Still fightin' it.............oh and Happy New Year to All

1. FW fixing boiler with a slight mood on 'cos his local (ahem in the next village 4 miles up the road) is closing down* and he is staying in for New Years!!!
2. The realisation that 'other' contact is still going on.  Will keep you posted.
3. Titting about instead of tidying up.
4. Am determined to de-clutter etc in prep - for what...who knows!
5. Tons more stick picking after the last couple of stormy days, the field is gloopy so am in danger of losing my wellies with every step. 

nearly finished (on xmas eve) present for daughter's friend

lush xmas cake made by son's friend-who-is-a-girl

I couldn't quite manage to clear this particular stick

At the moment I am in bed with the tv on (Dara O'Brian and then maybe Gary Barlow) trying to stay awake, or indeed sleep, until 2014 begins.  Just as he came in from the cabin in the garden I announced I was going to bed.  I really really couldn't keep my eyes open.  So he is down there sulking.  Who cares?

The boys are out with their friends - good, they have a bit of a life.

Friends, I am hoping next year is better.

xx

* The Russians are taking over the next village buying up the land/pub etc.  The Russian Olympic Horses were kept in the posh livery there.

A (brief) Christmas Post

Merry Christmas to you

And I sincerely hope for A Happy New Year

No tinsel this year as the cat has started eating it!

This time last year was one of the saddest times of my life

I have felt, in recent weeks, so much better

I pray God it continues 

Thank you all for making me feel less invisible

and enabling me to unload my burden a little

I hope to write of nicer things (and share pics too) next year

Love

Susan

x

RIP Nelson Mandela

Very sad news this evening.

It was not unforeseen, yet still a shock.

The world was a better place because of him.

I hope the world does not let his memory down.

RIP Madiba.

 

As promised.................

Early morn? Late noon? answers on a postcard please.

Where's my breakfast? Are you doing my breakfast? Is that my breakfast? Is that you? Is that my bucket? Where's my breakfast?

Early morning water fill, note to self, extra sockage next time!

Err-hem... a selfie (on the way to the water, part one)

That looks like the sea in the distance, but it's just the view

As promised here are some random pics.  I think you can click on them for a better look.  (I think).  Even when it is raining I enjoy being here.  Me, who used to huddle indoors with the lights and the telly on.  I don't come every day 'cos Ness works shifts and sometimes it's a rush but it's still good, all good.

There's a whole water saga* with a steep hill involved which is a killer on the stumpy legs.  Haven't had a shock from the electric fence yet but there's still time harhar.  I climb through the gaps you can see there as we never go through the gates for some inexplicable reason.  Much leg-cocking and hilarity and almost face planting in the mud. 
Oh the mud....you can't see it here but trust me there is much, much muddy areas that we plodge through (still good, all good).

I feel nearly, almost, should whisper really so as not to wake the shit fairy, normal-ish. 

We've had the sudden death of The FW's good friend which was a nasty shock and totally unnecessary, but he was in denial of his diabetes diagnosis.  It has been a horrid time and not yet over due to pm and delayed funeral etc.  I have been drafted to fill the gap in the pub quiz team, which I had started to do a couple of weeks before and had sat opposite the guy whilst he was obviously in distress but brushed off all concern.  I have insisted this is temporary as I am not a pub person.

There has been a knitty wooly club started and I went with trepidation expecting to be a beginner type with my little efforts and have found myself teaching someone to crochet and 'ahem' doing it better than the lady running it (ooops).  I am better than I thought.  How did that happen??

I have also taken home an application form for a new charity shop and am trying to figure out a good half day to give them.  I will have to organise my time better.  I hope they can wait for me or I may miss the boat again.

So this is what I have been up to, there's probably more that I have forgotten and I know there are better pics. 

Much lovings to you all,
x

* It's pathetic but someone is nicking the water from the butt, who and why we don't know yet.  I will do some arse kicking when I find out as it's my stumpy legs that have to go up the steep, oh, steep steep hill.

Horsin' around............And gettin' a ruddy grip!

Firstly, I will apologise for not being around much.

Lots of various stuff happening ie

Helping friend V with her horses 2 or 3 days a week.  She isn't rich at all. Just loves horses and works very hard to keep them.  Her daughter came home from Europe with a colt after working as a groom (she is only 17) and after a terrible time of being bullied and feeling suicidal.  So I had to help V prep and then move to a bigger field and stable in the same place.  After 7 years this was quite tough for her especially as she had taken a crappy nettle filled field and made it beautiful and had been moved to another nettle filled/cob shite filled field with ragwort and lots of deadfall from trees. 

So I got my fat little bod out the chair and started barrow pushing, stick picking, fence climbing, hill (steep, so very steep) climbing, baling twine plaiting - to make economical useful ties for just about anything - shaving scattering, haybale dragging etc.  My dear friend is about my height and finds it hard to maintain an 8 stone weight (God, I hate her) and has arms like Madonna.  She hefts water buckets and haybales and does it all at a trot, whilst wittering and worrying on.

My job as well, as all the above, is to tell her "to get a grip, get a ruddy grip" a la Mel from the Great British Bake Off.

Man, that first day I could hardly walk, but now I love it and have found some old wellies that I had to cut down because my calves have got bigger..... these are very old wellies..... to be more sensibly dressed.  It is in a lovely area just up the road, though you would hardly know it was there.   You can hear the dual carriageway but can't see it and there is a sweet sheltered valley (where the daughter and colt are now) and brisk windy hills and fields with lots of other people and their horses in various places.

I will sort out a couple of photos to give you an idea.

Daughter has started college and is love, love, loving it. phew.

Haven't seen much of best friend because her fella now has prostrate cancer, is facing redundancy and she spends a lot of time up there despite having daughter at college here.  Her gallstones have returned and she is in great pain as well as all her other pain.  We spoke on the phone today and I have counselled her, so that she can counsel boyfriend and his colleagues (one of whom was given the redundancy letter in her hospital bed - shame on them!) on fighting the close down of the local radio station where they work. 

Life is so fucking tough everywhere!!

And yet, and yet I am feeling better.  Even more better than when I felt better a few months ago when I wrote about that in my other blog.  Sorry, bad grammar but it's staying there.

I have been wanting to write this for a while, but couldn't seem to get it off the ground, but after commenting on some other blogs (see, I am being a good blogger now) and having a lovely response to a comment from John at Going Gently today I thought I had better just 'get on with it' just as I am telling V to do.

I pinkie swear on the photos and there may be a 'special' one. or not.

xx

Oh, oh the Yarndale envy

Oh dear I am so envious, I long to be in Skipton this weekend.  Deep deep deepest sigh.

I made bunting and sent it and may, just may have spotted the tiniest corner glimpse of it in Lucy's latest blog post.  Or is that wishful thinking.

Ooh ooh Strictly is about to start...................................

The F*ckwit outdoes himself

My girl, 16 and a bit, now in college (crumbs!) went to the Eurogamer Expo up in Edgeware Road.  An organised trip that would mean her being dropped off at a motorway service station in the evening, y'know in the dark and on her own.  Her dad was supposed to collect her from there -  this was arranged two or three days ago.

A proper dad would have told his pub friends that he wouldn't be able to join them this week at their regular meal out (gah!) and would have sat in the car   park waiting for the coach to arrive.

Not this dad, no freakin way was he A) going to miss going out with pub people even though their arrangement came up  After the trip was organised and B) wouldn't have even waited for her but wanted her to tell him when she was nearby so that he could plan to be there 30 seconds before the coach arrived.

So this particular deadbeat dad that she adores and won't hear a word against and probably even now doesn't realise he has let her down.  Again.

After pacing around dressed up in (one of) his going out shirts then phoned my brother to come to our house and collect our car (so that she would recognise it - mmm thoughtful) even though she had no idea where on the road she was.  Kids today (bless 'em) don't look out of car windows any more to see the journey but look at their bleedin' phones.  I realised then what he was going to do and yelled for eldest son to go with my brother so that she wouldn't feel uncomfortable, simply because she cannot stand being out of her comfort zone (little precious).  My youngest brother is like an older brother to her and has been around her all her life and is very at ease, but she is soooo sensitive especially now the counselling has started*.

