Sorry could not write anything for a while, there has been a major hormone swell this week. This sucks my brain right out of my skull and couldn't have picked a worse time for this to happen.
Not to mention my son (who came off the citalopram too soon too quickly) having a massive dip as well. Luckily he asked for help, went to docs and also told his boss and director who were very understanding and gave him a week of unpaid leave. He is still in his induction period, but as he works in the caring field there is a lot of understanding, and praise too because he talked to them instead of just carrying on and then falling apart as so many others do.
I am feeling a mite better and able to function and be crochet creative too. go me.
Bye for now,
from the slightly more hairy hobbit woman (bleh)
x
PS Son is feeling better now.
PPS there is a slight rumour (also my daughter saw him in his car drive in the gates) that a certain ex-Eastenders Mitchell brother has moved in at the bottom of my road (though why he would pick this crappy town I do not know, maybe he got a lot of house for his money). That accounts for the very discreet and gorgeous works that has been going on at the loverly old house that I walk past sometimes. I may become a stalker.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Bits and bobs.
Sorry about the delay, it is hard to be motivated to write (what, again, you say).
I am not keen on this inbetweeny time, the decs are still up but not appreciated. I cannot wait to take them down. I must photograph the tree 'tho as it looks pretty great. There are still bits and pieces hanging about that I really want to put away but can't be bothered.
Next year is sorted as I went out last Thursday and got some half price cards and paper and a diary for 29p. Today I had an unscheduled visit to town and ended up with two jacketty/cardigan things from the charity shop (a total of £6.50 woohoo) and some books because I cannot face reading another crime thriller (even though they have been my favourite for so long, maybe because the bad guy gets caught and justice prevails!!).
I have some crochet commissions that I cannot wait to start (have started lol) and have spent a fair bit on some yarn from the Netherlands, very gorgeous colours and spent over the budget, what the hell. Just after that my laptop charger started playing up and I shall have to buy another cheapo. bugger. And the battery only has about an hour charge on it, so I must budget for that too.
I am a little concerned about middle son, he is drooping a bit and considering going back on citalopram and is also still suffering from this really bad sore throat/cold/cough. He is not usually ill but this has been nearly three weeks. It is dragging him down.
My eldest is still working on his scholarship and it seems cannot wait to move out if he gets it. He is the least able to live in the real world. Although he is super-clever he cannot seem to be able to cook, remember to get up in the morning and has no concept of time. I have worried about this but maybe I have to learn to let things go. I will try.
We are going to visit MiL and Fil tomorrow and daughter coming too as she hasn't seen them for a very long time.
Have not heard from BF even though I text everyone with New Year wishes (some even replied). When I do phone her (yes I know!) there will be a good reason why she hasn't phoned, some family disaster or illness. Genuine as well, 'tho she doesn't feel the need to tell me when it is happening so I can help, or listen at the time. She is ok to tell me later and then I feel guilty about not being clairvoyant and phoning earlier.
Also had a very unexpected text from my oldest brother. I have not spoken to him in about a year. He only lives about 40mins away but it seems like Outer Mongolia. I suspect it was a New Year greeting to everyone in his phone book even though it has not happened before. I have not replied yet. This is rude I know but I can't deal with stuff at the moment.
I had some super little gifts from friends (I love them). There is also a realisation that I cannot eat too many nuts and chocolate any more, as it gives me pain in my gallbladder (I think) area. I suspect that my super large bar of favourite choc will last many many weeks. Which is a good thing as I need to lose some weight.
On middle son's birthday we went to see The Hobbit, which was quite good in parts and marvellously good in other parts. The FW was pissed off (even though he did not want to see the film) and took daughter out for an Indian meal. Whilst we had a cheapy macdonalds on the way home. My brother drove us and was a bit grumpy about it, even though I paid for his ticket. The FW goes to the pub every single night, but if I go out just once a year and eat out (macdonalds still counts as eating out in his mind) he will reward himself and take one of our kids too, then drop them home and go up the pub. Which is interesting as daughter will go to pub with him now and again and eldest son will go about once a week or so. But if I go out alone with one or more kids then that is wrong. How, I am not clear, but that's the way it is. He used to be like this when daughter was younger and we went out with friends. He was working 6 days a weeks and didn't want to go out at all, but did not like me going out even during the day when he was at work, even if I sorted the meal out so that we could stay at the seaside longer (we did not have any holidays so a day at the beach was like a week in the south of France), he would make a fuss about phoning to ask what was going on. Every time.
