Sugarman.........

I have just been blown away by BBC4's Looking for Sugarman (Rodriguez) documentary/film this evening......

of course if I was a clever person I would add a musical/film clip type thingie......

but I'm not so you will have to search yourselves, it will be worth it and I'm happy to wait.


In the meantime, there has been a short interval for

• a bout of the blues 
• some financial concerns and decisions made
• a 60th celebration for best friend where her boyfriend kinda insulted me
• a bout of the greys
• a funeral  (Danny Williams 'Moon River' oh my)
• and subsequent trip to florist with a complaint (unlike MiLs funeral where the tribute they made was beautiful) and a 50% reduction which will be donated to the Alzheimers charity in FiL's name.

So, there we are, a tad overwhelmed, a mite concerned, a little less.

xx

pictures of stuff next time, maybe

Not sure how to begin......(Reunited with Mum)

so I'll jump right in to say that Dad (that's Father in law) is sinking fast.

Dad has Alzheimers and has had this for about 9 years and has been on Arisept from the beginning.  He deteriorated quickly in the past three months and has had a stroke recently and now has a chest infection.  He is on morphine now and the end is very near.

We may (probably) won't see him at the end as I don't feel able to insist on going to the care home in the middle of the night (this night) as I did with Mum (Mother in law) only a short time ago (Mum passed away in the early hours of 5 Feb this year).  Husband does not want to go, just as he did not want to go and therefore did not stay at his mother's side when she passed.

As I sat with him after the phone call (at the same time as before, spookily) he said he wanted to carry on and go to his little handyman job tomorrow and that "no-one could criticize me for not going" which I thought was an odd thing to say.

Today has been an intense day for me (long hospital appt with best friend) so I am knackered and have toothache as well.  So I am in bed not sleeping, thinking a lot and wondering whether to continue with my plans and obligations for Wednesday as usual.

On the one hand I have sympathy for husband* in losing both parents so quickly, on the other he was not interested in visiting for visiting's sake and he gave lipservice to grief in the days after losing Mum.

When I attempted to comfort him after the phone call he avoided me so I sat to one side and tried to find the words of sympathy, without outwardly saying "get off your arse and don't let your sister go through this again without one of her brothers with her".  I did not feel able to say "take me up there and I will stay" -  just as I did with Mum - I wussed out and now I feel bad.

Tomorrow neither of us will be home to take the call when it comes and I bet if he gets the call on his mobile he probably won't call me.

It will be an odd day.

But I will be speaking to his sister at some point to apologise for not going this time.

There is deeper guilt in all this and I will be honest and say that all the previous anguish within husband's family about the house being sold for their care home fees is ironic because now most of it is still in the bank** and therefore available for the inheritances!***

Good night and I will see you soon xx


Dad passed away at 1.30am Thurs 8 May, 13 weeks after Mum.


* Note that I feel unable to use his normal nickname at the moment.

** Mum had money in the bank for the first time in her life, never got to appreciate/spend it and had it for only 4 months, then her half of the house went back to Dad, (though I have no idea when or how because it is none of my concern,  but I expect sister in law's husband knows every little thing *wink*).

*** Not mine, I hasten to add, this is for the grandchildren and the three remaining children.  One of whom was honest and spoke up about losing his inheritance when the decisions were being made about selling the house and paying for care homes.

Creeping.....

The depression is creeping up on me again.

It's scarier this time because there is no hormonal/menopausal fug to blame it on.

I will try to fight it.

x

In arrears..............

I owe you all a blog post, a big one probably.

So much has been happening, some good, some not so.

Lots of interesting thoughts and mental 'writing' that gets forgotten whilst shopping and cleaning loos.

Daughter's birthday - 17 (what!!)

Hospital visit  - mulling over a letter (clarification, not complaint lol)

etc

etc

Have a picture, on account.

Dearest Mother-in-law's funeral tributes.

That's all for the moment.  I have been reading and occasional commenting on other blogs.  But now I have to get up (carefully, as now I have lower back pain, ouch) and pretend to be mummy/wifey and take care of everyone else.

x

Unexpected

Life has been somewhat interesting of late..........

