even though there is so much in my head, I can't seem to type the words...and I wanted to do this to clear my head of all the negativity! Catch 22!!
My lappy top is mostly down stairs in the kitchen and there is no privacy for 'long' sessions. My husband is home a lot (not a lot of work at the moment) and one son is at home, but usually in his room. I find my family tend to say "now what are you doing?" in a, not 'sneery' way, but slightly derogatory. I have always had a jokey relationship with my children but now it feels as if it has gone too far, maybe I am being too sensitive, but I feel diminished somehow. My friend does not allow her daughter an inch but then I think she is being too hard on her and the poor girl is constantly humbly apologising. Is there a middle ground and if so where do I find it. I used to be the one to give advice to my friends with teenage children, I was a foster carer (for a short while...... long story) for f***'s sake!
I feel I have lost my way, my place in this house....it's so hard being me, the mother, the carer when I feel that no-one cares for me. I don't want to sound 'whiney' but that is what I hear in my head all the bloody time, I'm wrong to give an opinion, or to express dismay or irritation at any time, for example, middle son said he would not be home for dinner so I plan something he doesn't like ie mashed potato and only have enough sausages for three, when he is home I am exasperated and husband has a go at ME! Huh? even middle son can't see why that happened!
(In past years when I was younger, stupider, and absorbed in child/elderly parent care, husband used to have periods of picking on me for silly things, I learned to ignore it and knew it would pass eventually, although it always hurt). I realised eventually that it was generally when he was infatuated or even possibly having a 'thing' with someone else. I know! how stupid was I, it was 2008 when the lightbulb switched on!!!!! I took my wedding ring off and we haven't had sex since then because for a few months my periods went haywire and I used that as an excuse (I haven't actually said anything to him but he isn't stupid). I cringe now when I think of the sexual side of things (shudder), I don't think it's just the depression doing that, it's the betrayal as well.
It took me a long time to realise that he was not a good husband, ie unsupportive, quick to condemn, unable to care for me when ill or after surgery, difficult with money, forgetting birthdays etc, especially now when I read the 'happy' blogs - dear God I feel so undeserving, uncared for, unlucky and just generally hurt with everything and everyone. I think it's got to be me, my fault, miserable bitch that I am, but sometimes there's a flicker, maybe, just maybe I will pretend, put a mask on but that's false, a lie and I can't act. I find myself doing a lot of staring at nothing while the ironing or vacuuming doesn't get done. Husband thinks he is being good by coming to talk to me (in a nice voice - hah) about the weather or possible work and that is going to make up for the shitty stuff, and I find myself agreeing non-commitally about whatever crap he is wittering on about. Tho sometimes I just carry on washing up and staring out the window...I really don't give a shit and he gives up and goes away again and I can hear his thoughts "what is her problem, I'm being NICE". That's the massive difference between us - I know him completely and utterly and he knows me not at all. We have been together officially (and unofficially) 32 years. He was married when we met (I know (I know!) I should have known better but I wasn't yet 18 and lonely and just joined the grown-up world) and he said all the right things (lies, I now know duh!).
Well, considering I didn't think I would be able to write anything at all, that's quite a bit of wordage, but it's late and I need this week to be over with (I haven't written about the court case we had on Monday and all the bastard bills etc......
sorry, gotta stop and read myself to sleep .....