I know I have only just started, but...

even though there is so much in my head, I can't seem to type the words...and I wanted to do this to clear my head of all the negativity!  Catch 22!! 

My lappy top is mostly down stairs in the kitchen and there is no privacy for 'long' sessions.  My husband is home a lot (not a lot of work at the moment) and one son is at home, but usually in his room.  I find my family tend to say "now what are you doing?" in a, not 'sneery' way, but slightly derogatory.  I have always had a jokey relationship with my children but now it feels as if it has gone too far, maybe I am being too sensitive, but I feel diminished somehow.  My friend does not allow her daughter an inch  but then I think she is being too hard on her and the poor girl is constantly humbly apologising.  Is there a middle ground and if so where do I find it.  I used to be the one to give advice to my friends with teenage children, I was a foster carer (for a short while...... long story) for f***'s sake!

I feel I have lost my way, my place in this house....it's so hard being me, the mother,  the carer when I feel that no-one cares for me.  I don't want to sound 'whiney' but that is what I hear in my head all the bloody time, I'm wrong to give an opinion, or to express dismay or irritation at any time, for example, middle son said he would not be home for dinner so I plan something he doesn't like ie mashed potato and only have enough sausages for three, when he is home I am exasperated and husband has a go at ME! Huh? even middle son can't see why that happened!

(In past years when I was younger, stupider, and absorbed in child/elderly parent care, husband used to have periods of picking on me for silly things, I learned to ignore it and knew it would pass eventually, although it always hurt).  I realised eventually that it was generally when he was infatuated or even possibly having a  'thing' with someone else.  I know! how stupid was I, it was 2008 when the lightbulb switched on!!!!! I took my wedding ring off and we haven't had sex since then because for a few months my periods went haywire and I used that as an excuse (I haven't actually said anything to him but he isn't stupid).  I cringe now when I think of the sexual side of things (shudder), I don't think it's just the depression doing that, it's the betrayal as well.

It took me a long time to realise that he was not a good husband, ie unsupportive, quick to condemn, unable to care for me when ill or after surgery, difficult with money, forgetting birthdays etc, especially now when I read the 'happy' blogs - dear God I feel so undeserving, uncared for, unlucky and just generally hurt with everything and everyone.  I think it's got to be me, my fault, miserable bitch that I am, but sometimes there's a flicker, maybe, just maybe I will pretend, put a mask on but that's false, a lie and I can't act.  I find myself doing a lot of staring at nothing while the ironing or vacuuming doesn't get done. Husband thinks he is being good by coming to talk to me (in a nice voice - hah) about the weather or possible work and that is going to make up for the shitty stuff, and I find myself agreeing non-commitally about whatever crap he is wittering on about.  Tho sometimes I just carry on washing up and staring out the window...I really don't give a shit and he gives up and goes away again and I can hear his thoughts "what is her problem, I'm being NICE".  That's the massive difference between us - I know him completely and utterly and he knows me not at all.  We have been together officially (and unofficially) 32 years.  He was married when we met (I know (I know!) I should have known better but I wasn't yet 18 and lonely and just joined the grown-up world) and he said all the right things (lies, I now know duh!).

Well, considering I didn't think I would be able to write anything at all, that's quite a bit of wordage, but it's late and I need this week to be over with (I haven't written about the court case we had on Monday and all the bastard bills etc......

sorry, gotta stop and read myself to sleep .....

n'night

sue 

RIP Susan Toddler Planet

Have just found and read Toddler Planet - so sad, sad, sad.  I need to pull myself together and stop being so.....you know.

Interesting Times - Not!

Have had a few better/lighter days recently and appreciated them very much.  Yesterday met up with a friend in local cafe to hand over pennies for her 50th birthday thingy (she is paying half and we the guests are paying half) - at least she has the gumption to arrange something.  We are all 50 this year and a few years ago I genuinely felt ok about being older....but now, not so much.  I think there is going to be a stretch limo, yike! It's dressy up time and a soul/motown 'nite'.  I hope please please god to be in an ok mood.  Our other friend's do supposedly around the time of mine and anothers birthday I may have to say no and let them down as I really can't afford it.  I have been poor more times than I have not, but this time really sucks! 


Today am getting over a difference of opinion with my son last night  -  now this NEVER happens usually, it was so silly, nothing really, but he spoke to me like I was one of his internet debaters and got very loud very quickly, then stomped off after his dad stuck his oar in (against me, he loves it when the kids talk .  I was quite shocked and my eldest son was cross and surprised but didn't say anything.  So I have stayed out of everyone's way, did some long needed tidying in the eaves space, then watched High Society upstairs (note to self need to think about digital soon).  Asked son to cook chinese meal for dinner (his usual thing) when I said you sure he sort of tutted/gasped at me...I shut the door quick.  I hope this goes away soon, I don't like it. 


