Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Not sure how to begin......(Reunited with Mum)

so I'll jump right in to say that Dad (that's Father in law) is sinking fast.

Dad has Alzheimers and has had this for about 9 years and has been on Arisept from the beginning.  He deteriorated quickly in the past three months and has had a stroke recently and now has a chest infection.  He is on morphine now and the end is very near.

We may (probably) won't see him at the end as I don't feel able to insist on going to the care home in the middle of the night (this night) as I did with Mum (Mother in law) only a short time ago (Mum passed away in the early hours of 5 Feb this year).  Husband does not want to go, just as he did not want to go and therefore did not stay at his mother's side when she passed.

As I sat with him after the phone call (at the same time as before, spookily) he said he wanted to carry on and go to his little handyman job tomorrow and that "no-one could criticize me for not going" which I thought was an odd thing to say.

Today has been an intense day for me (long hospital appt with best friend) so I am knackered and have toothache as well.  So I am in bed not sleeping, thinking a lot and wondering whether to continue with my plans and obligations for Wednesday as usual.

On the one hand I have sympathy for husband* in losing both parents so quickly, on the other he was not interested in visiting for visiting's sake and he gave lipservice to grief in the days after losing Mum.

When I attempted to comfort him after the phone call he avoided me so I sat to one side and tried to find the words of sympathy, without outwardly saying "get off your arse and don't let your sister go through this again without one of her brothers with her".  I did not feel able to say "take me up there and I will stay" -  just as I did with Mum - I wussed out and now I feel bad.

Tomorrow neither of us will be home to take the call when it comes and I bet if he gets the call on his mobile he probably won't call me.

It will be an odd day.

But I will be speaking to his sister at some point to apologise for not going this time.

There is deeper guilt in all this and I will be honest and say that all the previous anguish within husband's family about the house being sold for their care home fees is ironic because now most of it is still in the bank** and therefore available for the inheritances!***

Good night and I will see you soon xx

Dad passed away at 1.30am Thurs 8 May, 13 weeks after Mum.

* Note that I feel unable to use his normal nickname at the moment.

** Mum had money in the bank for the first time in her life, never got to appreciate/spend it and had it for only 4 months, then her half of the house went back to Dad, (though I have no idea when or how because it is none of my concern,  but I expect sister in law's husband knows every little thing *wink*).

*** Not mine, I hasten to add, this is for the grandchildren and the three remaining children.  One of whom was honest and spoke up about losing his inheritance when the decisions were being made about selling the house and paying for care homes.

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This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
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