I have felt quite calm today and cooked a meal (roast chicken, forgot the stuffing, bugger), made bread, washed the laundry in the bath (washing machine died last week (again, bugger), have borrowed BF's 30 year old spinner which works yaay, and made progress with the Blanket of Doom.... And Felt Calm. And Unstressed. And Organised. And OK.
So, does this mean that although not had (proper) periods for approx 4(?) years, started peri-menopause at 45 completely unaware of what was going to happen as have no older female relatives close enough to talk to. My late mum had menopause baby in 68, then had hysterectomy straight after.
ooops just published by mistake damn this typing in the dark!!
so..
does this mean there are spare hormones that have been hanging around, I used to get pre-menstrual depression that lasted 2-3 weeks sometimes, yeah I was a bundle of laughs, me!
Waiting for counselling referral and will ask for hormone test.
Let's see what tomorrow brings...........
x
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Sunday, 9 September 2012
For Ann
Whilst watching the closing ceremony of the paralympic games, during Coldplay 'yellow' there was a group of dancers with a lady in a wheelchair - and I caught my breath, my throat closed and my eyes stung for my sister who died almost 30 years ago and who was severely disabled with spina bifida and hydrocephalus and would have loved this, the ceremony and celebration and that disabled people should not ever be hidden* - my heart broke again for our loss of her too soon, too young, too tragically. I will never ever forget her or that day. I was 10 and held her hand (this is not something from the Hallmark channel) - she was very ill and had been sent home from her 'special' school, at the time she laid on our sofa, my mother was hanging out the washing, my dad was in his shed with my little brother, my other brothers were out or in army camp. Her breathing was laboured, my mum had come home early from work and had phoned the doctor who would not come until the end of his surgery, I held her hand and heard the 'death rattle', she stopped breathing and I ran, out to the garden to tell mum and all hell broke loose.
I will never forget being outside when the ambulance men came and rushed in and the one with the oxygen tank was told that it wasn't needed, I screamed and couldn't stop. My mother had a nervous breakdown after the funeral (to which I wasn't allowed to go) and took to her bed for weeks after, it was a bad time and we never recovered as a family, my father had chronic depression from then on as she was his favourite and the rest of us didn't mind that. She was 17.
She died from ignorance - that she had pneumonia and my parent's trust of the doctors 'importance'.
I will never forget being outside when the ambulance men came and rushed in and the one with the oxygen tank was told that it wasn't needed, I screamed and couldn't stop. My mother had a nervous breakdown after the funeral (to which I wasn't allowed to go) and took to her bed for weeks after, it was a bad time and we never recovered as a family, my father had chronic depression from then on as she was his favourite and the rest of us didn't mind that. She was 17.
She died from ignorance - that she had pneumonia and my parent's trust of the doctors 'importance'.
Ann, you were beautiful and I love you still....
Susan x
* My mother was told after her birth to leave her in the hospital, to go home to her two young boys and forget her as she would soon die or be put into a 'home', needless to say she brought her home and we never regretted it.
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Oh!
I only have one follower now, maybe the funny (or seen as sarcastic?) comment about a giveaway did that. I never started this to have followers and was surprised and pleased to get them when I did. so, someone has left...oh well same old, same old.
So, again, i will forget all that and carry on with this for me, to clear my head and try to get back into my life again. I have lost my domestic mojo, the place is a disorganised and grubby tip. I want to crochet, sew and get ready for christmas as we are thoroughly, completely and utterly broke, but i feel wrong to sit and crochet when the house is so untidy and the ironing is piling up. I read the frugal blogs and envy those that have the financial control to organise their finances. I am unable to because I am not in 'control' in this household. The FW is and cannot remember (or doesn't want to), bills/insurances and stuff like that. The electric and gas bills are in my name because i am the one who signed on the dotted line when we changed providers some years ago, fool, fool, fool. my name is also on the water bill/council tax and mortgages (we have two, grrrrrrrr against my better judgement but he wouldn't listen to me, one is a mortgage loan to pay a £60,000 - yep sixty thousand pounds - tax bill). we are underpaying the interest on one mortgage (jeez) because he does not keep up with it and has closed his account with that bank. The banks he has had problems over the years are - nat west, girobank/alliance &leicester/hsbc/and now santander. he thinks he can close the current one and down and just go and open another. he thinks I am a financial idiot but it is him really.
Went to see GP this morning - she is nice and listened and let me cry for 20 mins, I have mild/moderate depression and she is going to find me a counsellor suitable for me, I hope so, no pills which is good because I hate them. I had carbimazole for years for overactive thyroid (now in remission) and am now on perindopril for high blood pressure - no surprise there!!