Happy Easter, if you're out there.

How do I........

add the blogs that I read on to my page?  Any help/tips would be very much appreciated. 
Luv
Sue
PS I have so much to write about, but no time or private space at mo.  See you when I can. 
PPS . Feeling a bit better....x

Thank You

Hi,
Thank you to everyone for my comments, I really appreciate them.  

I am feeling better today, what started as 'the pit' Monday afternoon, it gradually lifted to 'ok' Thursday and 'quite good' today.  I wonder if it is still connected to hormones.  I am post menopausal (5 years in - gah!). I had pnd after 2nd child which became so bad the doc put me on depo-provera injections for 2 1/2 years which helped incredibly but affected my fertility in the short term - it took my periods another 18mths to come back, and made the wait for my daughter  longer (8 years in total).  I usually found that if I didn't suffer physically with water retention (sore boobs) it went to my head (yep - water on the brain - doc actually said that!!) and caused depression/irritability etc.  The fact that the depression comes on unexpectedly/quickly and only lasts at its peak 36/48 hours makes me think it could still be hormones, I may go see gp, although I have never officially mentioned the 'D' word in the surgery, I think the time has come.

I have quite a lot to learn, compared to all the loverly blogs I read, how to make a reading list, then maybe pics etc. On my list of things to 'learn' this year is a) how to download music and put it on a cd/getting to grips with photos on the computer (I have linux thanks to computer whiz son) so have to learn how the desktop works/how to make a 'nice' blog. I am not a technophobe but the 'menopausal brain' is not helping!!  (I also really need to tidy cupboards/drawers/storage and get rid of stuff - if we need to leave this house due to FW's crappy financial (mis)management then I need to seriously declutter!!)

There is so much to tell about my life that I am not sure how to do it - chronological/ancedotal/ random.  There seems to be so much to tell, I don't want to bore you - or myself - but I do need to get stuff out of my head (oooops interrupted by FW, I'll  just pop on to a random blog page)... so that I can sleep better and de-clutter my head too!.

Re - FW brief description: 50something/overweight/10 years on meds for blood pressure/cholesterol etc/self-employed/self-obsessed/self-absorbed/self-important/ selfish/hypocritical/serial flirt/serial adulterer/serial pub visitor/narcissist.....I could go on but I've run out of words!

Davina/Dermot dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll leave you now, this is getting a bit long, if I can find a photo I'll try to add it.
Love

Susan

PS.  well there's the photo... (tho not at all where I thought it would turn up)....... of mollie sneakily crept in in my bed, comfy much?

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day Blues

Lord I love my kids, but yesterday Was Not GReat.

Made my own tea, went to cemetery for my mother, came back, prepped dinner, went to see mother in law with family for a short time (PiLs are elderly, father in law has alzheimers), came home opened presents on my own (couldn't stand the thought of opening them 'in public', cooked mini roast (I certainly wasn't going for a bloody great dinner/pudding etc... bugger that), cleaned up, made more tea and watched Pride and Prejudice again!!! whilst crocheting daughter's stripe (lovely Lucy Attic 24 inspired) blanket, watched Dancing on Ice/Orbit, went to bed thinking 'thank god that's over for another year'.  

Am I a miserable bitch?

Nuff respect for all treasured mummies out there ....

Sue

PS explanations are prob needed re husband (I need to think what to call him...FW for F***Wit maybe... hmmmm).

PPS ES - eldest son, YS - younger son, PD - precious daughter, SS - Step son

PPPS - Got the big 50 on the horizon, wonder what joys that will bring!

PPPPS - Yep.... miserable bitch

Scary, huh?

scary, huh?

Do I have anything to say?

I have always had a lot to chat about, but have never written a diary, tho I regret this as there is a lot I remember, and would like to remember - timescales/ incidents etc.

I don't have an interesting life like other bloggers I read, sometimes enviously, (not proud of this).  Some would say I have had an interesting life, but not in a good way.  

I deal with depression daily (I don't say 'suffer' - depression is me, in my genes and in my hormones).  I have never been to the doctor with this but may do in the near(?) future.  Who knows?  We shall see...

I love to laugh with my children and friends, enjoy music, books, 'good' tv (ahem also 'bad'), crochet, knitting (beginner), stitching (don't have the time or braincells at the moment), I have dolls houses but this hobby is evading me also, to my regret.

There are many details I may share with you or may not, this may be something or nothing, I don't know.  I am not talented or inspirational like Lucy at Attic24, Jacquie at Bunny Mummy, whose colours and tutorials I love and am working on at the moment.

I have a very full yarn bag (I still slip up and call it 'wool') - thanks to stylecraft and ebay, several projects on the go and at the moment neglecting my domestic life and creating blankets instead!

Love to all of you....

PS. I really don't want this to be a miseryfest but I do want to be honest.