Why does the emotional crap happen when you are writing a shopping list???

I am TRYING to be frugal/organised and quite frankly  I only want to the supermarket once a friggin' week when there is a huge blow up about the fact that darling MiL is going into care home today (possibly, no information for sure) and The FW says "I'm not going even if S wants me too"....then sulky-faced "what are you looking at me like that for"

This is your mother, you are supposed to put all the other shit in a bag and forget it, nothing else matters, help take your mother into a care home, this is your mother - (voice cracks and I fall apart while my head is in the larder and have a shopping list in my hand) - I didn't shout but I did emphasise the words

He stomps off and I weep noisily in the cupboard, bent over, and the dog is going loolah cos he is sensitive.

We had already (me reluctantly) agreed he was going to help (fuck off) me with the food shop (he is useless, slow, eyeing up the lovely food whilst I want to get in, get what's on the list and get the fuck out of there) he also has bad back and can't help with the heavys which is why I want either son to help (neither available today).

So now I am calming down a little, writing it out and deciding whether to get the FuckHead and go gaily to Asda!!!!!!!!!


PS There will be a post about why I do not want him accompanying me everywhere like a devoted couple joined at the hip.  soon.

Oversharing.....definitely

About 12 hours ago (whilst in the shower) I had a funny post whizzing around my head, now I'm not sure whether to write it and can't quite remember how it went - dang!

But here are the basics:

I was quite happy with the fact that for three days I haven't had to wear a pantie liner so this means I am - a) officially a shrivelled, dried up invisible old hag. sigh, and b) I have, as my BF says, 'healed over', like a shorter (much), fatter (very) Sindy doll. deeper sigh. (well it has been four years, darling!)

For those British people who remember Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada sketches, with much pursing of lips, mouthing of strategic words and arm/boob lifting, that is how I was imagining the 'conversation'. [sorry I don't know how to add a clip]

I also have a new partial denture - go me! (bloody hurts to remove so will take some getting used to!)

So, was that enough for you, or could I go further... nah, when I read it over a little bit of sick came up - bok!

'Night then.

(No X  tonight cos I have embarrassed myself!)

I am so going to regret this in the morning.


 

Why didn't I answer the phone?

At the moment I am ignoring the phone because a) it may be SiL re Mil, not getting involved, b) probably the mortgage people because The FW is still pratting about and c) I can't be arsed at the moment.

Big mistake, this afternoon I was working on The B of D, the phone is about a foot away from me and I ignored it.  The FW answered down in the cabin and came haring (limping) up to say 'private and confidential for &@', so picked up the house phone and....he hung around while I started the call...... from the counselling people, I didn't even get the name in my slight panic. I managed to head him off and he went back down to cabin, I have to get off the phone cos he listens in, sheesh.  I just said I'll call back.  Waited 10-15 mins and back he comes 'that was an odd phonecall' - (ok think fast oh yeah we've just closed an online bank account and the cheque came for me) yes, ses I, I nearly forgot the cheque that came for a whole £23.23 woohoo, they were just checking to see if it came. 
I doubt very much he believed me cos I'm not a liar but he can't call me on it.

So I have left a message leaving my mobile number, the mobile that I hardly use cos I hate the buggery things, so now I have to carry it around in my pocket, (note to self - wear something with a pocket),  but I will try to call them again first thing, or try to stay out of his way.  I have got dentist and need to go into town so hopefully will try then too.  I hope this is a local, ie very local place I can get to, cos I rarely leave the house for more than a couple of hours and don't drive out of town, If it doesn't work then, well I don't know.

It's not really a Control Thing, just a control thing, insecurity on his part probably because he fucked around in the past.  (He actually has a small bit of paper with ILU (I love you) and a phone number - the dick doesn't realise it is one of HIS old mobile numbers as he has had a lot of phones and it is a message he sent to my number probably by mistake (he checked my phone once or twice I think). Twat. My phone is old, basic, same number, no pin and usually lying around charging up so I never remember to take it out with me, silly mare.