Eventually when The F*ckwit had left for his date (huh) 15 minutes later she phoned to say she was one mile away from service station my brother turns up here, son jumps into his car and away they whizz, by the time they get there, only about 10 minutes but, even so, the coach has gone and sensibly she is waiting at a well lit Greggs.  She got home safely and excited from the trip, thank God thank God.  And none the wiser about my anxiety and concrete filled stomach.

Please tell me I'm not paranoid, that other Dad's wouldn't behave that way.

The FW has been ill with a head cold this week, only during the day of course, in the evening he is still able to go to pub, then complains about having a bad night.  What a Tit.


*  Counselling has started after a verry long wait.  She is happy, and me? I am watching the can of worms spilling all over the place when the lovely ladies ask "and how are things at home?"  So much so that I have had a two hour session myself and been told that I need to go back to the GP and have more counselling to deal with my depression and to take the anti-depressants originally offered (and refused) because of the adverse effect it is having on my girl who thinks it's all about her.  Of course I will put her first - again - and forget about what I need.  So many years of putting others first and burying my pain so deep deep inside, my belly hurts.

Ssshhh........

*whisper*   -   I might just write something, here are some pics to keep you busy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yum, take two? yes indeedy.

Eastwell Manor, Kent - lush

this is from my only lovely day this summer, indeed this year.  The uber hot day at Broadstairs (with added sulking from the ones left at home even if they did not want to come but did not want me to go either) does not count.

xx

At the moment....

I am feeling ok at the minute -

Royal Baby - sigh

A seaside visit - yaaay

House cleaning - 'bout bloody time

Pending in-laws visit (birthday barbecue for Ma-in-law) - this is to be endured, we haven't entertained for a very long time, but I felt it churlish to say no in the circumstances.

Best friend going through a Very Tough time at the moment.

craaazy cat eyes (please to ignore cold 'stuff')

 

 

 

sleeeepy cat eyes (the duvet looks nice - is tatty!)

scruffy bed - scruffier dog

I hope to write more about some of the above, the humidity is draining the little grey cells.

Not one, but three photos, just showing off now, larf.

Much love to all of you 'out there'

xx

Slightly suspicious cleaning

The FW is cleaning the car, cul-leaning it.  A proper valet, even the engine has been washed, no joke.  This may be the cleanest it has been since we bought it about 3-4 years ago.  The dent/scratch from 18 months ago (ice) is being buffed out, it's only been rusting there since January 2012.  Something is being planned or he has got something up his sleeve.  Watch this space.

On the same subject, sort of, I have regained a little energy and am able to do several things in one day.  Yep, multi-tasking me*.  Ironing And vacuuming And dog walking And washing And side alley/cat litter tray/dustbin dealing with, not forgetting planning the journey for tomorrow's cardiac clinic for the girl.  Now she has been moved to the Adult clinic they (some Professor person) wants to see her..... she isn't pleased.

A random pic just to see if I can remember how to do it - I need to upload some up to date stuff!

The above photo is a brooch I made for a friend last year, I didn't make the scarf it is pinned to. I have now given away all my brooches and key ring hearts and now need to get organised and make more for the stash box.  My crochet is disorganised at present.  It is on my list of 'sorting out'.  I Will get there.

See you soon,

xx

*any one of these tasks would have been insurmountable in The Bad Times.

A teeny bit scared

This is the understatement of the year.  I am full on peeing my pants terrified.  I shall explain...

On Saturday (which is the day all the shitty letters arrive, you may have noticed this yourself), I had a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions, hereafter known as 'The DWP', saying my Work Group appointment was on Wednesday at 9am.  What, wait, who!  Oh right, here it is then. As my *ahem* partner is on benefits (earning support allowance) it is MY reponsibility to look for work through them (aka the land of humiliation/despondency/overwhelming  expectations).  Otherwise he will lose the ESA.  So, I get more shit heaped on my head for Him.

These are the people who drove my son almost to suicide (and was making plans for it), he ended up in the mental health ward at the local hospital for a month.  This was a terrible time for our family.

I could have signed on a year ago, and chose not to, because I did not feel entitled to, even though I have paid my national insurance etc, and knew - knew - I could not deal with the bureaucracy/idiocy of that place, especially as what had happened to son. 

I have very low self esteem and confidence.  I have not properly worked outside the home since 1997 (a few hours part time domestic cleaning doesn't really count, and let us not talk about the failed fostering saga).  I worked at home with The FW's business, but that was ad hoc and fitted in with caring for our daughter during her ill health (and taking care of others too).  My physical stamina has decreased and the menopause has killed my organisational skills.

I don't know what to expect for tomorrow, I had settled into 'surrendering' and was making myself comfortable in that place, after all these months of fighting it and getting battle-scarred.  Now it is all up in the air again and I truly do not think I can cope with another upheaval in my poor head.  I tried to contact the counselling service again but am not allowed to have any appointments until another 8 (eight!) weeks have gone by.  

And before anyone at all decides to give me a hard time about "getting a job" - let me make this clear - There Are No Jobs In This Town.  Unless you want to clean an old peoples' home (I did this caring for my elderly parents and uncle) or work in a school kitchen (I have no certificates).

All this is because The FW is not getting the fact that we should sell this house and downsize/downscale, whatever.  He wants to keep the mortgage/council tax help we get.  I hate this and want to simplify and clarify life.  But, I am not in charge, it is an old-fashioned household inasmuchas HE is in charge.  I have no control over ANYthing.

Oh dear.

Oh  God, please make it stop.

Not a Posh Bird

I am sorry to have been away for so long, y'know life and all that crap.

What have I been up to -

• Shopping for Prom shoes.
• Dealing with pre-menstrual teen (see above).
• Realising that I now have no children at school (it's been 23 years!!).
• Seeing my daughter go off to college summer school on her own at 7.30am, luckily she loves it.
• Sulking.
• Trying (and failing) to be less whiney.
• Not having a good birthday (no change there then).
• Eating an enormous amount of crap
• Wondering if I should be less ungrateful (even for the no gift from either best friend or husband - not that I want anything from him in truth.  A couple of years ago I gave best friend a patio set - I kid you not).
• Doing a whole lot of sweet FA.
• Not dealing with tidying/cleaning the house even though The FW wants his parents for tea which will also mean Big SiL and BiL as they both need care.  The house is now sold and we have more boxes of stuff crappin' up the place.
• Not finishing any crochet WiP (which are now UFOs).
• Wondering if I am still a human bean.
• Wearing a skirt as the sun has finally arrived.
• Getting sun burned walking the dog.
• Deciding the dog needs to see the vet, boy does he smell (the dog not the vet - smiley face).
• The FW has money and has started shopping for food and cooking it, you wanna see the fancy vittles we 'ave bin eatin'.  I am happy to not be in the kitchen.
• Having posh tea at Eastwell Manor with school friends and discussing our teenage daughters (7 between the four of us).  I took loads of pics but you know I am a techno-twit.
• Thanking John Gray for his comment on my last post.  A Celeb read me!
• Dropping the F-Bomb at posh tea - oops. Told you, not a posh bird.
• Wondering what will happen tomorrow with the hooha about blogging readers and such - will it affect me, will I care?

If I disappear, or indeed if you disappear....it was lovely knowing you all and thank you for your a sweet comments.  I expect to come out the other side hopefully unchanged but well, you never know do you?

PS today I have mostly been de-snailing the garden umbrella and then de-snotting it.  (25 of the little bastards at least!).  Not to self - do NOT leave it leaning against the fence in the rain. stupid.

Fluey

My five years are up and I have had a bout of flu.

I don't get ill very often and that's a good thing as I don't get cared for.

'Tho my daughter gave me her blanket for the sofa (whilst saying she wouldn't be using it again 'til after the exams 'cos of the germs!)  That girl channels her paternal grandmother -  if you had a slight headache she couldn't do enough for you but if you were dying of stomach bug or flu symptoms you died on your own.

The FW subconsciously does not make me tea or food when I am ill and is out of the house throughout the worst of it.  So it's a good job it's only every 5 years.

