At last, at last. I looked at my phone and there was a missed call. Again. So I phoned and left a message. Again. Finally, after an afternoon of missed calls I managed to speak to a Person. (I believe my lickle oldie mobile is Deceased, Expired, an Ex-mobile. bum).
So, it seems that I am registered (correct word?) at two offices in This Town and the Next Town Over. How? When I realised that Our Town clinic had not shut down as I thought it had when I got the letter last year, the letter that said did i want to continue and be transferred to Next Town Over that that is what had happened and I was disappointed and disheartened that they had shut (so I thought) the same month I had asked for help. Paranoid? Moi?
Anyhow, when the Lovely Lady said that they had only transferred me because they were too overwhelmed, I wept and said that I had been walking past their office at least once a week, that it was too difficult to get to the Next Town Over (who had said they were hoping to open an office in This Town) and was despairing for help. I said that all this time when I was in such a bad place and you were here all the time and I didn't know.
Can you imagine how I feel. That this is something that others go to their GP, get referred, wait a period of time for that appointment, but still, get that appointment in the normal, usual manner. But not so for me, how did it happen that when I finally, finally ask for help the whole of My Town does so too and indeed why is it that I have to be the one that has to a) get put into Next Town Over's clinic, when I don't drive far (there are reasons) and am trying to be private with this and because there is always someone at home it isn't always easy to go out unless I 'report out' I can't just put my coat on and go and come back without some questioning. Not in a Bad Way but you know what I mean.
Anyway, an appointment I have and guess what - I have a doctor's appointment on Monday at 9am, a bit early for me nowadays but still I managed to make one so it's all good (or not) but you guessed it the counselling appt is on Monday at 10 45. So I have to go out twice. The GP one is a lovely lady doctor who takes her time, so I will get into that one probably at 930 and out at 950, then home, turn round and out again. I am hoping The FW is auctioning that day, please God. If he is then I won't go home but walk via the LYS and buy yarn to cheer me up. No doubt I will have stronger prescription and a list of bloods required. Great.
I have also made the Dreaded dentist appointment too, I went a little crazy the other day when I had to collect my blood pressure medication and booked these things because I knew I couldn't go on neglecting myself.
When talking to the Lovely Lady, she asked a lot of questions that made me think (horrid ones like, Am I a danger to others or Have I thought of suicide). I'm not and I haven't but you know I have wondered what it would be like to not be here anymore, to maybe walk out that door and keep walking.
XX
Monday, 8 April 2013
Saturday, 6 April 2013
The sun came out...which was nice
The wind is bitter (a bit like my feelings larf), and the sun was bright. Hanging washing on the line, walking the dog, all good things. Daughter came with me to cemetery yesterday (Friday) as it would have been mum's 92nd birthday, we took more daffodils and brought back the ones that didn't open in the cold. My word it was bloomin' freezing.
Last night The FW talked me into trying a suite of furniture in the tv room. He sleeps in there. He is still picking up furniture etc all over our area to put into auction. The lad is doing this with used to work for our company in the Before Time. There are a lot of comings and goings and cups of tea required every time they walk in the door. The dog is freaked by The Lad and The Lad is freaked by the dog. All of this is not conducive to a quiet life.
Aaaanyway, to get this furniture in place (a corner suite with a sofa bed) all the other modular seating had to come out and Eldest Son and The FW started doing their Mr Shifter impressions (anyone remember the PG Tips ad). They took the feet off, then the door off and then the architrave off. I was not amused. He was putting a heap of effort into this, something that he does not do when it is my idea. At the end when we sat down, after a few moments staring at the tv in exhaustion I said, and I quote - "its too big, isn't it". And everyone agreed and it was decided it would all come out the next day. And so it did.
Whilst this was going on, the dog got upset because his evening snooze time wasn't happening (he is exausted by 6pm because he trots around with me all day up and down the stairs etc) and he bit me (no blood) several times on the hand and daughter was saying loudly "why does dad sleep down here" at least twice.
