I am already in bed and hopefully will sleep soon.
The meeting with the Head of Community (it's a big school) was ok. On the one hand they want to cover their arse as daughter has made a Disclosure, on the other hand the advice from social services is that because it is historical they probably won't do anything about it (although I understand the police would be interested) so we have all agreed to leave it to her.
She seems so much brighter since she has shed this burden and we all agree that this may be enough, that to make a big issue of it could have bigger consequences. Of course the thought that the person could still be doing this (he is now 25, one year younger that our eldest son) is a worry, but I have to think of my child and her life, which of course is selfish of me, but she is my light and joy. She is beautiful, bright, artistic, funny, full of laughter and a total teenager!
We have managed (after one false start when the Asda car park was totally rammo, so we left and tried a couple of hours later) to do the main shop for Christmas and guess what people.....The FW paid! Zippadeedoodah doodahday!!
After some vacuuming, washing, putting shopping away and trying to ram it all in fridge/freezer, and quite a bit of gifty crochet (for which I am now crosseyed after making and stitching on eyes!!) I have that headachy/buzzy feeling you get when you have been crazymadbusy achieving what seems like nothing.
I am already thinking about the crochet I will do (probably Christmas Day afternoon lol) as I have been asked to make some things by a couple of friends and I am looking forward to that when they have chosen the yarn. So I will finish the small projects that are loitering in various boxes/bags and try to tidy as I go.
The next couple of days will be spent cleaning the house a little and on Sunday there will be the trip to the cemetery as it is my dad's anniversary on the 23rd. After that I start to feel a bit more festive (hopefully!) Unfortunately the grave is a bit scruffy and needs attention and I hope that next year I will feel better and do something about it, though there is no guarantee of this.
The bedroom looks like a bombsite and I have lowered the ironing board so that I can use it as a giftwrapping and worktable, while the pile of ironing sits patiently by.
The house will not be a clean or superorganised as it always used to be and at the moment I am not that bothered, but I may be by about 11pm Christmas Eve, at which time I will want to sit and watch Carols at Kings or somesuch programme.
Goodnight my darlings, sleep well........
x
Friday, 21 December 2012
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Monday, 17 December 2012
Feeling a tiny bit relieved....
simply because we know who and we know how much.
It was not the worst, but it is still bad enough because of the age of daughter at the time. 3 1/2. Twelve years have gone by. Twelve years we have had to go back. To remember who was here and how long for. The circumstances of each and the way they left us. Someone is at fault. The agency who placed someone in our home that should not have been here. They knew. And did not tell us.
Daughter is ok. Is probably relieved that the something that has troubled her, caused her early teenage emotional problems, caused the cutting, is finally out.
In the course of this I have had to tell my children that I was raped by someone older and consequently suffered a miscarriage at age 16. This is something I thought I would never have to speak about. My mother gave me no succour or sympathy because I did not tell her of the rape. It was the 70s - a whole different ethos.
Her father and I are relieved that it was not the worst. That would have finished me.
I want to leave this house. We, I, have not been happy since we moved here in 1999. We have had problems with water, of all types, be it leaking showers, the pond, the fish tank, my water retention (mainly in my head, no joke), leaking roofs, hot water cylinders, kettles, you name it if water is involved then it has been a problem. I am trying to remember a clairvoyant telling me something about water probably 15 or so years ago, but I can't remember the details.
This is a nice house, a desirable home for someone, but not us, clearly.
So, now, it is counselling, social workers, etc etc. We will be taking this further with the agency. That will not involve daughter, that is for us, we need someone to know what they have done to our child, to us, to our family. Bastards.
x
It was not the worst, but it is still bad enough because of the age of daughter at the time. 3 1/2. Twelve years have gone by. Twelve years we have had to go back. To remember who was here and how long for. The circumstances of each and the way they left us. Someone is at fault. The agency who placed someone in our home that should not have been here. They knew. And did not tell us.
Daughter is ok. Is probably relieved that the something that has troubled her, caused her early teenage emotional problems, caused the cutting, is finally out.