Here's a bit of news that would disturb the people who know me - I am not caring for Big Brother this year.  First time ever.  I am such a nosy person and I love people watching so I have always loved this show - even when it got more tacky and gross.  Although I haven't watched Celeb Big Bro for years, that's a step too far.

And I have lost my bloggy reading mojo.  Possibly because it is hard to see the beautiful places others live and their lovely walks and weekend breaks.  It is so hard when I have not left the house for more than 3 hours for the last 3 or 4 years (except for daughters hospital appointments).  This is not self pity (although it might be) this is fact.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and I will make the same amount of fuss as was made on Mother's Day. ie none.  I am sure the kids have sorted presents and cards for their dad and I will make the same roast dinner that I made on Mother's Day. 

The following day is my birthday and I have low expectations for that too.  The FW said he could manage a meal out at the local Harvester. yay.  It will be the usual Monday stuff.  Washing, ironing, clean out the cat poo! same, old same old...bring on the violins.

Surrendering.......

Today I have surrendered a little.

Decided to 'go with the flow'.

Not make any plans, or have any ideas.

Just get on with stuff.

A little 'home blessing'

(If cleaning the side alley and cat litter box/space as 'home blessing' lol)

I have to stop fighting the need to be alone, me time, whatever it is called.

There are people in the house most of the time and they come and go at will, with no planning, so that I may organise myself to go out, or not. 

I am subdued a little, suppressed even.

Daughter is quite happy and that is good.

Middle son is ok and that is good too.

Eldest is the same...as ever.

And The FW is still a fuckwit.

XX

In my Shell

Saturday before last I wrote quite an emotive post.  Thought I had published it and it turns out that because our internet connection was a bit 'iffy' that it has been sitting in Draft.  Perhaps it's just as well as there was a bit of financial indiscreetness going on.

As a result of the financial fuckwittery I have retreated back into my shell.

I don't like it here very much.  It is quite scary.  And lonely.

The FW has taken over my ebay account (originally just to sell the fishtank)  and would like the password to my paypal "to make printing labels easier".  Yeah.  Fuck Off.  I am hanging on to them apples, honey.   He is having a great spendy time with the money from the sale of the van.  Has not paid the bills that he promised to because he can't get online to do that yet (new bank account).  I have zoned them out, we are well past the deadline on those.  Whatever.

I have not spoken to Best Friend since her birthday on 22 May.  We spoke about my birthday (coming to a heartbreak hotel near you soon) and it turns out she won't be around  - again - which is quite irrelevant really as in the eleven years we have known each other she cannot get the date right.  She is either a day late or too soon in her social/holiday/boyfriend arrangements.  And often away.  Whatever.

I don't want to be too hard on her as her brother has prostrate cancer and her mother keeps getting taken to A&E in the middle of the night with lung infections, and then getting discharged in the middle of the night.  She is 85.

I am supposed to be reading and working with the 'Mindfulness' exercises from the local counselling service.  Although the girlie is quite nice, she is young and has 30 minutes to deal with a sobbing, barely coherent, utterly beaten down menopausal doormat.  On the Phone.  In Sainsbury's car park.  Marvellous.

If I am offered medication again, I am going to take it.  I don't want too, I am scared of long term meds (even though I am on perindopril - still haven't had the blood test - I know)  but I realise that to deal with life I have at the moment I am going to need help.  It is not fair on the kids.  Especially as The Youngest has come home from school today announcing that it's done, just the odd revision day and exam.  Just like that, a brief assembly and letter handed out, no last day shirt signing etc.  Cop out much?

Deep Sigh.

XX

I am still reading everyone's blogs.  Trying failing not to be envious.

Lusting after Jason Isaacs in Case Histories.  And Matthew Rhys in Americans.

Surprise Star Trek

Have just got in (before the thunder!!!) from an impromptu and much needed  visit to the pics.  Middle Son treated me and I rewarded him with telling him most of the shit.

There has been a lot of stress, I am hanging on by the very tippiest tip of my fingers (just like Kirk and Scotty).  After the end of June I can breathe out - and rant if pushed. 

I don't want to jeopardise The Kid's counselling by hijacking it with Mum and Dad crap, because it is for other purposes.

Middle Son is concerned for the future but I had to tell him about The FW jumping on the Depression Bandwagon and a whole lot more he didn't know about.

To quote Dory from Finding Nemo - "just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'". 

(If I was a clever blogger I would be adding a picture of Dory but I ain't).

Let's see what tomorrow brings........

F*ckwit Free Day

Deep Joy.

The F*ckwit had a little gardening job today, gentle gardening, not the heavy stuff.  A few hours was all it took to lower my shoulders.

He sold the fishtank I bought a few years ago with Uncle Harry's inheritance.  But the best bit was it was on my ebay and I get the money. har-de-har.  He had asked a few days ago if we should and I, for once, was quick off the mark and said yep I could do with the money.  So he put it on at 99p (well over 700 quids worth of kit!!!!) to finish mid week.  Usually he put stuff on to finish on a Sunday as that is the best day. 

It had 78 watchers, 1243 page views, 35 bids and made £220. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. 

And yes the money is staying in MY paypal account (that's The Kid's prom dress and shoes sorted), even though he asked if I would take it out.  Oh no, says I (smugly) I will leave it in there and purchase stuff using paypal.

AHahahahahahahahaha -  I am a little crazy today.

XX

PS He has also put something else on my ebay.  I may have to resurrect another ebay account I opened some years ago if only I could remember the feckin password. 

PPS Found out today (at last) that The Kid is 6th on the list for counselling.  I would sacrifice any chance of one seconds worth of counselling for me if it helps her.

I will explain.........

After feeling great for, what, 2-3 weeks there was a period of annoying stuff to deal with, pissing me off quite a bit as I have written about but then......

The FW had a couple of frustratingly annoying days too.  Then on Wednesday it reached a pitch when he came back early from Aquatherapy (catching me about to tuck in to a nice plate of scrambled eggs on toast - ooops) and I am guessing he hadn't booked in the week before.  It's only a small class and is very popular.  His face was bright red so I suspect he was embarrassed in public (not a good thing) he went straight to the cabin and stayed there for hours.  I felt very disturbed and surprisingly guilty.  God knows why, but I have that sort of conscience even if I have done nothing.  Later when he surfaced his face was a mess, I think he had been crying.

The next day he went early to the doc to get an appointment (later that day he had his kidney ultrasound (all well there).  The appointment was to sort out one of his tablets and "to talk about what happened yesterday" - !!-

When he came back he said (and I want you to imagine me standing there ENRAGED, and not showing it) "I have depression". What the fucking fuck!!!!  How dare he!!  Apparently he was diagnosed then and there (I told him with a breaking voice I had had to wait 8 fucking months for my diagnosis)  which he was quite dismissive about, and when I said what about the questionnaires, to which he replied "well I did that and my score was low", which goes to show he is talking bollocks especially when he read out his sick note which said he had 'low mood'.

How dare he jump on my bandwagon.  I had forgotten that nasty little trait. Barely 10 days since I had to come clean due to the stupid letter which after all was a (kind of) rejection letter.

In the days when the stinky boys were at school and I worked in a factory office with a bunch of stinky men, including one who used to sneeze in his hand then use my phone!  I used to get a couple of colds a season, he would always announce he had a cold moments after I had said I had one, this 'cancelled' mine out, thereby relieving him of the chore of a) looking after the kids, b) looking after me, and therefore, c) being looked after himself. 

There were a couple of times I had gastric flu (oh God, the memories of the pain and fever and vomiting) and he still used to fuck off to the pub leaving me to take care of myself and the small children too.  (Not to mention leaving me to manage with a newborn and Caesarean wound three times and getting annoyed by my groans with unbearable pelvic/lower back pain in two pregnancies).

Nowadays I get a cold about once every two years and a 'flu every 5 years, yeah lucky me, no lurgies to take me to bed and be looked after.  Great. Thanks.

I have to get my arse to the doc at some point (still have not had the bloody blood test) and I will have to ask whether it was possible to be given a diagnosis of depression there and then.

