Monday, 3 June 2013

In my Shell

Saturday before last I wrote quite an emotive post.  Thought I had published it and it turns out that because our internet connection was a bit 'iffy' that it has been sitting in Draft.  Perhaps it's just as well as there was a bit of financial indiscreetness going on.

As a result of the financial fuckwittery I have retreated back into my shell.

I don't like it here very much.  It is quite scary.  And lonely.

The FW has taken over my ebay account (originally just to sell the fishtank)  and would like the password to my paypal "to make printing labels easier".  Yeah.  Fuck Off.  I am hanging on to them apples, honey.   He is having a great spendy time with the money from the sale of the van.  Has not paid the bills that he promised to because he can't get online to do that yet (new bank account).  I have zoned them out, we are well past the deadline on those.  Whatever.

I have not spoken to Best Friend since her birthday on 22 May.  We spoke about my birthday (coming to a heartbreak hotel near you soon) and it turns out she won't be around  - again - which is quite irrelevant really as in the eleven years we have known each other she cannot get the date right.  She is either a day late or too soon in her social/holiday/boyfriend arrangements.  And often away.  Whatever.

I don't want to be too hard on her as her brother has prostrate cancer and her mother keeps getting taken to A&E in the middle of the night with lung infections, and then getting discharged in the middle of the night.  She is 85.

I am supposed to be reading and working with the 'Mindfulness' exercises from the local counselling service.  Although the girlie is quite nice, she is young and has 30 minutes to deal with a sobbing, barely coherent, utterly beaten down menopausal doormat.  On the Phone.  In Sainsbury's car park.  Marvellous.

If I am offered medication again, I am going to take it.  I don't want too, I am scared of long term meds (even though I am on perindopril - still haven't had the blood test - I know)  but I realise that to deal with life I have at the moment I am going to need help.  It is not fair on the kids.  Especially as The Youngest has come home from school today announcing that it's done, just the odd revision day and exam.  Just like that, a brief assembly and letter handed out, no last day shirt signing etc.  Cop out much?

Deep Sigh.


I am still reading everyone's blogs.  Trying failing not to be envious.

Lusting after Jason Isaacs in Case Histories.  And Matthew Rhys in Americans.


  1. Oh Darling ,life's crap eh?. Seriously don't loose heart meds do help with depression (well they helped me) I am so sorry to here the FW is being a prize FW. I appreciate you friend having much on her plate but you dont deserve crumbs you are worth more than that.Know this you do make a difference.

  2. hi lovie. just wanted you to know and thinking of you and sending lots of love your way xx

  3. I'm so sorry you find yourself back in your shell, I recognise the to-ing and fro-ing. It's bleak now, but it WILL get better. I'm not sure if you are accessing your counselling through the NHS, but if you are, it is woefully inadequate. I have accessed mine through voluntary organisations that don't make a charge.
    The counsellor I am currently seeing, who has been the most helpful, I accessed via an organisation known as the Freedom Project. It is for women who are experiencing abuse, whether it is emotional, verbal, psychological, physical, financial or sexual. You could google it and see if there is a group in your area. I found them very helpful, and very aware of the need to be discrete. I don't know if all groups offer counselling, I think that is one of their aims. Hopefully you will find some appropriate help soon.

    1. Hi,
      I can't find the Freedom Project, (but I did find ThinkLikeABlackBelt. Very very interesting reading). Can you send me a link? I was going to write last night, but got too tired. Will try again this evening.

    2. Hi, sorry, it's the Freedom Programme:
      Four books have also helped me, because I now see things much more clearly and I respond differently to BOJ. I used to try to understand, to make allowances, to keep the peace. My counsellor kept saying to me 'yes, but where are you in all this?' answer - nowhere. My needs were/are not being met.
      The books:
      The best, the one that led to the epiphany that changed my life is

      the next best, that led me gently to question my attitudes to what was happening to me is


      helped me to recognise inappropriate bullying behaviour. I was a people-pleaser and a total target for bullies.

      The last one is

      which helped me to recognise and understand the methods of manipulative people.

      I don't know all of your circumstances, but it seems to me that FW is at least verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. Any of these books would help you I think, but I think you would benefit from reading them all.

      There is quite a bit of information on the internet and on youtube, all of which has helped me.
      I wish you well

    3. Dear Carrie (you share a name with someone special in my life)

      Thank you for the info, I really appreciate it. I am going to try and be a bit more 'healing' for myself.

      I am not sure whether to continue with the phone counselling sessions as they are causing more grief than helping.

      And I need to stop procrastinating. There, I said it! lol.

      You are sweet to care. xx

    4. I have been helped in my recovery by people who have cared, and it's good to pay it forward.

      BOJ and I went to Relate which was unhelpful because the counsellor assumed she was dealing with a 'normal' man (wry and pained expression). One of my defence mechanisms when the abuse became unbearable was to close down, close in on myself. She viewed this as dysfunctional. The counsellor I am seeing now, recognises this a defence mechanism that is meant to keep me safe.

      You might try and contact Refuge and see if they offer any support like counselling if you don't find anything through Freedom.

      I would suggest that if the telephone counselling is causing grief, you would be wise to discontinue it. Counselling for me has been painful and difficult, but I could always see progress, and recognise that it was helpful. I have had 2 counsellors who I didn't see for long because they were no help at all. One suggested ways in which I could learn to become more patient ... WTF!!!!

      I think that part of procrastination is waiting until we are ready for the next step but - brutal truth alert! - no-one else will do it for you, you have to do it for yourself, however I don't think, in your situation, that healing is something you can do solely BY yourself. I worked on healing by myself for long periods, but I have seen 3 counsellors who each helped me to move forward to a place I couldn't have reached by myself. Each time it was a major change, but it was a major change within ME which altered my situation and relationships HAD to change as a result of that.

      Just now I am content, which is a big step forward from the shitty place I've come from. I continue to hold on to the hope that one day I will know what I feels like to be happy.

      So - stop procrastinating and take the first step towards a better life :-)



This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.