Well, I am obliged to say

A Very Merry Christmas to One and All

but without being pooky about it, what I really mean is, have the very best Christmas you can have under the circumstances.

It is an awful shame but I know there are happy families, with brilliant annual traditions and the marvellous shops and the wherewithal to purchase marvellous things in the aforementioned marvellous shops and the absolutely wonderful family and friend get-togethers and a jolly mince pie is being had by all. 

But......

I am being a total grumpypants (and I have joked with a friend or two and apologised to my children (one of whom has flu) about being a grumpypants but having no money and living in a shit town, being married to a total fuckwit is a grind.

An old friend who I have known for 40 years popped by yesterday and said well at least you are not in a wheelchair or drooling, your life isn't so bad, so, I told her about the latest shite and shocked her.  Yep, ain't I a bitch.

I went to bed before 10 with ideas to write about having a 'good enough' Christmas and slipped into reading Yarn Harlot (I went to the very beginning in 2004!!!) then got dozy and switched off, and watched Victoria Wood documentary and fell asleep and woke up when The FW, eldest and daughter came home from pub (I'll try and remember to tell about that), and so then I was awake at 2am with these words buzzing and knew I had to let them out.

I am pretty sure that at some point people are not gonna want to read about my mumblings and grumblings when a) there are far worse situations in this world and b) don't drag down the Happys, they don't deserve it.

I see the adverts/read the annual church service leaflet and have blessed thoughts about attending, knowing I will be too busy/exhausted to go/and listen and read about normal people (mentioned above), knowing that our greater family are getting together and having happy times and we are not invited. 

I have never eaten dinner on Christmay Day that I have not cooked myself since I left home 30 years ago.  The FW's family have shared Christmas and summer holidays and birthdays and weddings etc and we are not welcome or at best tolerated when they can't get away with leaving us out.  Which begs the question, are we horrible people? 

Well, no, actually.  My children are praised by all who know them and yet The FW's family barely realise this.  My friends love me because I make them laugh and I listen, really listen to them when they talk and I always offer consolation, praise and uplifting words when needed.  Again The FW's family dislike me so much they are not aware and when I try to offer words when they tell me their bad stuff (which is about 1% on the Scale of Bad) they reject them and seem offended.  Which I truly cannot fathom out.  And as for being funny they really, really don't get the wordplay and comedy asides at all.  But they laugh uproariously at their own loud, longwinded commentary.  And,  (this drives me batshit) they overtalk you when in conversation, as if I am not speaking or that their stuff is far more relevant. 

In the past I have been aware I am gauche and am made to feel badly brought up but, you know I have realised they are far more badly behaved, like commenting loudly at the dinner table about how much salt (I know) I use which makes me put my knife and fork down and not eat another bite.  And the loud overtalking.  Yes they are a largish family but my my parents had 5 of us (4 for them) and we never tried to outdo each other in conversation (at the table or not).

I manage every time to make a faux pas, however slight or misunderstood and know that will be taken as a deliberate offence.  It is as if they set out to wrong-foot me and hold back information so that I make a mistake.

I have an amazing capacity for inducing hatred in women who do not know me.  The evil scowl the neighbour throws my way (even while she is speaking tenderly to grandchild).  Only once in the 13 years we have lived here have I spoken up (10 years in) when she was badly aggravating my dog, apart from that nothing.  When I realised early on that they hated us I decided to turn the other cheek and take in their parcels, speak politely when necessary, but still, the force of the glare is disturbing.

Truly, dear readers, I apologise for the heavy stuff I have just laid on you (and still no pics!) at this light, happy time of year.

I have a wish for Christmas, please if you are listening, you who dish out the Lovely and Pretty and Happy, could I please have a teeny bit for a little while.  I would pass it on and write happy, uplifting, smiley words.

Thank you for listening.

Blessings for a Good New Year to everyone.
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