Funnily enough he is now happily working in the garden, channelling the Chelsea Flower Show with plants and watering systems magically appearing without the need for money.  How strange!

I enjoyed Eurovision, and the daughter watched with me (first time ever yippee).

X

PS - Have had to admit to eldest son about blog 'tho not what it is called, he absolutely cracked up when I told him about the moniker 'The Fuckwit'.  I thought he was going to choke on his sandwich!!!

PPS I may change his name to Shithead.

Back in The Shit Pit

 Sorry if I have let you all down.

 

The FW has excelled himself.

I'm holding back from a meltdown.

I will try and explain later.

If I can be bothered.

If anyone cares.

I don't.

I'm angry.................

Stupidly angry, really.

The day started reasonably well, some housework done, the dinner was decided on, I was waiting to hang the third load of washing out and then I planned to crochet until my fingers bled and get on with the neckwarmer/wrist warmers for a good friend.  The phone rang.....

It was the best friend, going into town did I fancy a cuppa, I cogitated for about 3 seconds and said yes.  The work was done, I had showered (which is always a plus) and SHE HAD PHONED ME!!!! (over 2 weeks).

I told The FW what I was doing and he was ok you know like a normal person ("cuppa and a natter") and not a fuckwit.

We had a good chat, lots of tea and some cake, I spoke a lot, I mean a lot.  I barely let her get a word in edgeways, good eh!

When I got back about 3.20 was met by daughter jokingly complaining there was NO food, which there wasn't.  Jeez I am out at schooltime once in 12 months and that was the day there was no food. Bad Mummy.

As soon as The FW saw I was home (getting the washing in, switching the iron on etc) he had to come and 'check me out' you know like the dog does when you come in.  So I chatted about the news - next door's house break-in/elderly mother's health etc and then........my mobile rang.

It NeVeR rings, like, ever.  But today whilst he is in the room it rang, and I had to answer it of course.  Yep, the counselling service.  Great.  So I had a non-committal conversation and He Stayed In The Room, watching and listening, expecting me to break off and tell him who it was.  I didn't.  After a couple of minutes he got fed up and sat in the next room and I continued to iron and talk as little as possible.  Eventually I went upstairs and told her what had happened with the previous letter, the timing of this call and that I had had to tell him a little and that I was fed up that the harder I tried to keep this private the more public it became.  I am really very paranoid* now, especially as usually he is out in the cabin or garden and would not have been in the house if he wasn't 'welcoming me home'.  (This is not something he does when I come home loaded with shopping or cold from dog-walking).

He is DESPERATE to know who the call was and as yet has not asked, but he will, oh so casually, just jump it into the conversation, oh by the way etc.  Shall I tell, I don't know.

This morning he asked if we should sell the fishtank (a large unusual one I bought some years ago with an inheritance - it didn't work out)  and I said oh yes I could do with the money.  We have had some small/quick chats about money recently and I have said categorically I am at saturation point and there are still bills to sort out.  He has sold the van and is still waiting on the money, long story, boring boring.  So he decided to sell it on my ebay which works 'cos I want the money and I had to sign him in.  An hour later he comes in and says "I'll have to do it on your laptop because i shut it down by mistake.  really.  "No that's alright I'll come down and sign you in again".  (nice try, sunshine).  Again, later he comes back cross saying it's not working. hmmm, I'll head that off at the pass somehow.  I have nothing to hide except the blogettes, but still give him an inch etc etc.

If I get challenged I will speak and he will regret it.

* especially as I have had to give him bank statements to take to the benefits office and have had to do some juggling because of the premium bonds I have had to cash in (£450 big deal) and have not told him.  I'm not hiding it from them, just from him. I had dithered about this in January and ended up doing it in March and opted for after the next draw, so they show up now. fucking great timing eh.  And the fact that I wanted to tell Best friend what had just happened and couldn't email (Outlook is shit) and daren't use house phone and the house was too quiet to phone on mobile.  I did get through eventually and guess what he came in the room whilst I was talking and I hadn't heard the patio doors that he usually slams.  I am not sure how much he heard and he is now in a bad mood. whatever.

My  anger is tiring me out (that and the 5am wake ups I am having recently.

btw that new font size was annoying me so it's going.

PS - I am only going to get two 30 minute phone counselling sessions - it is not enough, I have to tell them.  Today has dipped me back down.

PPS We were cut off for a while until the bill got paid (by him hah!). I have often thought of blog titles and content (alien cats in the kitchen etc)  and then was too tired to write.

PPS need to clear the history on laptop.  I can't let him see the trail to this blog.

Good night, love you x

I would like to introduce myself.....

My name is Susan and I am a recovering depressive.

I feel like 'me' again, the person I used to be...you know....Before.

I hope that was the end of it and dread that it will happen again.

Nothing has changed in my life, I mean, No Thing.  It is all the same.......except that it is different.

The financial shite is still there, I still dislike The FW, I am still disappointed in the Best Friend, I still would like to move to another house, preferably with one less in the family (snigger).

Yet, it is all bearable, doable, manageable, okayable.  (sorry about the last one).

I feel quite light, clear and if you will, a bit cheerful.  And wearing Clothes too, look at me all dressed and everything.

I have enjoyed the sun, made the bedroom a nice place to be, sorted yarn which is a marvellous job, enjoyed a barbecue in the garden with the kids that The FW prepared and cooked.  I have talked with The FW about his family (grrrr) and he told me is worried about the Cardiologist appointment.  I will go with him unless he says otherwise.  Because I feel able to.

I had to 'fess up about The Depression to him because on Thurs when I went out early the post came and there was The Letter with 'Private and Confidential' on it and the sender label with the hospital name on.  Great, just great.  I fudged a bit about how what and when, but gave him just enough info to get by.  He said he didn't know.  (How the Fuck could anyone not notice, I mean Really!)

I have been expecting to go offline any day (poss tomorrow) 'cos he still can't pay the media bill (boring).

I want to thank you Lovely Peeps for "being there" (cliche cliche) but you have, you really have and I bless you for it.  Thank You.

The Sun 'as got 'is 'at on, 'ip 'ip 'ooray, the Sun 'as got 'is 'at on and I'm comin' out to plaaaaay.

I saw a quote somewhere, it said -

"I'm not happy, I'm just fed up being miserable"

I like it.

The FW has the miseries...

Yeah,welcome to my world, mate.

He sold the van on Monday, but is pissed off the money hasn't come through yet.

He is now saying he feels that nothing is worth it and why bother etc.  I don't reply.  I can't.  I have no sympathy at all.

Incidentally, since reading out my first (severe) diagnosis to the Best Friend, 2 weeks ago now, she has not asked once how I am.  Yeah great.  I have visited her last week and phoned this week.  I may have to leave it a while now.

To change the subject a little, I mentioned the fish that FW got on freecycle, and one big bugger.  I swear it watches me when I am hanging the washing.  I am still using the little winter line on the patio area which is right next to the big pond.  This fish is massive and loiters in the corner and when I stand there it raises it's head and I can see the bloody eyes.  (I'm gonna need a bigger boat).

I had a nice day today.  I like that.

xx

Diazepam mellow

This is just a quick (bombed out) post, as The FW has not paid the virgin bill and we may go offline at midnight.

I diazepamed up and wandered down to the dentist, dropping off prescription for increased blood pressure tabs on the way to collect after...have forgotten the blood test I should have had 2 weeks ago and am hoping to fit that in in the next few days (diazepam and emla for that little beauty my friends).  Aaanyhoo, I walked in and the lovely receptionist said, you are a week early. bugger.  So I explained the diazepam fug and she said that maybe if I came back in 30 mins I might get fitted in.  ok then.  so a pre-dentist trip to yarn shop down the road instead of post-trip.  I went in the door, sat down and said can I tell you a story.  They listened and giggled and sympathised and I bought yarn from the bargain bin (and it was 5% Shop Local day too yay).