He  has only sent I love you twice to me - once by mistake and once when I left the house in a state because of what happened six years ago (another story, another time), that's it, that's all.  I am waiting for him to ask me about it because I dust the bedside table and pick it up and put it back every time lol.  It won't get thrown away until he caves in and asks and I will tell him he is a Dick.

Had long phone chat with BF (mainly so Th FW couldn't use the phone) and am appalled by her lack of care for her nearest and dearest, she is putting herself first and tho I sympathise a bit with her, I fall on the side of her daughter/baby grandson and her elderly mother.  She is seriously talking about leaving the area next year when her youngest daughter leaves school. So my daughter and I lose our best friends.....great that's another female leaving me.

Change of Subject - I need to decide whether to intervene/chat with niece and nephew about Stuff, do I need this shit, or do I leave it and regret it later further down the line, I have always told them I will come running if they need me, and I will no matter what, but do I say the unsayable.   Also, do  I tell Bro his ex wife is engaged before the ink is dry on the Decree Absolute.  God I hate my family.

Sleep now, tired x


And the day started so well, too.

Would the last hormone shut the door on the way out please.

Can I whisper in your ear,

I feel *ahem* normal.........

kinda like I felt when the thyroid medication kicked in after two years of undiagnosed hyperthyroidism.........

I am a bit perturbed (good word for a monday morning)......

I am worried it won't last and all the good intentions (aka jobs that NEED DOING) will disappear in a puff of dust/cat hair/dog hair/tidying/cleaning/ebay & bootfair organising.

Oh kettle's boiled, cup of tea?
x

PS forgot to ask doc for hormone blood test - bugger
PPS will get results of last weeks full blood count tomorrow hopefully - statins, I am coming to getttttt youuuuuu!
PPPS new partial denture tomorrow - cor, sex on legs, that's me that is.

Oh, for the love of Raymond...

I have just read the last post of *Crochet with Raymond* (sorry I don't know how to link) and am so sad.  I loved reading Alice's life and crochet and sock knitting adventures. I have left a comment on her penultimate post, tho it may not get added.

I am very sad that many people who I found and read when I discovered this little world have disappeared for various reasons, (I am always late to the party!), they always seem to be the prettiest and most inspiring ones.

On the other hand there are so many other beautiful, funny, inspiring ones that I need a few 'secret' hours of the day to read them - which is why I am writing this at half five ay em!

Mornin all!!

The post about Being Helpful

The FW keeps mentioning that he will clean things in the kitchen, the bars above the stove (like a victorian warming rack type thing) or scrubbity scrub the worktops - helpful or insulting?

Because of the kitchen re-organise and the fact that I now wash up the undishwashables in the adjacent utility room he has now moved a shelf (now the sugar/tea won't fit grrr) in the cupboard above the kettle for 'our favourite mugs', because he can't find them - well we have a mug tree by the kettle for these that is sometimes empty because a) they are draining in the utility room or b) they have not been brought back for washing up by the culprits users.  "Oh I didn't think to look round there" durr.  Several steps across the kitchen (ie above the newly moved microwave) is the spare mug cupboard where we keep the..you guessed it...spares/second favourite mugs - moron or idiot?

What the fuck does he think I am doing in the utility room all day, playing marbles with the dog biscuits?
Why the fuck has he spent thirty years not doing any job I have requested no matter how urgent/necessary but now is 'being helpful'.....go away.

Night Night x

PS The doggie has been washed and trimmed and smells sweeter, yaaay, but has also realised he can jump out of the bath - not good.

I actually managed to walk the dog woohoo

Yep, poor fella, he doesn't get out everyday, but we have a large garden, a cat to play with and the postman to send him into frantic chasing in and out of the catflap.  The boys walk him when I ask but we don't take him out in the rain cos he is low to the ground (like me larf) and white so a rainy walk involves a bath and that kills my back. (He is the only one to use our posh, deep, jacuzzi bath)  He is due a bath tomorrow oh yippeedeedoodah, trimming will also be on the menu (deep joy).

I am not feeling too bad at the moment (considering the past week) and am being good and not switching laptop on during day so am not tempted to blog read when should be cleaning/ironing etc.  Managed to work on the Blanket of Doom (the end is nigh) and catch up on some pre-recorded telly.