I really have to rein in and not tell her the ugly truth. Eldest Son told me today that he had a long chat with her a few days ago and had to choose his words carefully when explaining an unpleasant truth about her dad (about being a liar, therefore thinking everyone else is lying as well) and using the word 'people' instead of 'dad'.
When Middle Son came in after his early shift this afternoon, he poked his head in the tv room door and said "did I dream there was new furniture in here last night and all the old stuff was in the sitting room". "Yes", says I. "Your head is full of snot and you are imagining things".
My doggie is getting more and more psychotic with all the stuff going on: the cat being allowed the litter tray indoors meaning his food area has been moved, last night he finally succumbed and peed up it. The comings and goings of someone who is scared of him and therefore scares him. The neighbours will be renewing the fence this week and the Enemy Dog lives there so our doggie's freedom will be curtailed. The workmen will drive him batshit crazy with all the to-ing and fro-ing out the front and along the side of the house and all the way down the back. He stands on the front window sill barking (shrieking) then leaps off, hares round to the back door, leaps through the cat flap as if the demons of hell are after him and runs up and down the side barking like a frickin' maniac. One crazy time he took the flap part with him as he shot through it leaving a fuckoff great hole in the door.
To be fair there is rarely a quiet moment, what with doorbells ringing, people coming and going, daughter's up and down moods, two grown men peering at their phones then flying off to pick up some kind of shit from all over the place. Odd bits of furniture everywhere and slightly worrying stuff in the post.
I find that lots of little annoying things are happening to affect my fragile psyche, silly things like the tv in the bedroom stopping working, the cat litter tray indoors, silly money things like ordering daughter's birthday present twice and having worries about getting the money back (a checkout didn't clear on one website so I thought the order hadn't gone through, found out 24 hours later it had and it's a foreign company bugger). Missing yet another phone call from the counselling people but at least I have a different phone number to call when I get the chance. The realisation that the £100 The FW promised for bills has been forgotten and also Daughters's savings return that has to happen in the next few days too. Thinking the fugly desk was ruined when The FW left the desktop (painted only one side) standing on end in a freezing garage turning it banana shaped, bah!. Knowing Best Friend Y has not phoned and I will have to phone soon to make arrangements for the London Trip.
Daughter has told me she doesn't like her (to be fair she doesn't like many females) because when coming home from her BF's dance show and they were all happy and full of praise, apparently Y told her daughter she was ugly!!!!! This has happened on more than one occasion, I have my suspicions why she does this, it grieves Daughter and I very much when this happens.
I am not In The Pits of Hell this week but there are rumblings behind me which I am pretending not to hear.
So, there we are, the merry doings of this shortish, plumpish, plainish, nearly 51ish, slightly dotty old bat, (pirhouette and jazz hands).
XX
I pray Dear Lord for some boring quiet alone time.
Last night The FW talked me into trying a suite of furniture in the tv room. He sleeps in there. He is still picking up furniture etc all over our area to put into auction. The lad is doing this with used to work for our company in the Before Time. There are a lot of comings and goings and cups of tea required every time they walk in the door. The dog is freaked by The Lad and The Lad is freaked by the dog. All of this is not conducive to a quiet life.
Aaaanyway, to get this furniture in place (a corner suite with a sofa bed) all the other modular seating had to come out and Eldest Son and The FW started doing their Mr Shifter impressions (anyone remember the PG Tips ad). They took the feet off, then the door off and then the architrave off. I was not amused. He was putting a heap of effort into this, something that he does not do when it is my idea. At the end when we sat down, after a few moments staring at the tv in exhaustion I said, and I quote - "its too big, isn't it". And everyone agreed and it was decided it would all come out the next day. And so it did.
Whilst this was going on, the dog got upset because his evening snooze time wasn't happening (he is exausted by 6pm because he trots around with me all day up and down the stairs etc) and he bit me (no blood) several times on the hand and daughter was saying loudly "why does dad sleep down here" at least twice.
