I really should make the Practise Nurse appointment

I have pain in my right eye (I have had 'red eye' in the past), I have had this for about a week, it throbs a bit but I can stop that with ibuprofen, the eyelid also 'flutters' quite a bit.  Tonight my left arm hurts.

Perhaps I am just being a tit, I am not eating very much but making bad choices, taking little or no exercise and am very very stressed.  I am also 50, short and 2 stone overweight, bugger!  I need to eat more porridge and less crisps. *sigh*.

I tend not to concern myself with being ill, I rarely get colds, have had the mildest of thyroid problems - now in remission, and my menopause symptoms have been mostly emotional.

Three years ago I ate well and went to the gym or exercise class 3 or 4 times a week... what changed?  The FW's regular work disappeared when the chancellor took money away from the local hospital for projects work and our work stopped literally overnight (31March 2009).  The intermittent work since then has been for private hospitals but that was only bank holidays/easter etc.  We have now closed our business after 27 years.  He has enforced early retirement without the benefits.  Plus the fact he is a financial moron puts us in difficulties that he does not see, or has stupid ideas like going to his exercise class (laugh) opposite the local post office, coming home then driving several miles away to a village post office to post the ebay parcels.  There is no petrol in the car so if there is an emergency with his parents we will have to go in the van - wtf.  He wants to sell the van (he owes eldest son £2k which he promises to repay) and get a little workhorse one.

He is paying the interest on both mortgages because he didn't understand about form MI12 (mortgage help) and we have been waiting/wasting 4 months where he thought he had filled it in just because he has filled in several similar forms and doesn't get that when you are on benefits it all about filling in the same info on different forms.  I am  being passive/aggressive and not getting involved in all that stuff, just letting it happen though it will be my turn soon.  Whenever I try to explain anything, or give him information he doesn't listen or deliberately misunderstands because he cannot stand that I know more than he does and also cannot stand to be 'told' what to do.  He has a problem with women and authority.  He also blames the banks etc for his mistakes and misunderstandings.

The fact that my sons are making a bigger contribution to the household finances relieves me and guilts me at the same time, I am torn and want it all to stop now please, I am tired, this house is too big for me to take care of, we have leaks in many cupboards so the contents are scattered about driving me absofuckinlutely batshit crazy.  Every time I try to make bread or deal with laundry there is someone in my way (usually him the fuckwit!) making suggestions like do you need me to get veg from the farm shop (no you dumbass it is dearer than the supermarket ffs) then gets cross because he "is only trying to help".

Oh yeah he wants to celebrate son getting job (and son's girlfriend's birthday on Monday) by going out for a meal or to the pics, he'll pay on his credit card and get eldest son to contribute!!!!!!!!!!!!  Errr no actually, they would rather stay in and have a takeaway and bottle of wine as a treat, early doors as they both have work the next day.  He won't be pleased when he finds out they would rather stay home.  I am letting them deal with that, which is pissy of me but I would rather shut the fuck up and get on with the ironing thanks.  I find by not wearing my glasses so I can't see that well, avoiding eye contact and pretending I can't hear him above the washing machine helps quite a bit lol.

I have a dream of building a block of small one bedroom flats for all the women I know who have said they want to 'get away' from it all for a while.  To not have to feed, wash, pick up after or think about anyone else, to have a break from all the shite in their lives.  I know of three women, not including me; anyone else want a secret respite home?

Night night
x