My best friend came home from holiday a few days ago but not sure when, she has not phoned and I think she expects me to phone her, how when I don't know when she is back. it is a one way street, and may be a dead end now, sad.
Lovely MiL is very bad now, 11 weeks from diagnosis to extreme bad behaviour (she has vascular dementia not helped by being in hospital all this time. family meeting tomorrow for hubby, older sister and younger brother tho younger brother's wife has MS and has worsened recently, we don't have much contact . I am not invited tho expect older sister's husband will of course be there.
Bit of a rambly post, I am tired and low today even though I have undercoated the fugly charity shop roll top desk for in the kitchen as a desk. (I am now looking at an old fashioned dressing table for use in the bedroom as a sewing machine table).
Night night
Susan x
So, again, i will forget all that and carry on with this for me, to clear my head and try to get back into my life again. I have lost my domestic mojo, the place is a disorganised and grubby tip. I want to crochet, sew and get ready for christmas as we are thoroughly, completely and utterly broke, but i feel wrong to sit and crochet when the house is so untidy and the ironing is piling up. I read the frugal blogs and envy those that have the financial control to organise their finances. I am unable to because I am not in 'control' in this household. The FW is and cannot remember (or doesn't want to), bills/insurances and stuff like that. The electric and gas bills are in my name because i am the one who signed on the dotted line when we changed providers some years ago, fool, fool, fool. my name is also on the water bill/council tax and mortgages (we have two, grrrrrrrr against my better judgement but he wouldn't listen to me, one is a mortgage loan to pay a £60,000 - yep sixty thousand pounds - tax bill). we are underpaying the interest on one mortgage (jeez) because he does not keep up with it and has closed his account with that bank. The banks he has had problems over the years are - nat west, girobank/alliance &leicester/hsbc/and now santander. he thinks he can close the current one and down and just go and open another. he thinks I am a financial idiot but it is him really.
Went to see GP this morning - she is nice and listened and let me cry for 20 mins, I have mild/moderate depression and she is going to find me a counsellor suitable for me, I hope so, no pills which is good because I hate them. I had carbimazole for years for overactive thyroid (now in remission) and am now on perindopril for high blood pressure - no surprise there!!
My best friend came home from holiday a few days ago but not sure when, she has not phoned and I think she expects me to phone her, how when I don't know when she is back. it is a one way street, and may be a dead end now, sad.
Lovely MiL is very bad now, 11 weeks from diagnosis to extreme bad behaviour (she has vascular dementia not helped by being in hospital all this time. family meeting tomorrow for hubby, older sister and younger brother tho younger brother's wife has MS and has worsened recently, we don't have much contact . I am not invited tho expect older sister's husband will of course be there.
Bit of a rambly post, I am tired and low today even though I have undercoated the fugly charity shop roll top desk for in the kitchen as a desk. (I am now looking at an old fashioned dressing table for use in the bedroom as a sewing machine table).
Night night
Susan x
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Look at me, being all clever!
I put a picture on, all by myself, hahahahahahahahahahaha! wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! yippideedippideeyaaar! (WTF)
sorry, gone a bit mad, odd day today, wrote a post then lost it - bum, hosp visit to MiL - sad yet hopeful, care home visit to FiL - short and fairly sweet, baked in my recently discovered COMBI microwave (only had it 12 years - yeah really then remembered it was a convection oven as well) and it was a success,yay.
N'night
luv
etc
x
sorry, gone a bit mad, odd day today, wrote a post then lost it - bum, hosp visit to MiL - sad yet hopeful, care home visit to FiL - short and fairly sweet, baked in my recently discovered COMBI microwave (only had it 12 years - yeah really then remembered it was a convection oven as well) and it was a success,yay.
N'night
luv
etc
x
Saturday, 25 August 2012
The 'Not Making Tea' Post FAIL
this was a long post - funny, very funny and a bit shouty... then i accidentally deleted it...i dont know how and i don't fuckin care, i just did, right. i might come back later - who knows. yaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.
bollocks
bum
poo
or 'bumbuggerblast' as my lovely MiL used to say before vascular dementia started suckin her brains out. *weep*
ps I have 2 followers, there might be a giveaway!
pps didn't 'followers' used to be the maidservants boyfriends in dem olden days?
bollocks
bum
poo
or 'bumbuggerblast' as my lovely MiL used to say before vascular dementia started suckin her brains out. *weep*
ps I have 2 followers, there might be a giveaway!
pps didn't 'followers' used to be the maidservants boyfriends in dem olden days?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
The amoubt of posts I have written in the shower.......
