Just everyday stuff, pretty boring, occasionally teeth gnashing, minor sobbing, no progress on the tidying up, lots of thinking, but no achievements in any way. Over and out.
Back later when the urge to hit the keyboard occurs.
Love ya
x
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
College Open Day
Oh my am I overwhelmed. Yesterday dear daughter told us it was college open day and that she was going there with her friend and his parents.....ermm no actually it is OUR job to take you. She was not happy and I wondered what she was saying to others about us. I know we aren't a jolly house but we are quiet and we don't row at all, I know that she is super-sensitive to the atmosphere and I can't say anything to her about The FW like I can the boys.
Anyhoo, to college we went and because my eldest son teaches there his colleagues and department head were very pleased to see us and to get to know her, and were impressed with her work ethic and interest in the two courses she needs to make up her mind about (both closely connected and therefore easily changeable if necessary). It is ironic that she may end being taught by her brother, something that amazed the department head.
The feeling that my son is so admired by his colleague and boss to the point that they made a course to keep him because he was (at the time) the only one able to take the course, is overwhelming and that he was, due to circumstances and his talents, teaching year 1 students when he was in year 2 and later whilst he was doing his BSc at the uni he was teaching a 'difficult year group' at the college and had them eating out of his hand made me so proud.
These last few months of daughter's schooling will fly by with agonising slowness, we have been 'in education' for 21 years without a break and the changes we have seen have been huge (politics and education should not mix!). My daughter's homework and revision schedule and the constant exam taking (she started the English Baccalaureate last year) is mind boggling, she excels in the subjects she hates and has had to give up the subjects she loves! On Friday she is taking an English mock exam even though she got an A in the real exam she took a few weeks ago WTF! So I want to make extra certain that she is happy in college. I know she can't wait and loves the little city the college is in.
Middle son is enjoying his job too, I think it is a little more challenging than he thought. But to be paid for being a good, kind, empathetic, caring person also overwhelms me.
Even though I feel like a pile o' crap I think I did good with my kids, that's all I need to know right now.
Gonna watch Dallas now, need to rest my brain!
x
Anyhoo, to college we went and because my eldest son teaches there his colleagues and department head were very pleased to see us and to get to know her, and were impressed with her work ethic and interest in the two courses she needs to make up her mind about (both closely connected and therefore easily changeable if necessary). It is ironic that she may end being taught by her brother, something that amazed the department head.
The feeling that my son is so admired by his colleague and boss to the point that they made a course to keep him because he was (at the time) the only one able to take the course, is overwhelming and that he was, due to circumstances and his talents, teaching year 1 students when he was in year 2 and later whilst he was doing his BSc at the uni he was teaching a 'difficult year group' at the college and had them eating out of his hand made me so proud.
These last few months of daughter's schooling will fly by with agonising slowness, we have been 'in education' for 21 years without a break and the changes we have seen have been huge (politics and education should not mix!). My daughter's homework and revision schedule and the constant exam taking (she started the English Baccalaureate last year) is mind boggling, she excels in the subjects she hates and has had to give up the subjects she loves! On Friday she is taking an English mock exam even though she got an A in the real exam she took a few weeks ago WTF! So I want to make extra certain that she is happy in college. I know she can't wait and loves the little city the college is in.
Middle son is enjoying his job too, I think it is a little more challenging than he thought. But to be paid for being a good, kind, empathetic, caring person also overwhelms me.
Even though I feel like a pile o' crap I think I did good with my kids, that's all I need to know right now.
Gonna watch Dallas now, need to rest my brain!
x
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Look what i did!!!
Isn't it pretty, I know this is so, like, whateverrr to you clever peeps who do this all the time, but, I did this all by myself. It's a rose in our garden, my daughter took this pic I think.
I may take a photo of something more appropriate to my blog name at some point, but for the moment I like this. Big grin.
My eyes are like dried up balls of snot (nice) after peering at the many photos in my albums, so I am off the land of Winken, Blinken and Nod. (showing my age again).
kiss
I may take a photo of something more appropriate to my blog name at some point, but for the moment I like this. Big grin.
