Tuesday, 14 May 2013

I'm angry.................

Stupidly angry, really.

The day started reasonably well, some housework done, the dinner was decided on, I was waiting to hang the third load of washing out and then I planned to crochet until my fingers bled and get on with the neckwarmer/wrist warmers for a good friend.  The phone rang.....

It was the best friend, going into town did I fancy a cuppa, I cogitated for about 3 seconds and said yes.  The work was done, I had showered (which is always a plus) and SHE HAD PHONED ME!!!! (over 2 weeks).

I told The FW what I was doing and he was ok you know like a normal person ("cuppa and a natter") and not a fuckwit.

We had a good chat, lots of tea and some cake, I spoke a lot, I mean a lot.  I barely let her get a word in edgeways, good eh!

When I got back about 3.20 was met by daughter jokingly complaining there was NO food, which there wasn't.  Jeez I am out at schooltime once in 12 months and that was the day there was no food. Bad Mummy.

As soon as The FW saw I was home (getting the washing in, switching the iron on etc) he had to come and 'check me out' you know like the dog does when you come in.  So I chatted about the news - next door's house break-in/elderly mother's health etc and mobile rang.

It NeVeR rings, like, ever.  But today whilst he is in the room it rang, and I had to answer it of course.  Yep, the counselling service.  Great.  So I had a non-committal conversation and He Stayed In The Room, watching and listening, expecting me to break off and tell him who it was.  I didn't.  After a couple of minutes he got fed up and sat in the next room and I continued to iron and talk as little as possible.  Eventually I went upstairs and told her what had happened with the previous letter, the timing of this call and that I had had to tell him a little and that I was fed up that the harder I tried to keep this private the more public it became.  I am really very paranoid* now, especially as usually he is out in the cabin or garden and would not have been in the house if he wasn't 'welcoming me home'.  (This is not something he does when I come home loaded with shopping or cold from dog-walking).

He is DESPERATE to know who the call was and as yet has not asked, but he will, oh so casually, just jump it into the conversation, oh by the way etc.  Shall I tell, I don't know.

This morning he asked if we should sell the fishtank (a large unusual one I bought some years ago with an inheritance - it didn't work out)  and I said oh yes I could do with the money.  We have had some small/quick chats about money recently and I have said categorically I am at saturation point and there are still bills to sort out.  He has sold the van and is still waiting on the money, long story, boring boring.  So he decided to sell it on my ebay which works 'cos I want the money and I had to sign him in.  An hour later he comes in and says "I'll have to do it on your laptop because i shut it down by mistake.  really.  "No that's alright I'll come down and sign you in again".  (nice try, sunshine).  Again, later he comes back cross saying it's not working. hmmm, I'll head that off at the pass somehow.  I have nothing to hide except the blogettes, but still give him an inch etc etc.

If I get challenged I will speak and he will regret it.

* especially as I have had to give him bank statements to take to the benefits office and have had to do some juggling because of the premium bonds I have had to cash in (£450 big deal) and have not told him.  I'm not hiding it from them, just from him. I had dithered about this in January and ended up doing it in March and opted for after the next draw, so they show up now. fucking great timing eh.  And the fact that I wanted to tell Best friend what had just happened and couldn't email (Outlook is shit) and daren't use house phone and the house was too quiet to phone on mobile.  I did get through eventually and guess what he came in the room whilst I was talking and I hadn't heard the patio doors that he usually slams.  I am not sure how much he heard and he is now in a bad mood. whatever.

My  anger is tiring me out (that and the 5am wake ups I am having recently.

btw that new font size was annoying me so it's going.

PS - I am only going to get two 30 minute phone counselling sessions - it is not enough, I have to tell them.  Today has dipped me back down.

PPS We were cut off for a while until the bill got paid (by him hah!). I have often thought of blog titles and content (alien cats in the kitchen etc)  and then was too tired to write.

PPS need to clear the history on laptop.  I can't let him see the trail to this blog.

Good night, love you x

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This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.