because he will get cross and then suddenly, as if by magic, that lie becomes the truth in his own mind and he will insist that whatever it is, is true (usually there is a teeny tiny kernel of truth in it) and because I doubt myself, he will win the argument (or in fact I give in) because I do not like confrontations even if I am in the right.  So I let him get away with it at the time then some time later I will 'mention' the correct facts and he will look at me and I can see him wondering, and I have to turn away to hide my smiles.  I am such a bitch, no?

It is peedling down outside so I am going to go to sleep soothed by the sound of the rain, it is very comforting being all cosy with a hot water bottle (no namby pamby covers for me, it has to be burning rubber snigger!)

Nighty Night x

PS I absolutely promise to learn how to add pics of the crochet - I am proud of my accomplishments - they are all totally copied from other blogs.  I am such a 'copyist' larf.  It will be a 2013 Thing To Achieve.

PPS I am publishing without previewing as Blogger is being a Bugger... Typepad anyone? Added later posting fri pm as it didn't publish last nite grrr.

Interesting day.......

what a day for ups and downs::

Ups

• 2 new peeps (haaaaallo my darlings, you are very welcome here
• one larder cupboard wiped and tidied to make room for the supermarket delivery of heavies (on the credit card but whateverrrrr)
• freezer sticky shelf wiped (it's only been a month since the spillage)
• ironing tackled
• did not leave house so therefore did not shower (dirty cow)
• It was nice the see the snow knowing I wasn't leaving house yaay.
• feeling 'lighter' in my head

Downs

• the cat peed in the utility area (right by the cat flap!!!) she has Never done this before, new worry to add to list, sigh.  Did the snow scare her?
• Took 5 hours, on and off, to make 2 loaves of bread, one good, one fail.  I need to stop this.
• Disastrous attempt at chinese dinner (The FW got involved too grrr)
• Son came home from friends house disappointed at being ignored, they had another couple there and had a takeaway meal and did not include him and barely spoke to him.  He also finds it difficult that they always have the new computer gadget/game but there is no food in house for their children.  I said it may be that that friendship has run its course.
• Tried to do some urgent crochet, just ended up trying to untangle a yarn monster all evening bah!

Mehs

Had phone conversation with BF, the chat was mainly about and included her lovely little grandson (what a character and only one yr old) and her health.  Only partly interested in talk about Fil and the broken ribs.  Wasn't a total write off but, meh.


I need to add that I am truly grateful for the positive comments and virtual hugs.  I don't want to sound crawly but y'know, like, really 'ppreciate it.

I also need to add that what I have written so far as not all of it, the bad stuff, there is more but I don't want to bore anyone.  Some of it can't really be shared, the back lash could be huge. Nevertheless it has had a major effect on me, my self-esteem and made me question my motives and feelings for an individual.  

This year has been huge, turning 50 and how I feel about that, friendships, children being adults, the end of school approaching, and the scarily depressive feelings I am experiencing.  I scared myself pretty badly a few days ago with very, very negative thoughts.  I have never, ever felt that bad before, never contemplated anything like that.  My children have always kept me going on.  There, I am shaking a bit with expressing those words.  Please do not worry, I do not feel this way now.  I will keep on keepin' on as the saying goes.  At some point it has to get better, right?

On that slightly down note I will sleep now and tomorrow will be different.

Bless you and good night
xx

The thing is..............

I have had a slight dip today.

Since I saw you last:

I have decided the method of decoupaging the cubby looks messy and will possibly either re-patch over all in one colour per 'cub' or try and soak off and start again.  Hey it's not like there's only 3 weeks or so to chrimble and I have done nothing!!

FiL has had a fall in the home and has broken his ribs.

SiL had the vomiting lurgy Thursday/Friday and retched so much she blacked out and smashed her face on the loo, stitches and everything.   The following day the care home phoned about FiL, and even though he would not take any pain relief he was in so much pain they took him to the A&E Sat night and SiL had to go and deal with it, she phoned us at 2am to let us know, hence the broken rib diagnosis.  The FW has done fuck all about any of this.

Son's work phoned at 7.24 AM on Sat to see if he would be able to go in  and cover a sick day, luckily he was at girlfriend's house and couldn't (and wouldn't) get there.  I knew that sort of thing would happen because he lives just 12mins walk from the place.  (They said later to him when his proper shift started that I sounded really lovely, bless).

I have spent a lot of time in the kitchen, and then later falling asleep whilst trying to finish daughter's blanket.

Had an allergy attack (how the hell?) when I breathed in and nearly choked on the very strong cheap toothpaste, had to take strong anti-histamine which was probably why I was falling asleep.

The FW said how about we get (his) mum's dining table and chairs in time for Christmas.  Hmmm, it seems I don't appear to have any choice but I don't really want them as they are too posh for our kitchen and everyday use, our previous dining table set in our old house was his choice and too fancy schmancy for small children, drove me crackers.  So I will cover the table with a fairly posh oilcloth whether he likes it or not, and to hell with the chairs (we have a cat, say no more).  Apparently we are going to put the existing table in the attic (where the hell he is going to find the room I don't bloody know as he has filled it with all the crap from his auction house hobby from earlier this year).

I feel that time is scarily rushing past and yet I am in no hurry.  I know that in about a week I will go into a total panic, rush around and recklessly spend money in a vague attempt to 'create' a Christmas.  I used to be 'stepford wife' organised, cards written and ready to post on the 1st, presents thought about in September and ordered and paid for in October, the house organised in November and super cleaned in December.  Now I don't give a crap, but I know I will feel guilty that the house is a complete mess and that the presents will be opened in about 10 minutes flat (like last year!).

I will say that my kids are not grabby and barely ask for anything unless pressed.  I have always made a huge effort for them because of this, (sensibly, until the FW decides he is going to add his contribution of piles of useless crap that they have no need of or use for and that end up in the charity shop).

And there has been other annoying and upsetting trivial stuff happening, it is almost as if there is a determination to drag me down again after my brief (oh, so very brief semi-happy interlude).  Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin*

I hope that I will wake up tomorrow (today) and feel as if I can be organised, I have 2 birthdays in the next couple of day so I must send cards.  If I can make at least one list or one gift and write the 'definitely sending' Xmas cards (the rest I will only send when I receive, just to see what happens) then I can beat this Christmas Block.  I had decided to crochet gifts, but the time for that is disappearing, it is all over the coffee table etc and I keep walking past and saying that I will do it later! 

night night
x

Hello and thank you to my readers and commenters, thank you for making me visible.

*From the film 'Finding Nemo'