Not a Posh Bird

I am sorry to have been away for so long, y'know life and all that crap.

What have I been up to -

• Shopping for Prom shoes.
• Dealing with pre-menstrual teen (see above).
• Realising that I now have no children at school (it's been 23 years!!).
• Seeing my daughter go off to college summer school on her own at 7.30am, luckily she loves it.
• Sulking.
• Trying (and failing) to be less whiney.
• Not having a good birthday (no change there then).
• Eating an enormous amount of crap
• Wondering if I should be less ungrateful (even for the no gift from either best friend or husband - not that I want anything from him in truth.  A couple of years ago I gave best friend a patio set - I kid you not).
• Doing a whole lot of sweet FA.
• Not dealing with tidying/cleaning the house even though The FW wants his parents for tea which will also mean Big SiL and BiL as they both need care.  The house is now sold and we have more boxes of stuff crappin' up the place.
• Not finishing any crochet WiP (which are now UFOs).
• Wondering if I am still a human bean.
• Wearing a skirt as the sun has finally arrived.
• Getting sun burned walking the dog.
• Deciding the dog needs to see the vet, boy does he smell (the dog not the vet - smiley face).
• The FW has money and has started shopping for food and cooking it, you wanna see the fancy vittles we 'ave bin eatin'.  I am happy to not be in the kitchen.
• Having posh tea at Eastwell Manor with school friends and discussing our teenage daughters (7 between the four of us).  I took loads of pics but you know I am a techno-twit.
• Thanking John Gray for his comment on my last post.  A Celeb read me!
• Dropping the F-Bomb at posh tea - oops. Told you, not a posh bird.
• Wondering what will happen tomorrow with the hooha about blogging readers and such - will it affect me, will I care?

If I disappear, or indeed if you disappear....it was lovely knowing you all and thank you for your a sweet comments.  I expect to come out the other side hopefully unchanged but well, you never know do you?

PS today I have mostly been de-snailing the garden umbrella and then de-snotting it.  (25 of the little bastards at least!).  Not to self - do NOT leave it leaning against the fence in the rain. stupid.

Fluey

My five years are up and I have had a bout of flu.

I don't get ill very often and that's a good thing as I don't get cared for.

'Tho my daughter gave me her blanket for the sofa (whilst saying she wouldn't be using it again 'til after the exams 'cos of the germs!)  That girl channels her paternal grandmother -  if you had a slight headache she couldn't do enough for you but if you were dying of stomach bug or flu symptoms you died on your own.

The FW subconsciously does not make me tea or food when I am ill and is out of the house throughout the worst of it.  So it's a good job it's only every 5 years.

Here's a bit of news that would disturb the people who know me - I am not caring for Big Brother this year.  First time ever.  I am such a nosy person and I love people watching so I have always loved this show - even when it got more tacky and gross.  Although I haven't watched Celeb Big Bro for years, that's a step too far.

And I have lost my bloggy reading mojo.  Possibly because it is hard to see the beautiful places others live and their lovely walks and weekend breaks.  It is so hard when I have not left the house for more than 3 hours for the last 3 or 4 years (except for daughters hospital appointments).  This is not self pity (although it might be) this is fact.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and I will make the same amount of fuss as was made on Mother's Day. ie none.  I am sure the kids have sorted presents and cards for their dad and I will make the same roast dinner that I made on Mother's Day. 

The following day is my birthday and I have low expectations for that too.  The FW said he could manage a meal out at the local Harvester. yay.  It will be the usual Monday stuff.  Washing, ironing, clean out the cat poo! same, old same old...bring on the violins.

Surrendering.......

Today I have surrendered a little.

Decided to 'go with the flow'.

Not make any plans, or have any ideas.

Just get on with stuff.

A little 'home blessing'

(If cleaning the side alley and cat litter box/space as 'home blessing' lol)

I have to stop fighting the need to be alone, me time, whatever it is called.

There are people in the house most of the time and they come and go at will, with no planning, so that I may organise myself to go out, or not. 

I am subdued a little, suppressed even.

Daughter is quite happy and that is good.

Middle son is ok and that is good too.

Eldest is the same...as ever.

And The FW is still a fuckwit.

XX

In my Shell

Saturday before last I wrote quite an emotive post.  Thought I had published it and it turns out that because our internet connection was a bit 'iffy' that it has been sitting in Draft.  Perhaps it's just as well as there was a bit of financial indiscreetness going on.

As a result of the financial fuckwittery I have retreated back into my shell.

I don't like it here very much.  It is quite scary.  And lonely.

The FW has taken over my ebay account (originally just to sell the fishtank)  and would like the password to my paypal "to make printing labels easier".  Yeah.  Fuck Off.  I am hanging on to them apples, honey.   He is having a great spendy time with the money from the sale of the van.  Has not paid the bills that he promised to because he can't get online to do that yet (new bank account).  I have zoned them out, we are well past the deadline on those.  Whatever.

I have not spoken to Best Friend since her birthday on 22 May.  We spoke about my birthday (coming to a heartbreak hotel near you soon) and it turns out she won't be around  - again - which is quite irrelevant really as in the eleven years we have known each other she cannot get the date right.  She is either a day late or too soon in her social/holiday/boyfriend arrangements.  And often away.  Whatever.

I don't want to be too hard on her as her brother has prostrate cancer and her mother keeps getting taken to A&E in the middle of the night with lung infections, and then getting discharged in the middle of the night.  She is 85.

I am supposed to be reading and working with the 'Mindfulness' exercises from the local counselling service.  Although the girlie is quite nice, she is young and has 30 minutes to deal with a sobbing, barely coherent, utterly beaten down menopausal doormat.  On the Phone.  In Sainsbury's car park.  Marvellous.

If I am offered medication again, I am going to take it.  I don't want too, I am scared of long term meds (even though I am on perindopril - still haven't had the blood test - I know)  but I realise that to deal with life I have at the moment I am going to need help.  It is not fair on the kids.  Especially as The Youngest has come home from school today announcing that it's done, just the odd revision day and exam.  Just like that, a brief assembly and letter handed out, no last day shirt signing etc.  Cop out much?

Deep Sigh.

XX

I am still reading everyone's blogs.  Trying failing not to be envious.

Lusting after Jason Isaacs in Case Histories.  And Matthew Rhys in Americans.