I am so pants at doing this, I write stuff in my head all the time, walking the dog, in the shower etc, then don't follow through and get them down 'on the keyboard'. sorry. so much has happened, and I read a lot, I mean a lot of blogs, of all shapes and sizes and I love them so much, and I comment occasionally.
I am writing this in bed right now, am sleepy and a long way away from the hub so not sure what will happen when i hit 'publish', let's see shall we ?
sue x
ps feeling a bit better lately, tho that could change with no warning, I may see doc to get officially diagnosed but after thirty years of living with depression, who really cares, and what difference would it make?
pps, am also busy, or thinking about being busy and therefore not getting anything done 'sigh'.
I am writing this in bed right now, am sleepy and a long way away from the hub so not sure what will happen when i hit 'publish', let's see shall we ?
sue x
ps feeling a bit better lately, tho that could change with no warning, I may see doc to get officially diagnosed but after thirty years of living with depression, who really cares, and what difference would it make?
pps, am also busy, or thinking about being busy and therefore not getting anything done 'sigh'.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
It's possible I may be an ungrateful wretch...or
It's my birthday today, 50, and have just had a day out with my family, who clearly did not want to be there. The alternative was a barbecue (which I hate because it's such hard work (my husband likes fancy food and not just sausages/burgers etc, or a surprise party.....these were the options given to me 2 weeks ago. Well of course I opted for a day out as we hadn't had one for ever. Now don't get me wrong, my kids are lovely but they don't like to leave their rooms/computers for too long or their skin peels off (joking),no really, two of them don't travel well in cars, so that is an ordeal for them, and for me because I have to sit in the middle of the back seat so it is squashy and hot. I decided that it would be the last time (until I am elderly and they are obliged to take the old lady out for tea hardehar),
We went to Hythe first and because we left late (wtf) we got there late morning and went straight to the nice cafe (the Nutmeg??) and whilst there for nearly an hour (again WTF) there was a discussion about whether a cow has four stomachs or three (out come the iphones...they have one stomach with four compartments apparently), seriously, WTF. I could not believe we were sitting there and all four of them were pissing about with PHONES!! So I popped outside where the sun was and people and air and things to look at...........anyway we left to walk about towards the sea and things to look at....and I heard "aaw I don't feel like walking" ~ 23yr old, and "we could have got in the car (yeh really) and driven round to the seafront" ~ husband. grrrrr.
I confess i did grumble quietly, I just can't be fake and pretend that it's all lovely and aren't we having a wonderful time, I just can't. I give so frickin much to my family and get thrown a bone and be expected to be grateful. (oh god I hate myself). Right now he is in the pub bitching about me, his favourite pastime.
So, then we went to Rye, now I like it there but we have been there about 6 or 7 times (last time about 3 yrs ago). After the antiquey shops I made them walk up to the church and round the lovely, lovely little streets and pretty houses, all the time conscious that hubby was limping (doesn't limp when doing what he wants!) and that son (23) was bored witless. I decided to be more positive (fake) 'look at this' and 'let's go here; blah blah, anyway time marches on and everyone was hungry, let's go to a particular restaurant that hubby as always wanted to go to - oh dear just closed ok then off to fish and chip caff mmmmm lovely (not), then back into car for lovely journey home. By which time we were all knackered, daughter has exam tomorrow tho has revised, she is good at all that.
(I had made some flexible arrangements to go out with my friends last night (this was dependent on the weather (this was a manic, crazy, windy, loony afternoon/evening and everyone laughed themselves to exhaustion (well we are between 49 and 58) and I hope to find a picture that I can put on here later when my friends sort them out larf! We went to Herne Bay and will tell you more later.)
When we got home at just after 7, (exhausted from having a 'good' time), fed cat/dog, made tea, changed into jamas, fell asleep on sofa, the phone rang, hubby got it and said it was best friend who I had forgot to phone when we got home who said she was coming round (I'm feeling guilty as yesterday was hard on her as she has chronic pain and would be exhausted), anyway totally forgot she is without car and was walking round (oh god, oh god more guilt) so..she and daughter come in with beautiful cake, lovely photo album, but no pics in album as her computer has died with all the pics on it and had spent all day trying to fix it, again more guilt, so busy listening about what she had been doing for me and had had bad night etc that I didn't offer the cake immediately, but did later and was told 'no thanks' (although we were laughing all the time) so by now I am squirming with ungrateful guiltness and just want the bloody day to just please end now, I cannot bear it any longer.
