Friday, 20 April 2012

I know I have only just started, but...

even though there is so much in my head, I can't seem to type the words...and I wanted to do this to clear my head of all the negativity!  Catch 22!! 

My lappy top is mostly down stairs in the kitchen and there is no privacy for 'long' sessions.  My husband is home a lot (not a lot of work at the moment) and one son is at home, but usually in his room.  I find my family tend to say "now what are you doing?" in a, not 'sneery' way, but slightly derogatory.  I have always had a jokey relationship with my children but now it feels as if it has gone too far, maybe I am being too sensitive, but I feel diminished somehow.  My friend does not allow her daughter an inch  but then I think she is being too hard on her and the poor girl is constantly humbly apologising.  Is there a middle ground and if so where do I find it.  I used to be the one to give advice to my friends with teenage children, I was a foster carer (for a short while...... long story) for f***'s sake!

I feel I have lost my way, my place in this's so hard being me, the mother,  the carer when I feel that no-one cares for me.  I don't want to sound 'whiney' but that is what I hear in my head all the bloody time, I'm wrong to give an opinion, or to express dismay or irritation at any time, for example, middle son said he would not be home for dinner so I plan something he doesn't like ie mashed potato and only have enough sausages for three, when he is home I am exasperated and husband has a go at ME! Huh? even middle son can't see why that happened!

(In past years when I was younger, stupider, and absorbed in child/elderly parent care, husband used to have periods of picking on me for silly things, I learned to ignore it and knew it would pass eventually, although it always hurt).  I realised eventually that it was generally when he was infatuated or even possibly having a  'thing' with someone else.  I know! how stupid was I, it was 2008 when the lightbulb switched on!!!!! I took my wedding ring off and we haven't had sex since then because for a few months my periods went haywire and I used that as an excuse (I haven't actually said anything to him but he isn't stupid).  I cringe now when I think of the sexual side of things (shudder), I don't think it's just the depression doing that, it's the betrayal as well.

It took me a long time to realise that he was not a good husband, ie unsupportive, quick to condemn, unable to care for me when ill or after surgery, difficult with money, forgetting birthdays etc, especially now when I read the 'happy' blogs - dear God I feel so undeserving, uncared for, unlucky and just generally hurt with everything and everyone.  I think it's got to be me, my fault, miserable bitch that I am, but sometimes there's a flicker, maybe, just maybe I will pretend, put a mask on but that's false, a lie and I can't act.  I find myself doing a lot of staring at nothing while the ironing or vacuuming doesn't get done. Husband thinks he is being good by coming to talk to me (in a nice voice - hah) about the weather or possible work and that is going to make up for the shitty stuff, and I find myself agreeing non-commitally about whatever crap he is wittering on about.  Tho sometimes I just carry on washing up and staring out the window...I really don't give a shit and he gives up and goes away again and I can hear his thoughts "what is her problem, I'm being NICE".  That's the massive difference between us - I know him completely and utterly and he knows me not at all.  We have been together officially (and unofficially) 32 years.  He was married when we met (I know (I know!) I should have known better but I wasn't yet 18 and lonely and just joined the grown-up world) and he said all the right things (lies, I now know duh!).

Well, considering I didn't think I would be able to write anything at all, that's quite a bit of wordage, but it's late and I need this week to be over with (I haven't written about the court case we had on Monday and all the bastard bills etc......

sorry, gotta stop and read myself to sleep .....




  1. Hi Susan. I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are having. I am about the same age as you (47) and also a stay at home mum. I have given up my career and pension to be a homemaker,and although I really love it and wouldn't have it any other way, the realisation that I am totally financially dependent on my husband is unnerving. I trust him completely but its still scarey stuff so I can only imagine what you must feel like when your relationship is not working. You must feel betrayed and very vulnerable. I have been thinking for a couple of days of things to reply to your post, but it is difficult to find any words of wisdom when you are experiencing such emotional pain. Please just know that there are lots of people who would wish you well if they read your posts. It is good that you write down how you feel as clarity will eventually come and you will find a way forward. Lily. xxx

  2. Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. My blogging is sporadic at the moment. I am hoping for 'space' and motivation to really get into it. I will though, I promise. Thanks again.

  3. Hi Susan, I am playing catch up with your blog, and I hope it's OK to comment on old posts. Your honesty is refreshing and helpful. You could be writing about MY life a little while ago. I'm now 61 and my little chicks have all flown the coop, but I can identify with so much of what you write. Met at 18, me naive, lonely, desperate to escape an overbearing mother, thought I was in love etc etc. Now, 40 years in AAARRGGGHHHHH!!!!
    I spent many years believing that somehow 'it' was all my fault and then had a lightbulb moment in counselling - I was (still am) being subject to verbal and emotional abuse, and had been also throughout my childhood. Feels good knowing I'm not 'to blame', but the damage goes deep and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely healed.
    I just wanted to say that it DOES get better. It is SO hard when you are doing your utmost to take care of everyone when they behave in the way that you describe, but I think it goes with being adult or almost adult children still living at home. Much as I love my adult children I'd not have them back here to live - tried it with two of them when they had nowhere else to go and it was a disaster. But now they are established in their own homes, it's fine. My youngest hosted Christmas for us last year and it was lovely.
    Keep on keeping on, it WILL get better, well some of it will anyway :-)


This is a place for me, to try and make sense of my world, and my place in it. My family and friends do not know about this, I need some privacy, peace and freedom.
Please don' t leave unkind comments, I have enough of that in 'real life'.