I wandered back up the road trying to phone to make blood test appointment (no go) in case dentist could not see me as I didn't want to waste 15mg of fuzzy time.  Luckily I got in, and the dentist (the kindest, softest handed dentist in the entire universe I swear) and now I can wear my newish partial denture without pain, my teeth aren't too bad despite the neglect and I have a new fischer covering on the partially emerged wisdom tooth.  I have no pain and no fear.  This is Good.

I then wandered back down to the British Heart Foundation shop to browse furniture and take measurements for yarn/fabric storage bookshelf/cupboardy things.  (I have four chest of drawers in this bedroom and not one is perfect for bedside accoutrements or knicker drawer or sufficient toppage for all my crap. Sighing heavily now.  When it is finally finished and primped I will show 'after pics'.

As I walked in the front door I realised I had forgotten the blood pressure tabs. bum.

Tomorrow I am going horse visiting with pal and will also ask another pal if I can accompany her when she walks her little dog the loong way round, chatting all the way.  Leaving my little elderly, grumpy, stinky dog behind.  With Alf I basically stand there whilst he sniffs/scratches/scent marks every tree, leaf, blade of grass and gate post.  Exercise it is not.

Yesterday I had a telephone assessment with the guy from Southlands which is a place for severe depression and because I answered honestly I am now only mild and not suitable for them, but can go back to KCA.  I am confused and wept a bit but after a good chat I understand a little more and will contact KCA which is only 12 minutes walk from my house.  I explained what happened at the beginning of my perimenopause* and he is of the opinion that I have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder.  Ok.  This makes sense and explains the 35 years of cyclical depression symptoms etc I have had.  About 35 years too late, but now I have a possible diagnosis.  Back to the GP soon and discuss.

Ok, it is cup of tea and nap time, after which I will wake up 'good to go' for animal feeding, dinner prep and the impossible task of finishing a cushion for horsey friend.

Love ya,
xx

* severe menorrhagia for three months leading to anaemia,by the time I saw the consultant it had stopped on it's own - paranoid, moi?

Not sure about proper titles for /southlands/kca as it is so local, but I will find out and explain properly.

Blog No 2

Just thought I would mention 'MadMiniMe' my other blog if you would care to cast your eye over.  I will not leave you, I hope, I just needed some brightness.

Today seems a little gloomier than yesterday - possibly just a blip.

 xx

Man, I am pooped!

I have been a busy bee today - 

I have -

• scrambled about in the eaves storage and now have very sore knees
• sorted, and vacuumed and tidied and looked at old photos with daughter
• shoved some furniture around (which will change again I'm sure!)
• started writing a new blog, which has taken all day to faff with, I will hit the  'publish' button tomorrow.

I have hit the ground running, I like it.

XX

Something very odd has happened....

I feel normal, whatever normal is these days.

Today I feel 'mellow'. WTF.

My head is clear, my thoughts are organised, I am managing to do domestic tasks with no anguish, stress, muddleheadedness or physical clumsiness. 
The internal spikes are gone from my head, even the air seems lighter, although it is a grey rainy day.

So, this begs the question, was it indeed hormones?  If so, was those ghastly months a last gasp, a nod to the entire moody menstrual life I have had.

My friend V came round yesterday to collect baby blanket (pictured previously).  She loved it, which makes me happy and proud.  Bless her she also gave me a lovely card and £20 which I protested about as she had already given me the same last year (I know, this blanket should have only taken a short time to make), but she said that was for the wool and not my time and skill.  God, I love that girl.

Anyway, as we chatted (The FW was occupied in the garden with my brother 'ponding') she said that she wished I had talked to her more about the depression and that it made her down to think that I was.  Oh my.  To think that someone in my life, although one step removed, was concerned for me and my welfare.  You lovely people who have commented have been very kind and thrown the lifebelt to me over these last hideous months and I thank you for that.  I wonder whether that jolly conversation would have happened, say, a month or six weeks ago.

So, next week she is going to take me to her horse, up the road in the village, right next to the local crafty/gift/art gallery/teashoppe type place, perfick.  I may poo-pick which is good exercise.  And we are also going to the local(ish) beach for walking and sea-gazing and beachy-hut tea'n'cake. Fab.  And maybe also to Next Town Over for the vintagey/art gallery/antiquey/more tea'n'cake type stuff.  I have something to look forward to.  I am somewhat overwhelmed.

Also today, after some cleaning (what, more!) and food shopping (boring) I decided to start on the bedroom.    Furniture to move around, spaces to de-clutter (started, not finished) and the possibility of a charity shop table for the sewing machine and a retro cabinet for storage of Nice Things.  I can spend a lot of time pretending to be crafting *larf*.

Errrm I have nearly forgotten the blood test ( haven't had that yet oops), the dreaded dentist and follow up gp appointment.  And The FW has lots of checkups and procedures etc to deal with.  I think his unhealthy lifestyle is catching up. 

Ummm what else, oh yeah, the dear daughter has another cardiac appointment, this time with a Professor forgodssake.  Probably, (hopefully) just a Curious Professor.

I wonder how long 'the mellow' will last?

xx

Feeling quite chatty.....

Today has probably been the best day for a long time. 

The last couple of days I have felt able to clean the house a little.  With a clear head and determination (and aching muscles and dermatitis breakout but still manageable).  There is still heaps to do and much tidying and decluttering to be done.  I am months behind all you more organised bloggists, I always was a late starter. 

The FW has been quite busy in the garden, tidying and sorting the ponds (yeah two, whatever).  He has freecycled a ton of fish (one big bugger - yuck) and a filtration whotsit thingy.  So he's happy (and hurting a lot).

After the cleaning bout I went into town to buy cat food (and forgot) and charity shopped my crazy head off, thinking I would try it all on at home and bring most back.  Yuh, right.  Apart from a couple of tops to be returned I have one for Y (the best friend) and a skirt i CS'ed last year and is now too big...when did that happen...and also daughter has nabbed two that were too small for me and baggy enough for her.  All of the skirts I picked up (6 for about £18ish) fit (one slightly too small but it is so nice I am going to keep it), 2/3 tops, a short sleeved tailored shirt/jacket type thing and a loose fitting khaki shirt.  I like loose fitting for the hot weather.  I don't suit exposed flesh (too chickeny) and am allergic to the sun.

I realised earlier that I had forgotten the dentist, bum.  So still have that to look forward to.  I have a telephone assessment from the counselling/CBT service next week, which is ironic dontcha think.  Daughter has to have another cardiac outpatient appointment because she has been moved from the paediatric department.  Obviously I had to turn down all dates until the beginning of July because of exams (17 individual ones!!). 

What else, oh yeah, The FW has sold the van and that goes on Monday.  It will be odd without that on the drive.  I wonder what his plans are for the money, ho hum.  There may be ructions if he pays off his credit card (the one he uses up the pub, yeah you read that right, he buys his beer on a credit card - go figure) and not mine that has been used to pay the household bills.  I may shout a bit.  Or worse, go quiet.  In my family they fear the Deadly Quiet.   I will tell all.

I am so glad Ann won the Great British Sewing Bee.  She is such a charmer, wish she was my mum!

My word I have to open the bedroom window!  Last night I had a hot water bottle, tonight I can't breathe.

I hope you all had the lovely sun, and the warmth, with no coats, or scarves, and the patio doors open til 9 o/c.  Marvellous!

Night all

XX

PS You should see this room - boxes of crap, bags of yarn and UFOs, pillows waiting for crochet covers, mess, and tape measures as I'm thinking of moving the bed (huge bed for a little person), a vacuum cleaner and a bucket of cleaning gear,  no wonder it's hard to sleep.  Tackling this job including the storage spaces will require the right weather and time/space continuum.

Assessment Results

"As part of your assessment we looked at the outcome measure questionnaires you had completed.  Your Patient Health Questionnaire score was 19 indicating moderate to severe depression and your Generalised Anxiety Disorder score was 17 indicating severe anxiety.  Your Clinical Outcomes in Routine Evaluation score was 24 indicating moderate to severe levels of overall pschological distress.  Your score for risk to yourself was 5/24."

So that's me then.