So, tomorrow, I will take friend to docs, take round cake, collect card she left behind from the daughter who made cake, take round eldest son to attempt to fix computer or build her another because she is dependent on computer.
Why do I feel so bloody bad, (8 years ago I threw a massive pub party for hubby in february for his 50th, whilst enraging one of his sisters over an invitation misunderstanding - sheeesh, then in may threw a massive 50th party at my house for same friend above, then, THEN threw a massive family/friends 18th party for my son three weeks later) I was knackered and unknowingly ill with overactive thyroid - you should see the photos - I was sKiNNy!!!!!!
So ungrateful wretch, or should I be happy for anything that comes my way no matter what. The saying goes you get what you deserve so what does that tell me. I will post this even tho it is rambling a bit and am worried if anyone reads it what they will think.
Sorry got to go before hubby comes in......
sue
We went to Hythe first and because we left late (wtf) we got there late morning and went straight to the nice cafe (the Nutmeg??) and whilst there for nearly an hour (again WTF) there was a discussion about whether a cow has four stomachs or three (out come the iphones...they have one stomach with four compartments apparently), seriously, WTF. I could not believe we were sitting there and all four of them were pissing about with PHONES!! So I popped outside where the sun was and people and air and things to look at...........anyway we left to walk about towards the sea and things to look at....and I heard "aaw I don't feel like walking" ~ 23yr old, and "we could have got in the car (yeh really) and driven round to the seafront" ~ husband. grrrrr.
I confess i did grumble quietly, I just can't be fake and pretend that it's all lovely and aren't we having a wonderful time, I just can't. I give so frickin much to my family and get thrown a bone and be expected to be grateful. (oh god I hate myself). Right now he is in the pub bitching about me, his favourite pastime.
So, then we went to Rye, now I like it there but we have been there about 6 or 7 times (last time about 3 yrs ago). After the antiquey shops I made them walk up to the church and round the lovely, lovely little streets and pretty houses, all the time conscious that hubby was limping (doesn't limp when doing what he wants!) and that son (23) was bored witless. I decided to be more positive (fake) 'look at this' and 'let's go here; blah blah, anyway time marches on and everyone was hungry, let's go to a particular restaurant that hubby as always wanted to go to - oh dear just closed ok then off to fish and chip caff mmmmm lovely (not), then back into car for lovely journey home. By which time we were all knackered, daughter has exam tomorrow tho has revised, she is good at all that.
(I had made some flexible arrangements to go out with my friends last night (this was dependent on the weather (this was a manic, crazy, windy, loony afternoon/evening and everyone laughed themselves to exhaustion (well we are between 49 and 58) and I hope to find a picture that I can put on here later when my friends sort them out larf! We went to Herne Bay and will tell you more later.)
When we got home at just after 7, (exhausted from having a 'good' time), fed cat/dog, made tea, changed into jamas, fell asleep on sofa, the phone rang, hubby got it and said it was best friend who I had forgot to phone when we got home who said she was coming round (I'm feeling guilty as yesterday was hard on her as she has chronic pain and would be exhausted), anyway totally forgot she is without car and was walking round (oh god, oh god more guilt) so..she and daughter come in with beautiful cake, lovely photo album, but no pics in album as her computer has died with all the pics on it and had spent all day trying to fix it, again more guilt, so busy listening about what she had been doing for me and had had bad night etc that I didn't offer the cake immediately, but did later and was told 'no thanks' (although we were laughing all the time) so by now I am squirming with ungrateful guiltness and just want the bloody day to just please end now, I cannot bear it any longer.
So, tomorrow, I will take friend to docs, take round cake, collect card she left behind from the daughter who made cake, take round eldest son to attempt to fix computer or build her another because she is dependent on computer.
Why do I feel so bloody bad, (8 years ago I threw a massive pub party for hubby in february for his 50th, whilst enraging one of his sisters over an invitation misunderstanding - sheeesh, then in may threw a massive 50th party at my house for same friend above, then, THEN threw a massive family/friends 18th party for my son three weeks later) I was knackered and unknowingly ill with overactive thyroid - you should see the photos - I was sKiNNy!!!!!!
So ungrateful wretch, or should I be happy for anything that comes my way no matter what. The saying goes you get what you deserve so what does that tell me. I will post this even tho it is rambling a bit and am worried if anyone reads it what they will think.
Sorry got to go before hubby comes in......
sue
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