He is now saying he is going to sell his model railway stuff to 'pay the bills' . That will be interesting to see. If he makes say, £200, then he will probably give me £50 for a bill (which will be a small percentage of it) then have to keep the rest for himself. Which is fair enough as it is his possessions he is selling, but if he did not go up the pub every night and a meal out every 5 or 6 weeks, then he would probably not need to sell his stuff. I can't be bothered to explain any of this to him as he immediately does or thinks the opposite to what I say.
I am going to try to be motivated to sell my stuff to pay off the credit card. I don't owe that much really but I hate being in debt at all. I have vintage dolls houses and furniture to sell and some pretty bric a brac (love that phrase!), I need to try and organise my time and not spend so long reading blogs, even though it is my second favourite thing to do, the first favourite being crochet. So I am off to crochet a baby shawl (in boring white, yuk) 'til I get sleepy.
Night y'all.
xx
I am not keen on this inbetweeny time, the decs are still up but not appreciated. I cannot wait to take them down. I must photograph the tree 'tho as it looks pretty great. There are still bits and pieces hanging about that I really want to put away but can't be bothered.
Next year is sorted as I went out last Thursday and got some half price cards and paper and a diary for 29p. Today I had an unscheduled visit to town and ended up with two jacketty/cardigan things from the charity shop (a total of £6.50 woohoo) and some books because I cannot face reading another crime thriller (even though they have been my favourite for so long, maybe because the bad guy gets caught and justice prevails!!).
I have some crochet commissions that I cannot wait to start (have started lol) and have spent a fair bit on some yarn from the Netherlands, very gorgeous colours and spent over the budget, what the hell. Just after that my laptop charger started playing up and I shall have to buy another cheapo. bugger. And the battery only has about an hour charge on it, so I must budget for that too.
I am a little concerned about middle son, he is drooping a bit and considering going back on citalopram and is also still suffering from this really bad sore throat/cold/cough. He is not usually ill but this has been nearly three weeks. It is dragging him down.
My eldest is still working on his scholarship and it seems cannot wait to move out if he gets it. He is the least able to live in the real world. Although he is super-clever he cannot seem to be able to cook, remember to get up in the morning and has no concept of time. I have worried about this but maybe I have to learn to let things go. I will try.
We are going to visit MiL and Fil tomorrow and daughter coming too as she hasn't seen them for a very long time.
Have not heard from BF even though I text everyone with New Year wishes (some even replied). When I do phone her (yes I know!) there will be a good reason why she hasn't phoned, some family disaster or illness. Genuine as well, 'tho she doesn't feel the need to tell me when it is happening so I can help, or listen at the time. She is ok to tell me later and then I feel guilty about not being clairvoyant and phoning earlier.
Also had a very unexpected text from my oldest brother. I have not spoken to him in about a year. He only lives about 40mins away but it seems like Outer Mongolia. I suspect it was a New Year greeting to everyone in his phone book even though it has not happened before. I have not replied yet. This is rude I know but I can't deal with stuff at the moment.
I had some super little gifts from friends (I love them). There is also a realisation that I cannot eat too many nuts and chocolate any more, as it gives me pain in my gallbladder (I think) area. I suspect that my super large bar of favourite choc will last many many weeks. Which is a good thing as I need to lose some weight.
On middle son's birthday we went to see The Hobbit, which was quite good in parts and marvellously good in other parts. The FW was pissed off (even though he did not want to see the film) and took daughter out for an Indian meal. Whilst we had a cheapy macdonalds on the way home. My brother drove us and was a bit grumpy about it, even though I paid for his ticket. The FW goes to the pub every single night, but if I go out just once a year and eat out (macdonalds still counts as eating out in his mind) he will reward himself and take one of our kids too, then drop them home and go up the pub. Which is interesting as daughter will go to pub with him now and again and eldest son will go about once a week or so. But if I go out alone with one or more kids then that is wrong. How, I am not clear, but that's the way it is. He used to be like this when daughter was younger and we went out with friends. He was working 6 days a weeks and didn't want to go out at all, but did not like me going out even during the day when he was at work, even if I sorted the meal out so that we could stay at the seaside longer (we did not have any holidays so a day at the beach was like a week in the south of France), he would make a fuss about phoning to ask what was going on. Every time.