But, once again, as what happened 5 and a bit years ago after the physical distress and pain with menorrhagia (started 5 days before my 45 birthday and didn't stop for 3 months resulting in anaemia) by the time I got to see a consultant it had gone away and never came back.  And then this time when I get an appointment and a diagnosis I am feeling a little better.  Which is good - but what worries me is what the score would have been, say three weeks ago, or six weeks ago.

My timing, as ever, is shit.

So, we shall see what happens next.  Do I tell The FW.  Or not. 

On the other hand the best friend knows, I read the above paragraph to her.  I think she was quite surprised, but we didn't dwell on it.  She had the grandson with her.  He is very cute and distracting.

xx

PS I guess I was so distracted I ended up this evening talking, actually conversing with the Kent County Council Conservative Candidate.  My Dad would turn in his grave.  Sorry Dad.

The Appointment

This is the 2nd attempt of this shawl, the first was huuumongous, this was still big!

More random crochet makes, fishing for compliments, moi?

Actually there were two, one at GP who offered me antidepressants. What!  This is the same GP in October who said 'counselling is for you'.  Silly mare.  Anyway she has doubled my blood pressure tablets. great.

So, then, the other appointment.  Or should I say Appointment with a capital A that it so deserves.  This was the assessment that should have taken about 20 minutes and to look over the questionnaire previously sent.  Or Not.

It took an hour and a quarter and I had to fill in two questionnaires.  Boy, that was tough.  With some serious questions to think about.  Did not like that.  Tough questions about the S word (no, never).

Afterwards I had to take the stressed, depressed, traumatised head off and put on the pretendy-organised mum/wife head and go to bank and chemist and buy dog biscuits.  And you wonder why I am quite demented!  And I had walked out and back twice.  Knackered as well!

Today there was some worries about the second hair straighteners that turned up and I had to admit to The FW what had happened.  After letting the credit card company know and then getting cross that he couldn't easily get them back on the phone he has decided to ebay them as they have been authenticated and are obviously brand new.  He also forgot to pick up his medication that he had run out of and loudly said in the other room that it was because he was on phone all afternoon to credit card company.  My fault then.  I have spent the best part of the day feeling guilty and useless and crap.  After that I went upstairs and ironed and then laid on the bed and went to sleep for about 20 mins.  That's a little worrying.

I phoned the best friend in the morning and she actually listened to me for a change, with a little bit of chat about her stuff.   So that was interesting.

So that was my day.  It was odd.  But then, so am I.

XX

PS - just getting showy-offy with the pictures now!

The sixteenth birthday

Totally random crochet gift photo, just to see if I could remember how to add a pic. I could.

Thank you for asking, we had a good birthday for the teenage girl.

The weekend as a whole was quite pleasant.  My fears did not arise, for which I am glad.  I have been quite pessimistic in recent months which is not my usual self.

Anyway, whatever.  I woke reasonably early and started to wrap presents and write cards whilst my eyes were still crusted shut. nice.  Then chuck clothes on and make a cake and do the boring chores and then make tea and present opening time.  It was quite sedate, but cheerful and smiley. 

Later whilst waiting for the people that were popping in to pop in I had a shower, then took the dog for a windy walk.  The FW went and got the cheesecake(s!), huge huge cheesecakes and took a great photo of the girl posing with three celebration cakes. 

After her cousin and the boyfriend visited (a long chatty, laughing visit)  I had to order more presents for a 21st birthday next week and a party to go to, hope I am in the mood next Saturday.

Tomorrow it is appointments (one of which was supposed to send a questionnaire which of course has not arrived in my inbox, no surprise there).

Tomorrow is also back to school and an exam, although they gone up the pub tonight even though she is tired -  takes after her dad, then.

By the way, The FW's benefits have been stopped, which he doesn't seem to see the significance of, ie full council tax to find which is an extra £170 to find each month.  I knew last week that I was at saturation point before that blow.  He has also decided that selling things at auction was too hard for his health for little or no gain.  I am glad and not so glad because at least he was out of the house for a few hours a day.

On Thursday he realised that he had no money (still went to pub though, and I have found many pub receipts for amounts like £19.70 and £15.60 etc, although I need to check whether it is debit or credit card).  This has concentrated his mind wonderfully and the Mercedes dealership offered him a good price for the van (in great nick and low mileage) and that will pay eldest son some of his money owing (I hope) and I think deal with the business loan for the van and tidy that up.  He has also looked into the endowment (a good amount) that will sort out the second loan/mortgage and leave some for credit card repayment (for both of us I will insist on that, but he will try to wiggle out of mine I am sure).  He says that will leave us with no insurance but I thought that was the case anyway so no matter.

I have to say he is good at talking the talk but never follows through - to mix a metaphor or two.

Note A - The above pic is a baby gift for friend's great-niece to be.  I have promised to interest this blog up a bit.  Brain too foggy to deal with until now.  I vow to do better.

Note B - the heart softie is from here (I am hyperventilating because I may have just linked something.  Please let me know if it works - I may cry).

Note C - We were only two streets away from the Trafalgar Square demo on Saturday, it was very boomy and shouty.  So we went to Burger King.  As you do.

Laters,
XX

SquareBob SpongePants

The title says it all - this is the sort of thing that sends us four (me, daughter, best friend and her daughter) into shrieking, hurting, gasping, public displays of hilarity.  I know, you had to be there.

This was on the train home from the Street Photography workshop in Soho.
 
My feet ache and my belly hurts from laughing and eating 'bad' food.

Other stuff has happened too.  Boring and dreary, but still, stuff.
I will try and tell more tomorrow night.

It was a good day marred only by the coming home shit.  Like not having a cup of tea made for me even though I am knackered and only want tea and pyjamas.  I haven't been out for a jolly since June, but still I have to be 'punished'.  Instead I have to wash up and clear the Breakfast!  Including scraping scrambled egg from the non nonstick pan.  And then finally upstairs to find the chaise longue gone from the bedroom (I can't remember if I have told you that story) and all the stuff on the floor where the dog will probably scent mark it.  Great.  I have still to write and wrap daughter's birthday stuff.

x

I have an appointment!!

At last, at last.  I looked at my phone and there was a missed call.  Again.  So I phoned and left a message.  Again.  Finally, after an afternoon of missed calls I managed to speak to a Person.  (I believe my lickle oldie mobile is Deceased, Expired, an Ex-mobile. bum).

So, it seems that I am registered (correct word?) at two offices in This Town and the Next Town Over.  How?  When I realised that Our Town clinic had not shut down as I thought it had when I got the letter last year, the letter that said did i want to continue and be transferred to Next Town Over that that is what had happened and I was disappointed and disheartened that they had shut (so I thought) the same month I had asked for help.  Paranoid? Moi?

Anyhow, when the Lovely Lady said that they had only transferred me because they were too overwhelmed, I wept and said that I had been walking past their office at least once a week, that it was too difficult to get to the Next Town Over (who had said they were hoping to open an office in This Town) and was despairing for help.  I said that all this time when I was in such a bad place and you were here all the time and I didn't know. 

Can you imagine how I feel.  That this is something that others go to their GP, get referred, wait a period of time for that appointment, but still, get that appointment in the normal, usual manner.  But not so for me, how did it happen that when I finally, finally ask for help the whole of My Town does so too and indeed why is it that I have to be the one that has to a) get put into Next Town Over's clinic, when I don't drive far (there are reasons) and am trying to be private with this and because there is always someone at home it isn't always easy to go out unless I 'report out'  I can't just put my coat on and go and come back without some questioning.  Not in a Bad Way but you know what I mean.

Anyway, an appointment I have and guess what - I have a doctor's appointment on Monday at 9am, a bit early for me nowadays but still I managed to make one so it's all good (or not) but you guessed it the counselling appt is on Monday at 10 45.  So I have to go out twice.  The GP one is a lovely lady doctor who takes her time, so I will get into that one probably at 930 and out at 950, then home, turn round and out again.  I am hoping The FW is auctioning that day, please God.  If he is then I won't go home but walk via the LYS and buy yarn to cheer me up.  No doubt I will have stronger prescription and a list of bloods required.  Great.

