The Half-hearted Post

Even though there is stuff to say, I am struggling to find the words. 

Daughter is fine, finer than fine I should say.  Which is good.  For myself I am still feeling a bit flat.  Not as bad as the worst times, but still a little low.

Considering the stress and negative mood of Christmas Eve and Day in the kitchen, this is not surprising.

There was some aggressive body language and facial expressions.  I have not experienced this before.  It took me a moment to realise what they were.  After these moments it was falsely calm and careful words were spoken to me, as if he was trying to gloss over it.  I ended up by just letting him do what he wanted, use what he liked without guiding him to the right utensils, or what I would normally do the other 364 days of the year.  He will not ask where things are or what is the easiest item to use for each task.  And makes a hideous mess!

He took over my kitchen and the most of the food prep.  Which in normal households is a good thing.  But it was concerning me about his attitude with raw chicken (considering he will use a new water glass every time he takes tablets in case a fly walks round the rim, using between 4 and 6 a day), I was sanitising frequently when he left raw chicken to defrost on a flat board and the juices ran on the worktop, then he moved it around dripping on the floor, then wiped the blade he used to cut with on plain paper towels.  And got really cross with me because I kept wiping round with antibacterial spray.

I spent most of Christmas Day in the kitchen.  (We ate later than normal because son worked til 3).  Although he did a lot of prep and cooking I still did a lot.  Then he and my younger brother went to pub for about a short while.  He hasn't done that since 1985.  After dinner the clearing up took ages.   It all felt awkward as if I was an interloper in my own kitchen.

Niece and her boyfriend (a lovely, loyal young man) came round Christmas Eve just after one experience and I was still a bit shaken.  I told her of my feelings around her mum, that I felt I was losing her and she reassured me strongly that it was not so, that her mum thought and spoke of me.  I was glad because she has been in my life 32 years.  I  broke down a little and we had a cuddle.  My niece has never seen me like that even in the worst times, I think she was a little unnerved by it.  I also spoke of my concern for her brother and my impression that he may be 'self medicating'.  I regretted saying it though.

He is also miffed because although he and daughter do not want to see The Hobbit, it is middle son's birthday (24) tomorrow and he wants to go to pictures (which is how we have spent his birthday for the last 10 years) he says that they are being excluded from son's birthday, even though we will all have breakfast and present (few though they are) opening time together, then later on birthday cake before the pics.  My younger brother is driving us to pics because he wants to see the film and we may have a quick MaccyD's after.  To keep the peace I may suggest seeing if there is another film on at the same time.

It almost feels like although he doesn't want to see the film, we should not be going out without him, even though he has started taking daughter out to pub without talking to me about it first.  The first I hear is when she appears at the tv room door at 9pm saying "is dad ready yet"!  Double standards.

In the days of money, we used to see a film, then have a meal after, The FW used to pay (and then slyly mention how much it cost, which for the five of us was a lot), and there was a couple of times at least when would say "and who is paying for this", to which I would reply "well if you're not, then I am", and he would either let me and 'forget' to repay me after or just resolutely watch me get the credit card out, even though he was earning and I wasn't at the time.

In this instance I have booked the tickets online and the kids have said they will pay for their tickets, but, you know, I feel bad taking their money.  I am telling myself that birthday son should not have to pay, the girlfriend only got a token xmas present even though she gave us all gifts, so shouldn't really pay, and brother is driving us there so really only eldest son (student ticket) really should pay up.  I can't really afford it but have been hedging when they ask how much to give me. 

(You know all this stuff is what I would talk about with BF on the phone but we don't chat much now and he listens in anyway.  Which is sometimes useful when I want him to get the message about something).

So, just get through tomorrow, which will feel as if it is all about him and not son, then I have a few weeks before it is The FW's birthday which will be awkward what with birthday card/present etc.

Thanks for listening, my friends,
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