He is now saying he is going to sell his model railway stuff to 'pay the bills' . That will be interesting to see. If he makes say, £200, then he will probably give me £50 for a bill (which will be a small percentage of it) then have to keep the rest for himself. Which is fair enough as it is his possessions he is selling, but if he did not go up the pub every night and a meal out every 5 or 6 weeks, then he would probably not need to sell his stuff. I can't be bothered to explain any of this to him as he immediately does or thinks the opposite to what I say.
I am going to try to be motivated to sell my stuff to pay off the credit card. I don't owe that much really but I hate being in debt at all. I have vintage dolls houses and furniture to sell and some pretty bric a brac (love that phrase!), I need to try and organise my time and not spend so long reading blogs, even though it is my second favourite thing to do, the first favourite being crochet. So I am off to crochet a baby shawl (in boring white, yuk) 'til I get sleepy.
Night y'all.
xx
Monday, 31 December 2012
Friday, 28 December 2012
The Half-hearted Post
Even though there is stuff to say, I am struggling to find the words.
Daughter is fine, finer than fine I should say. Which is good. For myself I am still feeling a bit flat. Not as bad as the worst times, but still a little low.
Considering the stress and negative mood of Christmas Eve and Day in the kitchen, this is not surprising.
There was some aggressive body language and facial expressions. I have not experienced this before. It took me a moment to realise what they were. After these moments it was falsely calm and careful words were spoken to me, as if he was trying to gloss over it. I ended up by just letting him do what he wanted, use what he liked without guiding him to the right utensils, or what I would normally do the other 364 days of the year. He will not ask where things are or what is the easiest item to use for each task. And makes a hideous mess!
He took over my kitchen and the most of the food prep. Which in normal households is a good thing. But it was concerning me about his attitude with raw chicken (considering he will use a new water glass every time he takes tablets in case a fly walks round the rim, using between 4 and 6 a day), I was sanitising frequently when he left raw chicken to defrost on a flat board and the juices ran on the worktop, then he moved it around dripping on the floor, then wiped the blade he used to cut with on plain paper towels. And got really cross with me because I kept wiping round with antibacterial spray.
I spent most of Christmas Day in the kitchen. (We ate later than normal because son worked til 3). Although he did a lot of prep and cooking I still did a lot. Then he and my younger brother went to pub for about a short while. He hasn't done that since 1985. After dinner the clearing up took ages. It all felt awkward as if I was an interloper in my own kitchen.
Niece and her boyfriend (a lovely, loyal young man) came round Christmas Eve just after one experience and I was still a bit shaken. I told her of my feelings around her mum, that I felt I was losing her and she reassured me strongly that it was not so, that her mum thought and spoke of me. I was glad because she has been in my life 32 years. I broke down a little and we had a cuddle. My niece has never seen me like that even in the worst times, I think she was a little unnerved by it. I also spoke of my concern for her brother and my impression that he may be 'self medicating'. I regretted saying it though.
He is also miffed because although he and daughter do not want to see The Hobbit, it is middle son's birthday (24) tomorrow and he wants to go to pictures (which is how we have spent his birthday for the last 10 years) he says that they are being excluded from son's birthday, even though we will all have breakfast and present (few though they are) opening time together, then later on birthday cake before the pics. My younger brother is driving us to pics because he wants to see the film and we may have a quick MaccyD's after. To keep the peace I may suggest seeing if there is another film on at the same time.
It almost feels like although he doesn't want to see the film, we should not be going out without him, even though he has started taking daughter out to pub without talking to me about it first. The first I hear is when she appears at the tv room door at 9pm saying "is dad ready yet"! Double standards.
In the days of money, we used to see a film, then have a meal after, The FW used to pay (and then slyly mention how much it cost, which for the five of us was a lot), and there was a couple of times at least when would say "and who is paying for this", to which I would reply "well if you're not, then I am", and he would either let me and 'forget' to repay me after or just resolutely watch me get the credit card out, even though he was earning and I wasn't at the time.