I have also made the Dreaded dentist appointment too, I went a little crazy the other day when I had to collect my blood pressure medication and booked these things because I knew I couldn't go on neglecting myself.

When talking to the Lovely Lady, she asked a lot of questions that made me think (horrid ones like, Am I a danger to others or Have I thought of suicide).  I'm not and I haven't but you know I have wondered what it would be like to not be here anymore, to maybe walk out that door and keep walking.

XX

The sun came out...which was nice

The wind is bitter (a bit like my feelings larf), and the sun was bright.  Hanging washing on the line, walking the dog, all good things.  Daughter came with me to cemetery yesterday (Friday) as it would have been mum's 92nd birthday, we took more daffodils and brought back the ones that didn't open in the cold.  My word it was bloomin' freezing.

Last night The FW talked me into trying a suite of furniture in the tv room.  He sleeps in there.  He is still picking up furniture etc all over our area to put into auction.  The lad is doing this with used to work for our company in the Before Time.  There are a lot of comings and goings and cups of tea required every time they walk in the door.  The dog is freaked by The Lad and The Lad is freaked by the dog.  All of this is not conducive to a quiet life.

Aaaanyway, to get this furniture in place (a corner suite with a sofa bed) all the other modular seating had to come out and Eldest Son and The FW started doing their Mr Shifter impressions (anyone remember the PG Tips ad).  They took the feet off, then the door off and then the architrave off.  I was not amused.  He was putting a heap of effort into this, something that he does not do when it is my idea.  At the end when we sat down, after a few moments staring at the tv in exhaustion I said, and I quote - "its too big, isn't it".  And everyone agreed and it was decided it would all come out the next day.  And so it did.

Whilst this was going on, the dog got upset because his evening snooze time wasn't happening (he is exausted by 6pm because he trots around with me all day up and down the stairs etc) and he bit me (no blood) several times on the hand and daughter was saying loudly "why does dad sleep down here" at least twice. 

I really have to rein in and not tell her the ugly truth.  Eldest Son told me today that he had a long chat with her a few days ago and had to choose his words carefully when explaining an unpleasant truth about her dad (about being a liar, therefore thinking everyone else is lying as well) and using the word 'people' instead of 'dad'.

When Middle Son came in after his early shift this afternoon, he poked his head in the tv room door and said "did I dream there was new furniture in here last night and all the old stuff was in the sitting room".  "Yes", says I.  "Your head is full of snot and you are imagining things".

My doggie is getting more and more psychotic with all the stuff going on: the cat being allowed the litter tray indoors meaning his food area has been moved, last night he finally succumbed and peed up it.  The comings and goings of someone who is scared of him and therefore scares him.  The neighbours will be renewing the fence this week and the Enemy Dog lives there so our doggie's freedom will be curtailed.  The workmen will drive him batshit crazy with all the to-ing and fro-ing out the front and along the side of the house and all the way down the back.  He stands on the front window sill barking (shrieking) then leaps off, hares round to the back door, leaps through the cat flap as if the demons of hell are after him and runs up and down the side barking like a frickin' maniac.  One crazy time he took the flap part with him as he shot through it leaving a fuckoff great hole in the door.

To be fair there is rarely a quiet moment, what with doorbells ringing, people coming and going, daughter's up and down moods, two grown men peering at their phones then flying off to pick up some kind of shit from all over the place.  Odd bits of furniture everywhere and slightly worrying stuff in the post.

I find that lots of little annoying things are happening to affect my fragile psyche, silly things like the tv in the bedroom stopping working, the cat litter tray indoors, silly money things like ordering daughter's birthday present twice and having worries about getting the money back (a checkout didn't clear on one website so I thought the order hadn't gone through, found out 24 hours later it had and it's a foreign company bugger).  Missing yet another phone call from the counselling people but at least I have a different phone number to call when I get the chance.  The realisation that the £100 The FW promised for bills has been forgotten and also Daughters's savings return that has to happen in the next few days too.  Thinking the fugly desk was ruined when The FW left the desktop (painted only one side) standing on end in a freezing garage turning it banana shaped, bah!.  Knowing Best Friend Y has not phoned and I will have to phone soon to make arrangements for the London Trip. 

Daughter has told me she doesn't like her (to be fair she doesn't like many females) because when coming home from her BF's dance show and they were all happy and full of praise, apparently Y told her daughter she was ugly!!!!!  This has happened on more than one occasion,  I have my suspicions why she does this, it grieves Daughter and I very much when this happens.

I am not In The Pits of Hell this week but there are rumblings behind me which I am pretending not to hear.

So, there we are, the merry doings of this shortish, plumpish, plainish, nearly 51ish, slightly dotty old bat, (pirhouette and jazz hands).

XX

I pray Dear Lord for some boring quiet alone time.

Claudia Winkleman...I love her

Now I don't like programmes like Masterchef or Great British Bake off etc.  A crime I know.  But, you know I saw the Sewing Bee advertised (can't remember the title and I only watched it a couple of hours ago) and thought, I will watch and 'zone out' the dramatic detail stuff and concentrate on the mechanics of sewing and the finished garments. 

Well I loved it and it reinforces my desire to make clothes and cushions etc.  I have a cheapie Argos sewing machine from years ago and had thought that the bobbin race was broken until an internet search told me I needed a new needle.  Well bugger me, says I, all this time I have been hand sewing curtains etc, what a fool I am.

Let's be absolutely clear that I do not fancy the gorgeous tailor on the show (again I have forgotten the name but who cares), no indeed not a jot - (liar).

To change the subject a little I have today made appointments for:
 - the hairdresser, I look like Paul McCartney in the 60s at the moment
 - the dentist oh my
 - the gp now that the lovely lady doc is back.  I have some slight niggly health concerns at the moment.  I have neglected myself very badly this past year.

I keep looking at the Link button and wondering what the hell to do with it, and I would like to add interesting pics etc and wonder how they are found and added, ie the judges on the Sewing Bee prog so you can see which slightly attractive person I like to look at ;-).

Darling Girl and I spent a pleasantly amusing morning cleaning and sorting her room.  I would love to show you a photo, but can't take the risk of it being spotted.  My family are more computer savvie than I.  She is very artistic and has a 'Smash' wall covered in notes, mementos, cartoons etc.  She has strings across the room with pegs holding funny little drawings and mini models. There are her drawings of the female form, manga style, and the calender pictures from Loish at Deviantart.  She told me the Christmas before last that she was gay.  I am leaving that where it is for the moment.

Night all
xx

Welcome craftycatcorner to this little corner of Blogland.

How much chocolate did YOU eat??

No seriously, did you have a good Easter?

I am feeling 'nearly' normal at the moment.  My moods are definitely cyclical.  There must be some rogue hormones hanging around.  I started the menopause on 12 June 2007.  I can be exact because that was the day my (I thought at the time) normal period started.  It all went down hill from there.    I have not had a period for (definitely) 2 and (possibly) 3 years.  I have lost count.  I keep saying, to myself mostly as no-one else is listening, that I should see the doc, if only the female docs were not on sick leave and I could get an appointment. bugger.

I am struggling to keep my composure when my dear daughter (16 soon yikes) adds to my distress when she exclaims loudly about any remarks/comments I make in response to something subtly nasty that The FW says. I can see his smirk even when I am not looking at him.  Do I explain that I used to take his nastiness in past years without realising it or indeed feeling that I deserved it.  Do I tell her that he should not speak to me like that especially now that I know how he has behaved since, oh around 1986!  That is when his demeanour to me changed though I did not realise why until 2008.  I am a bit slow you know!!

As much as I love my girl, I am wishing her life away when I am waiting for her to be 18 so that I can leave or follow her out the door when she leaves home.  If I can last that long, my friends.

I cannot begin to tell you how dark that last couple of weeks have been.  Muddled, befuddled, bleary, weepy, sobby, worthless, valueless complete and utter waste of time and space.

There...that's all out.

The sun is shining and I have been tidying up.  Marvellous!

Love to you all

xx  

The FW has a new thing, that is picking up furniture from gumtree and putting it in auction.  Right now he is picking up over 200! cones of yarn.  A van load.  I knew he did not want to sell the van even though it is worth about 8 grand at least (an as new, low mileage Mercedes Vito) and would solve some financial problems.  He will think he is Delboy if he makes a monkey!!  Help me bear this oh Lord.

