Tuesday, 9 July 2013

A teeny bit scared

This is the understatement of the year.  I am full on peeing my pants terrified.  I shall explain...

On Saturday (which is the day all the shitty letters arrive, you may have noticed this yourself), I had a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions, hereafter known as 'The DWP', saying my Work Group appointment was on Wednesday at 9am.  What, wait, who!  Oh right, here it is then. As my *ahem* partner is on benefits (earning support allowance) it is MY reponsibility to look for work through them (aka the land of humiliation/despondency/overwhelming  expectations).  Otherwise he will lose the ESA.  So, I get more shit heaped on my head for Him.

These are the people who drove my son almost to suicide (and was making plans for it), he ended up in the mental health ward at the local hospital for a month.  This was a terrible time for our family.

I could have signed on a year ago, and chose not to, because I did not feel entitled to, even though I have paid my national insurance etc, and knew - knew - I could not deal with the bureaucracy/idiocy of that place, especially as what had happened to son. 

I have very low self esteem and confidence.  I have not properly worked outside the home since 1997 (a few hours part time domestic cleaning doesn't really count, and let us not talk about the failed fostering saga).  I worked at home with The FW's business, but that was ad hoc and fitted in with caring for our daughter during her ill health (and taking care of others too).  My physical stamina has decreased and the menopause has killed my organisational skills.

I don't know what to expect for tomorrow, I had settled into 'surrendering' and was making myself comfortable in that place, after all these months of fighting it and getting battle-scarred.  Now it is all up in the air again and I truly do not think I can cope with another upheaval in my poor head.  I tried to contact the counselling service again but am not allowed to have any appointments until another 8 (eight!) weeks have gone by.  

And before anyone at all decides to give me a hard time about "getting a job" - let me make this clear - There Are No Jobs In This Town.  Unless you want to clean an old peoples' home (I did this caring for my elderly parents and uncle) or work in a school kitchen (I have no certificates).

All this is because The FW is not getting the fact that we should sell this house and downsize/downscale, whatever.  He wants to keep the mortgage/council tax help we get.  I hate this and want to simplify and clarify life.  But, I am not in charge, it is an old-fashioned household inasmuchas HE is in charge.  I have no control over ANYthing.

Oh dear.

Oh  God, please make it stop.


  1. Hi Susan
    Good luck for today and hope it goes ok. I remember when I had a meeting with the employment office a few years ago it was awful and so traumatic. I came home and cried they made me feel so worthless and I had to go back the following day to see someone else about my CV.
    I have worked in a school kitchen (temporally) and loved it. They will put on courses like health safety, hygiene etc and it's term time (except for the cleaning days of which there are not many. I've did school cleaning - NEVER again yuk. (Don't suppose cleaning at a old peoples home will be much better. What about incapacity benefit, or whatever it is called, due to your depression?
    Best wishes Carolx

  2. Hi, Carol.
    Thank you for your best wishes, they are much needed.
    It wasn't as bad as I expected, a lot was said about it being Our choice to register there (or not) to look for work. I couldn't hear much because it was noisy, so I will ring them to ask for another explanation and to mention the depression. So, although the letter impressed the importance of complying, the meeting said otherwise? Confusing, non?
    Absolutely no mention was made of 'signing on' or benefit entitlement for the group I was with (all had partners on ESA or DLA) so that was quite a relief. I will keep updating.
    PS I will defo sign up for some training.
    PPS I 'rewarded' myself with a charity shop crawl all the way home and scored many £2 M&S tshirts, in pretty colours. Well deserved! Wardrobe will be cleared of tatty stuff, yippee.


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.