In this instance I have booked the tickets online and the kids have said they will pay for their tickets, but, you know, I feel bad taking their money. I am telling myself that birthday son should not have to pay, the girlfriend only got a token xmas present even though she gave us all gifts, so shouldn't really pay, and brother is driving us there so really only eldest son (student ticket) really should pay up. I can't really afford it but have been hedging when they ask how much to give me.
(You know all this stuff is what I would talk about with BF on the phone but we don't chat much now and he listens in anyway. Which is sometimes useful when I want him to get the message about something).
So, just get through tomorrow, which will feel as if it is all about him and not son, then I have a few weeks before it is The FW's birthday which will be awkward what with birthday card/present etc.
Thanks for listening, my friends,
x
Daughter is fine, finer than fine I should say. Which is good. For myself I am still feeling a bit flat. Not as bad as the worst times, but still a little low.
Considering the stress and negative mood of Christmas Eve and Day in the kitchen, this is not surprising.
There was some aggressive body language and facial expressions. I have not experienced this before. It took me a moment to realise what they were. After these moments it was falsely calm and careful words were spoken to me, as if he was trying to gloss over it. I ended up by just letting him do what he wanted, use what he liked without guiding him to the right utensils, or what I would normally do the other 364 days of the year. He will not ask where things are or what is the easiest item to use for each task. And makes a hideous mess!
He took over my kitchen and the most of the food prep. Which in normal households is a good thing. But it was concerning me about his attitude with raw chicken (considering he will use a new water glass every time he takes tablets in case a fly walks round the rim, using between 4 and 6 a day), I was sanitising frequently when he left raw chicken to defrost on a flat board and the juices ran on the worktop, then he moved it around dripping on the floor, then wiped the blade he used to cut with on plain paper towels. And got really cross with me because I kept wiping round with antibacterial spray.
I spent most of Christmas Day in the kitchen. (We ate later than normal because son worked til 3). Although he did a lot of prep and cooking I still did a lot. Then he and my younger brother went to pub for about a short while. He hasn't done that since 1985. After dinner the clearing up took ages. It all felt awkward as if I was an interloper in my own kitchen.
Niece and her boyfriend (a lovely, loyal young man) came round Christmas Eve just after one experience and I was still a bit shaken. I told her of my feelings around her mum, that I felt I was losing her and she reassured me strongly that it was not so, that her mum thought and spoke of me. I was glad because she has been in my life 32 years. I broke down a little and we had a cuddle. My niece has never seen me like that even in the worst times, I think she was a little unnerved by it. I also spoke of my concern for her brother and my impression that he may be 'self medicating'. I regretted saying it though.
He is also miffed because although he and daughter do not want to see The Hobbit, it is middle son's birthday (24) tomorrow and he wants to go to pictures (which is how we have spent his birthday for the last 10 years) he says that they are being excluded from son's birthday, even though we will all have breakfast and present (few though they are) opening time together, then later on birthday cake before the pics. My younger brother is driving us to pics because he wants to see the film and we may have a quick MaccyD's after. To keep the peace I may suggest seeing if there is another film on at the same time.
It almost feels like although he doesn't want to see the film, we should not be going out without him, even though he has started taking daughter out to pub without talking to me about it first. The first I hear is when she appears at the tv room door at 9pm saying "is dad ready yet"! Double standards.
In the days of money, we used to see a film, then have a meal after, The FW used to pay (and then slyly mention how much it cost, which for the five of us was a lot), and there was a couple of times at least when would say "and who is paying for this", to which I would reply "well if you're not, then I am", and he would either let me and 'forget' to repay me after or just resolutely watch me get the credit card out, even though he was earning and I wasn't at the time.
In this instance I have booked the tickets online and the kids have said they will pay for their tickets, but, you know, I feel bad taking their money. I am telling myself that birthday son should not have to pay, the girlfriend only got a token xmas present even though she gave us all gifts, so shouldn't really pay, and brother is driving us there so really only eldest son (student ticket) really should pay up. I can't really afford it but have been hedging when they ask how much to give me.
(You know all this stuff is what I would talk about with BF on the phone but we don't chat much now and he listens in anyway. Which is sometimes useful when I want him to get the message about something).