In the course of this I have had to tell my children that I was raped by someone older and consequently suffered a miscarriage at age 16. This is something I thought I would never have to speak about. My mother gave me no succour or sympathy because I did not tell her of the rape. It was the 70s - a whole different ethos.
Her father and I are relieved that it was not the worst. That would have finished me.
I want to leave this house. We, I, have not been happy since we moved here in 1999. We have had problems with water, of all types, be it leaking showers, the pond, the fish tank, my water retention (mainly in my head, no joke), leaking roofs, hot water cylinders, kettles, you name it if water is involved then it has been a problem. I am trying to remember a clairvoyant telling me something about water probably 15 or so years ago, but I can't remember the details.
This is a nice house, a desirable home for someone, but not us, clearly.
So, now, it is counselling, social workers, etc etc. We will be taking this further with the agency. That will not involve daughter, that is for us, we need someone to know what they have done to our child, to us, to our family. Bastards.
x
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Thank you, dear friends
for your kind messages.
You managed to raise a weak, watery smile on this little face.
Tomorrow is going to be one of those days that will have to be endured.
When the Rihanna song 'Diamonds' played on the radio this morning I had a mini breakdown but now (as usually happens in difficult situations) I am upright and stoic.
Then the song with the lines -
"I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw, keep the vampire from your door, when the chips are down, I'll be around, with my undying, death defying love for you"
These will stay in my memory.
I will try to write, dependent on the situation.
Love
Susan x
You managed to raise a weak, watery smile on this little face.
Tomorrow is going to be one of those days that will have to be endured.
When the Rihanna song 'Diamonds' played on the radio this morning I had a mini breakdown but now (as usually happens in difficult situations) I am upright and stoic.
Then the song with the lines -
"I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw, keep the vampire from your door, when the chips are down, I'll be around, with my undying, death defying love for you"
These will stay in my memory.
I will try to write, dependent on the situation.
Love
Susan x
Thursday, 13 December 2012
About friends........
BF popped round, what's that you say, popped round? The first time this year (except on Bday in June) and I was desperately hoping for some productive time and there was a ding dong and there she was. Oh and just to add to the discombobulatingness of it all The FW was in the kitchen at the time and guess what he stayed, yes my friend, he stayed to join in the conversation......(he hates her)....... but still he stayed instead of doing his usual disappearing act down to the cabin in the garden. And then - and then he fell asleep in the chair and started snoring - what the f... So we went into the sitting room and chatted more, it is plain we have less and less in common, but still. Apparently she came round to see if I wanted to pop up to the local posh tea room/gifty shop type place. Really. No, says I for I have not showered today and look like a Gom. Truly I do not appreciate it when people pop round unannounced and expect me to be available when the thought strikes them. When we spoke on the phone yesterday she said we must go out somewhere, maybe next week, which I think might be nice depending on how stressed busy I am and how much I achieve this week, but I now have lost half a day pah!
We have not been out anywhere since Spring, we went to the next town over where it is nice, you see, and now she goes to lovely places with boy(sorry)man friend). We used to go everywhere all the time and we laughed and laughed til we cried. Then the fun places stopped and it was hospital/doctor/consultant/mri etc etc and I didn't mind because she is my friend and we laughed our way through the horrid places. And then........last year it was a new friend (who she was helping through a difficult marriage then break up then new life) that she went to the nice places with (oh) whilst I stayed at home and then she met the new bloke and that was it, up to Wolverhampton every weekend and then coming home and saying how nice the new people were and how much they liked her (Y we like you so much you must come and live up here) and what lovely places they went and how much I would like those places. Really.
Anyhoo, she is now talking of going there to live and her daughter wants to go the college there, so in about 6-9 months I reckon she'll be off and my daughter will lose her best and oldest friend too. It was interesting to note that she said about missing family, whereas with the last boy/man friend who lived in Durham she said she definitely would not move there as she would miss friends/family too much.