My eyes are like dried up balls of snot (nice) after peering at the many photos in my albums, so I am off the land of Winken, Blinken and Nod. (showing my age again).
kiss
Monday, 5 November 2012
It's all about the timing.....
Do you get that thing where you want to listen to a little bit of news or an item on the radio, you know, 2 maybe 3 minutes in a whole show........and you listen to the WHOLE show whilst being busy doing your thang and at the exact moment the article comes on..... the phone rings, the doorbell goes (or the child needs a potty, even all those years ago this has been happening) or The FW decides to come in and talk and then pisses off again just as the item finishes.
E.V.E.R.Y T.I.M.E
Or am I just being paranoid.
**sigh**
E.V.E.R.Y T.I.M.E
Or am I just being paranoid.
**sigh**
Thursday, 1 November 2012
After stomping for a bit I decided to 'publish'
I think there are some people who click on 'Next Blog', skim read then comment on a small part of it.
To clarify -
I worked for 20 years with no pay in The FW's business, whilst caring for children and elderly parents in the years I couldn't drive. Exhaustion wasn't the word.
Then when he decided to Limit the business he had to pay me and boy did he hate it, I had to remind him every single month it was payday, sometimes he paid himself twice!!. My mistake was to save my salary, (after I had paid off the debts I had accrued during the previous dry spell, see below), because that is what we lived on in 2010/11 when we had no income.
When he said the immortal words again last year "there's no money for food" - this is whilst driving around in a Jaguar XKR pissing it up the wall every freakin' night - my heart dropped again - the first time was when I had to give up being a foster carer in 2002 due to the negative impact it had on my (then) little girl. He 'punished' me by telling me there was no money for food then, so I stupidly bought it on my credit card 'cos I had children to feed, until I got my cleaning job, and then magically he 'gave' me a few quid towards the food bill. So I had a cleaning job, working with no pay in the business, child care (which included hospital stuff) until we went limited company 2006 and I gave up the cleaning.
After the terrible years of '06 and '07 when I found out he was cheating on me whilst my daughter had a major heart operation (in '08 I realised he had cheated pretty much from when I fell pregnant with first child in '85 and all throughout the losses of both my parents). I decided to stay because my child was post-operative and traumatised and also we had a business and workmen that relied on us for their living. After all that I decided to have some me time - it was great for about 18 months, gym, shopping, lunching....then the shit hit the fan, and still I am staying because I have no parents to go home to, no money 'cos he had all that and no job because there aren't any and I am unskilled and mentally and emotionally knackered.
The man I have is a fuckwit, who thinks I should never leave the kitchen, but I put my kids first (and his elderly and failing parents too because I love them and it would break their hearts), I am at the bottom of the pile, which is ok sometimes because my kids love me and my friends too.
PS Learn where to put the appostrophe!
Movin' on..............
To clarify -
I worked for 20 years with no pay in The FW's business, whilst caring for children and elderly parents in the years I couldn't drive. Exhaustion wasn't the word.
Then when he decided to Limit the business he had to pay me and boy did he hate it, I had to remind him every single month it was payday, sometimes he paid himself twice!!. My mistake was to save my salary, (after I had paid off the debts I had accrued during the previous dry spell, see below), because that is what we lived on in 2010/11 when we had no income.
When he said the immortal words again last year "there's no money for food" - this is whilst driving around in a Jaguar XKR pissing it up the wall every freakin' night - my heart dropped again - the first time was when I had to give up being a foster carer in 2002 due to the negative impact it had on my (then) little girl. He 'punished' me by telling me there was no money for food then, so I stupidly bought it on my credit card 'cos I had children to feed, until I got my cleaning job, and then magically he 'gave' me a few quid towards the food bill. So I had a cleaning job, working with no pay in the business, child care (which included hospital stuff) until we went limited company 2006 and I gave up the cleaning.