So, just get through tomorrow, which will feel as if it is all about him and not son, then I have a few weeks before it is The FW's birthday which will be awkward what with birthday card/present etc.
Thanks for listening, my friends,
x
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Hi there
I hope everyone has had a lovely day.
Tomorrow I may write about today and yesterday.
I truly appreciate everyone who reads this and I would like to say hello to my two new followers, Carol and Pretty vintage roses.
I am doubting myself and am concerned about bumming people out with my whimpering. On the other hand it brings some relief to my worrisome head.
My daughter is happy and light and free. I am thankful for this.
The day is nearly over.
I am glad.
x
Tomorrow I may write about today and yesterday.
I truly appreciate everyone who reads this and I would like to say hello to my two new followers, Carol and Pretty vintage roses.
I am doubting myself and am concerned about bumming people out with my whimpering. On the other hand it brings some relief to my worrisome head.
My daughter is happy and light and free. I am thankful for this.
The day is nearly over.
I am glad.
x
Monday, 24 December 2012
Well, I am obliged to say
A Very Merry Christmas to One and All
but without being pooky about it, what I really mean is, have the very best Christmas you can have under the circumstances.
It is an awful shame but I know there are happy families, with brilliant annual traditions and the marvellous shops and the wherewithal to purchase marvellous things in the aforementioned marvellous shops and the absolutely wonderful family and friend get-togethers and a jolly mince pie is being had by all.
But......
I am being a total grumpypants (and I have joked with a friend or two and apologised to my children (one of whom has flu) about being a grumpypants but having no money and living in a shit town, being married to a total fuckwit is a grind.
An old friend who I have known for 40 years popped by yesterday and said well at least you are not in a wheelchair or drooling, your life isn't so bad, so, I told her about the latest shite and shocked her. Yep, ain't I a bitch.
I went to bed before 10 with ideas to write about having a 'good enough' Christmas and slipped into reading Yarn Harlot (I went to the very beginning in 2004!!!) then got dozy and switched off, and watched Victoria Wood documentary and fell asleep and woke up when The FW, eldest and daughter came home from pub (I'll try and remember to tell about that), and so then I was awake at 2am with these words buzzing and knew I had to let them out.
I am pretty sure that at some point people are not gonna want to read about my mumblings and grumblings when a) there are far worse situations in this world and b) don't drag down the Happys, they don't deserve it.
I see the adverts/read the annual church service leaflet and have blessed thoughts about attending, knowing I will be too busy/exhausted to go/and listen and read about normal people (mentioned above), knowing that our greater family are getting together and having happy times and we are not invited.
I have never eaten dinner on Christmay Day that I have not cooked myself since I left home 30 years ago. The FW's family have shared Christmas and summer holidays and birthdays and weddings etc and we are not welcome or at best tolerated when they can't get away with leaving us out. Which begs the question, are we horrible people?
Well, no, actually. My children are praised by all who know them and yet The FW's family barely realise this. My friends love me because I make them laugh and I listen, really listen to them when they talk and I always offer consolation, praise and uplifting words when needed. Again The FW's family dislike me so much they are not aware and when I try to offer words when they tell me their bad stuff (which is about 1% on the Scale of Bad) they reject them and seem offended. Which I truly cannot fathom out. And as for being funny they really, really don't get the wordplay and comedy asides at all. But they laugh uproariously at their own loud, longwinded commentary. And, (this drives me batshit) they overtalk you when in conversation, as if I am not speaking or that their stuff is far more relevant.
In the past I have been aware I am gauche and am made to feel badly brought up but, you know I have realised they are far more badly behaved, like commenting loudly at the dinner table about how much salt (I know) I use which makes me put my knife and fork down and not eat another bite. And the loud overtalking. Yes they are a largish family but my my parents had 5 of us (4 for them) and we never tried to outdo each other in conversation (at the table or not).
I manage every time to make a faux pas, however slight or misunderstood and know that will be taken as a deliberate offence. It is as if they set out to wrong-foot me and hold back information so that I make a mistake.
I have an amazing capacity for inducing hatred in women who do not know me. The evil scowl the neighbour throws my way (even while she is speaking tenderly to grandchild). Only once in the 13 years we have lived here have I spoken up (10 years in) when she was badly aggravating my dog, apart from that nothing. When I realised early on that they hated us I decided to turn the other cheek and take in their parcels, speak politely when necessary, but still, the force of the glare is disturbing.