Thank you...again

Thank you for your kind comments on my last post.  I do appreciate them.

I spoke to Y today.  She had phoned on Sunday to invite my daughter to her daughter's (best friend) dance show.  We spoke a little and laughed a little when she picked her up.

I told her (after I had listened to her telling me of a hospital visit (on her own) and listened to grandson's words etc - he is v cute) that when I laughed on Sunday it was the first time I had laughed properly since Christmas.  She said that we would go out during the Easter Hols, as well as the photography workshop in London for daughter's birthday.  I then said I was still waiting for my counselling appointment and......and she went quiet.
I finished the call shortly after that.

Today I have emailed the counselling people.

Today is a neutral day.  My neutral is other people's 'happy'.

Neutral is good.

It enables me to function, to manage, to be capable. Just.

I remember once upon a time that I was efficient and organised. I took care of my children, my mother, the house and worked too.  That was before.

Now, if I manage a load of washing, walk the dog and peel a potato then I am superhuman.

Today I walked the dog while the sun shone.  Which was nice.

XX

PS: This is my 100th post.  I missed my blogiversary of 10 March.  Bum.

I note that Mother's Day last year was as bad as this.  I cooked the dinner,   made cups of tea for all, but did not visit MiL.  The FW took daughter and eldest son as middle son was working, surprise surprise.  There were no flowers or chocs in this house.  I took daffs to cemetery and froze there.  I got cards (including a jokey Tesco Value one hardehar) and a crochet book, amazon vouchers (love) and a tenner.

Oh dear I am very ungrateful.

Apologies

I have been 'offline', in real life as well as virtual life.

The last couple of weeks have been terribly difficult.

Really dark.

I am trying to find the head space to write, but I can't find the words.

Still no counselling.

I will try to come back.

Thank you.
x

This week

DG has been hormonal, it has not been fun.

On Monday I took some stuff to the charity shop, and decided that I would ebay a lot of my stuff (when I could handle it).

On Tuesday my brother came and borrowed my camera, so that's the ebay kiboshed.

I woke up on Thurs and felt I had a normal brain and I cleaned parts of the house.

On Friday I cleaned some more house (only about 40% clean now). Then discovered the cat had peed on the chair in the kitchen and her favourite cardboard box lid.  Had thoughts of vet.

On Saturday The FW went to his mum's house to help clear it and came home with loads of stuff - so much for decluttering then.  It was tough for him and there was a lot of bad feeling within the family.  vultures is the word I am thinking of.

Also on Saturday took DG for hair cut (in the sideways rain that was in our face in the 30 min walk there AND the 30 min walk back!!!). When we got home wet and exhausted (specially me due to the housecleaning on the previous days) I was just about to settle down with tea and crochet when she found a flea on the dog, so dog bathing and bed washing ensued, he has four - I'm not kidding.

On Sunday whilst remaking the main dog's bed the cat walked over to it, stepped in and squatted and peed - WTF.  I washed it again.  Thought more about vet.

Today (Monday) I sluiced down the side of the house where (under a canopy) the cat has a litter box with lid and a mat to catch stray litter.  I was in jamas paddling in bleach and buckets of water.  After a shower I sorted one or two bits and found a home for them on top of the dresser.  This involved a stepladder and moving the stuff there to somewhere else in order to make room. I walked the dog.  Then I was a bit fed up and went upstairs to messy bedroom and started pinning up the hems of trousers I am shortening to take into account the lower heels I am intending to wear.  The FW came home with more stuff after clearing the garage. After putting the cat box back together and refilling it we noticed she was scampering past it terrified, and she wouldn't go through the cat flap (don't tell the dog, he thinks it's a dog flap).  So, the stray cat that came in our house a couple of weeks ago has invaded her territory and possibly scared her in the loo, either by hiding/sheltering or confronting her in there.  I took the lid off and have brought it into the utility, (the dog is confused as I had to move his food/water bowls to in front of the washing machine).  She was so relieved she used it straight away.  Problem solved temporarily and hopefully when the lighter evenings and warmer days come she will regain her territory.

So the upshot of this is that I no longer want to bother with cleaning as the cat peed and the dog flead up the place.  I no longer care about decluttering as more stuff (including furniture) is everywhere -  I have no where to put the sewing box and trousers except on the sofa. 

Have told The FW that there is only £25 per week to feed all of us including the animals.  I have done some calculations and in 6 (six!) months have put £1400 on the credit card with household bills.  I want to sell everything and have told him so.  His van is on the market and he is seriously considering selling the endowment (at last and thank God).  He said we will then definitely have to sell the house when he is 65 (in six years).  I want to sell the house today, I am no longer happy here and we can not realistically afford to live here but he does not see this.  The boys will move out (or at least one of them) at some point and the house will be too big.  

After repaying the second mortgage, paying off his credit card, hopefully repaying eldest son I hope there will be some left to clear my credit card, morally there should be.  I am going to get my name off the electric and gas bills.

Also this week I have left messages for the counselling service twice and they have not responded, even they don't want to talk to me.  Best friend has not spoken for nearly 2 weeks, I think she is trying to make a point about not phoning me though I don't know why.  I am sad.

Lots more depressive thoughts and wandering around the house in despair.

On a positive note I have got the camera back.

G'Night.
x

Bed early at 8.48pm

The FW is ill, food poisoning from breakfast at a greasy spoon yesterday (Mon) morning.  So he has gone to bed (he sleeps downstairs, explanation another time).  I suspect there will be disturbances and possibly a call for the doctor or even an ambulance.  He does not deal with illness well, and after a few hours decides that only a doctor's visit or hospital will do.  I cannot persuade him otherwise once he has made up his mind.  I can only hope that he falls asleep for most of the night.

It started this morning with him convinced his new medication was to blame.  Only after napping the morning away did he remember the breakfast.  I felt grimly pleased that his illness is self-induced, (who called me a bitch!).  He is not a good patient and can become impatient and even abusive (even to hospital staff).   He has pretty much dismissed all my aid, ie sipping water, anti cramp medication, hot water bottle etc. 

Later he had to go into his cabin to wrap some ebay stuff until hunger got the better of him (he cannot cope with being hungry unless he is 'dieting').  Then he had a few spoons of jelly, and then when that stayed down a half hour later made himself a black (he says) coffee and had three(!) rich tea biscuits.  He commented that he felt better for the hot drink.  Probably because I did not make him one all day, as that is not best practice for stomach problems.  I visualised him slandering me later in the pub, which I suspected he would be well enough to go to. 

Many years ago he got food poisoning from a local Chinese takeaway that was then closed down a few days later.  It was terrible with several trips to hospital in an ambulance in the middle of the night.  He was always sent home and I spent a ghastly week taking care of him and my boys who were quite tiny.  Eventually on the 5th trip in 5 days I insisted he was kept in so they could see his pain that came on during the day.   During this time I slept barely 1 hour in 24 and was desperate for him to stay in.  It was diagnosed as food poisoning and he managed to eliminate it (yaaargh) himself once home.  This was around the time the news came of the takeway closing.  Right up until last year he has told everyone and anyone that I poisoned him.  So last year I said "that's enough, it wasn't funny the first time and it's not funny now, stop it", he said he didn't know about the Chinese closure but then he always disremembers stuff that doesn't suit him to remember.  I'll bet it's in the local newspaper archives.

Anyhow, at six the boys had soup and he tried some, it was a clear soup, and he had a few spoons but it got the better of him.  He spent some time in the loo, then sat on the sofa groaning.  Eventually he said sorry to be a pain but I want to go to bed, so he did and, so did I. 

I am going to listen to the radio and crochet a bit and hope to God I haven't got to get dressed and sit in A&E later.  (We once spent all night in A&E with cramp in his arm where he had slept funny and then thought he was having a heart attack.  He is such a a hypochondriac!!)

The last few days have not been pleasant and Mother's Day was a bit grim.  Never mind it's all over til next year.

x