I really have to rein in and not tell her the ugly truth. Eldest Son told me today that he had a long chat with her a few days ago and had to choose his words carefully when explaining an unpleasant truth about her dad (about being a liar, therefore thinking everyone else is lying as well) and using the word 'people' instead of 'dad'.
When Middle Son came in after his early shift this afternoon, he poked his head in the tv room door and said "did I dream there was new furniture in here last night and all the old stuff was in the sitting room". "Yes", says I. "Your head is full of snot and you are imagining things".
My doggie is getting more and more psychotic with all the stuff going on: the cat being allowed the litter tray indoors meaning his food area has been moved, last night he finally succumbed and peed up it. The comings and goings of someone who is scared of him and therefore scares him. The neighbours will be renewing the fence this week and the Enemy Dog lives there so our doggie's freedom will be curtailed. The workmen will drive him batshit crazy with all the to-ing and fro-ing out the front and along the side of the house and all the way down the back. He stands on the front window sill barking (shrieking) then leaps off, hares round to the back door, leaps through the cat flap as if the demons of hell are after him and runs up and down the side barking like a frickin' maniac. One crazy time he took the flap part with him as he shot through it leaving a fuckoff great hole in the door.
To be fair there is rarely a quiet moment, what with doorbells ringing, people coming and going, daughter's up and down moods, two grown men peering at their phones then flying off to pick up some kind of shit from all over the place. Odd bits of furniture everywhere and slightly worrying stuff in the post.
I find that lots of little annoying things are happening to affect my fragile psyche, silly things like the tv in the bedroom stopping working, the cat litter tray indoors, silly money things like ordering daughter's birthday present twice and having worries about getting the money back (a checkout didn't clear on one website so I thought the order hadn't gone through, found out 24 hours later it had and it's a foreign company bugger). Missing yet another phone call from the counselling people but at least I have a different phone number to call when I get the chance. The realisation that the £100 The FW promised for bills has been forgotten and also Daughters's savings return that has to happen in the next few days too. Thinking the fugly desk was ruined when The FW left the desktop (painted only one side) standing on end in a freezing garage turning it banana shaped, bah!. Knowing Best Friend Y has not phoned and I will have to phone soon to make arrangements for the London Trip.
Daughter has told me she doesn't like her (to be fair she doesn't like many females) because when coming home from her BF's dance show and they were all happy and full of praise, apparently Y told her daughter she was ugly!!!!! This has happened on more than one occasion, I have my suspicions why she does this, it grieves Daughter and I very much when this happens.
I am not In The Pits of Hell this week but there are rumblings behind me which I am pretending not to hear.
So, there we are, the merry doings of this shortish, plumpish, plainish, nearly 51ish, slightly dotty old bat, (pirhouette and jazz hands).
XX
I pray Dear Lord for some boring quiet alone time.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Claudia Winkleman...I love her
Now I don't like programmes like Masterchef or Great British Bake off etc. A crime I know. But, you know I saw the Sewing Bee advertised (can't remember the title and I only watched it a couple of hours ago) and thought, I will watch and 'zone out' the dramatic detail stuff and concentrate on the mechanics of sewing and the finished garments.
Well I loved it and it reinforces my desire to make clothes and cushions etc. I have a cheapie Argos sewing machine from years ago and had thought that the bobbin race was broken until an internet search told me I needed a new needle. Well bugger me, says I, all this time I have been hand sewing curtains etc, what a fool I am.
Let's be absolutely clear that I do not fancy the gorgeous tailor on the show (again I have forgotten the name but who cares), no indeed not a jot - (liar).
To change the subject a little I have today made appointments for:
- the hairdresser, I look like Paul McCartney in the 60s at the moment
- the dentist oh my
- the gp now that the lovely lady doc is back. I have some slight niggly health concerns at the moment. I have neglected myself very badly this past year.
I keep looking at the Link button and wondering what the hell to do with it, and I would like to add interesting pics etc and wonder how they are found and added, ie the judges on the Sewing Bee prog so you can see which slightly attractive person I like to look at ;-).