Maybe it is a Catch22 situation. I have distanced myself because
a) the onesidedness of our friendship,
b) my depression (which she barely acknowledges despite my mentioning it),
c) I knew last year that things would change because she has had her first grandchild that she looks after 1 1/2 days a week despite her poor health and her mother's health has deteriorated a bit,
d) I was beginning to feel that the agenda was always hers, when, where etc. There is a lot of impetuosity about her life whereas I have to plan a bit because I have other people to consider and that it was becoming a bit difficult to deal with the after-effects of the random days out etc. Plus I have no pence to go out with.
So maybe she is distancing from me because I am not phoning every day and we have less and less to talk about because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and I have nothing to talk about because a) I go nowhere, b) I do things she has no interest in at all, like crochet/yarn/colours/patterns and yet I have to listen to her talking for 55 mins in the allotted phone hour about who she has seen and the music etc (her boyfriend is a radio station manager and dj and has access to music venues etc. I may get 3/4 mins chat about MiL going into hospital/care home or FiL breaking his ribs etc.
I do not phone on Fridays because she is either getting ready to go to Wolverhampton or left Thursday night. I do not phone on Wednesday/Thursday because she looks after baby who is a busy boy. I do not phone at weekends because she is away or he is down here. I do not phone on Monday because she is exhausted after the travelling etc and needs to sleep. So that leaves Tuesday and that is when I phone. She does not phone me. Partly because The FW listens in on our phonecalls (more of that another time) and partly because she does not think to.
I feel that she is paying lip service to me and it hurts because we have been friends for 10 years and have been through some really difficult times together. But I have come to realise that it is a one way street. Which freaks me out a little because that is the relationship I had with The FW before I called time on it. The fact that my best friend and husband have the same selfish qualities. That and the fact that they both injured their backs in the same lumbar area on the same day (nothing funny I promise).
So in one year I 'lose' my mother in law, my sister in law and my best friend, the three closest females in my life who have known me so long and so well. I am grieved.
Good night, my virtual friends, good night.
x
PS - Oh yes, the cat decided she must kill the evil Christmas cards whilst I am writing them, such fun, and the dog is in pain in his back legs, struggling up the stairs (oh blimey we can't afford the vet) but then he is 9 years old and a little dog and so he is an old man now, sigh.
We have not been out anywhere since Spring, we went to the next town over where it is nice, you see, and now she goes to lovely places with boy(sorry)man friend). We used to go everywhere all the time and we laughed and laughed til we cried. Then the fun places stopped and it was hospital/doctor/consultant/mri etc etc and I didn't mind because she is my friend and we laughed our way through the horrid places. And then........last year it was a new friend (who she was helping through a difficult marriage then break up then new life) that she went to the nice places with (oh) whilst I stayed at home and then she met the new bloke and that was it, up to Wolverhampton every weekend and then coming home and saying how nice the new people were and how much they liked her (Y we like you so much you must come and live up here) and what lovely places they went and how much I would like those places. Really.
Anyhoo, she is now talking of going there to live and her daughter wants to go the college there, so in about 6-9 months I reckon she'll be off and my daughter will lose her best and oldest friend too. It was interesting to note that she said about missing family, whereas with the last boy/man friend who lived in Durham she said she definitely would not move there as she would miss friends/family too much.
Maybe it is a Catch22 situation. I have distanced myself because
a) the onesidedness of our friendship,
b) my depression (which she barely acknowledges despite my mentioning it),
c) I knew last year that things would change because she has had her first grandchild that she looks after 1 1/2 days a week despite her poor health and her mother's health has deteriorated a bit,
d) I was beginning to feel that the agenda was always hers, when, where etc. There is a lot of impetuosity about her life whereas I have to plan a bit because I have other people to consider and that it was becoming a bit difficult to deal with the after-effects of the random days out etc. Plus I have no pence to go out with.
So maybe she is distancing from me because I am not phoning every day and we have less and less to talk about because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and I have nothing to talk about because a) I go nowhere, b) I do things she has no interest in at all, like crochet/yarn/colours/patterns and yet I have to listen to her talking for 55 mins in the allotted phone hour about who she has seen and the music etc (her boyfriend is a radio station manager and dj and has access to music venues etc. I may get 3/4 mins chat about MiL going into hospital/care home or FiL breaking his ribs etc.