After the terrible years of '06 and '07 when I found out he was cheating on me whilst my daughter had a major heart operation (in '08 I realised he had cheated pretty much from when I fell pregnant with first child in '85 and all throughout the losses of both my parents). I decided to stay because my child was post-operative and traumatised and also we had a business and workmen that relied on us for their living. After all that I decided to have some me time - it was great for about 18 months, gym, shopping, lunching....then the shit hit the fan, and still I am staying because I have no parents to go home to, no money 'cos he had all that and no job because there aren't any and I am unskilled and mentally and emotionally knackered.
The man I have is a fuckwit, who thinks I should never leave the kitchen, but I put my kids first (and his elderly and failing parents too because I love them and it would break their hearts), I am at the bottom of the pile, which is ok sometimes because my kids love me and my friends too.
PS Learn where to put the appostrophe!
Movin' on..............
tee hee
Had my first 'nasty' comment today, am deciding whether to publish it, can of worms, or fuck you moment, which is it to be. Dearest R how sweet you are, you have no idea do you. The man is NOT providing for me actually love and has never given me a fuckin bean except for his own comfort. Whenever I inherited or saved money he made sure he got his hands on it and is now after eldest son's money!!!!!! I have no skills worth being paid for and there are no pissin jobs in this damn town anyway. After nearly 30 years of hard physical slog The FW has knackered his back. You obviously have no clue about depression either do you. It's not about being 'happy', it's about not being 'unhappy'. Anyway it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to.
Normal service warts 'n' all will be resumed after I stomp up and down a bit.
PS If anyone gives a shit the arm doesn't hurt this morning so I was being a tit after all.
PPS shall I add the dear reader's comment, I know other blog writers don't and then write an 'answer' and I am always curious to know what was said.
Normal service warts 'n' all will be resumed after I stomp up and down a bit.
PS If anyone gives a shit the arm doesn't hurt this morning so I was being a tit after all.
PPS shall I add the dear reader's comment, I know other blog writers don't and then write an 'answer' and I am always curious to know what was said.
I really should make the Practise Nurse appointment
I have pain in my right eye (I have had 'red eye' in the past), I have had this for about a week, it throbs a bit but I can stop that with ibuprofen, the eyelid also 'flutters' quite a bit. Tonight my left arm hurts.
Perhaps I am just being a tit, I am not eating very much but making bad choices, taking little or no exercise and am very very stressed. I am also 50, short and 2 stone overweight, bugger! I need to eat more porridge and less crisps. *sigh*.
I tend not to concern myself with being ill, I rarely get colds, have had the mildest of thyroid problems - now in remission, and my menopause symptoms have been mostly emotional.
Three years ago I ate well and went to the gym or exercise class 3 or 4 times a week... what changed? The FW's regular work disappeared when the chancellor took money away from the local hospital for projects work and our work stopped literally overnight (31March 2009). The intermittent work since then has been for private hospitals but that was only bank holidays/easter etc. We have now closed our business after 27 years. He has enforced early retirement without the benefits. Plus the fact he is a financial moron puts us in difficulties that he does not see, or has stupid ideas like going to his exercise class (laugh) opposite the local post office, coming home then driving several miles away to a village post office to post the ebay parcels. There is no petrol in the car so if there is an emergency with his parents we will have to go in the van - wtf. He wants to sell the van (he owes eldest son £2k which he promises to repay) and get a little workhorse one.
He is paying the interest on both mortgages because he didn't understand about form MI12 (mortgage help) and we have been waiting/wasting 4 months where he thought he had filled it in just because he has filled in several similar forms and doesn't get that when you are on benefits it all about filling in the same info on different forms. I am being passive/aggressive and not getting involved in all that stuff, just letting it happen though it will be my turn soon. Whenever I try to explain anything, or give him information he doesn't listen or deliberately misunderstands because he cannot stand that I know more than he does and also cannot stand to be 'told' what to do. He has a problem with women and authority. He also blames the banks etc for his mistakes and misunderstandings.
The fact that my sons are making a bigger contribution to the household finances relieves me and guilts me at the same time, I am torn and want it all to stop now please, I am tired, this house is too big for me to take care of, we have leaks in many cupboards so the contents are scattered about driving me absofuckinlutely batshit crazy. Every time I try to make bread or deal with laundry there is someone in my way (usually him the fuckwit!) making suggestions like do you need me to get veg from the farm shop (no you dumbass it is dearer than the supermarket ffs) then gets cross because he "is only trying to help".