Darling Girl and I spent a pleasantly amusing morning cleaning and sorting her room. I would love to show you a photo, but can't take the risk of it being spotted. My family are more computer savvie than I. She is very artistic and has a 'Smash' wall covered in notes, mementos, cartoons etc. She has strings across the room with pegs holding funny little drawings and mini models. There are her drawings of the female form, manga style, and the calender pictures from Loish at Deviantart. She told me the Christmas before last that she was gay. I am leaving that where it is for the moment.
Night all
xx
Welcome craftycatcorner to this little corner of Blogland.
Well I loved it and it reinforces my desire to make clothes and cushions etc. I have a cheapie Argos sewing machine from years ago and had thought that the bobbin race was broken until an internet search told me I needed a new needle. Well bugger me, says I, all this time I have been hand sewing curtains etc, what a fool I am.
Let's be absolutely clear that I do not fancy the gorgeous tailor on the show (again I have forgotten the name but who cares), no indeed not a jot - (liar).
To change the subject a little I have today made appointments for:
- the hairdresser, I look like Paul McCartney in the 60s at the moment
- the dentist oh my
- the gp now that the lovely lady doc is back. I have some slight niggly health concerns at the moment. I have neglected myself very badly this past year.
I keep looking at the Link button and wondering what the hell to do with it, and I would like to add interesting pics etc and wonder how they are found and added, ie the judges on the Sewing Bee prog so you can see which slightly attractive person I like to look at ;-).
Darling Girl and I spent a pleasantly amusing morning cleaning and sorting her room. I would love to show you a photo, but can't take the risk of it being spotted. My family are more computer savvie than I. She is very artistic and has a 'Smash' wall covered in notes, mementos, cartoons etc. She has strings across the room with pegs holding funny little drawings and mini models. There are her drawings of the female form, manga style, and the calender pictures from Loish at Deviantart. She told me the Christmas before last that she was gay. I am leaving that where it is for the moment.
Night all
xx
Welcome craftycatcorner to this little corner of Blogland.
Monday, 1 April 2013
How much chocolate did YOU eat??
No seriously, did you have a good Easter?
I am feeling 'nearly' normal at the moment. My moods are definitely cyclical. There must be some rogue hormones hanging around. I started the menopause on 12 June 2007. I can be exact because that was the day my (I thought at the time) normal period started. It all went down hill from there. I have not had a period for (definitely) 2 and (possibly) 3 years. I have lost count. I keep saying, to myself mostly as no-one else is listening, that I should see the doc, if only the female docs were not on sick leave and I could get an appointment. bugger.
I am struggling to keep my composure when my dear daughter (16 soon yikes) adds to my distress when she exclaims loudly about any remarks/comments I make in response to something subtly nasty that The FW says. I can see his smirk even when I am not looking at him. Do I explain that I used to take his nastiness in past years without realising it or indeed feeling that I deserved it. Do I tell her that he should not speak to me like that especially now that I know how he has behaved since, oh around 1986! That is when his demeanour to me changed though I did not realise why until 2008. I am a bit slow you know!!
As much as I love my girl, I am wishing her life away when I am waiting for her to be 18 so that I can leave or follow her out the door when she leaves home. If I can last that long, my friends.
I cannot begin to tell you how dark that last couple of weeks have been. Muddled, befuddled, bleary, weepy, sobby, worthless, valueless complete and utter waste of time and space.
There...that's all out.
The sun is shining and I have been tidying up. Marvellous!
Love to you all
xx
The FW has a new thing, that is picking up furniture from gumtree and putting it in auction. Right now he is picking up over 200! cones of yarn. A van load. I knew he did not want to sell the van even though it is worth about 8 grand at least (an as new, low mileage Mercedes Vito) and would solve some financial problems. He will think he is Delboy if he makes a monkey!! Help me bear this oh Lord.