I do not phone on Fridays because she is either getting ready to go to Wolverhampton or left Thursday night. I do not phone on Wednesday/Thursday because she looks after baby who is a busy boy. I do not phone at weekends because she is away or he is down here. I do not phone on Monday because she is exhausted after the travelling etc and needs to sleep. So that leaves Tuesday and that is when I phone. She does not phone me. Partly because The FW listens in on our phonecalls (more of that another time) and partly because she does not think to.
I feel that she is paying lip service to me and it hurts because we have been friends for 10 years and have been through some really difficult times together. But I have come to realise that it is a one way street. Which freaks me out a little because that is the relationship I had with The FW before I called time on it. The fact that my best friend and husband have the same selfish qualities. That and the fact that they both injured their backs in the same lumbar area on the same day (nothing funny I promise).
So in one year I 'lose' my mother in law, my sister in law and my best friend, the three closest females in my life who have known me so long and so well. I am grieved.
Good night, my virtual friends, good night.
x
PS - Oh yes, the cat decided she must kill the evil Christmas cards whilst I am writing them, such fun, and the dog is in pain in his back legs, struggling up the stairs (oh blimey we can't afford the vet) but then he is 9 years old and a little dog and so he is an old man now, sigh.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Creeping into Christmas.....
okay I give in,
I have written a few cards
thought about perhaps ordering some stuff (hey it's only the 8th, it'll be fine)
seen the decs being put up (I just tidy up after and provide snacks during)
The blanket of loveliness has only a few (hah) ends to weave in. There will be no blocking until it is washed at some point in the future, probably in the Spring lol.
The decs went up quite peacefully, but with an absence of chrimbo music because all the christmas cds have disappeared, all of them. I can't remember whether The FW took them up the pub, left them there, then forgot he left them there. We had loads of all types, Foster and Allen included (gurn).
The FW was a little prickly and was trying hard not to be, daughter's friend-who-is-a-boy came round. He is nice and likes Strictly (hmmm). At first The FW said "who's the bloke". "He is not a bloke, he is a boy, it is daughter's friend". (The one that you said you thought was her boyfriend, not that you minded she had a boyfriend. The very fact that you said that shows that you do indeed mind you dick). Why do all fathers revert back to their predatory teenage selves when their own daughters have boyfriends (also men of a certain age do not believe that girls can have friends who are boys!)
Anyway, boring on...
Me and the daughter went to a christmas craft fayre in town. Surprisingly it was very good and quite busy. (I did notice that some stuff from blogland was being sold there, is that allowed, should I have said something?. It felt odd seeing Lucy's wreath and some familiar owls in the flesh as it were). The thing is my crochet is better than some I saw there. The FW says I should sell my stuff but I know that everything I do I have seen online, and I know that I could not do that. I do give stuff as gifts, patterns and tutorials I have made, etc, but it would not be right to sell it.
I saw an old artistic friend there, she is lovely and her son is the same age range as my two. We chatted for ages and she fell in love with daughter. She is starting up a 'save our high street' campaign and is getting a shop front for a while. I offered to do the office work (this is voluntary stuff) because that is my bag, you know filing cabinets and all that. It will be a bit scary but I would like to do that, I need to get out the house. I hope that my frame of mind is good when I am needed.
Also the wool shop down the road (not the greatest selection in the land, but the only wool shop in the village) is quite friendly and I have been chatting with one of the ladies there and she said come in, bring your work and we can chat. Probably because I make her laugh. I think I need to persuade them to stock stylecraft, that would be heaven. It would be nice to have friends with the same interests as I have.
There is one of the mums from daughter's old primary school that I still see now and again and I did promise to teach her to crochet, that was about 8 months ago. I will send a christmas card and write that I haven't forgotten if she is still interested, that will be another thing to get me out of the house. Oooh I sound quite busy, don't I.