Truly, dear readers, I apologise for the heavy stuff I have just laid on you (and still no pics!) at this light, happy time of year.
I have a wish for Christmas, please if you are listening, you who dish out the Lovely and Pretty and Happy, could I please have a teeny bit for a little while. I would pass it on and write happy, uplifting, smiley words.
Thank you for listening.
Blessings for a Good New Year to everyone.
x
but without being pooky about it, what I really mean is, have the very best Christmas you can have under the circumstances.
It is an awful shame but I know there are happy families, with brilliant annual traditions and the marvellous shops and the wherewithal to purchase marvellous things in the aforementioned marvellous shops and the absolutely wonderful family and friend get-togethers and a jolly mince pie is being had by all.
But......
I am being a total grumpypants (and I have joked with a friend or two and apologised to my children (one of whom has flu) about being a grumpypants but having no money and living in a shit town, being married to a total fuckwit is a grind.
An old friend who I have known for 40 years popped by yesterday and said well at least you are not in a wheelchair or drooling, your life isn't so bad, so, I told her about the latest shite and shocked her. Yep, ain't I a bitch.
I went to bed before 10 with ideas to write about having a 'good enough' Christmas and slipped into reading Yarn Harlot (I went to the very beginning in 2004!!!) then got dozy and switched off, and watched Victoria Wood documentary and fell asleep and woke up when The FW, eldest and daughter came home from pub (I'll try and remember to tell about that), and so then I was awake at 2am with these words buzzing and knew I had to let them out.
I am pretty sure that at some point people are not gonna want to read about my mumblings and grumblings when a) there are far worse situations in this world and b) don't drag down the Happys, they don't deserve it.
I see the adverts/read the annual church service leaflet and have blessed thoughts about attending, knowing I will be too busy/exhausted to go/and listen and read about normal people (mentioned above), knowing that our greater family are getting together and having happy times and we are not invited.
I have never eaten dinner on Christmay Day that I have not cooked myself since I left home 30 years ago. The FW's family have shared Christmas and summer holidays and birthdays and weddings etc and we are not welcome or at best tolerated when they can't get away with leaving us out. Which begs the question, are we horrible people?
Well, no, actually. My children are praised by all who know them and yet The FW's family barely realise this. My friends love me because I make them laugh and I listen, really listen to them when they talk and I always offer consolation, praise and uplifting words when needed. Again The FW's family dislike me so much they are not aware and when I try to offer words when they tell me their bad stuff (which is about 1% on the Scale of Bad) they reject them and seem offended. Which I truly cannot fathom out. And as for being funny they really, really don't get the wordplay and comedy asides at all. But they laugh uproariously at their own loud, longwinded commentary. And, (this drives me batshit) they overtalk you when in conversation, as if I am not speaking or that their stuff is far more relevant.
In the past I have been aware I am gauche and am made to feel badly brought up but, you know I have realised they are far more badly behaved, like commenting loudly at the dinner table about how much salt (I know) I use which makes me put my knife and fork down and not eat another bite. And the loud overtalking. Yes they are a largish family but my my parents had 5 of us (4 for them) and we never tried to outdo each other in conversation (at the table or not).
I manage every time to make a faux pas, however slight or misunderstood and know that will be taken as a deliberate offence. It is as if they set out to wrong-foot me and hold back information so that I make a mistake.
I have an amazing capacity for inducing hatred in women who do not know me. The evil scowl the neighbour throws my way (even while she is speaking tenderly to grandchild). Only once in the 13 years we have lived here have I spoken up (10 years in) when she was badly aggravating my dog, apart from that nothing. When I realised early on that they hated us I decided to turn the other cheek and take in their parcels, speak politely when necessary, but still, the force of the glare is disturbing.
Truly, dear readers, I apologise for the heavy stuff I have just laid on you (and still no pics!) at this light, happy time of year.
I have a wish for Christmas, please if you are listening, you who dish out the Lovely and Pretty and Happy, could I please have a teeny bit for a little while. I would pass it on and write happy, uplifting, smiley words.
Thank you for listening.
Blessings for a Good New Year to everyone.
x
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