I am feeling 'nearly' normal at the moment. My moods are definitely cyclical. There must be some rogue hormones hanging around. I started the menopause on 12 June 2007. I can be exact because that was the day my (I thought at the time) normal period started. It all went down hill from there. I have not had a period for (definitely) 2 and (possibly) 3 years. I have lost count. I keep saying, to myself mostly as no-one else is listening, that I should see the doc, if only the female docs were not on sick leave and I could get an appointment. bugger.
I am struggling to keep my composure when my dear daughter (16 soon yikes) adds to my distress when she exclaims loudly about any remarks/comments I make in response to something subtly nasty that The FW says. I can see his smirk even when I am not looking at him. Do I explain that I used to take his nastiness in past years without realising it or indeed feeling that I deserved it. Do I tell her that he should not speak to me like that especially now that I know how he has behaved since, oh around 1986! That is when his demeanour to me changed though I did not realise why until 2008. I am a bit slow you know!!
As much as I love my girl, I am wishing her life away when I am waiting for her to be 18 so that I can leave or follow her out the door when she leaves home. If I can last that long, my friends.
I cannot begin to tell you how dark that last couple of weeks have been. Muddled, befuddled, bleary, weepy, sobby, worthless, valueless complete and utter waste of time and space.
There...that's all out.
The sun is shining and I have been tidying up. Marvellous!
Love to you all
xx
The FW has a new thing, that is picking up furniture from gumtree and putting it in auction. Right now he is picking up over 200! cones of yarn. A van load. I knew he did not want to sell the van even though it is worth about 8 grand at least (an as new, low mileage Mercedes Vito) and would solve some financial problems. He will think he is Delboy if he makes a monkey!! Help me bear this oh Lord.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Thank you...again
Thank you for your kind comments on my last post. I do appreciate them.
I spoke to Y today. She had phoned on Sunday to invite my daughter to her daughter's (best friend) dance show. We spoke a little and laughed a little when she picked her up.
I told her (after I had listened to her telling me of a hospital visit (on her own) and listened to grandson's words etc - he is v cute) that when I laughed on Sunday it was the first time I had laughed properly since Christmas. She said that we would go out during the Easter Hols, as well as the photography workshop in London for daughter's birthday. I then said I was still waiting for my counselling appointment and......and she went quiet.
I finished the call shortly after that.
Today I have emailed the counselling people.
Today is a neutral day. My neutral is other people's 'happy'.
Neutral is good.
It enables me to function, to manage, to be capable. Just.
I remember once upon a time that I was efficient and organised. I took care of my children, my mother, the house and worked too. That was before.
Now, if I manage a load of washing, walk the dog and peel a potato then I am superhuman.
Today I walked the dog while the sun shone. Which was nice.
XX
PS: This is my 100th post. I missed my blogiversary of 10 March. Bum.
I note that Mother's Day last year was as bad as this. I cooked the dinner, made cups of tea for all, but did not visit MiL. The FW took daughter and eldest son as middle son was working, surprise surprise. There were no flowers or chocs in this house. I took daffs to cemetery and froze there. I got cards (including a jokey Tesco Value one hardehar) and a crochet book, amazon vouchers (love) and a tenner.
Oh dear I am very ungrateful.
I spoke to Y today. She had phoned on Sunday to invite my daughter to her daughter's (best friend) dance show. We spoke a little and laughed a little when she picked her up.
I told her (after I had listened to her telling me of a hospital visit (on her own) and listened to grandson's words etc - he is v cute) that when I laughed on Sunday it was the first time I had laughed properly since Christmas. She said that we would go out during the Easter Hols, as well as the photography workshop in London for daughter's birthday. I then said I was still waiting for my counselling appointment and......and she went quiet.
I finished the call shortly after that.
Today I have emailed the counselling people.
Today is a neutral day. My neutral is other people's 'happy'.
Neutral is good.
It enables me to function, to manage, to be capable. Just.
I remember once upon a time that I was efficient and organised. I took care of my children, my mother, the house and worked too. That was before.