I hope and wish that I can do this stuff, I have been in limbo for about 3 years and there are times when I lay in bed and regret that time is slipping through my fingers. Sometimes when waiting to sleep I try to think positive thoughts about how I would like life to be, fulfilling and useful, happy and productive. Not stressful and stagnant like it is now.
My mood is not too bad at the moment, things are achievable as long as I don't worry about the deadline of the 25th. We wish you a merry blah blah bah humbugger!
Hello Isabelle, it is lovely to see you.
Night night everyone xPS - The FW has an upset stomach, could it be the 'free' curry he went out for last night, oh I do hope so. (did I hear someone call me a bitch just then?)
Added this morning - This should have been posted last night, is Blogger playing up!?!?
I have written a few cards
thought about perhaps ordering some stuff (hey it's only the 8th, it'll be fine)
seen the decs being put up (I just tidy up after and provide snacks during)
The blanket of loveliness has only a few (hah) ends to weave in. There will be no blocking until it is washed at some point in the future, probably in the Spring lol.
The decs went up quite peacefully, but with an absence of chrimbo music because all the christmas cds have disappeared, all of them. I can't remember whether The FW took them up the pub, left them there, then forgot he left them there. We had loads of all types, Foster and Allen included (gurn).
The FW was a little prickly and was trying hard not to be, daughter's friend-who-is-a-boy came round. He is nice and likes Strictly (hmmm). At first The FW said "who's the bloke". "He is not a bloke, he is a boy, it is daughter's friend". (The one that you said you thought was her boyfriend, not that you minded she had a boyfriend. The very fact that you said that shows that you do indeed mind you dick). Why do all fathers revert back to their predatory teenage selves when their own daughters have boyfriends (also men of a certain age do not believe that girls can have friends who are boys!)
Anyway, boring on...
Me and the daughter went to a christmas craft fayre in town. Surprisingly it was very good and quite busy. (I did notice that some stuff from blogland was being sold there, is that allowed, should I have said something?. It felt odd seeing Lucy's wreath and some familiar owls in the flesh as it were). The thing is my crochet is better than some I saw there. The FW says I should sell my stuff but I know that everything I do I have seen online, and I know that I could not do that. I do give stuff as gifts, patterns and tutorials I have made, etc, but it would not be right to sell it.
I saw an old artistic friend there, she is lovely and her son is the same age range as my two. We chatted for ages and she fell in love with daughter. She is starting up a 'save our high street' campaign and is getting a shop front for a while. I offered to do the office work (this is voluntary stuff) because that is my bag, you know filing cabinets and all that. It will be a bit scary but I would like to do that, I need to get out the house. I hope that my frame of mind is good when I am needed.
Also the wool shop down the road (not the greatest selection in the land, but the only wool shop in the village) is quite friendly and I have been chatting with one of the ladies there and she said come in, bring your work and we can chat. Probably because I make her laugh. I think I need to persuade them to stock stylecraft, that would be heaven. It would be nice to have friends with the same interests as I have.
There is one of the mums from daughter's old primary school that I still see now and again and I did promise to teach her to crochet, that was about 8 months ago. I will send a christmas card and write that I haven't forgotten if she is still interested, that will be another thing to get me out of the house. Oooh I sound quite busy, don't I.
I hope and wish that I can do this stuff, I have been in limbo for about 3 years and there are times when I lay in bed and regret that time is slipping through my fingers. Sometimes when waiting to sleep I try to think positive thoughts about how I would like life to be, fulfilling and useful, happy and productive. Not stressful and stagnant like it is now.
My mood is not too bad at the moment, things are achievable as long as I don't worry about the deadline of the 25th. We wish you a merry blah blah bah humbugger!
Hello Isabelle, it is lovely to see you.
Night night everyone xPS - The FW has an upset stomach, could it be the 'free' curry he went out for last night, oh I do hope so. (did I hear someone call me a bitch just then?)
Added this morning - This should have been posted last night, is Blogger playing up!?!?
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