Oh yeah he wants to celebrate son getting job (and son's girlfriend's birthday on Monday) by going out for a meal or to the pics, he'll pay on his credit card and get eldest son to contribute!!!!!!!!!!!! Errr no actually, they would rather stay in and have a takeaway and bottle of wine as a treat, early doors as they both have work the next day. He won't be pleased when he finds out they would rather stay home. I am letting them deal with that, which is pissy of me but I would rather shut the fuck up and get on with the ironing thanks. I find by not wearing my glasses so I can't see that well, avoiding eye contact and pretending I can't hear him above the washing machine helps quite a bit lol.
I have a dream of building a block of small one bedroom flats for all the women I know who have said they want to 'get away' from it all for a while. To not have to feed, wash, pick up after or think about anyone else, to have a break from all the shite in their lives. I know of three women, not including me; anyone else want a secret respite home?
Night night
x
Perhaps I am just being a tit, I am not eating very much but making bad choices, taking little or no exercise and am very very stressed. I am also 50, short and 2 stone overweight, bugger! I need to eat more porridge and less crisps. *sigh*.
I tend not to concern myself with being ill, I rarely get colds, have had the mildest of thyroid problems - now in remission, and my menopause symptoms have been mostly emotional.
Three years ago I ate well and went to the gym or exercise class 3 or 4 times a week... what changed? The FW's regular work disappeared when the chancellor took money away from the local hospital for projects work and our work stopped literally overnight (31March 2009). The intermittent work since then has been for private hospitals but that was only bank holidays/easter etc. We have now closed our business after 27 years. He has enforced early retirement without the benefits. Plus the fact he is a financial moron puts us in difficulties that he does not see, or has stupid ideas like going to his exercise class (laugh) opposite the local post office, coming home then driving several miles away to a village post office to post the ebay parcels. There is no petrol in the car so if there is an emergency with his parents we will have to go in the van - wtf. He wants to sell the van (he owes eldest son £2k which he promises to repay) and get a little workhorse one.
He is paying the interest on both mortgages because he didn't understand about form MI12 (mortgage help) and we have been waiting/wasting 4 months where he thought he had filled it in just because he has filled in several similar forms and doesn't get that when you are on benefits it all about filling in the same info on different forms. I am being passive/aggressive and not getting involved in all that stuff, just letting it happen though it will be my turn soon. Whenever I try to explain anything, or give him information he doesn't listen or deliberately misunderstands because he cannot stand that I know more than he does and also cannot stand to be 'told' what to do. He has a problem with women and authority. He also blames the banks etc for his mistakes and misunderstandings.
The fact that my sons are making a bigger contribution to the household finances relieves me and guilts me at the same time, I am torn and want it all to stop now please, I am tired, this house is too big for me to take care of, we have leaks in many cupboards so the contents are scattered about driving me absofuckinlutely batshit crazy. Every time I try to make bread or deal with laundry there is someone in my way (usually him the fuckwit!) making suggestions like do you need me to get veg from the farm shop (no you dumbass it is dearer than the supermarket ffs) then gets cross because he "is only trying to help".
Oh yeah he wants to celebrate son getting job (and son's girlfriend's birthday on Monday) by going out for a meal or to the pics, he'll pay on his credit card and get eldest son to contribute!!!!!!!!!!!! Errr no actually, they would rather stay in and have a takeaway and bottle of wine as a treat, early doors as they both have work the next day. He won't be pleased when he finds out they would rather stay home. I am letting them deal with that, which is pissy of me but I would rather shut the fuck up and get on with the ironing thanks. I find by not wearing my glasses so I can't see that well, avoiding eye contact and pretending I can't hear him above the washing machine helps quite a bit lol.
I have a dream of building a block of small one bedroom flats for all the women I know who have said they want to 'get away' from it all for a while. To not have to feed, wash, pick up after or think about anyone else, to have a break from all the shite in their lives. I know of three women, not including me; anyone else want a secret respite home?
Night night
x
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