Now, if I manage a load of washing, walk the dog and peel a potato then I am superhuman.
Today I walked the dog while the sun shone. Which was nice.
XX
PS: This is my 100th post. I missed my blogiversary of 10 March. Bum.
I note that Mother's Day last year was as bad as this. I cooked the dinner, made cups of tea for all, but did not visit MiL. The FW took daughter and eldest son as middle son was working, surprise surprise. There were no flowers or chocs in this house. I took daffs to cemetery and froze there. I got cards (including a jokey Tesco Value one hardehar) and a crochet book, amazon vouchers (love) and a tenner.
Oh dear I am very ungrateful.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Apologies
I have been 'offline', in real life as well as virtual life.
The last couple of weeks have been terribly difficult.
Really dark.
I am trying to find the head space to write, but I can't find the words.
Still no counselling.
I will try to come back.
Thank you.
x
The last couple of weeks have been terribly difficult.
Really dark.
I am trying to find the head space to write, but I can't find the words.
Still no counselling.
I will try to come back.
Thank you.
x
Monday, 18 March 2013
This week
DG has been hormonal, it has not been fun.
On Monday I took some stuff to the charity shop, and decided that I would ebay a lot of my stuff (when I could handle it).
On Tuesday my brother came and borrowed my camera, so that's the ebay kiboshed.
I woke up on Thurs and felt I had a normal brain and I cleaned parts of the house.
On Friday I cleaned some more house (only about 40% clean now). Then discovered the cat had peed on the chair in the kitchen and her favourite cardboard box lid. Had thoughts of vet.
On Saturday The FW went to his mum's house to help clear it and came home with loads of stuff - so much for decluttering then. It was tough for him and there was a lot of bad feeling within the family. vultures is the word I am thinking of.
Also on Saturday took DG for hair cut (in the sideways rain that was in our face in the 30 min walk there AND the 30 min walk back!!!). When we got home wet and exhausted (specially me due to the housecleaning on the previous days) I was just about to settle down with tea and crochet when she found a flea on the dog, so dog bathing and bed washing ensued, he has four - I'm not kidding.
On Sunday whilst remaking the main dog's bed the cat walked over to it, stepped in and squatted and peed - WTF. I washed it again. Thought more about vet.
Today (Monday) I sluiced down the side of the house where (under a canopy) the cat has a litter box with lid and a mat to catch stray litter. I was in jamas paddling in bleach and buckets of water. After a shower I sorted one or two bits and found a home for them on top of the dresser. This involved a stepladder and moving the stuff there to somewhere else in order to make room. I walked the dog. Then I was a bit fed up and went upstairs to messy bedroom and started pinning up the hems of trousers I am shortening to take into account the lower heels I am intending to wear. The FW came home with more stuff after clearing the garage. After putting the cat box back together and refilling it we noticed she was scampering past it terrified, and she wouldn't go through the cat flap (don't tell the dog, he thinks it's a dog flap). So, the stray cat that came in our house a couple of weeks ago has invaded her territory and possibly scared her in the loo, either by hiding/sheltering or confronting her in there. I took the lid off and have brought it into the utility, (the dog is confused as I had to move his food/water bowls to in front of the washing machine). She was so relieved she used it straight away. Problem solved temporarily and hopefully when the lighter evenings and warmer days come she will regain her territory.
So the upshot of this is that I no longer want to bother with cleaning as the cat peed and the dog flead up the place. I no longer care about decluttering as more stuff (including furniture) is everywhere - I have no where to put the sewing box and trousers except on the sofa.
Have told The FW that there is only £25 per week to feed all of us including the animals. I have done some calculations and in 6 (six!) months have put £1400 on the credit card with household bills. I want to sell everything and have told him so. His van is on the market and he is seriously considering selling the endowment (at last and thank God). He said we will then definitely have to sell the house when he is 65 (in six years). I want to sell the house today, I am no longer happy here and we can not realistically afford to live here but he does not see this. The boys will move out (or at least one of them) at some point and the house will be too big.