Did not visit MiL in hosp today when hub went (persuaded eldest son to go, tho he wasn't keen, she is happier in new ward,but kept calling my son by my younger brother's name as the likeness is strong when A was his age, she asked after my mum too tho she has been gone 14 years, I'm glad I wasn't there for that).

I am concerned that unless hub and his sister don't meet up soon and try to get past this there will be a rift, and this family consider a rift to be normal. MiL didn't speak to her younger sister for 40 years until near the end of her life, her older sister for 10 years and would have nothing to do with stepmother-in-law which resulted in FiL not receiving his full inheritance a few years ago. All of these rifts were for small, misunderstandings or mistaken pride. What a waste.
I have always said I can't be doing with this sort of crap, my brothers piss me off all the time, but we don't fall out even if we don't speak for a long time due to 'life stuff'.  But, quite frankly, hubs family are a fucking pain in the arse, pretending all is well and aren't we lovely when really they must hate each other to act like this.  It's a quite big family but the individual circles are getting smaller.

MiL had a nervous breakdown about 12 years ago, it was quite scary at the time and she said she was worried when she and dad were gone they family would break apart.  I didn't think it possible at the time but she was right, one sister has died, one brother has wife with MS and is not including us or informing us or asking for help at all.  We would give it gladly but to ask for help is a sign of weakness.  They always like to feel superior (which of course is an insecurity) and to have any sign of weakness, whether it be financial, health, marital is only mentioned in passing and any offers are automatically rejected.  When on the rare occasions they give help if it is asked for then it is on their terms and not always quite what you need or when you need it at that particular moment,  which is pointless.

I have always been open about any problems we have (except one in my own family that is impossible to talk about because it is not my secret, or the marital problems we have and are still experiencing because the fallout is too huge to consider), I don't care who knows we are struggling financially, or my daughter's previous health/teenage angst or son's mental health, and they never seem to listen or ask in case we might actually ask them for help.  In fact I think they may be cardboard cutouts because there are never any problems or issues any of them have which can't be right, can it?

So all talk is oneupmanship or mere hints to 'pityfish' when the once in a blue moon occasion get together occurs (ie a funeral or parent birthday).  Tho I have just realised that on some occasions everyone has managed to arrive/depart at different times and therefore avoid each other.  There was once some socialising when the other sis was alive but I can only guess at this as we were never invited.The only times the whole family got together was at parents house and that hasn't been for years because the house was too small as the family expanded!

I think when their parents are gone that will be it, all these families who have also had the next generation families will not know each other. How sad.

For myself, I see one brother now and again as he is single and hovers around in his own little world, one brother barely remembers he has other siblings and the middle brother is an 'unmentionable' for reasons that are impossible to talk about, see above). I have many cousins down here on my mum's side (ie dahn sarf) but they are all boys and don't think about girly things like family socialising etc.  My father came from the midlands and there are girl cousins there but we have lost touch except for the odd xmas card.  When my favourite auntie died recently they sent a letter with an explanation as to who she was (as if I did not remember her) and when I phoned immediately my cousin was surprised to hear from me! I sent sympathy cards, photos I had found and flowers etc and got absolutely nothing in response.  That hurt, and made me feel diminished and not worthy of the grief I felt at losing my aunt.

This is similar to what I experienced recently with MiL, it is as if I am not allowed to feel emotional about the loss we are experiencing (it is ongoing because mum is slowly disappearing and so is dad with his alzheimers) I think SiL thinks mum will magically reappear when she is out of hospital.  I am certainly not allowed to express an opinion.

Anyway I may have to try and manage the days in tiny chunks of time and allotted task for that day and not be distracted with others and their demands. That is why I did not go to hosp today because I had things to do and set times to do them in. There are times in the day when I work best, and times when I think best.  I also try to have 'time off' and when I don't get that precious time I get cranky.

Another wordy post and still i have only scratched the surface, if you are still interested I will carry on, tho i may carry on anyway just to clear out the noggin so there might be some space for positivity - now there's a thought!

See ya later, alligator.
X
I actually posted this at midnight not mid afternoon.