• We had an bereavement totally out of the blue, I will write more of this another time.
• The menopausal headfug is lifting a little, the dimmer switch on the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned up a couple of notches yay.
• Financial fuckwittery has not been pleasant.  All the money I had paid off the credit card* last year has been wiped out in two short weeks, grrrrr.
• Dearest, darling daughter is so, so, so much better due to the wonderful counsellor (and probably natural growing-up too), she is a joy.  
• The weather - yikes.
• Disillusioned with Best Friend, we will still always be friends (probably) but well, it is hard to explain but  'fings ain't wot they used ter be' if you get my drift.  As well as the long periods of time without communicating** when we did speak she said something dismissive and deeply upsetting about Depression (I knew there was something there in previous phone calls we had had).
• Poorly ageing doggie (fleas too, yuk).  He is ten (what!!) and is showing signs of arthritis.  He had a sudden flare up and was shivering and internally growling, luckily the tail was still wagging so I knew it wasn't a stroke.  Scared daughter so much she said to him "you had better not die too or I'll kill you".  Poor love.  A couple of days of junior aspirin put him right, or at least until a week later he flew out the catflap again and hurt himself.  So funny seeing a little dog doing the "dot and carry one" walk.  We can't afford the vet so I will have to drag The FW to the PDSA soon (unless I can take him on the train - the dog not the fw lol).
• An emotionally distressed niece.  Now diagnosed with a Personality Disorder.  I have been acting as mediator between her and her mother. Not fun.
• Lots of things involved with the bereavement.
• Haven't been able to get to the horses as much as I would like, and now my friend has to move to an Assisted Livery.  This is due to the land being sold to the Russians (who are taking over the little village and adjacent hamlet too, they have bought the pub and lots of adjacent land).  So I will be just visiting instead of helping.  The rain has been interesting.
• Trying to teach 40/50 year knitters to crochet - not easy!
• Thinking about opening an Etsy shop to sell my vintage dolls house furniture and houses.  Just thinking at the moment.  Or the local indoor boot fair maybe.  I am not a natural seller.  Purchasing though, I do very well indeed.  Have recently spent money on yarn that I shouldn't have.  Though this was before the financial shenanigans.
• Lots of crochet - and knitting too - wonders will never cease!!
• Lots and LOTS of blog reading, I need lessons how to update my blog, pretty it up and make it work and look better.

this is an old photo, (I need to take and upload more)

Okay, it's time to get up and do stuff, mountains of washing, housewifery, meeting best friend (testing the waters), collecting train tickets yadda yadda.

Welcome to my new follower, I did notice you arrive and I apologise for not saying hello before. Hello, hello, would you like a biscuit?
 
Love you, and I promise not to leave it too long next time.

* house hold bill payments - NOT handbag purchases
** I made a point of Not phoning her to see when (and indeed if) she would contact me, which sounds petty but in reality isn't.

Still fightin' it.............oh and Happy New Year to All

1. FW fixing boiler with a slight mood on 'cos his local (ahem in the next village 4 miles up the road) is closing down* and he is staying in for New Years!!!
2. The realisation that 'other' contact is still going on.  Will keep you posted.
3. Titting about instead of tidying up.
4. Am determined to de-clutter etc in prep - for what...who knows!
5. Tons more stick picking after the last couple of stormy days, the field is gloopy so am in danger of losing my wellies with every step. 

nearly finished (on xmas eve) present for daughter's friend

lush xmas cake made by son's friend-who-is-a-girl

I couldn't quite manage to clear this particular stick

At the moment I am in bed with the tv on (Dara O'Brian and then maybe Gary Barlow) trying to stay awake, or indeed sleep, until 2014 begins.  Just as he came in from the cabin in the garden I announced I was going to bed.  I really really couldn't keep my eyes open.  So he is down there sulking.  Who cares?

The boys are out with their friends - good, they have a bit of a life.

Friends, I am hoping next year is better.

xx

* The Russians are taking over the next village buying up the land/pub etc.  The Russian Olympic Horses were kept in the posh livery there.

A (brief) Christmas Post

Merry Christmas to you

And I sincerely hope for A Happy New Year

No tinsel this year as the cat has started eating it!

This time last year was one of the saddest times of my life

I have felt, in recent weeks, so much better

I pray God it continues 

Thank you all for making me feel less invisible

and enabling me to unload my burden a little

I hope to write of nicer things (and share pics too) next year

Love

Susan

x