After repaying the second mortgage, paying off his credit card, hopefully repaying eldest son I hope there will be some left to clear my credit card, morally there should be. I am going to get my name off the electric and gas bills.
Also this week I have left messages for the counselling service twice and they have not responded, even they don't want to talk to me. Best friend has not spoken for nearly 2 weeks, I think she is trying to make a point about not phoning me though I don't know why. I am sad.
Lots more depressive thoughts and wandering around the house in despair.
On a positive note I have got the camera back.
G'Night.
x
On Monday I took some stuff to the charity shop, and decided that I would ebay a lot of my stuff (when I could handle it).
On Tuesday my brother came and borrowed my camera, so that's the ebay kiboshed.
I woke up on Thurs and felt I had a normal brain and I cleaned parts of the house.
On Friday I cleaned some more house (only about 40% clean now). Then discovered the cat had peed on the chair in the kitchen and her favourite cardboard box lid. Had thoughts of vet.
On Saturday The FW went to his mum's house to help clear it and came home with loads of stuff - so much for decluttering then. It was tough for him and there was a lot of bad feeling within the family. vultures is the word I am thinking of.
Also on Saturday took DG for hair cut (in the sideways rain that was in our face in the 30 min walk there AND the 30 min walk back!!!). When we got home wet and exhausted (specially me due to the housecleaning on the previous days) I was just about to settle down with tea and crochet when she found a flea on the dog, so dog bathing and bed washing ensued, he has four - I'm not kidding.
On Sunday whilst remaking the main dog's bed the cat walked over to it, stepped in and squatted and peed - WTF. I washed it again. Thought more about vet.
Today (Monday) I sluiced down the side of the house where (under a canopy) the cat has a litter box with lid and a mat to catch stray litter. I was in jamas paddling in bleach and buckets of water. After a shower I sorted one or two bits and found a home for them on top of the dresser. This involved a stepladder and moving the stuff there to somewhere else in order to make room. I walked the dog. Then I was a bit fed up and went upstairs to messy bedroom and started pinning up the hems of trousers I am shortening to take into account the lower heels I am intending to wear. The FW came home with more stuff after clearing the garage. After putting the cat box back together and refilling it we noticed she was scampering past it terrified, and she wouldn't go through the cat flap (don't tell the dog, he thinks it's a dog flap). So, the stray cat that came in our house a couple of weeks ago has invaded her territory and possibly scared her in the loo, either by hiding/sheltering or confronting her in there. I took the lid off and have brought it into the utility, (the dog is confused as I had to move his food/water bowls to in front of the washing machine). She was so relieved she used it straight away. Problem solved temporarily and hopefully when the lighter evenings and warmer days come she will regain her territory.
So the upshot of this is that I no longer want to bother with cleaning as the cat peed and the dog flead up the place. I no longer care about decluttering as more stuff (including furniture) is everywhere - I have no where to put the sewing box and trousers except on the sofa.
Have told The FW that there is only £25 per week to feed all of us including the animals. I have done some calculations and in 6 (six!) months have put £1400 on the credit card with household bills. I want to sell everything and have told him so. His van is on the market and he is seriously considering selling the endowment (at last and thank God). He said we will then definitely have to sell the house when he is 65 (in six years). I want to sell the house today, I am no longer happy here and we can not realistically afford to live here but he does not see this. The boys will move out (or at least one of them) at some point and the house will be too big.
After repaying the second mortgage, paying off his credit card, hopefully repaying eldest son I hope there will be some left to clear my credit card, morally there should be. I am going to get my name off the electric and gas bills.
Also this week I have left messages for the counselling service twice and they have not responded, even they don't want to talk to me. Best friend has not spoken for nearly 2 weeks, I think she is trying to make a point about not phoning me though I don't know why. I am sad.
Lots more depressive thoughts and wandering around the house in despair.
On a positive note I have got the camera back.
G'Night.
x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)