Thank you to Blods who asked me to keep on bloggin' (and to my other dear Commenters too) because of the lack of parity in Blogland.
There are a lot of happy blogs, I will confess I love them dearly and I also deeply deeply envy their beauty and joi de vivre.
I know there are some who have unhappy, stressful, day to day and past lives but who still blog happy because it gives them escape into a beautiful world. I do not blame them if they are able to do that.
I have written from the heart, to let out my feelings and I worry every time I hit the publish button whether there are some dark souls who will leave a nasty comment and how it would affect me.
I feel very much, sometimes, whether "as ye sow, so shall ye reap" and agonise whether I am at fault, have not been a good mother and wife, that I should have been a better friend, sister etc.
Every night when I settle down to sleep I visualise a different life, in a different house, with different daily schedules, but I dream horrible, busy dreams which scare me a little.
Every morning I wake and get on with the day, depending on my mood, black, dark grey, grey, or occasionally (for a few brief hours sometime) a soft blue that will enable me to be efficient, to cope, and to get on top of domesticity.
I used to be so good at organising, cleaning, thinking, but now I am the Queen of Procrastination, the Duchess of Doom, the Countess of Not Caring.
I have to make some (relatively) small financial decisions, which I have thought about, written pros and cons on paper and have a deadline. But every choice I have ever chosen, every decision I have ever made has come back to haunt me, has bitten me on the arse. And being a Gemini this does not come easy; to do this or that, buy that over the other, go this way or that way.
A couple of days ago I received a solicitors letter saying that as a beneficiary of an aunt's will I (and the other 15 or so nieces and nephews I presume) will inherit her portion of her friend's (?) will. How nice, though it will probably be about £28.50 so I won't get too excited. It was very odd though as the first envelope I opened was from a luxury travel company and I thought someone was taking the piss! Then I opened the solicitor envelope and it all became clear.
If there is enough to pay some off the credit card bill I will be content (a relatively small £1500 but to me, who is old fashioned and hate owing money, a fortune). Obviously I am on the mortgage and as a director of The FW's business there is my name on a smallish business bank loan and the money we have to pay the accountant (a court case because The FW is a fuckwit).
The FW is busy busy writing letters to the banks (I have lost track of what and why) and their associated debt collection agencies. We are in the right as to some of the issues and yet there is a feeling that he is partly to blame for the problems and I would rather we should sell the house, the van (I must not forget when the van is sold our eldest son must be paid back first and foremost, I went apeshit when I found out he had borrowed from our son!) and a whole lot of other stuff and downsize to a more manageable (for me) house and live a financially quieter life. I am small, I think small, I like small.
I am going to get up now and deal with Wednesday, The FW is off to his aquatherapy (still makes my blood boil!), both sons are at their work and the kid is at school, so I will have an hour and a half to myself. I will crochet and eat scrambled eggs. (I won't make a bitchy comment about the 52 weeks of happy that is trending at the moment!).
See you later,